My boyfriend has sex with his own mother... GSA

My boyfriend was adopted as a baby and reunited with his biological mother 10 years ago (he is now in his 40s).

Quite early on in our relatationship he admitted to having sexual feelings for his biological mother and told me that he would masturbate over her and fantasize about having sex with her. It was the first time he had ever told anyone about it.

I was a little taken aback but I know that it is not unusual for adopted sons to feel sexual attraction to their mothers and at the time I found it pretty harmless. They were just fantasies. Or so I thought.

Recently he has confessed to me that he is actually been having a full blown sexual relationship with her for 10 years! I was too shocked to say much. He also said that he used to have intercourse with her but that he hasn't lately but she sucks and wanks him off all the time when they are together (at least one weekend a month, sometimes two). I have told him that I don't want him to have intercourse with her anymore because that is just too much. Handjobs I can sort of live with. He agreed to that.

He says it is like she is a ***** who will pleasure him anytime he wants and that the orgasms she gives him are out of this world because they are so wrong. I also get the impression that he is using her sexually as punishment for abandoning him and he admits to being rough with her in a way he would never treat me.

I am trying my best to not be judgemental and to understand that this is a psychological disorder and not being crazy or perverted. And to appreciate the trust he has placed in me by confessing this to me and while I have no feelings of jealousy towards the mother the fact that they are having a sexual relationship bothers me terribly as it is just so so wrong and I worry very much about the implications...

I don't know what to do. I wish he had never told me as I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I want to help him stop this as it cannot be anything but extremely emotionally damaging but how?? He is not in love with her, it is clearly only a sexual attraction and not a romantic one. Apart from this he is a well adjusted person who has a succesfull career, many friends, very close to his adopted family who are all lovely people.

My knowledge of psychology is limited and there is no way he would confide in a therapist, I am the only person in the world who knows. And tbh I don't get the impression he really wants to stop having sex with her because the sensation and attraction is so intense. He did stop for a while in the beginning of our relationship but it has since then started again. He also says that his biggest desire is for me to watch her suck him off and that most of the time when she is pleasuring him he is looking at photos of me. And while I guess I could watch it I feel it is wrong of me to encourage this unhealthy relationship.

Please help me, I don't know what to do? I am trying to not judge or be harsh and to accept and be understanding but still subtly let it show that it worries me and I have said that I do not think it is healthy. How can I help without making him see a therapist? Is there any hope that he will one day stop this, that it will just fizzle out?

hi tangled
i applaud you for being non-judgmental, but think you are taking it to the extreme. you are right that this is unhealthy but what you dont address in your post is the fact that you are accepting of the fact that he is also cheating on you and you seem to be ok with that as well. if he wont go address this in therapy, i think that it is something you need to go address in therapy yourself because this is not ok. he souldnt expect you to watch this and you shouldnt even consider watching your boyfriend have sex with the woman he is cheating on you with. you deserve better than that. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hello, tangled99, and welcome to Psych Central! I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend has been caught up in this situation. Surely his mother instigated it. No doubt she has some severe psychological issues. I doubt that he will give this relationship up, since it sounds like it is his only connection with her.

I suggest you talk to a counselor about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you and your boyfriend are serious or if you think you might have children together some day.

Having sex with his bio mother over the course of ten years and finding it extremely pleasurable because it's so wrong makes me worry that he's lost all track of what a proper boundary might be.

If you want to stay with him, you would be wise to talk to a therapist about this, someone who is more knowledgeable than the folks here. Don't get me wrong, there is an amazing amount of knowledge and wisdom and experience here, but your situation is unusual.

This is my concern ... and I might be wrong ... he's gotten used to breaking a huge societal and biological boundary. He hasn't stopped in ten years. He finds it exciting and mind-blowing because it's so wrong. What's next? Your sister? Your best friend? Nieces and nephews? Any children you might have?

I'm extremely open-minded about sex and I consider very few things perverted as long as it's consensual. But your boyfriend is engaging in on-going consensual perverted incestuous behavior. I wouldn't expect him to confine it to just his mom if she becomes unavailable. He gets off on the wrongness of it. You had better be careful here.

If you intend to stay with this guy, please get some expert help, so you know how to properly handle this. He obviously needs help, too, but if he goes only to please you, it could drive his behavior deeper underground.

Getting hand jobs from his mom is not okay. Most child sex abuse starts with touching, not full-blown intercourse. It's not okay to cross that boundary just because it feels good. Honestly, I don't think you can trust this guy to know the difference between right and wrong, abuse and not-abuse, not after ten years of this behavior.

Quite frankly, my first impulse is to tell you to run from this guy as fast as you can. I wouldn't say that if he'd disclosed sex had taken place in the past and it's stopped and he feels upset about it or viewed it as something wrong and to be avoided. But it's been ten years, it's on-going, he has no intention of stopping and he really likes it. You know, he is cheating on you ... with his mom. I would leave as fast as I could. But that's a decision you have to make yourself.

My wish you the best in this sad situation.

Thank you for your replies. I am not so bothered about the cheating, I don't really view it as cheating. If it were a random woman I would have gone mental! I have googled and what this is called is genetical sexual attraction, something that happens when adopted children meet their biological parent for the first time when they are adults. The desexualization phase children go through with their family has not taken place becaue the biological parent was absent. So I am not concerned that he would have sex with any of his adopted family or my family although that theoretically would be a lot less wrong. It is only the mother.

I know he feels bad about it but he can't stop and thus just blocks out the thoughts. He says that if he were to stop and really contemplate what he is doing he would want to kill himself... He is also aware that he needs therapy but is too scared/embarassed to tell anyone about this.

You are right, the mother was indeed the instigator and I am starting to resent her very much for allowing this to happen. Although both adults, the parent is always in a position of power with their child. Prior to this starting he had been desiring her for 6 months and felt absolutely horrible about it and very confused but he didn't do anything about it. Of course that is the time when he should have gone to see a psychologist and this would never have happened.

When he met me he stopped having sex with her for months so it appears he can stop. But I asked him why he started again and he said because she kept wanting to. I assume because that is the only hold she has over him and she is terrified that he will shut her out of his life. She often acts like a needy girlfriend.

I know the sensible thing is to run fast and far...
But it isn't that easy when you love someone. We are in a serious committed relationship, and we have a great time together. He has had two long relationships before me but they didn't know his dark secret. He has been living a double life for so long.

I wish I didn't know. I hate that he told me. At the same time he showed me more trust than he has shown anyone else ever by telling me and it feels very wrong to leave him because of that. He tells me the truth about everything as he feels he just has to, that there can be no lies or secrets with me. I see so much potential between us.

Our relationship has from the beginning felt fated, you know like written in the stars. I can't shake the feeling that maybe I am supposed to help him work this out. I am just not sure how to handle it, what to say to instill in him the will to stop without putting him on the defensive or damaging him and our relationship?

And I will see a therapist, just waiting for a referral from my doctor. Just hope that person knows about GSA.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea here.
It sounds like his relationship with his mother is pretty incestuous. I wonder if you are not leaving yourself open to a lot of trouble in the future if you continue with him

I am not one to tell people what they have to do, Your decisions are your own. If it were me however I would drop him fast

I don't agree that a man in his 30's ( when this started) cannot take equal responsibility for this. Yes she may be the mother but both of them are messed up.

Hi Tangled.

You beat me to mentioning GSA...good for you on researching it. It is, according to what I've read, a real (and apparently very...persuasive) thing, but I can't speak to what extent.

I applaud your attempts at understanding...you're a better one than I am for that. I don't think I could. But I do share Kaliope's concerns...there is a limit. He needs to stop this, immediately. Granted, I'm speaking to something I don't know the full extent of (I don't know enough about GSA to say how much sway it has over an affected individual), but he should take steps to get some help. I do completely understand his hesitation in admitting this to a therapist, but he needs to get professional help. I don't think this is anything a therapist hasn't been trained to handle, and he shouldn't feel embarrassed in confessing it. The therapist is there for a job, at the end of the day...he won't be judged or anything of that nature.

On the plus side, I think he realizes this is wrong...his confessing to you and his confession about his guilt to you speaks to the fact he *does* realize what he's doing, but is perhaps unable to stop. Perhaps like an addiction of sorts? Regardless, if he's thinking logically about it and *knows* its wrong, it could be an indication he could be persuaded to talk to a therapist.

Hugs Tangled. I wish you all of the best as you work through this.

Hugs,
Harley

Wow, Tangled. My instinct is to tell you to run, and don't stop running. If he gets off on that who knows what other "wrong" things turn him on. Just run.

Harley,
Yes I think it is like an addiction. Like an alcoholic or a drug addict, he is sick and he is suffering from a psychological disorder.

I am going to ask him again when we have time to talk why he started again and let him know it bothers me. That I want to help but he must be willing to get better.

Also since I was too surprised to really react to it I gave him the impression I was ok with it. Now when it has had a chance to sink in I am of course not.

I do wonder if he told me so I could help him stop. He says I am so wise it is like I am his therapist. The other day he sent me the lyrics to a song called Salvation, it goes like You're my salvation, you're my salvation..

Would it be a good idea to say that either he stops and if he can't on his own then he must get help and I will support him all the way, but if he doesn't intend to stop, if he doesn't want to get better, I can't be his girlfriend anymore because I can't condone what he is doing. Not only cheating on me but harming himself psychologically and I can't just stand by and watch it...

I think you need to think about your own needs very carefully because your boyfriend is clearly not able to. Personally I think you have 2 choices, support him as a friend not a life partner or get him to stop right now and start therapy together as a couple to figure out your long term future. I also think you will both need therapy as individuals as well.

Good luck with your decisions.

There's your answer. This person knows what they are doing is unhealthy and will not do a single thing about it - in fact they're now asking you to become involved.

Get out of this situation now. This man can only be helped and supported so much, the fact that he feels next to no remorse suggests that he isn't ready to accept he needs help.

How can you so easily let 10 years of deception go? This is not something more recent, he has lied to you for a decade and is becoming increasingly unrealistic in his demands. Who asks their partner to engage in a sex act they're sharing with their mother? Why do you think you don't deserve more?

I'm not so forward in my responses normally but i really feel for you - this situation is simply not right. A man in his 40's should know better and for him to put you through this with zero commitment to changing is just dreadful.

The sad thing is that you absolutely can't get him to change - he has to want it for himself and himself alone. Not to please you, not to save the relationship, but to get better for his own sake. If you really must try and somehow work this out, ask him this question directly and if his response is in line with his current behaviour, don't waste any time.

No we have only been together for 9 months.

Got an emergency appointment with my old psychologist today. She confirmed what I thought that it is an illness comparable to other disorders. And she believes that by confessing to me it means that he wants to get help deep down.

She says I need to talk to him and be very clear about him needing to get help for this disorder and focus on it as an illness that needs to be cured. If he is willing to stop it and get better I can be there and support him but if not I need to leave.

She also said something that I hadn't thought about. The mother is a real slut and sleeps around all the time and is cheating on her husband with 5-6 men on a regular basis. So like my therapist said it is a physical danger too because of std.

I am going to try to do this next weekend
.. God it is so hard... :-(

Please forgive me i misread, i'm sorry to hear that your husband is in such danger if he can't find a way to stop. Does he realize about his mothers other partners? They at least need to use protection as something like HIV is incurable...I personally would resist any sexual contact with him until he's able to stop. Who knows maybe the longer the two of you go without sex the more likely he is to realize that this issue affects more than just one area of his life?

Yes he knows about them as she relishes in telling him, sending pictures of things etc... But don't think he has thought about the dangers, that is probably lost in the madness...

I have felt bad for not reacting immediately when he told me. But my therapist said that is a normal reaction to a shock. I haven't really grasped what it means until a few days ago.

Whatever else you do, please get yourself checked for STDs as a matter of urgency, and don't let him near you until he can show he's done the same.

I would not have him as a b/f it just seems so unhealthy in so many ways ..

To me it sounds like something a serial killer would have in his background.

Who's to say that it is wrong to have sex with one's mother?

It's a biological taboo. It's so wrong it's practically in stone.

Tangled wrote:

Tangled, he's not asking you for help or to be like his therapist or to be his salvation. He's grooming you to become a part of his intensely pleasurable sex life. He wants you to be part of the perversion. That would amp up his pleasure immensely.

It's not a testament to his respect and affection for you to be looking at your picture while his mother blows him or wanks him off. It's disrespectful and an insult. And if you were thinking straight, you'd know it. I hope he doesn't have nude photos of you.

Partners, spouses and friends can provide love and support to anyone who's going through challenging times. They can participate in couples therapy. But we can't be their therapists. We're too close. We're involved. We have no detachment.

He's feeding you a huge line of bull **** to feed your ego and pull you into this sick arrangement. You've researched genetical sexual attraction, now look up sexual grooming.

I mean, he had you halfway convinced you could watch his mother blow him, even though you know it's wrong. Darling, that's sexual grooming.

Your psychologist is obviously an optimist. (I had better say here that I've spent my entire career working with people who are deemed marginal by society, including a vast array of sex offenders, sex workers and criminals. I know bull**** and grooming when I see it and I'm seeing it.)

You cannot help this man. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen women act as enablers and participants out of their desire to help the man they love. I was one of the people who was there to pick up the pieces when the woman found her life and self-image shattered. You can't help him. Only he can help himself.

Run, Tangled, Run. You've been with him only 9 months. It's not a huge investment. This man is not worth another minute of your time. You're probably not the first woman he called his salvation, if they'd only ... you know ... help him a little.

Run.

Ack, yuck, run like the wind!