[shezbut]

Wondering if others here have experience with incest. How old were you when it occurred? Have you ever told anyone? Did you experience romantic, and/or sexual problems as a result?

I am haunted by a couple of memories from childhood. Both from age 5. One is of me giving my 8 yr-old brother a b.j. The other, I gave another boy a b.j. I have always felt intense shame when I recall those events. I haven't ever told anyone about them.

I've experienced many problems since (I'm 38 y.o. female). I don't know what to do ~ or where to go. I seriously don't even know who I am!!

[Sannah]

Have you ever been in therapy?

[Miri]

I'm so sorry about what happened to you ... Yes, I was sexually abused from the time of infancy. Honestly, you need help to deal with this, therapy with someone caring who will listen and help you feel safe. It is for the best, although it can be hard to make the first step. But you really need that support. And you can get support here, too. Feeling like you don't know who you are is not unusual - many of us feel or have felt that way. Please do your best to take care of yourself. sending warmth and caring.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am now finally realizing that many of my "issues" relating to sex and not wanting to be touched in certain ways stems from past SA....You're not alone.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you ever been in therapy?

Yes- many times. I've had a pretty rocky life, and have so much going on now we never get into the past (as we're just trying to make it through where I currently am). I've worked with social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists since I was a "tween".

Shez

[Sannah]

I am glad that you are working on today. Working on the present is very important too.........

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I am glad that you are working on today. Working on the present is very important too.........

How can I work on the present without accepting the past? I am unable to accept me. For whatever reason, my memory gets triggered, and I am haunted. A vicious cycle that becomes more stressful and painful as time passes. I wish that I didn't have to be so unhappy. Why can't I just let go already?? I seriously cannot stand the memory, yet I can't stop trying to figure out who in the heck I am. I hate it!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by shezbut

How can I work on the present without accepting the past? I am unable to accept me. For whatever reason, my memory gets triggered, and I am haunted. A vicious cycle that becomes more stressful and painful as time passes. I wish that I didn't have to be so unhappy. Why can't I just let go already?? I seriously cannot stand the memory, yet I can't stop trying to figure out who in the heck I am. I hate it!!

Have you tried changing your focus in therapy to work on some of the issues of the past? I know my T feels that it's important to get out of crisis before we can figure out the "whys" of certain things. But at the same time, if certain things in the past are causing so much turmoil in the present - then I would feel as though it needed to be addressed.

I'm hurting for you....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

How can I work on the present without accepting the past? I am unable to accept me. For whatever reason, my memory gets triggered, and I am haunted. A vicious cycle that becomes more stressful and painful as time passes. I wish that I didn't have to be so unhappy. Why can't I just let go already?? I seriously cannot stand the memory, yet I can't stop trying to figure out who in the heck I am. I hate it!!

Very true, accepting the past is important too. You can't let go until you work through it. I am sorry that you are struggling so

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Have you tried changing your focus in therapy to work on some of the issues of the past? I know my T feels that it's important to get out of crisis before we can figure out the "whys" of certain things. But at the same time, if certain things in the past are causing so much turmoil in the present - then I would feel as though it needed to be addressed.

I'm hurting for you....

No, I haven't been willing to look at the distant past until the last year or so. I have mentioned my childhood lightly, but I never went before age 12. My uncle in-law molested me from age 12-14. I finally told my parents and a counselor of that when I was 16. While I tried to work through the issue for years, I also continued to repress memory of incest whenever it showed it's head.

My life is a complete shambles all around me. I look back and see that I have always had major dramas happening within my life. Psychologists and medical doctors saying that I'm going through a lot - it will get better as time passses. Yet, it hasn't ever gotten better. Instead, it's gotten progressively worse over the years.

I wonder if I'm really close to solving the mystery, to who I am & what has happened to me, and that's why things continue to get worse?? It's very strange when that memory comes back again. I get a chill down my spine, breathe shallow, and I am terrified! My thoughts come so fast, I can't keep track. One thought I do continue to have is I'm horrified that I could completely forget. I question the validity ~ How could I forget, remember, forget, remember again, etc. for years and years?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very true, accepting the past is important too. You can't let go until you work through it. I am sorry that you are struggling so

I don't know what to do! I'm scared to talk about it, and try to figure out exactly what has happened. And I'm also afraid to continue to avoid talking about it. Since this memory came back to me, a few days ago, I can't get this dilemma out of my mind. I'm obsessing over my questionable childhood. How do I know whether or not I merely dreamt that these things happened so many years ago?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I don't know what to do! I'm scared to talk about it, and try to figure out exactly what has happened. And I'm also afraid to continue to avoid talking about it. Since this memory came back to me, a few days ago, I can't get this dilemma out of my mind. I'm obsessing over my questionable childhood. How do I know whether or not I merely dreamt that these things happened so many years ago?

I can relate to exactly what you're feeling, because I am feeling it right now as well. I have a "memory" of something that happened in my childhood (SA), but I am wondering if it really happened or not - or if it was just conjured up in my own mind. I am asking my T that exact question - how do you know if the memory is real or not?

Regardless of whether or not it actually happened, if you are thinking it and questioning it - it is real in some way to you...whether it happened or not. I hope that makes sense.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I can relate to exactly what you're feeling, because I am feeling it right now as well. I have a "memory" of something that happened in my childhood (SA), but I am wondering if it really happened or not - or if it was just conjured up in my own mind. I am asking my T that exact question - how do you know if the memory is real or not?

Regardless of whether or not it actually happened, if you are thinking it and questioning it - it is real in some way to you...whether it happened or not. I hope that makes sense.

Let me know what your T says, mixedup

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I don't know what to do! I'm scared to talk about it, and try to figure out exactly what has happened. And I'm also afraid to continue to avoid talking about it. Since this memory came back to me, a few days ago, I can't get this dilemma out of my mind. I'm obsessing over my questionable childhood. How do I know whether or not I merely dreamt that these things happened so many years ago?

Can you discuss this with your T?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you discuss this with your T?

I have not been able to get a therapist for a couple of months now. I see a psychiatrist...once a month for 20 minutes...surely not the same! I am simply stuck in limbo until 6/1. In the meantime, however, I am a basket case

[Sannah]

Will you soon be able to get a therapist?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Will you soon be able to get a therapist?

I hope so. I called my psychiatrist's office this morning, in a panic, and spoke with the nurse. She took my information and said that I'd hear back from the office either this afternoon or Monday. I don't think that she grasped what I was trying to say...hopefully, my psych will pick up the intent from what she reports to him.

[ashsoccergirl]

I am 15 years old and my brother is 19 years old. He was the last person that i ever believed would hurt me but i was wrong. when i was 8 he started molesting me and it never stopped. when i was 13 a teacher found out and there was an investigation. my mom didnt believe me and turned everyone against me. soon after, the investigation was closed and nothing happened. and he kept molesting me. a year later i had this teacher that i became real close with. she became like a mother to me and i became like another daughter to her. with her and her family i finally felt safe and happy. shes the first person i trusted since the abuse started and i felt like i could talk to her about anything. so one day i told her what happened to me. after i told her i was in tears and she just huged me and wiped away my tears and said everything was gunna be ok. there was another investigation and she was with me every step of the way. i ended up testifying for the grand jury but nothing happened after that but the investigation closing. my mom later made me and her cut all contact but atleast i had some relief for a liitle bit of time when i was with her. he then continued molesting me and someone found out but i refused to say anything because i knew nothing would happen. it hasnt happened in a while and im happy but i know its only a matter of time. i now have a phsychiatrist and an in home counselor but no matter how much i want to say something nothing comes out. the only way i could ever tell what happened to me was through wrighting but with my teacher i actually talked to her about what happened. this all has left me ashamed, afraid mad and confused. i hate him for what he did to me but at the same time i blame myself for not trying harder or stopping him. i dont know what to do anymore! i cant take waking up everyday and having to see him enjoying life. i awake everynight with nightmares of him, i cant focus now, i often have thoughts of hurting myself or someone else and my skin is constantly crawling all because of him. what am i supposed to do now? my life is over but i can never seem to end it. i hate asking for help because that makes me weak and i cant even kill myself because im a coward.

[shezbut]

ashsoccergirl,

I wish that hugs could help you through your misery ! You've described such incredibly painful experiences. Personally, I would get the hell out of that house. It may not be the most fun and normal thing to do at your age, but it's certainly better to get out of the danger.

While the court system may not have worked for you, there are lots of resources waiting to help youth who are struggling to live. Reach out to local county services! You need and deserve professional help to provide physical and emotional security.


Shez

[Typo]

((((((((Shezbut)))))))) ((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))

I too am an incest survivor, mine was my mom's brother, from 4-6, and 15,

It has left me with a few issues retaining relationships, I find it hard to trust men who are attracted to me, If a man tells me I am pretty I freak out and freeze or have to make an excuse to leave the situation immediately, or I believe they are lying to me so they can use me. I am either friends with a guy and if not then that man makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I had more to offer in advice or successes, but I am just now starting down my path to recovery. I just wanted to let ya'll know your not alone and together we will all find our way to peace hand in hand

Sending blessings to all
Sparrow

[deliquesce]

this is kind of weird for me because i told my pdoc about this stuff last week. i've been seeing him for 5 years.

he was amazing and he was good and he believed me. this week (just today) i went back and said i was worried that i might have told some lies... i wasn't sure of the memories anymore... maybe i made them up.

but he still believed me. said it would be ok, and that i was safe with him. said it didnt matter to him if they were 100% accurate or not, what mattered is that something happened, and i am still reacting to it today.

what triggered all of this is that someone asked me out on a date. it has been very slow, but i am still seeing that person. pdoc is helping me understand my reactions and im getting a bit of hope that one day i will be able to have a safe relationship that i want to stay in.

[shezbut]

[quote=Silversparrow;1027887 I find it hard to trust men who are attracted to me, If a man tells me I am pretty I freak out and freeze or have to make an excuse to leave the situation immediately, or I believe they are lying to me so they can use me. I am either friends with a guy and if not then that man makes me uncomfortable.
[/quote]

Sparrow,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience!

Just yesterday I noticed that I have a destructive pattern, which only contributes to my misery. I am not good at establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. The result is a man becoming to close way too fast and I freak out. For years, I have ignored that alarm, not trusting my instincts. The result is dissociation. While I may want male and female friends, my divulging too much info of myself to a small percentage of people, is a big mistake. It only attracts a man who simply wants a piece of arse. I know that I don't want anything sexual, cause just the thought freaks me out! But, perhaps that's the only way I've ever known to develop a relationship?? It's sad to realize that I'm responsible for my own misery.

Shez

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Just yesterday I noticed that I have a destructive pattern, which only contributes to my misery. I am not good at establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. The result is a man becoming to close way too fast and I freak out. For years, I have ignored that alarm, not trusting my instincts. The result is dissociation. While I may want male and female friends, my divulging too much info of myself to a small percentage of people, is a big mistake. It only attracts a man who simply wants a piece of arse. I know that I don't want anything sexual, cause just the thought freaks me out! But, perhaps that's the only way I've ever known to develop a relationship?? It's sad to realize that I'm responsible for my own misery.

This is very good that you realized this. Very good work! This is how I got better by realizing what was really going on with me. You might have patterns that are not helpful now but you are not responsible for your misery! I don't know what happened to you, but you were a child and a caretaker was supposed to be responsible for you so that you could grow up with good experiences and knowledge about life. Whatever you didn't learn while growing up can be learned now as an adult. This is what I did. You have taken the first step here by being aware of what isn't working and what needs some work. Very good!

[shezbut]

Deli,

Sounds as though you have a very good pdoc. Very nice to hear that he is helping you understand and feel safe enough to discover the past. Someday, you will develop a happy and healthy intimate relationship.

Shez

[shezbut]

Thank you very much for your response Sannah It really means a lot to get an experienced opinion on what I can look forward to in recovery. May I ask what type of therapy you've gotten to help? Any particular kind? How often did you go to therapy? I unsure of what's reasonable to expect from my pdoc's.

Shez