Sleeping Sex

**sexual content**

This may not be normal in a marriage but I began doing this after my babies where born. If my husband really wanted some lovin and I was exhausted I'd just roll over and let him do what he needed to do. I thought this was okay because it kept him happy and I got to sleep. Well after time and after time it began to be the only time we were intimate...when I was asleep (not really considered intimate, but you know what I mean). I'd just shrug it off as a schedule mishap and let him do what he needed to do.

Now it's gotten really bad. I'm seriously concerned about this but find it entirely to embarrassing to discuss else where. My husband has completely cut off regular one on one lovin with me sleeping. I think he prefer it that way....actually I know he does.

A few really concerning situations happened that made me feel disguised and violated. I told him I felt this way and he laughed at me. Is this normal or is my feelings correct on this?

if you feel disgusted and violated then whatever happened that left you feeling that way is not okay for you.

i don't think it is a very loving thing for him to laugh at you for feeling that way.

i think that your feelings should be respected.

If he's doing this while you're asleep, then you can't consent. That's rape. If I'm understanding you, you were awake when he first did this, but sometimes he just crawls on top of you while you're asleep, and you wake up at some point?

Regardless, you've told him this makes you feel disgusted and violated, and he should respect you enough to feel bad and to stop it. If he continues doing it, he's committing a crime. You need to call the police or consult a legal representative. What he's doing is NOT ok, and it is a sexual assault. Do you have a psych? TELL HIM/HER!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry that you are feeling sexually degraded by someone you love and share your life with.... I have gone thru in my marriage, as have a few other members (ladies) here at PC.

I am not sure that one can actually call this RAPE - in the sense that you could call the police or go to court over it - for you gave your husband permission to do this - the go a head.

.... Have you taken this PERMISSION away from him?

If the answer is YES.... then you need to be firm with him and tell him WHY you want him to stop and then make it happen. If the answer is NO, then you must tell him ASAP!! - other wise he does not know that you wish for him to stop.

After my husband and I went thru this - we had a long about it and came up with this solution.....
I give him permission to touch me and to kiss me (any where's on my body) as to stir me and wake me up - BUT he is not allowed to follow thru with sexual intercourse until I am fully conscious and able to consent to the act.

Do you think that might work for you and your husband?

I disagree that he doesn't know she wishes for him to stop. She told him it makes her feel degraded. That's pretty clear that it's not something she wants to continue.

I'm not sure where "you" are in all this, Desirae. It sounds like trying to change the behavior you both have set up now would leave him with "nothing"?

If I wanted a different way of having sex, I'd start setting it up that way. If I wanted no sex at all, I'd tell him that. I'd be clear about what I wanted rather than just what I didn't want which is all there seems to be now? I can understand you might feel disgusted and violated but I can also see how it might be hard for your husband to not "get it" since it's been going on so long and this is the first you've mentioned it? I would "give" him something else, sex another "way" that doesn't feel disgusting to you, that you enjoy or I'd tell him I didn't want sex at all, etc. But your feeling of disgust and violation doesn't necessarily mean the act is disgusting. Yes, sex without your consent can be wrong, a violation, but you need to make clear your desires and how any change will come about since you've agreed to it before. Switching the "rules" suddenly is not good either. There's nothing inherently "wrong" with you or your husband and/or either of your desires if that is what has been done between you in your marriage but it's up to you to change what you don't like or find unacceptable and know your husband might be confused/puzzled and/or unhappy at your change.

I agree with Perna, it's not necessarily a disgusting act it just feels that way when I'm completely knocked out and wake up nude not knowing where my clothes are sometimes. I will admit I did begin this habit after my babies where born. It was my way of letting him still have me, even if I was half asleep. I can honestly now sleep like a rock through the whole thing. I just think, if I was a guy, I would not like it that way....unresponsive and asleep. But he seems to enjoy it that way and that's what bothers me the most I think.

I do enjoy it when we can get around to doing it, but those days seem very few. I think if I actually sat and discussed with him how it made me feel he would listen. The day I told him it was violating and degrading was not in a serious enough manner. He'll listen, he has too really.

I don't feel it's as serious as marital rape because I did give him the permission in the beginning and never really complained of the manner till now. It really put me over the edge when things that I would never normally do was done in my sleep....I feel my "giving myself" to him was taken advantage of and just because I'm his woman doesn't give him the right to do so. Maybe he just needs to understand that aspect. I could never think of him as a sexual monster because he is so gentle with me and always has been.

It's just a confusing manner. Maybe if I partake in giving him more of what he needs this will solve the sleeping problem. The other day we were joking around and I said "well meet me in bed at 11"....and at 11 he actually reminded me of it taking what I said to heart. So maybe we can start setting times as though they're dates. I've considered that unexciting before, but you gotta do what you gotta do when you have children....I believe that now.

I feel responsible for starting it, and I will feel responsible for ending it, after it all it is my body.

you know i have read about women doing it...i remember myself "giving up" to my ex-boyfriend (when we were together of course) and let him do it to me when i was tired, or when i didn`t REALLY feel like...but i would still cooperate.

i suppose that once you made ths choice and now you just see that you don`t like it anymore and that`t it.
the broblem with us women is that we areTOO NICE. those little "scarifice" we are making..i don`t know if men ever do anyhting they don`t feel like doing. but really i think we have to remember being OURSELVS and doing ONLY what we really want to do. especially in sex..i have learned the HARD way.

I still think it is marital rape. You can't consent when you're asleep. I don't care how serious or not serious you were; you told him it was violating and degrading, so how could he not get that it isn't pleasurable for you, or acceptable?

Just because you gave him permission in the beginning doesn't mean you can't say, "STOP." It's your body, and you have the right to decide when and where it's touched, and when that touching stops.

Many rapists don't do so in a violent or aggressive manor. There are "gentle" rapists. There are guys who "take advantage" but otherwise claim to care for women, including women they're dating.

Frankly, and this is my opinion, I think there's something wrong with a guy who'd want to have sex with a woman while she's unconscious. And I don't really see why a guy would want to have sex with a woman who didn't want to have sex with him.

Also, I don't think you should have sex, unless you want sex. If you have no desire for sex, there's likely psychological or even physical reasons for it, and a psych or physician may be able to help you.

I don't think you're doing your children any favors by having sex when you don't want it, just to keep your husband happy. I think you would do them far better by seeking therapy together to resolve the issues so obvious in your marriage. Show your children that both partners deserve sexual pleasure and happiness. Do you have boys or girls, or both? Do you want your boys to think they're entitled to sex from their wives, even if their wives are asleep or not in the mood? Do you want your daughters to believe they should have sex when it's not pleasurable for them?

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I really think you lack self-esteem and see men as superior to women, even if you don't consciously think you do. Thinking your husband is entitled to sex when you don't want it, suggests you don't think your feelings matter. Was this how you saw your parents? Your father made decisions, and your mother "settled" or took her interests last? You seem to think women (at least you) are second, or probably last, to others.

A man should care about his partner, as she cares for him, and want her to enjoy their sexual relations. If she doesn't, he should encourage her to seek help, and be willing to participate in that help.

maven:
" but I really think you lack self-esteem "

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wemen NEED MORE self asteem!!! it was alwyas that way!
be nice forst TO YOUSELF. only then to others.

we have the illussion that if we maeks sacrifices we are good peopel and we are making everything great, but a society and a family consist of individuals, and every indovodual has to take care of himself.
then we just gove those oeple who take adventage of us the illussio that it`s o.k, when it isn`t.

it`s not doing better to anyone.

FEMALES are RELATIONSHIP ORIENTED, therefore, WE act and react for ITS benefit....
even if it is only in the long run that we see these benefits.

.... I personally have gone thru this type of thing my self and I wrote about it on here on PC - and as I stayed in the marriage and stood firm (for my rights) it all worked its way out and all is good again.

.... If one is to stay in the marriage and work thru this they must first realize that SEX (its chemical high) is addictive, therefore, it will take some time for one to come down from this high and stop partaking of the sex act they were indulging in as their DRUG of CHOICE - in this case "sleeping sex" (with permission).

I think my sexual appetite does hold alot of responsibility to this behavior of mine and the encouragement of his. I used to love sex...that's where those babies of mine stemmed from (2 straight in a row), but it's all came to a screeching halt. I know for a fact it's not physical, it's mental. Before I depended on my husband for every surviving element in my life. I used to pleasure him even if I wasn't all into (although he thought I was) to sort of repay him for his hard work (sounds like a prostitute I know). Now that I'm more independent and contributing to the care of our family I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore like I used too...it's all very strange. I do think he's hot, and still the hardest worker I've every known (which I find very sexy), but the *** hole aspect flushes that away real quick.

Eh, you're all right about what it is your saying...I agree with it. Well accept for the men are superior. I've always considered myself a strong woman and unbreakable when it comes to control. There is aspects I understand when it comes to the nature of both men and women that are not my place to state because they are my individualistic opinions that are irrelevant.

I have talked to my husband since this posting and he agreed that he would stop and apologized for snickering about it as though it were a joke. I just explained to him what it appeared to be to me, and he said I was way off. He said he preferred that I was awake and into it...so we both suffered more then I thought about this.

If it were possible I would have seduced him in his sleep, but unfortunately for us women if the man ain't awake neither is his little friend...so I couldn't. But I thought if I could make him see what it was like it would have helped. I just told him instead. Hopefully he'll fully respect that, so far nothing has happened so maybe he does.

I'm glad you two had a chance to talk...

I think setting up personal time for the two of you (while awake) will be essential to your marriage.

Otherwise one of you will be saying I might as well sleep in my own bed or in my own room. If you feel this last discussion was indeed sincere. It's time to bring some time for the two of you to "date" and have "romantic evenings".

I watched the gap grow - I'm now divorced. One of the main things I can point to for that gap growing - not dating my wife...