[ThePainNeverDies]

I went to college for the second time this week, today, thinking everything would be ok..

But.. When it came to bands being picked.. It all went wrong..

Luke (lecturer) always separates guitarists, drummers, singers, bassists etc. into groups and then picks four people to choose people to be in a band with.. So this happened.. There are 3 singers altogether.. The other two got picked, so I was just left there standing looking like an idiot. I knew I'd have to go to the 3rd band, but didn't move until they said something.. normally, they'd say "come on then, you're in our band" in a cheery sort of way.. But this time, no-one said a single word to me.. Luke told them I was in there band and they still said nothing.. So.. I kindof feel really pushed away and left out, like no-one needs/wants me in the music group anymore..

I felt like a rubbish singer, like everybody is putting me into a false sense of security when they tell me I'm an amazing singer, like they're lying to me to make me feel "better".. I don't know.. I think I'm a good singer because I have got through auditions and stuff and into the top college course, but nevertheless.. I feel like people in the group are pushing me out and I don't quite understand why..

I hate this.. Everything's going so, so f*cking wrong recently and I don't get why!! I feel like it's akk i deserve, I feel like I deserve to die and like everyone should hate me because I hate myself and don't give a s**t about myself, I always put others first, but then they disagree and say I should care about myself and I don't deserve all of this s**t..

This is so f*cked up!! Why the ***** is there always something having to go f*cking wrong???!!! I feel like I fail everyone, like I'm just not good enough for anyone, like no-one wants me here anymore.. I feel like I want to die, like it's the only option now..

I had plans to die last night, btu that failed because people were texting me.. I have plans to tonight, and the urges are getting stronger and stronger and stronger.. I don't know what to do..

I just want to break down and cry and scream and shout and smash stuff.. Which I never ever do..

What do I do?

IU'm panicking every night and every time I go into college now.. i break into coughing fits because I can't breathe properly.. I almost cry and shout at people.. It's so f*cked up, I'm so f*cked up..

[DontSayIt]

I hope you don't hurt yourself. You're good enough or you wouldn't be there at all. There are always more reasons people have for their choices than they let on, however I would bet a ton of money that I don't have that no one there wants you to die or hurt yourself. Do you feel like there is anyone in the group you can talk to one-on-one?

I wish you the best!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I already have hurt myself to be perfectly honest.. Too many times.. I feel so fed up.. Of everything now.. Nothing's going right..

No, there isn't anymore.. No-one at all, not even my tutor.. Which is even worse because she says she wants to support me and all taht, but where the hell is the support?! All she's doing is trying at every possible moment that she can, to get my kicked out..

Thankyou for replying..

[EJ711]

Dear Pain Never Dies,

I teach at a community college, and I'm surprised that there is quite a bit of clickiness. I have overheard some mean remarks among the boys in particular.

Is there another music course you could take this semester instead of the one you are in?

Or you could just hold your own, and see how things go?

EJ

[ThePainNeverDies]

No, there isn't another music course I could take, without having the same lecturer.. It really sucks..

I am going to try and hold it out for the rest of the year, but it's making sick, literally.. I've been really ill the past couple of weeks, even worse than I have been since all of my crappy stuff happened when I was 10..

I'm going to try and carry on with it, but.. Thinking sometime soon I'll end up in hospital, which is a scary thought..

[cantstopcrying]

But you're making progress!! You are seeing something you want and are trying to hold on for it. Good for you! You are a singer, and an awesome one I bet; do you write your own songs? Sometimes that helps. Young people are cruel and odd--if they don't know someone or perceive someone to be different, sometimes they stay away. Sometimes it's just because they are cruel, sometimes it's because they are self-absorbed, sometimes it's fear of the unknown. Stay strong and continue to keep us updated and let us be your strength!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I do write my own songs, yes, but the depression and ED and everything else has clouded over me and caused me not to be able to write, so that's just caused me to get even more depressed because it's what I want to do as a career.. If I can't do it now because of depression, how will I do it then?

Maybe.. I don't know.. Everyone's just like "well she has her issues, so we're going to stay away from her, from that ball of problem.." I hate that.. It kills me.. It's ruining my college life and my life at home, my life in general.. I'm losing everything and everyone.. All because of my ****ed up head..

[cantstopcrying]

If you can hold on until you are out of college. It has to seem impossible, I'm sure. But these people that are pushing you away, what is their importance, really. I know it's important to feel a part of things, to feel wanted and included, but it's important to believe in yourself, trust yourself and love youself. You have such talent, don't give up!!

[Fuzzybear]

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm trying so hard not to give up.. But what use is it when it's always to no prevail?

Their importance to me is that they are members of my music group and I have to work with them everyday, in groups to put songs together for gigs and my Final Major Project later next year

I can't talk to anyone anymore without feeling like their going to tell someone.. The only privacy I get is here at PC.. I can't talk to anyone at all.. I have just changed key support workers at home and I got the worker i was praying I wouldn't get.. So.. i can't even talk to her now either.. So where the hell can I turn?

[cantstopcrying]

If you don't feel there is anyone to turn to, turn to yourself. Stay strong in your belief of yourself. You can't let other people's behaviour influence your future. This is your lifelong dream you'e talking about. It's sooo hard, hon, but when you're around them, just hold tight to the belief that you are good, you are important, your future and dreams are important and you'll do whatever it takes to hold on to it. Do you have other classes where you feel more comfortable?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I am doing BTEC course, so I am constantly with the same people.. The only class I feel comfortable in is choir, or when I'm teaching people to sing at home.. Or singing alone.. Or.. In my singing lessons learning more techniques..

My tutor has been picking on me all day already and it's just like "Arghhhhh!! Get off my back!!" I wish I could say that but then I'd get disciplinaries and be even more likely to be kicked off my course..

I'm determined this year to put my all into my singing.. Whether I make mistakes or not, I can learn from it.. I will put all the effort I can into my singing and performances.. It's gonna be tough, but i guess I can struggle along with another thing..

I almost cut in college today, in fact I'm sat in the library now.. I wanted to cut because I went to get some food and as soon as m back was truned the "friend" that I was with had disappeared! So I had to sit on my own, looking around me the whole time to make sure no-one was watching me eat, because I hate eating in college.. And I just felt so alone..

I wish that people could just treat me as a normal person.. I cut for a reason, not for attention.. I cover up as much as I possibly can.. I should really talk to my boyfriend, Connor.. Maybe he'll be able to calm me down a bit.. I don't know, I'll see..

Thanks for your support..

[dan0woods]

ThePainNeverDies, do not give up! I know that sounds so cliche but its also very true! You have not given up to this point, why now? You must be a very very tough individual to fight as much as you have. You can get through this. I am very happy to hear you are going to fight through this year, that's great! Once you are out of college, you won't have to deal with these same kids. Hang in there, YOU CAN DO IT!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know I've already fought through so much and that's the problem.. I can't fight anymore stuff.. I'm getting weaker in a way, but I'll come out stronger, I know that.. But. I just can't take much more.

I have to go to the police station today to make a statement about a guy who bloody raped me.. For the second time this year.. I have been raped.. How crap is that? How utterly s**t is that?!

I'm supposed to be in college now, but I just can't face it.. I'm staying home until I need to go to the station and then coming back and staying here until I need to go and meet my friend.. I'm petrified.. I don't want to go.. I'm so scared that this guy will get away with it.. Just like the person that did it last time, did.. Even though we had really hard evidence against him.. Yet this time we don't have such hard evidence apart from quite a few people who know what he's like and will make statements and someone who was on the phone to me just before it happened.. And just after and I was in an awful state.. I hate this, I really do.. I just don't know what to do..

[Junerain]

You are strong that you can go to the police, and prevent the rapist from doing it again, when I was raped, the police wouldn't let me talk to a rape crisis counselor, so I didn't deal or report to the police after they took away my right for immediate counseling..do you have a rape crisis center where you live? Are you getting therapy?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I spoke to my psych, but she just said something along the lines of "that must be tough" and left it at that.. I'll never talk to her about it again now..

I don't think there is a rape crisis centre, or I've not been told of one.. I had last time, victim support phone up ONCE.. They never phoned again.. So much for support.. This time it's affecting me worse than ever.. It really is.. My heart feels dead.. I'm glad I told my boyfriend, but we're both having doubts as to whether to tell the police or not because I don't want to be snapped up into tiny pieces if he gets away with it, like the other guy did last time.. It'll completely kill me.. I don't think I can plummet any further into depression, but it could happen.. I couldn't deal with that.. No way..

thankyou for all your kind words.. It's helping.. A little.. But.. It means.. Something..

xx

[EJ711]

Is there any chance the dynamics of the groups would be any different in the other class, even though the teacher is the same?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Well.. Yes, it would be different.. But I just couldn't face having that same teacher again.. It'd suck like anything.. She'd push me out of the group completely and I may as well finish this year as it's only another.. 8 months or so.. I couldn't put myself through college again..

It just completely sucks..

I had an okay day today, I feel like utter crap though and just.. Everyone else is having a s**t day of it too! So now, so many people need me and it's so tough.. But.. I just need to be there for them, it's what I do.. I need to be there for my friends.. They're more important than me at the moment..