BF touched me in the night....should I worry? May trigger

Last night (or rather very early this morning) I was sleeping at my boyfriend's place, and he put his arm around me but then kinda tried to "seduce" me (touched my breats, started to move his hand lower.) I could tell he had an erection. I jumped and moved away, and he stopped. This was about an hour before I had to be up, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I was sexually abused in childhood, which he knows about. Being touched in my sleep (or even in the dark, sometimes) is really triggering for me-- it'll make me anxious, scared, cause me to cry (I didn't cry this morning, but when we've had sex in the dark I've started to cry before.) He's mentioned in the past that it would turn him on to be woken up by sex/sexual activity-- I've rarely done that because it's hard for me to do that without feeling like a "molester". Earlier in the relationship (we've been together a year and a half), he started to touch me in my sleep and I asked him not to, told him it kinda freaks me out (after enduring it a couple times), and he didn't do it again (until last night)-- that was maybe 10 mos ago.

My question is, do I confront him about it? I don't know if he meant to or if he was even awake. I highly doubt he did it to intentionally hurt me but rather that he "forgot" (in some sense of the word) what I had mentioned before. I'm not scared of him per se (never been any indications of abuse or violence...never even really had a major argument), but I'm scared to confront people in general-- always afraid they are going to be mad at me and either hurt me or leave me. I second guess myself and worry that I'm making a "big deal" out of nothing. Should I wait and see if it happens again before talking about it, bring it up now, or don't bother at all?

I'd just explain to him again and tell him it doesn't turn you on in any way but does the opposite. If he respects the relationship enough then he should be understanding. It is a big deal if you it makes you feel bad. Don't wait for it to happen again, just mention it now and be firm. Other wise he will not know to stop but possibly accept you not saying anything as an invitation to do it again.

it would make me feel hurt that he "forgot" something that important to me. ive had guys tell me that it would turn them on to be woken up like that too but i understand where youre coming from. you should be open and let him know how it made you feel. maybe he thinks that total sex is wrong but touching is okay. and if its not he needs to know that.

keeping something like that inside of you can only lead to resentment. not being open about your feelings could later cause you to be angry about something that he has no clue about. i always hate it when someone, a year later, gets so mad at me for something i "always do" but i never know i do it because they don't tell me. i think this would be a good turning point for you. if you tell him he can react in 1 of 2 ways and maybe the way he reacts will either strengthen your relationship or weaken it. either way, you need to know what his intentions are and how he meant those gestures.

and if he gets mad and leaves you then he doesnt deserve you anyways. you deserve someone who is understanding and patient with you through all your triggers. i used to feel scared about that too so i would have sex with boyfriend while crying and they never noticed. my current boyfriend notices every facial expression change and has never once gotten mad at me for remembering a bad memory. i hope you figure everything out.

Sam_I_Am,

I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through so much (((((Sam_I_Am))))) It is entirely possible that he did it in his sleep and didn’t even realize it. I cannot tell you how many times my own husband has done that. In the morning he’ll say “wow, thanks for waking me up, that was GREAT:” I’m like, ah, you woke me up.

I wouldn’t “confront” him per say, I’d talk to him about it. Just let him know that it makes you really uncomfortable. But like I said, he may have been on autopilot and not even known was he was doing.

If it makes you uncomfortable, it isn’t a big deal out of nothing. Are you in therapy to help you work through these issues? I know that they’ll never be gone, but hopefully they’ll be… less intense.

Please let us know what happens. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if he had no memory of the incident.

While I do not believe you have any thing to worry about, for this type of sexual activity is very common of both the male & female in the middle of the night when they stir and feel their lover next to them....... I would still talk to your boyfriend concerning how you feel about this and that you would rather that he not touch you sexually when you are not awake.

P.S.
I for one love to be awakened by my husband in the middle of the night with sweet gentle touches and soft kisses.

I had a boyfriend once who would do that in his sleep. He didn't even remember doing it, but it drove me crazy. I never liked being touched while sleeping and I don't have abuse in my past. So I totally understand how you feel, though it must be much worse for someone with abuse in their history.

I would just kindly talk to him about it. Just say "babe....you were touching me while we were sleeeping, I don't know if you were awake or not, but it really bothers me and I had to say something." Just be nice about it, and let him know. I know men often have "erotic" dreams in the night, so he could have been sleeping. If he knows it bothers you and did it on purpose, then I would worry. But if he was asleep, he didn't even know he was doing it.

Sorry sam I am..

I'm trying to approach this from a guys point of view and yes unfortunately I and other guy friends of mine have had discussions about how it would be great to woken up too by some form of love making.

Men seem to like that for some reason, its a turn on. Men well from my experience (speaking for myself) usually wake up with an erection in the morning. Friends of mine have told me that they to experience erections in the morning thus leading to wanting love and sex.

I was abused when i was a little guy of only 7 or 8 and i can empathisize with you. My abuse usually happened at night when the perpetrator thought i was asleep.

Maybe you and B/f can work out something, it sound like he just wants to be loving and close in the morning, but still must respect your boundaries, so yes its good you have made that clear to him.

Maybe some desensitising therapy may help too if u want to go that route, ive heard it has helped alot of people who have been abused and who have phobias? Just as suggestion, good luck, feel free to PM me anytime if u wish to discuss any further if u feel u need to talk.

Peace Out, ziggy1

the exact same thing happened to me and i have been abused as well, and i did confront him in the end, and we broke up for a while, but we did get back together and we did sort it

im sorry it hapened to you again, i know how awful it feels, ,

If you two are honest with each other than you should be able to openly talk about it. But because you know he's not trying to hurt you you don't want to be accusing but rather just let him know you were spooked and explain your concerns.

If you had reached up and turned a light on would you have been able to enjoy it?

{{{Hugs}}}

OcEaN

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I did talk to him about it over the weekend. He says he didn't remember doing it, that he didn't even remember waking up in the night or anything. He seemed concerned nonetheless and apologized. I felt better after talking to him, slightly worried that it could happen again, but I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. Thanks again.

GOOD for you!
You see?
There is NOTHING to be afraid of when you let yourself be COMFORTABEL in a relaitonship and knowing you have ha place! and rights

I can totally relate to how even frightening it way seem to talk to some1 about somehting you dislike. but if you just explain they way you feel and DO NOT blame, just explain how you feel, most chances are you are RESPECTED because you show yourself as a person who DESERVS RESPECT.

and you KNOW you do. just as much as he does.

He sounds like a great guy!! Good for you for opening up to him about it!!!!

I totally believe that the man has no recollection whatsoever of the situation; this is very common. One thing that you may do in an effort to prevent it from happening again is put a mountain of pillows between you so that he has to work to get to you. This might help a small % of the time, in theory the effort will "wake him up".

Sam you definitely need to "cross that bridge" now rather than if it happens again. Because quite frankly, it isn't healthy that you are so afraid of sex. Sexual interaction between couples is normal. You cannot sleep in bed with someone and expect them not to touch you in your sleep or in the dark. This just isn't reasonable. This will destroy your relationship if you don't get ahold of it immediately.

<font color="purple">(((Hugs)))) I can relate far too well... I have struggled with this same issue with my husband since we been together... and thats 21 yrs... He doesnt do it anymore, or at least hasnt in a cple yrs.. but it took a very long time for him to stop... I hate it when he touches me when I am sleeping... absoultely hate it! We went thru a time when I would wake up and it would be more than touching, he would be on me... I would freak, he would get insulted, even though he knew/knows my background... and no matter how much I tried to explain to him how this made me feel, he continued... it wasnt until after I cheated on him and we went to counseling that he finally had a light bilb moment and realized that what he was doing was no different than what the abusers did to me... and he didnt like being put in that catergory... so at first it was his ego he was worried about then later he was concerned about mine... its a long story and lots has happened and we now have a good marriage and relationship...

I would have a firm discussion about how you are feeling.. and explain to him that when he touches you when you are sleeping that it is not consented and makes you feel violated... and if it continues maybe try counseling together to help him understand or maybe think about breaking it off with him if he isnt going to respect your well being... Good luck! </font>