My inner critic never shuts up

I'm really at a loss for words right now. I've been in therapy for a year and a half, with a six-ish month stint three years ago also, and I think I am just at the wall. My therapist is a good one, but I'm not making any progress, and I think that is on me.

I went to therapy because I am very anxious. I have a hard time tolerating discomfort, which leads me to avoiding things that make me uncomfortable or panicking when I can't. But I also don't like myself, at all. My therapist says I am extremely self-critical and that I give all the weight to my inner critic and I pay no mind to anything positive that anyone says about me, nor do I allow myself to recognize anything positive in me. She says that I have to change the way I think about myself.

She tried to get me to make a list of things I like about myself or things I am proud of that I have done. I was honest with her: there isn't anything I would put on that list. She gave me an example, pointing out that my education was something I could be proud of, but it really isn't. It wasn't difficult for me. It isn't a big deal. It is just something I thought I had to do, so I did it. After I said this, this is when she pointed out that all I do is feed my inner critic.

But how do I do anything else? If I recognize that is a critical thought... then what? Knowing I am hard on myself doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that I believe all these thoughts. I can tell myself the opposite... I can say, "Hey now, you're being hard on yourself. You wouldn't say a thing like that to someone else, so why are you saying it to you? You can be proud of the work you did for your education!" But that... does nothing. I don't believe those words. I never have. Anything I have ever done is less than what I should have done. Anything I am is nowhere near as good as it could be. Any attempt I have ever made at change has always ended in a failure. I am lucky to have the things I have in my life right now, my job, my friends, my family, because I don't deserve them. Trying for anything more would only make the fact that I don't even deserve what I have more apparent.

I realize this is a pretty toxic way to live. I wouldn't do it if I felt like I had any other options. But how do you learn to challenge your inner critic when it is the only feedback you have, and when you have totally believed and trusted that voice for years? Has anyone been able to do this?

Thank you for reading this... it feels good to get it out.

Maybe it would help if kept a gratitude journal. Just a short daily practice of writing down a few things that you are grateful for. It could be as simple as a flower that you see or something simple that you accomplish during the day. It helps show us there is more to life and makes us appreciate the small things.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Hi, I get what you are saying. Have you read anything about self-compassion? There is a thread here which I found very helpful, there are some good links on it too:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/steps...ompassion.html

It's quite different to building self-esteem, worth looking at IMO.

Hey bittersweetsugar,

Much of what you wrote could have come from me. My inner critic used to drive me crazy! Still does at times..

I feel like the point of turning your negative thoughts into positive ones is to make you feel good - nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't what I needed. I needed someone to hear me out when I told them my story - that I actually feel worthless because (in my case) of how my parents treated me when I was growing up.

So, I found myself a therapist who did just that - she listened. She listened to me complain about my cr*ppy parents. She didn't tell me to just think positively, or that I needed to 'get over it'. In fact, she'd tell me 'now's the time to be miserable' and then support me while I was being just that.

To me, 'positive thinking' as a coping mechanism feels like a bandage - a coping mechanism, precisely. I want to heal and get better, not have to put my energy every day into 'coping'. I don't want to be fighting with my mind as though it's behaving badly - I have my thoughts because of what I learned about myself early on in life, and because I didn't have anyone back then who could have told me it wasn't true what I'd learned.

I saw my therapist regularly for three years. Last year, I lost my job and couldn't afford to go anymore, however, my therapist has still agreed to help me via emails and texts, and even see me if I need it.

Lately, I've noticed my inner critic has grown a lot more silent. I feel this has happened 'organically' as I've learned those messages were false to begin with (my critic actually spoke/speaks with my mother's voice). I needed people to prove that to me - I needed someone to listen to me when I'm angry, sad, whatever it was that my parents originally couldn't approve of. That's how I learned those feelings weren't the problem - the problem was my parents didn't know how to accept those feelings, and because of their issues, couldn't/didn't want to learn.

There's still a long way to go, but this is how I want to do it. I want to find people who'll teach me I'm full-on acceptable!

Know that it's OK to feel worthless. I can tell you you're not, in fact but it's obviously the result of something that's happened in your life. Can you recognise what might have caused you to feel this way?

Also, even though you feel like you're not making progress in therapy, know that you are, somewhere deep down.. My therapist has said this to me so many times when I've been frustrated and felt like giving up! Once you've started the process, there's always something happening underneath the surface, no matter how small.. And someday, you'll reap the benefits

Also, know that you DO deserve the good things you have in your life! You're lucky to have them, but you also deserve them, even though you feel you don't.. And of course you feel you don't because you believe you're worthless - which you ain't and you'll learn to believe that as long as you keep letting people in and letting them tell you how wonderful you really are!

I can empathise with you bittersweetsugar, I often feel a total sense of self hatred for being "useless" "worthless" "good-for-nothing" and often think there is not one single good thing about me. Somehow, when I get on stage (I´m a performer) it all goes away but when I come of stage and people from the audience compliment me my inner voice laughs at them for being so stupid in thinking I´m pretty (go thank my parents, they made me look the way I do not me), If they think I´m a good singer for example my inner voice thinks they must be deaf or if they compliment my dancing I just write them off as not knowing what they are talking about. It doesn´t matter what they say, they are just crazy people or liars or both.

I´m forcing myself know to "respect their opinion". It doens´t mean I have to agree, I just have to accept that that is their way of viewing the world and just like we all like different music and songs they have different tastes than me ie they think I´m great, I think I´m crap.

By actually hearing the compliment but not ruminating on it my inner voice cannot make me want to lie in the corner and cry softly to myself for hours at a time and it seems to be helping. I heard an inner voice pay me a compliment out of the blue a few days back. Bizarre and a first but an amazing experience.

I don´t even know if that made sense but wanted to share and let you know you aren´t alone x

This is a really good idea. I think I am definitely going to do this because it is probably easier to see yourself and the world in a better light if you make an effort to note the good things.

Instead of just accepting the critical thoughts, I look at them individually and critically. Notice how "primitive" and juvenile they are, "You're dumb!" or, "That's stupid", and how they are wholly without examples or explanation? "You" are smarter than they are! Either make yourself laugh by talking back to them on their level: "No, you're dumb!"; or ask them questions, "Exactly what is "stupid"? How is it stupid?"; or deliberately misunderstand them and act puzzled: "I don't think I can be stupid, I graduated high school and my grades were okay; wouldn't the whole school system and all my teachers have to be stupid to pass me?"

But get individual with the accusations, put-downs, and fears and learn to laugh and shrug at them and to take them on one-at-a-time instead of as a galactic group. I was afraid to ride buses and felt that was ridiculous but, really, I didn't have to ride buses so why was I spending so much time/energy feeling bad about myself about that little thing? How does what they are accusing you of fit into your life? I use to get depressed and anxious in the night laying in bed worrying, that I was going to end up 85 and alone and living in filth and clutter just because I'd noticed the door lintel had a thick rime of dust on it. So, I resolved that next morning when I got up I'd dust the door lintel (and did)! Problem solved and I felt good for having done something.

Act on your fears instead of just fearing them. Part of fear is the fear of being afraid, worrying about worrying :-) When you do something, anything, that makes the fear fall back some. Sure you'll have to do the dishes again but when you do them now, all the worry and upset and energy that went into not doing them for the last month goes away for a bit! Decide to do "something" about some concrete fear or another for 15 minutes a day and turn on a timer. Instant feel better in only 15 minutes. Usually the act of working on something wakes up imagination and brain cells so we get more interested or curious or follow-on to what we're doing? Things become possible when we get to doing instead of just thinking/worrying. Get out of your head, if only to list stuff on paper.

Yes, I've done this. It takes hard work. Your positive voice is starving to death, you have to feed it!

You can't do one rep of a new exercise and expect to win a bodybuilding contest- if you want to strengthen yourself, you must do many many repetitions.

So pick one positive thing, maybe with your therapists help, and post it with post its on the wall or in your pocket or wallet, etc. or all of the above, and say it to yourself 100x a day for a while.

It must be done like any other workout- 5 pushups just doesn't cut it- your inner critic has gotten all the attention, so you only need to give your overshadowed true/balanced/positive self equal time and an opportunity to catch up!

As you do this, you'll find more concrete material to work with in therapy and feel the healing and growth. Don't give up!

Sometimes I can't see any good in myself or have anything nice to say to myself so I remember things others have said to me and repeat those. I don't necesarily believe them but at least repeating something positive counteracts the negative a bit xx

Have you ever heard about Compassion Focused Therapy? It's relatively new and was developed by Paul Gilbert PhD in the UK. It's all about learning to be ok, with who you are, right now. I've been going to a CFT group for over 3 years now, and it's really helped me deal with my inner critic. I'm not sure if you'd be able to find a CFT therapist in your area, but there are several books on the topic, available through Gilbert's Compassionate Mind Institute in the UK.

splitimage

I think several people said in some way shape or form that you wrote exactly how they feel. I feel the same way. In fact, last night I was in such a state I couldn't see one positive thing. My husband found one for me and it was helpful. It calmed me down. I do the gratitude thing. There aren't always immediate results (like I often wish), but I assume that little-by-little they are helping.

I have to agree with this. Thanks Leah!
I found it/still find it hard to believe that simple positive thinking (or in my case, just letting go of the iterative negative thinking) could have a deep impact. It does, after you practice it for some time.

A technique that helped me learn about letting thoughts go: when you're driving, see how you see the road. You see a sign come up, and you read it, and it passes, and you drop it from your mind and go on. You can do that with negative thoughts too -- and it was paying attention to my mindset while I was driving that helped me get used to the practice.

After many years of writing about it, I determined my "inner critic" had practically its own penthouse inside my mind, all set up for every kind of comfort and defense needed for kicking it out. For me the first step to dethroning that creature was accepting that it was me, not separate from me. And if it was me, if those thoughts really came from me, then *I* could change it. I hope that's helpful to you, but if not, I hope you find something else that works.

If I can be perfectly honest, I felt like I was reading something I wrote when I read your post, bittersweetsugar. I completely understand where you are coming from AND I have some suggestions for you!

I am now working on my own self-esteem because like you, I really listen to my inner critic. One thing that has helped me is my automatic thoughts worksheet. I pick an event that is so upsetting that I feel my reality is off-base (meaning my thoughts are picking on me), and write it down. Then I write down how it made me feel, plus how much on a scale of 1 - 10.

Now the part that helps me the most is writing down those automatic thoughts like "I don't like myself," or "All I do is make mistakes" THEN writing down a more "logical" response to those thoughts like "Well I love that I am open minded" and "Mistakes are not failures, they are lessons." I got this from the Self-Esteem workbook on Amazon.... Maybe you should check it out? I really like it

No matter what your inner critic says, remember you are amazing I hope you see that

My friend once told me to be kind to my inner critic. It doesn't always work. I do listen to my inner critic, but being kind to my inner critic helps me realize that my inner critic is usually too hard on me.