molestion by husband wile I'm sleeping

Hi, I'm new here so forgive me if I don't post right. About 1 1/2 yrs ago my husband started to do things sexually we haven't done in yrs. We've been married 31 yrs. The first was open-mouthed kissing with tongues involved and it went on from there. I've had my suspicions about an affair. His work would allow him to trick me about the time he is there or not. But what really scares me and makes me angry too is that he has started touching me inappropriately when he thinks I'm sleeping. I push his hand or hands away and ask him about it the nest AM most times and he either denies it or says he was just rubbing my butt. But his hands are under my underwear not on top. Or under my shirt. Why is he doing this? I don't deny him sex. Anyone out there with any help to my delimma? It makes me not want to have sex with him. My Dad sexually molested me for 2 yrs before I told on him and this sort of reminds me of that. Thanks for any help.

How can a husband touch his wife inappropriately is my question. Have you considered that he simply enjoys your body and wants to touch it? Maybe you need to react possitively to his touching.

It would be "molestation" or "rape" if you woke up all the way and told him "No!" Otherwise, he's perfectly in the right.

I wish my husband would touch me "inappropriately" in my sleep!

hmmm maybe he is sleeping as well. I know I have had that happen to me too. Or maybe he is wanting more sex than he use to? I know my hubby likes it sometimes if I rub him while he is sleeping to kind of get things going. maybe your hubby is hoping for something like that with you. like when we are younger.

Its easy to be flippant and say enjoy it while it lasts ! As I certainly do ! But if its not what you want then you have an issue that needs dealing with .....

Try talking to each other while a little tipsy it will loosen both of your tounges and maybe you will get to the truth and find that as you know its because of say he finds you so attractive he just cant keep his hands off you then you may not mind !

Who knows this could be the start of a great new sexual time for you both.

If it really bugs you then maybe sex councling will help you both although I would be far to embarrased to go lol, I have heard they are fantastic.

for some strange reason I do get the urge to fondle my wife at 2-3-4 in the morning every once in awhile....shes usually snoring away and i just caress and touch her all over....once she woke up and joined in and other times she slept right thru it.....

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yiyii99 said: My Dad sexually molested me for 2 yrs before I told on him and this sort of reminds me of that. Thanks for any help.

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I think this is the statement that says it all. I too was sexually abused at night, while "sleeping". I could never tell anyone.

This type of sexual contact makes me feel like I did when I was being abused...dirty, bad, helpless, etc.

I am sorry that I can give you no advice, other than telling your husband how it makes you feel.

Take care.

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Brian37 said:
for some strange reason I do get the urge to fondle my wife at 2-3-4 in the morning every once in awhile....shes usually snoring away and i just caress and touch her all over....once she woke up and joined in and other times she slept right thru it.....

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My husband has stated the exact same thing and from what I have heard from talking with other females this seems to be a male thing for some.

I personally handled this matter with my husband by requesting that while he may stir me in the middle of the night with gentle caresses and kisses - He is NEVER to finish without me.

Touching is Welcomed by both of us in the night.... even if it leads to no where.

He is NEVER to finish without me

wow...........that made my toes curl when I read that

Hi SetemberMorn, He does know that I don't want to be sexually touched while he THINKS I'm sleeping. This is a new behavior he is exhibiting. We've been married 31 yrs. Regardless of whether you are a husband or wife if the other person doesn't want to be touched in that way at that time it is inappropriate. Just because we are married doesn't give him the right to rule my body. Cuddling is fine but not sneaking like he does. He knows it wakes me up and I don't want him to do it. Being sexually molested by my Dad as a child doesn't help. After my husband does his sexual stuff to me and I wake up when I go back to sleep my dreams are very bad.

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yiyii99 said:
This is a new behavior he is exhibiting.
We've been married 31 yrs.

Regardless of whether you are a husband or wife if the other person doesn't want to be touched in that way at that time it is inappropriate.

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I too totally agree with YOU...... as I went thru with my husband of 22 years some time back and it took many months for him to finally stop until I was comfortable with it....... some of the time I have to say that my husband did it in his sleep for he did not remember doing it in the morning and at other times I felt he was just needing some spice in life after twenty some years with the same woman / routine.

But never the less..... No is NO!!

Hi Danialla,Thanks for your support. I don't think those who haven't been molested realize the repurcussions in our lives. While I don't dwell on it,I'm 62 now,at times bad memories do surface. One of the worst is of my brother holding my arms back so my Dad could touch me where he wanted. Thanks again for your kindness and understanding.

If it wakes you up, I would make an issue of it right then? If my husband so much as farts I wake him up too so he can suffer along with me If you don't like the touch at the time, don't wait until the AM, make sure he is awake and aware and tell him "not now" or "not that".

Hi Rhapsody, Thanks for you support and kindness as well. He is exhibiting so many new behaviors in the last 1 1/2 yrs I can't keep up with him. He pulls tricks on me as well,I guess to make me feel like I'm crazy just like in that old move "Gaslight". One of the other respondents said to get tipsy but I can't do that as I am an epileptic. He drinks though,just beer. But he goes through 2 -30 packs a week. Is that a lot because I've never been able to drink. Thanks again,Yiyii99

did you say (2) 30 packs per week!..........

hell yes thats a lot......thats too much

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yiyii99 said:
He drinks though, just beer. But he goes through 2 -30 packs a week. Is that a lot because
I've never been able to drink. Thanks again,Yiyii99

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OUCH! - as the Daughter of a reformed alcoholic Father - I have to say that 2-30 packs of beer per week is a lot.

And along with your husbands new found need for sex no matter if you are a wake or a sleep I have to ask:
"What is it that your husband is trying to deal with or hide from" - since he is using sex & beer as his drug of choice as to numb his inner wounds / feelings.

heck yeah that is alot! whew! I am sorry you are going thru this and I really didn't mean to sound flippent with my comments. I would tell him when he wakes you up to stop.

Hi Brian37, Yes, he does drink that much. He buys Miluakees Best Light because it is so cheap here. And sometimes 6-pks like Shock Top or Killigan's Red. I know he gets tipsy on the weekends esp. He's also been paying more attention to how he looks esp when getting ready to go to work. He is 51,almost 52 and he is also using young sayings like "My bad" etc. He's never talked that way before when new phrases came out. I love him very much but just don't understand what is happening with him. He is a good worker. He works at a food factory as one of the foreman in the smokehouse part and has to deal with all kinds of paperwork. Thank you for your information re the beer. Yiyii99

Hi bebop, We all make assumptions and flippant comments sometimes. None of us is perfect,including me. I feel guilty being on this forum without his knowing. I do tell him to leave me alone when he does that or push his hands away and get out of bed and smoke part of a cigarette. He's awake when he does it and knows what he is doing. I've tried to talk to him about consuelling but he refuses. I just can't figure him out. It's hard when you think you've know a person for that long and then they flip on you. Thanks,again Yiyii99

you said he is 51. I think maybe he is feeling he is losing his youth and maybe going thru midlife crisis. alot of men go thru this at this age. as the old saying goes...this too shall pass. my dh is not like that anymore. he is 55 and since about 47 says he is old. we are rarely intimate anymore. but I was married before to an older man and he was very much like you are describing your husband without the drinking.

The way I see it, after 31 yrs of being married, you should consider yourself LUCKY that he's still interested in your body that way.

I'm really sorry that you don't think so. You're complaining about something I wish MY husband was doing!

BTW, I was molested and raped as a very young child. Thank God I can tell the difference between the grandmother, the sperm donor and my HUSBAND. I've also been married for over 30 yrs.

EDIT: Yes, I agree that he very well may be going through mid-life crisis and is trying to hang on to his youth. He's also 10 yrs younger than you? I'd do a quick revision of my thoughts and feelings and go on this last "wild ride" with him or he may find a young chicky-poo to go on it with him rather than you. If it takes therapy, so be it. Nothing wrong with that. What's not right is you thinking that he's "molesting" you.

You might tell him that he's exhibiting an alchoholic's behavior drinking all that beer, too.

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bebop said:
you said he is 51. I think maybe he is feeling he is losing his youth and maybe going thru midlife crisis.

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I too was thinking the exact same thing after learning her husband was 51 years old - sounds like he is trying regain his youth.

I agree with you...I don't think it is appropriate at all!! I deal with this with my husband now!, I find it very uncomfortable, but in your case...you all have been married for awhile, and he never did this b4..I would personally be concerned. I try to talk to my husband, and let him know that what he does makes me uncomfortable, but he thinks it's ok...and keeps doing it. Have you talked to him about this? And if so, does he still do it? I think your feelings are more important than what he wants sexually, and he needs to respect that. I think that maybe you should tell him to try to wake you maybe by kissing your neck, and if you respond back to him then go from there, but let him know that if you do not respond, then he needs to back off (but say it nicely, and respectfully not to hurt his feelings or ego). Try that to see if maybe he agrees. that's what we are working on right now.

Best of luck!!

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yiyii99 said:
.... But what really scares me and makes me angry too is that he has started touching me inappropriately when he thinks I'm sleeping. I push his hand or hands away and ask him about it the nest AM most times and he either denies it or says he was just rubbing my butt. But his hands are under my underwear not on top. Or under my shirt. Why is he doing this? I don't deny him sex. Anyone out there with any help to my delimma? It makes me not want to have sex with him. My Dad sexually molested me for 2 yrs before I told on him and this sort of reminds me of that. Thanks for any help.

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This needs to be addressed with a counselor. I think this is a serious boundary violation...which borderlines on rape. Being married does not give a person a license or right to violate his/her spouse. It is wrong what he is doing, especially him knowing you were violated as a child.

You'd think he would have enough decency to ask for your permission first..."Hey honey, how would you feel if I touched you while sleeping?"

Your husband is getting off to your vulnerability and powerlessness. It's a typical deviant agenda of molesters, rapists, and sadists.

Nothing will change until you become more assertive with him. Assertiveness doesn't come naturally for abuse survivors like us. You might consider sleeping in another bed until you find resolve.

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yiyii99 said:
Hi SetemberMorn, He does know that I don't want to be sexually touched while he THINKS I'm sleeping. This is a new behavior he is exhibiting. We've been married 31 yrs. Regardless of whether you are a husband or wife if the other person doesn't want to be touched in that way at that time it is inappropriate. Just because we are married doesn't give him the right to rule my body. Cuddling is fine but not sneaking like he does. He knows it wakes me up and I don't want him to do it. Being sexually molested by my Dad as a child doesn't help. After my husband does his sexual stuff to me and I wake up when I go back to sleep my dreams are very bad.

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yiyii99....I agree with you 100% here.

You could threaten him with calling the police if it happens again. But you have to be serious and willing to call the instant you wake up to the violation (which is non-consenting sexual contact or RAPE). It's a crime.

Especially because of your abuse history...this is just horrible that your husband would invade your boundaries like that.

First suggestion - I know this sounds dumb - but maybe different pajamas? Something a little tighter that he couldn't get into. Maybe like sweats with a tight waistband...I dunno.

Second suggestion - as others have said - call the cops. Even if you are married, that does not give him license to do this. A sleeping person is not capable of giving consent. That makes it rape/molestation. Now...you may or may not actually want to take him to court - but simply calling the cops might make him realize just how bad this really is.

And if it continues, you may just have to sleep in a seperate room until he can promise to keep his hands off. Or...maybe get one of those bed rails (like for kids beds) and put it in the middle of the bed to kinda create a barrier.

Tell him that it is NOT OKAY. Remind him of your abuse history. If he keeps it up, that is just wrong. He needs help.