How do you relax enough to climax with another person?

I think there's several factors as to why I can't relax enough to climax with another person touching me (I've been able to climax by masturbating next to another person, but that's it).

I have a hard time concentrating. I tend to have an overactive brain anyway (don't know if it qualifies as racing thoughts or not), but it doesn't bother me so much in everyday life. If something triggers health anxiety in any way, that makes it very hard to relax.

I seem to have a lot of problems with touch. I can cope with it most of the time outside of sex, but sex can be too much. I had an allergy to touch as a child and apparently I didn't like being touched even as a baby (or at least didn't like being swaddled), so it's not a feeling I'm used to. I can cope with hugs and stuff for the most part now unless I'm upset and then it's too much. But during sex, the line between enough stimulation and too much stimulation is really thin and I'm always afraid it's going to be too much or the touch (anywhere on the body) is going to hurt and I can't relax. It hurts to be touched sometimes and I haven't been coping well with hiding that so my partner is getting to the point that he's afraid to touch me again.

I guess I'm lucky to even be able to masturbate next to him and climax, but I just wish that someday I could climax by normal means. It doesn't help the relationship that sex doesn't work the way we'd like it to. It also doesn't help his confidence, as he already thought he was awful at sex and I would leave him because of that before we even met.

You might want to try some basic touching exercises so as to get more comfortable with touch. This video shows basic nonsexual touch exercises to do with your partner. These exercises are aimed at those recovering from abuse and are also applicable to anyone who has a discomfort with touch.

I have trouble achieving climax with my current partner. We have spent a great deal of time talking about it. I want to be sure she knows that the problem is with me, not with her performance. It is still a difficult and embarrasing situation to be in.

I hope that you can communicate with your partner and reassure him that the issues are not with his performance, but with your sensitivity to touch and your anxiety about it.

Thanks! That's something I need...I do feel guilty though asking to go back to essentially square 1...I was better with touch in the not so distant past, but then we both got really busy with grad school at the end of the semester and physical intimacy was a rarity for a few weeks and I guess I became not used to it again?

It at least feels more natural to touch him than it did in the beginning. To think, he had to teach me how to do it and it was almost a deal breaker that I have issues with touch either way since he's a touchy-feely sort of person.

I'm a lot more ok with touch overall, but sometimes it gets too uncomfortable. He doesn't notice (or possibly understand) non-verbal cues (unintentional) so I have to say something or just be quiet and be uncomfortable. What's the best way to say: "You're too much in my bubble, please back off", "I'm uncomfortable with PDA", or "Please don't touch me sexually or at all" in a way that's not confusing or hurtful? It's usually nothing he's done or said (he might have accidentally triggered me on occasion, but that's not on purpose either) but he blames himself anyway regardless. And I feel like I don't meet his touch needs if I have to tell him to "back off" occasionally.

Yes, I've told him that. What complicates the situation for him is that he has a separate issue (premature ejaculation), so despite this particular issue not being his fault, he feels like the other issue is and it's difficult to separate the two. I realize his issue is devastating to his confidence and my issues are not helping one bit. There's a lot of pressure to climax which doesn't help. I also don't know how to show or explain what I like...it only feels "right" when I do it. It may even be more complex in our situation because he has cerebral palsy and can't just automatically learn physical movements the same way a person without CP can. But I don't know...it's all a bit too complex and beyond my own knowledge.

It's just that he's been dumped for sexual performance issues...so obviously it makes him anxious. The rest of our relationship is healthy and works well. It's just sexual issues and my issues with touch. Also, in case it wasn't clear, I DO want to be touched. I just don't want it to make me anxious or overwhelm me. I don't want to have to say "Please don't touch me right now" etc. (like I mentioned in my reply to Bill).

I also wanted to thank both of you for not immediately saying I should dump him and find someone "better" sexually. The problems are psychological/neurological and have nothing to do with lack of chemistry. Besides, after reading all the threads in the relationship forum over the years, besides sex being more challenging than average, we have a pretty much ideal relationship. It wouldn't be worth throwing it away for what should be fixable issues. It may just take a while and I feel like it would be worth the wait.

ETA:
It's also worth mentioning that we are both under incredible stress trying to finish our dissertations and applying for jobs. Neither one of us knows if we'll even get a job or where we're going to live or how we're going to eat...or even if we'll be able to afford to move in together or have several hours put between us geographically. I've become depressed and have a hard time enjoying anything.

With regard to sex, you might want to read a book or two by Barry McCarthy, a noted sex therapist. Some are available on amazon, including one specifically about erection problems.

Basically, sex therapists nowadays promote a vision of closeness and touch being pleasurable in themselves and not just a prelude to intercourse. If couples can experience closeness and touch as fun and pleasurable and satisfying in themselves, then there can be less tension and pressure to perform during sexual interactions. It is quite possible and acceptable for couples to have satisfying experiences without necessarily climaxing each and every time.

With regard to touch not necessarily being pleasurable, did he look at the video with you? I think that ways to tell him how to touch or not touch you should be discussed sometime when you are fully clothed and not in a bedroom. One or both parties not being fully available for sex is a common occurrence and is not necessarily due to any shortcoming in the other. When this happens, couples can (when fully clothed and not in a bedroom) aim to work out what to do or not do in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding and respect. For example, if you do not feel up to receiving touch, perhaps you can nevertheless give him touch (sexual and/or nonsexual). Perhaps you can hug or snuggle instead. The main thing is for one partner to explain, and for the other to understand and accept, that it is not criticism or a personal rejection when one is unavailable for touch or sex.

Not liking being touched as a baby is a sign of autism of some form. Do you know if you liked to be carried or to be left alone on the bed as a baby? Also, from the other post about not wanting to eat cookies from other people, show extreme anxiety (unless you really allergic) and again this could be related to autism. If you know his moves ahead by telling you, could it be easier, or even then you feel anxious to be touched? Do you have specific thoughts when this happens to you?

I just remember a comment about me not liking to be swaddled. I think they gave me some physical affection when I was young, but at some point I developed an allergy to touch. I would actually break out in welts. I grew out of it, at least for the most part. My skin does get irritated easily and I get splotchy red patches sometimes (a rash?)

About the cookies, I do have an allergy/intolerance to a protein in dairy and beef. Unless specially made, the vast majority of cookies, candies, and baked goods have milk products in them. When it's baked, the effect isn't as bad, but why take a chance? But these people would also ask me to lay out a cheese platter or otherwise touch things with dairy in them when we would do receptions and then realize when I look terrified, that oh yeah, I need to physically stay away from dairy. Sometimes the smell by itself makes me sick, but it mainly just scares me.

I did have a strange diet as a child (compared to other children). I apparently was not that interested in meat and preferred vegetables. I apparently also liked mustard at an age that it was unusual. I ate meat when I was a little older and still living at home, but as soon as I moved out, I pretty much stopped eating meat. They idea of touching raw meat and risk of undercooked meat freaked me out too much and I don't usually have that much desire to eat meat. And the whole dairy/beef thing inspired me to just become vegan for a while. Eventually, I began eating eggs and honey again though.

But I digress. The point is that sexual touch sometimes feels way too intense, like someone just turned on a bright light in front of your face, or feedback from a microphone. It happens often enough that's it's difficult to relax when you're afraid that's going to happen.

With non-sexual touch, I only have that problem if I'm upset or having a panic attack. Then I have a reflexive reaction where I either smack the hand away or say stop touching me. There's no thought, just instinctive reaction.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about my reactions to touch. I thought at first it was because I was not used to it, but it's been more than two years at this point, so I should be used to it.

Sorry about the comment about cookies, I thought you are just anxious eating from others, because I have this fear, which isn't justified because I don't have allergies. I'm just afraid of germs and being poisoned.

I asked about expecting the touches because I read somewhere that autistic people don't like being touched unexpectedly, but being told in advance may make them feel less anxious and sensitive as they prepare for it mentally.

I don't particularly like being touched unexpectedly. Especially when I'm upset in any way. If I'm not upset, I might just jump. But if I am upset, I get REALLY upset. I do a lot better if my boyfriend asks to give me a hug first when I'm upset. I guess it could help if he says something before touching me sexually. I nearly jump out of skin when he does it unexpectedly.

I can be anxious eating from others, often not trusting that there actually isn't any dairy in something that shouldn't have any dairy in it. It's more of a problem in restaurants because I don't know who's cooking for me. Food anxiety has made it difficult to eat consistently. I still end up skipping meals if I've been having stomach issues, even if I've been eating safe foods.

I've found that recently at least, I can get myself alone in less than 2 minutes. But sex and foreplay with my partner makes me anxious. It's not that I'm not attracted to him or don't have a libido. It didn't even use to give me this much anxiety. I'm just afraid I'm going to do something wrong, it's going to hurt/be too much, I'm not good enough in some way. Or that he could have a better sex life with someone else...I mean in some ways he has. He has given others orgasms, but there's something wrong with my body or just me and I only can if I'm masturbating.

If it were possible for the two of you to see a sex therapist I think you both could really benefit.

Bill, I've suggested it. He's afraid he'll/we'll be judged since we're not married (or at the very least, engaged). We do live in a red state after all. Not to mention he was raised Catholic; even though he's not so strict now, he was raised with those beliefs. I could go by myself I guess, but since they're an hour away, it would be kind of uncomfortable to go by myself. Not to mention how much more effective it would be if we went together.

What has changed? You think maybe you aren't good enough for him, and probably he is thinking the same thing about himself.

I'm not sure if I've ever felt good enough for him. Other than I'm the only one (besides a long-distance/online relationship maybe) that's really stayed with him (he was used to others dating him for a few weeks then breaking up with him).

He likely only thinks he's not good enough sexually. I don't think I'm good enough in any way. I'm just afraid he's going to get rid of me as soon as we graduate and one of us (hopefully) gets a job in another state. Neither one of us knows what's going to happen after we graduate career-wise, so he doesn't feel comfortable promising anything. But to me that sounds like he's only with me because he feels sorry for me or it's convenient or whatever. It could just be a fundamental misunderstanding of the reassurance I need. He says he's with me because he wants to be and shows this. But I would follow him anywhere and I could promise that even without knowing the future, but he can't or like I said, doesn't understand the reassurance I'm needing. He talks about the future and as both of us as "we" and I suppose that should be good enough.

Maybe part of this is feeling insecure. But there's no security in our lives AT ALL, so it's difficult to really feel secure about the relationship. I mean, we're not married or engaged and he could theoretically just disappear at any time. But neither of us even know where we're going to be living or how we'll be able to make ends me either on our own or together next year so we're both very insecure in general.

But I'm probably starting to digress...

So, it's more than a purely physical challenge. You have some background thoughts that probably act as a psychological barrier above your anxiety to be touched. I'm not good when it comes to relationships, but it seems that you assume things, and project your fears. From your description, I think he is the one who must be afraid that you would leave him.

I think many relationships go through this phase when the future is not certain. But you have somewhat negative view of yourself. You doubt if you're good in anything. You doubt if he truly loves you ... etc. You seem like a logical person when writing, and I think you can evaluate the situation more accurately when your mind clears from the stress. I guess you have enough anxiety and stress finishing your dissertation now.

Apparently, based on my experience today, it's just much more comfortable for me to have sex if I've been drinking (I mean a couple beers, not drunk). I think it relaxes me enough and dulls the sensation enough that it's more pleasant. I had never had any sober sexual contact before I met my partner.

I most definitely expect that a professional sex therapist will not judge you for living together. A safe way to be confident of professionalism is to select a sex therapist who is a member of the the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, www.aasect.org

One possibility, if you went by yourself, would be that you could present these concerns and beliefs to the therapist and, as I hope and expect, receive reassuring answers that you could share with your boyfriend. You could sketch out the difficulties and get a sense of what a treatment plan would be like. You could share what the therapist said with your boyfriend. Possibly this plan would help him overcome his concerns about sex therapy. It is an idea.

We don't live together. He has told me that he's afraid of being judged for us just having sex. I imagine it's more of a cover for feeling embarrassed or ashamed to go admit to someone that he has premature ejaculation. And also facing up to the fact that is problem is somewhat severe and has been lifelong.

I'm not sure I could convince him simply by telling him what a therapist said. You have written out a more solid plan than I could think up, so thank you for that. The only AASECT certified therapists in the state are an hour away unfortunately, making it more difficult and more anxiety-inducing for me to set up an appointment and go by myself. I might try to convince him one more time to go with me.

I am sorry that I was incorrect about living together. Still I remain fully confident that neither of you will be judged by a qualified, trained sex therapist for having sex.

This assessment sounds quite plausible to me. There are known techniques for treating premature ejaculation.

Hmm I wonder if you could even email the sex therapist that is an hour away, explain/inquire, and receive a helpful/reassuring/encouraging response....

Don't worry about thinking we were living together. It was a logical conclusion to draw and I'm not bother by the assumption.

So I was right in a way that his thinking he would be judged was sort of a cover. He has issues with therapists/therapy, but is not comfortable talking about it with me. So I don't think I should push the issue further of us both going unfortunately. At least not right now. I'll consider going on my own, but first he's going to go have a physical and see if they can run test for low testosterone and/or anything the doctor thinks necessary to rule out physical symptoms for his issues.

It is really good that he is willing to see a doctor. (A sex therapist would ask for that as well.) And if everything is okay physically maybe the doctor will suggest sex therapy!

I.am - you sound so much like me. The only difference is I am 42 and been married to the same man for 22 years. I don;t like touch. I am hypersensitive. It is uncomfortable when others touch me.

When H and I have sex, I usually wear a shirt and socks. Most of the time I keep my bra on. The more skin I can cover in order to avoid sensation the better.

As far as relaxing enough to climax, as nontraditional as this sounds, my T suggested alcohol before sex to knock the edge off of hte stress level.(or move to a state that legalized marijuana). Unfortunately I am not a spring chicken so that resulted in to much time in the bathroom. It is never good to have to stop during sex to go pee. That is a mood killer.

I don't know if it makes a difference to you or not. But I have past issues with CSA and rape. So that is most likely the cause of hte hypersensitivity to touch thing. Is there some kind of abuse in your past.

Also I have ADD/ADHD and attention span and distractability does affect things in the bedroom as well.

Alcohol does help...but since there's a history of alcoholism in my family and based on my own personality and how much I'm around alcohol, I'm probably a pretty high risk at becoming an alcoholic if I'm not careful. And so I'm apprehensive to use it in such a medicating way...if I was already drinking because it was part of what I was already doing that evening, then fine.

I think it also helps me to be in control and to be the one initiating. Then there's no grey area of consent. I've had a really hard time communicating a "no". Either being unable/afraid to voice anything or it just not being heard/understood/listened to. Or I feel incredibly guilty saying no.

As for abuse...I suppose I've experienced/witnessed verbal/emotional/psychological abuse. I don't know...I have trouble calling it that, but I've had therapists look shocked when I've told them about it, so apparently it was bad? I've had a lot of experiences where I got into a sexual situation not realizing that was what was going to happen. You know how there's these subtle hints that imply sex could happen? Like say you wanted to see the inside of a frat house when you're in college (because you're curious) because you literally wanted to see it, but that's implying you want sex I guess. I didn't know until afterwards. There's been a number of other incidences but I don't really want to describe all of them. You could make a case that I've felt sexually assaulted, but I'm not sure if it would have met any legal standard (because of the consent issue I have)

But I've apparently had touch issues since I was a baby. I remember my mom saying I couldn't stand to be swaddled or something. I had a literal allergy to touch as a child. I didn't really get a lot of physical affection (or enough to take it's place) and I'm honestly not sure if I ever bonded with my parents the way I was supposed to. Touch is still somewhat foreign to me and not a "normal" way to show affection. I still have to consciously think what to do with my hands during sex or foreplay which makes it hard to relax and enjoy anything.

As for ADD, I suspect I could have that...I have a hard time focusing and there seems to be a million things exploding through my mind, especially during sex/foreplay. And it's the whole concentrating on what I'm supposed to do when that is really distracting. I've also suspected the possibility that I could be on the autism spectrum or have some sort sensory issue. I've had trouble with certain sounds over the course of my life...it's gotten worse as I've gotten older. I suspect that's because I was partially deaf as a child (so less things were too loud) and because I've studied music extensively, my ears are extremely sensitive to acoustic phenomenon, but they seem more so than most others with similar backgrounds. I don't know though.

Another thing and I'm surprised I forgot to mention it earlier...I have a lot of shame and guilt about my sexuality in general. I was raised in a very conservative area and I realized at some point that I'm bi (so shame over same sex attraction), gender fluid (so sometimes my physical body doesn't really fit what I want to do sexually...and I often think that I was "ripped off" by being given female body parts that just seem so much less efficient than the male counterparts), and that I'm TOO sexual and a pervert. Sex is often all I think about...to the point it's distracting. Maybe it's because of the super conservative upbringing, but I always had the impression that I wasn't supposed to have any kind of sexual thoughts or interest at all. And it's the opposite for me, so it all seems wrong I guess. But the bisexuality in general has indirectly or directly caused me to lose all close female friendships and I'm just afraid of being found out and I don't really make friends anymore. But I'm probably starting to get off topic...

Has anyone ever mentioned tactile allodynia to you. I can't stand light brushing against my skin feels like sand paper against my skin. But there are variations that may be worth looking into. If you have always had issues with touch, then perhaps it's something physical/neurological.
Really I just wanted to tell you there are conditions similar to what describe. Might be worth looking around.

Ere I think your response was intended for I.AM but I want to say thank you. I had no idea there was a word for that kind of touch sensitivity. That may help I.Am and me to and may others. Thank you for sharing that.