My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Hi everyone, I'm a newby. About a month ago my wife said she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. She says she loves me more than anything, and says she could stay in our relationship forever if it didn't include sex. We have been married 12 years together 16. Our sex life has always been pretty active, although she has always had problem with sex drive or desire. I think she might have been just doing it the last 16 years to keep me happy. So now the roles are reversed , we haven't had sex in the last month. I'm not pushing anything because I want her to be happy.
We are getting counseling and it is helping. How can I help my wife get through this? I'm having problems holding it together, because it hurts thinking I'm not the "complete" package for her.
Any advise appreciated.
P

Hi Paul . Welcome to PC. Is your wife on any medication? Does she have any kind of hormone problems? That would explain alot. Sometimes when women have homonal imbalances, they don't get the proper lubrication and sex can be very painful. I would have her go to a doctor and get her hormone balence checked. The best thing you can do for her is be there for her. I know it's hard on you but you may not be the reason for this at all. Keep your head up. She'll come around.

Been to the Dr. no hormone problems. She does take antidepressant medication for head aches. I guess what is puzzling to me is eliminating that hour a week of intimate time makes her happy. Leads me to think it is emotional????

I just wanted to remind you that chances are it has nothing to do with you. Do you know if she's sexually attracted to ayone else? When I first got married I was not sexually attracted to my spouse. It was really hard cause I felt like I was punishing him for my issues. Reasons I wasn't attracted: A. I was raised with nudity as an art form and natural and not to be seen as sexual. So basically my mind was programed to not view things as sexual. And B. I was a virgin and sex HURT! It's kind of hard to get over that. Now I do see him as sexually attractive, but probably not as much as most. And although it doesn't hurt I still have a very low sex drive (which my doctor warned may be caused by my meds which I don't plan on quitting). I also struggle with my brain completely shutting down and shouting 'no' whenever my spouse is the one to make the first advances. Once again, probably due to how I was raised. Overall, I know this probably hasn't helped much, but I want you to know there can be a lot of factors. I think the best thing you can do is be patient and be in counceling. Time will help her, but only when she's willing to work at her issues (and even though it may not seem like she is at times, trust me, she is). As woman we are trained that it is our "job" to take care of our husbands needs (including sexual) and most women experience incredible guilt when they feel unable to meet these needs, which obviously just enhances the problem.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help. All I can share are my experiences.

Good Luck

I agree that it probably isn't you. My boyfriend turns me on because he's sweet, kind, funny and smart. I know that when i was on antidepressants I lost pretty much all my sex drive. And now that finals are nearing and I'm preparing for grad school - which includes a summer internship, a fellowship for next school year, a research project and taking the GRE in less than 2 months - yeah my sex drive has been beaten to death pretty much.

If she openly told you what's going on i think it means that she wants to figure it out too. I think if she didn't care about you or the relationship she would either leave or just hold out and never say a word about it. So the fact that she openly talks to you about it is good.

Is there a lot of added stress lately? My mind just constantly races during this time of year so I can't even pay attention to sex for more than 5 minutes. I would have to say that she most likely isn't sexually attracted to anyone or anything right now - not just you. Talk to her about it and tell her you want to help - but make sure she knows you're doing it FOR HER. If you go to her and make it sound like you want to help but only so you can get some again that will just make the situation worse. good luck with everything!

Agreed that it's probably not you. Many women have low sex drives when they get older, there are medication that will help if she is willing. She should get a full check up to make sure that all her hormones are within normal limits. Depression is another thing, when my depression was at my worst I had no interest in being touched. Considering this is fairly new in the not at all department, I really think you need to push her to see her Dr and you are doing right, as of now, not pushing her for sex. If she refuses or the testing is normal YOU must decide if you are willing to stay in a sexless relationship. While I know that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship it is still a big part of it for intimacy if for no other reason. ~gentle hugs~

Is it the physically attraction that is gone or is it the mental / emotional attraction that is really gone?

Well I've only been married for 8 years and my husband and I are having sexual problems too but you have to remember, and I say this in the most uspportive way possible, eventually the sex always comes to an end. As long as you two are happy together and love each other that's all that really matters. You have to remember that when you're 80 and sitting in your rocking chair it's not very likely that you're going to be running off to the bedroom to have sex. Instead wouldn't it be better if you can sit there and hold hands and enjoy each others company so much that it will fill your heart with more joy then sex ever could.
I hope i've been helpfull. There's more to life and marriage then sex.
I'm not having sex with my husband and we're just as close now as we were when we first got together.
It will all work out for the best. Just hang in there.

She says just the physicall attraction. She also says she would pefectly content spending the rest of our lives together, as long as it is not physical

I think your situation is the most like ours. What you said about your husband is almost word for word of what she says about me. She also takes webutrin(sp). I'm bet that doesn't help the sex either. Through takingwith her I'am sure she has never felt comfortable being intimate with anyone she has ever been with. Not only sex but touching, cuddling....

It could be the welbutrin. I know it's supposed to be low as far as sexual side affects go, but a friend of mine got really low sex drive from it. It all depends on the person. And like bearchic said, depression could be a reason to.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. When we met we were both very sexual. We both had reputations for being very sexually active but we found each other and committed ourselves to one another. Over the past couple of years my wife has been becoming less and less physical with me. I can't remember when the last time she wanted to kiss me or be intimate in any was. It's been a huge blow to my self esteem and even though it's made me feel so worthless I've went along with it and acted like everything is fine. She knows exactly how I feel and we've talked about it a few times. Her response is always that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate with me and she really dislikes it so much that she can't force herself to. She says she loves me more than anything but isn't turned on at all by me. I'm only 33 and she's 30 so I feel like we're way too young to be living like this. Also, I know that if we split up that she would gladly have sex with new people that she went out with, it's just the way she is and was raised. I'm just so frustrated because I love her more than anything and could never live without her, but cant ignore the natural feelings that are torturing me all day everyday. I feel like she doesn't care about hurting me at all. I could never tell her that I don't find her attractive, because I really do love her that much. It even seems to me like she got so use to going out and meeting new guys for so many years that now she thinks you have to have that, turned on by something new, feeling or lust to have sex. As awful as it sounds, I would rather not live in a relationship with someone who doesn't care enough about me that they could force their self to at least kiss me and make me feel wanted. Before this I was so confident and productive but since she told me that she doesn't find me attractive at all I've lost my self confidence, I can't get anything done, it seems like people don't like me anymore, and my whole life just seems worthless.

While she is clearly in the wrong (see my response on your own thread), you are also somewhat wrong in that you make your...

- confidence
- productivity
- self-esteem
- feeling that your life is worth living

... completely dependent on what one woman, an isolated case, finds attractive.

It is understandable, for sure - you would want your wife to be attracted to you - but still, all of those important things listed above should not be dependent on a whim of one person.

There are many ways to proceed, in practical terms, but first, before taking any practical steps, you should adjust the switches in your brain that make your productivity depend on what it now depends on. It is a purely mental, cognitive exercise and you are fully able to do it all on your own because you would be working with your mind and your mind alone. However, if you find yourself unable to adjust the switches in your brain by yourself, you may want to engage a professional therapist to get help.

I suggest that you go through that mental exercise first, before taking any practical steps that would engage anybody other than you.

I have a similar issue with my wife....we both met young, and normally get along fairly well.... basically she's said that she's just not that interested in being physical. It's maybe not as bad as the main post here, we are on opposite ends of the spectrum for physical needs and it's extremely frustrating. I take very good care of myself, workout, stay fit, etc... I feel like I'm always chasing and it doesn't really matter what I do... I'm not asking to be super physical, just would like to get together a few times a week and basically feel like she will welcome my advances.

I've tried everything to motivate her, I'm normally a super positive person, but it's really depressing to be married to someone when you feel like you're way more interested in them than they are in you. So flowers, doing all the laundry, housework, date nights, none of it really matters because at the core of it all, she's not that interested in it apparently, whether it's me or anyone else.

Basically if she wants to be physical with me, she knows she can whenever she wants.... but I don't have the same level of comfort in return. Then on top of it, because she's not that interested in it, the sex is boring. If I try to mix it up and make it more fun, she gets uptight about it.

Anyway not to ramble... but I totally can understand where you are coming from. I know that women are attracted to me, but I feel like my own wife isn't because she just doesn't put the effort forth. I don't want a divorce because she's my best friend and we have a family, a history etc. together.... I just want her to let go and enjoy our alone time on equal terms with me...

I think to some extent it's about control.... but I really can't put my finger on it why she is this way.

This is definitely a difficult situation because neither of you are in the wrong. I would suggest talking to her some about when her feelings changed or if anything triggered the change. Do you think it is possible that something happened to her or that she is seeing someone else (this is unlikely but sometimes it's possible)?
Since it's only been a month that things have been different it could be situational like maybe this past month has been stressful for her or the both of you. At this point definitely some conversations would be a good place to begin.

I'm in shock. I'm exactly where you are. I could have written your post. Even the control part...and I've tried just about everything. I've never cheated but Ive been very close three times, im close now again. I don't know what to do and I'm so conflicted...

I wish I had words of wisdom for you guys. There was a time I was no longer attracted to my husband. I had to force myself to have sex with him mostly because it put him in a better mood. I never ever would tell that to him in his face. I know I was not interested in sex.

What changed? Good question...I got older, the kids are teenagers, with medication changes I lost a tons of weight and feel better about myself....I guess a little of everything.

All in all with the weight loss I have a better self image. He was and is really good about not telling me I look good or pretty. He never has been one to compliment me. I hear from other people and my kids that I am really pretty. So her self image is important.

Do you guys have common interests? Do you enjoy camping (or like I call it motor-homing), rock climbing, going to theater and seeing plays (hole in the wall theaters are awesome and cheaper) dancing, comedy clubs, bowling...... can you get involved in a activity together, a common interest. Go hiking, something about that fresh air can totally trigger some hormones. What did you guys do when you were dating. Plan a date but dont tell her where your going, just tell her how to dress. Hubby did this to me a week before our date. I was so excited. I started counting down the days! He took me to see Zoobas which is an African performing group that does gymnastic and dance. Awesome night.

Anyway I hope I helped. Hugs guys, Im sorry you are going through this.

My wife and I have a similar situation. She is suffering from low libido, while mine is pretty much as high as ever.

Age no doubt has a lot to do with this. She will soon turn 69, and I am 71. We've never been like a couple of rabbits, but weekly dates have been our routine up until several months ago. Now we may go as much as two weeks between dates, a bit too long for me, just about right for her. She encourages me to masturbate if necessary, and says she will "help" me if I wish, but "sex" for her involves a lot of kissing and touching, which she's not interested in when her libido is low. For most of my life, masturbation has been a problem for me, not because I can't do it, but I have always felt so "dirty" afterwards. Despite some positive changes in my feelings about myself and sex, I do sometimes get pretty horny but unable to help myself.

The good news is that when we do have a date, it's pretty hot, to use a term that I guess my generation doesn't often use. My orgasms in recent years have been better than ever, perhaps in part because I'm now wearing sexy panties when we have a date, something I always wanted to do but was afraid to mention. I finally did mention it, and my wife was fine with it. Even went shopping for panties with me!

I'm rambling, obviously. I guess my best advice is to be patient, help yourself as best you can, and communicate! It may be that both of you are holding back some feelings and information that might be crucial. It's possible to spend a whole lifetime not communicating, but it certainly doesn't lead to a happy sexual relationship.

Other

I have searched many forums about this, tried to take my mind off things like this but it always comes back to it. My wife has no desire to please me. She is a mother, I am a father and that's it. I have wined and dined her, thrown money at her on expensive gifts, I complement her every day, she just isn't bothered. In fact years ago it got that bad that I tried everything also and then had an affair. That got messy and I felt horrible. We broke up and I left her. Then all of a sudden she wanted me again and had sex frequently with me in order to get me back. So since then I ended my affair and tried yet again to make my marriage work. 3 years later it is as stale as it ever gets. I can wait up to 3 months before I explode and complain. Then when it happens I feel like I've forced her or she's only doing it to shut me up. This has gone on for years and it makes me feel worthless and hideous.