I find sexually humiliating behavior pleasuring

Hello, I'm male and 19. First of all sorry for my eventual bad english, it's not my first language.. it's hard for me to explain things in my native language so you can imagine in english.
I've been diagnosed with depression and dysmorphia at 16: at that time didn't want to go to school anymore, and since I was 14 I've had social anxiety and my low self esteem was worsening every day. Obviously my family wasn't helpful as it should've been (I'm definetely not the only one who thinks that). I've been told by a psychiatrist to take antidepressants, at first I didn't actually take them because I've always hated them, later I did but for 2-3 months but there were no effects.
I've even seen a psychologist for ~6 months, but I've never told him about this, because I've always felt deeply ashamed about this problem. Later I came back to school even though I've lost a year, started doing sport which seemed to help but didn't solve this.
Along with low self esteem, I've been bullied since I was ~13 to ~16, it was verbally and never became physical but maybe I would've prefered that so I could have been able to react.
Anyway, I've developed this form of self harm by fantasizing being sexually dominated by someone stronger than me. In porn terms, we can call it sissy porn, forced feminization porn to make things easier.
As easy as it seems for me to (just) write about it, it's horrible to deal with it, as I feel ashamed of what I feel and that completely annihilated my ego.
Through these years I've fallen in love different times with girls, never with guys. As you can imagine I've felt horrible about myself, so even if in some cases I did talk with them I've never told them my feelings about them.
I've read Freud thought that people may use sexual humiliating behaviors to go past sexual inhibitions or lower their ego, I think mine is definitely the second case..
I feel bad even when, for example, I'm having an argument, or I avoid to have one because I think I would feel pleasure acting stupid, inviting someone to mistreat me.
I've FELT BETTER for one month, a month ago, after 2-3 months of no-masturbation: I did that because I've read this so called 'no-fap' thing on the internet but it ende when I ejaculated during sleep. Believe it or not, that caused my depression to come back: I wasn't happy but I thought I could have been. Anyway, now that I did some research on masochism, I've read something about 'conditioning' the masturbation through cognitive behavior therapy, could it be the same thing I did?
Help me..

I am a female in my 50s but I am sure some males will also post some replies. This seems like a totally normal fantasy to me. There is no reason to be ashamed of having a fantasy like this or masturbating.

I have had fantasies like this plus many others. You will probably eventually experience other fantasies as well. I find that if I don't orgasm on a regular basis, I feel "grumpier" and it is harder for me to sleep. I really enjoy when my husband helps me achieve this and especially when we ocassionally orgasm at the same time but when he doesn't "get the job done", I am a lot less frustrated if I masturbate. So I guess I am saying that I think some people are not as content when they go "no-fap". In my opinion, the need to orgasm is sort of "programmed" into many of us ensuring the survival of our species. After all, I doubt I would have gotten married and had two children if I didn't enjoy sex. I am less depressed and can concentrate on other things better when I satisfy this need.

I have been going to therapy for more than a year. I did not start talking about my private sexual issues with her until I had been seeing her for 5 months. Once you talk about one sexual issue, it might be easier to talk about all of them with your psychologist. It may not seem like that big of a deal once you talk about this with someone.

It should be not considered self harm if I would have only liked the sexual side of it, but it makes me act somewhat submissive/passive during all the other activities.. what I think is that this is more like a masochist feeling than a more acceptable bisexual feeling.. I've always only fell in love with girls, never guys.. anyway the new psychologist I'm seeing since 1 month ago already knows about that 'nofap' thing but in 2 days I will talk about this, I just can't hold it in anymore

Perhaps being somewhat submissive/passive is part of your personality--I think many people, male and female, can be like that. But it might be harder to accept when you are male due to cultural stereotypes. Maybe that was why you were bullied? I am sorry that happened to you. That was not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. And it seems like some girls really like getting there way. My marriage is not like this, I feel like I always give my H what he wants but sometimes females are more assertive and dominant. You may meet a girl some day that is a good match for your personality. So I am glad you are going to talk to the psychologist about this. And I hope your depression and dysmorphia gets better. There are other forums dealing with those issues. You aren't alone and you may want to read some of the posts....

That's the point, I guess it's opposite to my personality.. acting different than passive makes me feel creative, you can imagine how creativity is related to every kind of activity so it's the easiest example that comes to my mind.. something that just goes away with that sexual feeling, I would never think it's something good to me (actually yeah I would like it but it would come along probably with a pornography job where I only live about it and I wouldn't obviously be able to find a girl)
Actually I don't think I'd have radical preferences talking about a woman's personality, but many times I fantasized having a dominant role.. you see? It's like I feel deprieved of my virility, I don't like to say it with these words but I coudln't think of anything else.. and I know it may look like it's due to stereotypes but I don't feel it's like that in my case..

I'm sorry for posting again :-{/ I forgot to mention something which may be important.
While I think about this during other activities I relate sex to competivity and/or violence, and it results in that kind of sexual desire.. like I think just like an halfway subject between a chimp and a bonobo (which I am?) (ahahaahah)
But seriously, I have a too much animal-like point of view on sex, like I am the weakest wolf in a wolfpack (and otherwise I know how to be not, but I just feel so ashamed so I don't)
Also, talking about this with my mother (I live with her only) she said that some time ago my brother (he is some years older than me) told her 'he has bisexual fantasies', and I thought that probably, knowing how he is similiar to me, he has the same fantasies as mine.. if I am right and this is not right, I thought something wrong went during our education by our parents.. they also divorced some years ago and never had a good relationship, NEVER... they never argued too much but I wish they did.. they always kept in emotions and me and my brother felt it, so we probably learnt to keep in emotions as they did..

Hey harmfulleh

First off, I'll say that sometimes I fantasize about being dominated too, in a humiliating way even.

I have read something recently, it describes a phenomenon called inverted sadism. It starts with being a compliant type, non-assertive. I was bullied too.
This creates anger and hate towards those that wrong you and suspicion of those you do not know.
But since one is neurotically non assertive these sadistic feelings are not outwardly realized, instead they are turned upon his/herself.
One may seek abusive and humiliating situations unconsciously, and it offers an outlet for their own repressed sadistic energy.
Basically, one is mad but does not feel comfortable in treating others badly, so one seeks to expel this sadistis energy in the only other way, upon him/herself.

I don't know if you do this, or wether it manifests only in your fantasies, but give it some thought and see if it might apply to you. It did to me.

I think it's exactly what happens to me!!! And I feel like I can't find a way to channel that energy in any other way..

I've talked about it.. it took me long so she only suggested me to try to avoid sexual thinkings in other situations but there is no problem with masturbating.. the only idea the comes to my mind now, is that I shpuld masturbate only thinking about heterosexual thoughts.. else I really have no idea what I could do..

What I used to think and seems more clear now is that the few 'friends' I have never really tried to understand my problem and instead tried to make them look great near the weakened myself.. or probably is just anger, but since I don't really trust anybody right now (as you said too) this is how I feel..

I had a lot of repressed sexual energy, and I dealt with it in all kinds of ways, many in which I was ashamed of. Dealing with the cause of this repression is the only thing that helped me understand my urges, urges that did not seem to fit with the person I thought I was.
And I was right, it doesn't fit, it's a dysfunction due to the repression, only therapy allowed me to see it, so mostly, the guilt is gone and the urges are changing.

I'm not saying that fantasies are disfunctional, but in my case, they were because they were influenced by childhood trauma.

Hang in there, and do your best to keep fantasies within your comfort zone.

I think I had some kind of childhood trauma, but really hard to see and explain since it's something deep and could have been missed in my thoughts.. even if I'm sure I feel it.. I've always tried hard to be true to myself so I've also had to be emotional about this and I think I got stuck with this unbalanced feeling..
Yes feeling in my comfort zone with fantasies sounds good, I hope 'it works'.. I feel exactly what you described
I will talk with the therapist also about the cause of repression, which I think will be hard to do since it's hard for me to see what in fact the reason is..
I was also thinking, that I could have been emphatic to my brother, who I'm sure had some other kind of childhood trauma..

Hmm, not sure your therapist was very realistic. I am fortunate, I have never felt disgusted by my sexual preference. For me Its about control or lack of it it.
I suppose I just wanted you to know your not alone. These feelings can be overwhelming in your teenage years and early 20's. They will settle into something more manageable as you mature and experience more relationships.
Stay positive,don't beat yourself up, not all these things are triggered by trauma. Sexual preference is as varied as people's taste in music.
I hope you can find a comfortable place to be yourself.
All the best

My therapist only told me to stop thinking too much time about sex during other activities, cause it obviously makes me unfocused..
What about the causes of those feelings? Do you have a clue why you have them?
It has passed some time since I've started refusing them, probably from the beginning. That's why I just can't feel ok with that.
I'll feel comfortable when they'll disappear :|