[mixedup_emotions]

I was SA as a young child. I should've told, but it was my fault because I never should've gotten on that boy's bike to take me home. I should've yelled for help as it was happening, but I had no voice.

I was beaten by my parents and I WANTED it. I felt as though I deserved it for being such an unruly teenager. They couldn't control themselves. I made them do it. I apologized to them when I became an adult for making things so difficult for them. For being such a stubborn teenager.

I was SA as a teenager more than once, and I let it happen. I didn't retaliate, and I didn't escape. I didn't report it. I failed.

I was SA by my husband and a neighbor a few months ago. I could've made a different choice. Things could've been different. But I was afraid.

I used to cut....I forgot about that for the last 15 years. Cutting felt good.

And now I have the urge to cut again....all of a sudden....out of the blue. I am fighting that urge...and I am afraid to tell my T about the urge, because I don't want him to think I'm an unfit parent.

My mom and sister made a surprise visit to me today. They know I've been in a funk and that they felt it would be good for me to have their company. They had good intentions, but I just wanted to scream. I wanted them OUT...and ended up taking an Ativan just to get through the visit.

All of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, just in the last week. I need to find some way to get all of this out of my mind. I need to suppress it until my next session with my T, because it's all too overwhelming.

I am a smart, funny, fun, loving, caring person who is a good mother and provider....I don't know why I can't feel that right now.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I was SA as a young child. I should've told, but it was my fault because I never should've gotten on that boy's bike to take me home. I should've yelled for help as it was happening, but I had no voice.

And I shouldn't have thought that a stranger would be nice to me and give me a ride. And I shouldn't have been downstairs alone with my stepdad watching movies while the rest of my family was asleep. We all have "shoulds". I know it's hard, but stop torturing yourself. We have all of these "alternate scenarios" in our head about how things COULD have gone, SHOULD have gone, MIGHT have gone ... but unfortunately, we can't change the past.



Okay. So you made a mistake. You trusted a boy. I've done that too. But it was HIS fault for his actions. Most good boys would have just taken you home, and been a "good samaritan". How were you "asking for it" here? Really? Unless he had a huge sign saying "Creepy bad kid who assaults girls" ... it isn't your fault. You didn't yell for help because you were in shock. I didn't push the guy away because it was a shock. Your brain freezes. It's part of trying to psychologically protect you, but it doesn't help in the moment. You didn't yell for help because you were AFRAID. It was SCARY. You were HURT. You were probably TERRIFIED. You were scared of what he might do if you did yell. You were scared of what else could possibly happen, how it might have turned out worse if you didn't keep your mouth shut. So you kept quiet. That's okay. Really. It's understable. I understand. I bet lots of people here do.

I was beaten by my parents and I WANTED it. I felt as though I deserved it for being such an unruly teenager. They couldn't control themselves. I made them do it. I apologized to them when I became an adult for making things so difficult for them. For being such a stubborn teenager.

How did you WANT to be beaten? How did you DESERVE to be beaten? No kid deserves to be beaten - no matter how much of a pain in the butt they are, no matter how much trouble they cause. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not hurt them more! They COULD control themselves, they chose not too. They could have kicked you out, grounded you, taken a walk ... screamed at you ... anything else. Yes, the "heat of the moment" means they might not be entirely capable of stopping once they've started -but if they knew they'd hurt you and they didn't stop themselves - it's THEIR fault. Not yours.

Part of being assaulted/abused at a younger age means we're more likely to accept the blame for every other bad thing that ever happens to us. Our past experiences shape how we react to other things. That's part of the psychology of it... kinda sucks!

I was SA as a teenager more than once, and I let it happen. I didn't retaliate, and I didn't escape. I didn't report it. I failed.

How did you "let it happen"? Did you walk up to the person and tell them to assault you? Did they say "I'm going to assault you now, if you don't want it you'd better leave"? If neither of those situations actually happpened... then it's not your fault. You didn't have the control in the situation. The abuser did. Retaliation would just mean more pain and hurt though, right? Survival is a smarter idea. Escaping might have worked, but it might not have. You thought you deserved it then, so you didn't do as much to stop it from happening - that is NOT NOT NOT your fault. That's a product of your past experiences - like I said, if a situation happens more than once ... we're more likely to think we deserve it. To take the blame.

You didn't fail. You survived. You're alive, hurting yes, but alive.

I was SA by my husband and a neighbor a few months ago. I could've made a different choice. Things could've been different. But I was afraid.

It being your husband gives him NO RIGHT to hurt you or take advantage of you in any way. And the same thing with your neighbour, they had NO RIGHT to SA you. NONE. Things could have been different... but they might not have been. You didn't need to make "a different choice". THEY did. THEY chose to assault you. Being afraid is perfectly natural and okay.

I used to cut....I forgot about that for the last 15 years. Cutting felt good.

And now I have the urge to cut again....all of a sudden....out of the blue. I am fighting that urge...and I am afraid to tell my T about the urge, because I don't want him to think I'm an unfit parent.

You aren't an unfit parent. If your T knows anything about cutting or SI, then they'll know you're trying to cope. Then they'll help you find better ways beyond cutting. Keep fighting the urges. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

My mom and sister made a surprise visit to me today. They know I've been in a funk and that they felt it would be good for me to have their company. They had good intentions, but I just wanted to scream. I wanted them OUT...and ended up taking an Ativan just to get through the visit.

People dropping in unexpected always irritates me too. Even with good intentions. Perhaps asking them nicely to call ahead next time, in case you may have been out/busy?? (Phrase it like that, or something like that)

All of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, just in the last week. I need to find some way to get all of this out of my mind. I need to suppress it until my next session with my T, because it's all too overwhelming.

I am a smart, funny, fun, loving, caring person who is a good mother and provider....I don't know why I can't feel that right now.

When's your next session? If it isn't within a week, I'd say you ought to call your T and ask for an earlier appointment. Just say you've been struggling, and you really need the extra support. You DO deserve help.

You don't feel that way right now because you're going through a tough time. But I'm glad you know that's what you are. Good positive affirmations... keep holding onto that, because you know it's true. Even if you're having a hard time - you're still YOU.

((( mixedup-emotions )))

I am truly sorry that you're feeling this way. It's a horrible place to be in but I do understand why you're there. We'll stand by you. It's okay to feel this way, just don't stay there too long.

I don't know if you have kids, but let's say you had a little girl come to you one day and tell you she got a ride home from a boy who abused her.

She then tells you it was all her fault because she should've yelled for help but she just let it happen. She failed.

I want you to look at that little girl and tell her she was right. Tell her it was her fault. Tell her she could've stopped it and she didn't.

I know you couldn't do it because it would not be true. You would hug that little girl, wipe away her tears and assure her it was not her fault. You would truly mean it.

Someday, when you're ready, maybe you'll be able to look at a picture of yourself as a little girl and have that same conversation and maybe, just maybe, you'll find the same compassion.

[mixedup_emotions]

I understand what you are saying, but why can't I accept it right now.

I got a sharp knife...and I used it ever so briefly on my arm....it felt good....Like the sober alcoholic taking that first drink in a looooong time.

I am in such a bad place emotionally right now.

I had group T last Tuesday...then an individual T on Thursday...then an 'emergency' T session on Saturday....and it's been one whole day since I've seen my T and THIS is what I'm doing and feeling?

The throbbing on my arm feels good. The physical pain is satisfying.

I need to tell myself that I will NOT cut. I need to STOP thinking these thoughts. Put them away until my next session. If I can't do it for me, then I at least have to do it for my daughter who NEEDS me and deserves to have the mom that she's had for the last 8 years. We have such a wonderful relationship. I need to hold onto that accomplishment.

I have group T on Tuesday, but I don't feel I can address this at that time. My next individual session is Thursday.

[Christina86]

Okay.

Listen very carefully.

Take the knife. Put it in a cupboard or drawer. Far away. Out of sight. Right now, before you do anything else to yourself.

Don't beat yourself up. One day at a time, remember? So you're going through a rough time ... we all do, and the support you can get from T is pretty awesome at times.

Call up T tomorrow and ask for a sooner appointment. Please.

Good reason to not cut I say. Spend time with her right now - she's asleep, right?? Go into her room and watch her sleep if you can. Or look at baby pictures. Anything that reminds you of her. Okay?

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Christina

One day at a time....one day at a time....

I won't call my T tomorrow. When I was upset with him on Friday and addressed it with him on Saturday about how he didn't give me a few minutes of his time before I could make that DYFS call, his explanation involved how lately he has such a full schedule due to emergency appointments, etc. - to where he had to fit an appointment in during his lunch break - and was late to his own child's birthday party. I can't call him. He's too busy for me. I don't feel important enough.

I'll be ok. I have to be. I will go to bed, wake up in a few short hours, go to work - and try to resume having a "normal" life - until I see T again.

Thanks for the support. I never thought I'd ever feel this way. My husband moving out was the best thing for our family. It really was. But it's opened the door to me remembering who I was before we met. And that's downright scary.

[phoenix7]

((((Mixed up Emotions))) it was not your fault and you did not deserve to be beaten - you deserved to be loved in the right way and cared for and kept safe and made to feel worthwhile - you - YOU did not bring those things on - other people who were damaged did this to you but not because of you.

Know that we care - that we value you for being who you are - kind caring and funny, someone who we are happy to call friend

DOnt hurt yourself any more - the pain felt good cos it distracted you for a while - if you cant talk to T - and this will sound crazy - but then I am - when I am this far in the darkness I imagine talking to T - the kind caring T - (not the T i think I deserve to have but a kind caring non-judging one) and I imagine what T would say to me - or I imagine just curling up in his office (old T) or hers - (last T) and being safe - I love that word ...safe

so I will stop waffling on - know that we care about you - that we are here for you (even whenIm hiding!) and that you can and will get through this

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I can't call him. He's too busy for me. I don't feel important enough.

m-u-e,

I wish I could give you a real hug. Feeling that way sucks.

I bet T wasn't thinking that at all but that's the message you "heard." And I would've too!

After I started "fessing up" to T how those types of statements made me feel, she started asking "What did you hear me say" or I would tell her "When you said this--I heard that."

Right or wrong, it's what I heard but as scary as it was to tell her, it worked out and really helped us communicate better.

Maybe you could tell T how that made you feel because feeling the way you do is not going to help you one bit.

You can call T. He's not too busy for you, he's just busy. You are important enough.

[Sannah]

MUE, sounds like things are being uncovered too fast to handle? I am sorry that you are in distress. Now you need some grounding and security?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

MUE, sounds like things are being uncovered too fast to handle? I am sorry that you are in distress. Now you need some grounding and security?

It just seems to be a series of events, each one I find a sense of blame in.....Why didn't I stop the kids last week sooner? Why do I let my daughter go into that house when there are angry people there who curse and yell so often? Why didn't I help my dad more with his health issues, so he didn't drop dead in front of my daughter 2 years ago?

It's just flooding in......

I am doing 'so-so' at the moment....I am at work, trying to focus. I was feeling a huge amount of anxiety and panic during lunch, so I decided to take a nice long walk. It helped a little.

I can't seem to shake the panic....the fear....but I am ok.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

m-u-e,

I wish I could give you a real hug. Feeling that way sucks.

I could really use that real hug.....

I used to have a husband to hug me.....even though it was never a genuine, loving hug - cuz there was always another motive.....

I used to have good friends to hug me....but now they're not allowed to talk to me....

I have family to hug - but I don't want their hugs right now....

I have a daughter who I hug all the time....and I cherish them....but it's just not the kind of hug I need right now.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It just seems to be a series of events, each one I find a sense of blame in.....
thats what people prob taught you - that things were your fault when they werent

Why didn't I stop the kids last week sooner? Why do I let my daughter go into that house when there are angry people there who curse and yell so often? Why didn't I help my dad more with his health issues, so he didn't drop dead in front of my daughter 2 years ago?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing - there are so many things I would have changed if I had a time machine - but we dont - you did the best you could at the time and thats all you could do .. thats all any of us can do ....

It's just flooding in......

Sorry....

I am doing 'so-so' at the moment....I am at work, trying to focus. I was feeling a huge amount of anxiety and panic during lunch, so I decided to take a nice long walk. It helped a little.

Good on you for trying to ground yourself - yeah for you ! !!!

I can't seem to shake the panic....the fear....but I am ok.

Do somthing nice for you - if you can - know that there are many here who care about and for you - wrap yourself up in our care like a giant hug and let us keep you safe - take care

[Sannah]

Hmmmmm, blaming yourself a lot huh? Are you doing this to punish yourself?

Why can't your friends talk to you?

I am glad that you went for a walk. Good self care!

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm not the only one blaming me.....

My neighbor sent me a text today after a big blowout that happened this morning and said, "I can answer this question by myself and thanks so much for ALL that you have done. One question, why didn't you run out and stop them when you saw it?"

And then, the two neighbors are texting each other this morning and bashing me.

Nice.

[Sannah]

[mixedup_emotions]

I finally responded to my neighbor's text, saying....

"I will not allow you or anybody to try to guilt me with "why didn't you"..."should haves"...or "what ifs"...I did not cause this situation and will not accept blame. Additionally, I do not need or want to subject myself to confrontational and argumentative behavior."

[darkrunner]

That is a strong confident response - well done!

I hope you really believe what you texted.....it is very true.

[phoenix7]

That was a great text - people who are quick to judge like that are usually the ones who wouldnt have done anything apart from close their curtains and turn away - be strong - we are standing with you!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks.....

The response I got was not good.....

She said, "Well then next time you see something approach it in a more suitable manner. I was only defensive, not confrontational. you need to look up the mirror image you were 2 against 1 how short is your memory? I am the one who is caring and nurturing and no one not even you and Gestalt can overcome that. I also have the educational background and street experience to back up my statements. They are not just theses."

Then, about 20 minutes later, she said, "I think your in depth studies have you confusing your phebomenological with what is real and perceived".

Good Lord.....I didn't even respond to that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

That is a strong confident response - well done!

I hope you really believe what you texted.....it is very true.

Thanks. I admit that I do feel guilt....and I believe I even mentioned that in earlier posts....why didn't I stop it sooner? But I know I did not cause the children to behave in that manner. I also was not responsible for watching them - their parents were. So, I was NOT in the wrong.

I suspected something was up and could've stopped it sooner. But I didn't.....and I believe it's a blessing in disguise because this has been going on apparently for some time (as I've heard from other neighbors who said the kids were hiding in their bushes, etc.).....and it was about time someone got some real evidence and did something about it.

So, GO ME....



It still feels crappy to feel that guilt though...and to have other people pointing the finger at me like I did something wrong....

Once again, getting blamed for things....but this time, I refuse to blame myself for the incident....I do still feel the guilt though. It's just unfortunate that it happened.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

That was a great text - people who are quick to judge like that are usually the ones who wouldnt have done anything apart from close their curtains and turn away - be strong - we are standing with you!

Thank you!!

It just hurts to know that people who are so-called friends can treat their friends this way. I guess the good thing here is that it is giving me the opportunity that I needed to sever unhealthy relationships. I need to walk away from this one. She just has too many issues that I can't handle, and I do not deserve to be around such drama, anger, etc. It's ALWAYS something with her...and it always has to be about her.

I wouldn't dare consider talking to her about the things I've posted here, because I know that she would - in some way - discount it and then turn it onto how her life is oh so hard.....

I don't need that kind of crap in my life anymore.

[peaches100]

((((((((((MixedupEmotions)))))))))

I hear your pain and guilt and shame. Your words resonate. I also was SA. i know how deep the self blame can go. I do not have the right words to say right now. Except to tell you that you were NOT to blame as a child. You are not bad, nor did you deserve to be beaten. I know these are only words, but i hope that one day you can believe this deep down in your heart. I am reaching out on PC to comfort you.

[peaches100]

I'm sorry that your neighbor is adding to the stress that you are already feeling. I think you did such a good job though in the text reply you made. Good for you for standing your ground! I know this situation must be really, really difficult for you. Don't forget we're here to support you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I needed to sever unhealthy relationships. I need to walk away from this one. She just has too many issues that I can't handle, and I do not deserve to be around such drama, anger, etc. It's ALWAYS something with her...and it always has to be about her.

Yes, this is very good ^. And, yes, you got the evidence to finally nip this in the bud. Maybe she is trying to put her guilt on you. Why is her daughter doing this? She is responsible for that.