[mel020377]

Hey my name is Melissa. I hope that today finds everyone well. I wish I could say the same for me. I am a 28 year old survivor. Survivor. That is a hard word to swallow. Noone ever expects to have to say that they survived abuse. I did! I survived. Now my ordeal is not the abuse, it is its aftermath. The feelings of guilt, shame, hate, anger and fear. They say that the earlier the abuse and the longer the abuse, the more lasting the effects are. I agree. My mom's second husband abused me when I was 6 and I sent him to jail. I didn't however have the same luck with my mom's third husband. He abused me for 8 years straight, until I got pregnant. He, thank god, never got the chance to actually have sex with me. All though he made me promise him at 11 that he could be my first. I never gave him the chance. I got pregnant with my daughter by my then boyfriend, my now husband, and he has never touched me since. The thing that I hate the most is the fact that I didnt have a childhood. When most girls would ask to spend the night, they werent allowed. He used me whenever he wanted. He told me it was my fault for being so beautiful. I hate that word. He said if I didnt look like my mother then he wouldnt have to do this to me.
Now he is in the hospital having major heart problems and I have soooo many mixed emotions. My mom and he are still married. I told her but I dont think she believes me. My first thought was good maybe he will die, but I know that is selfish. I am frustrated with the way I feel. I am planning on confronting him and letting him know that what he did to me is wrong. My husband is wonderful. he says he understand what I am going through, but he doesnt know the hurt. Which he wishes I didnt have. does any one have any suggestions?

Ok, here goes. First, welcome to the forums Melissa. God, I have to say that for your first post, this is a deep one. Most people say hi and then their name. You're showing courage that would make Hercules jealous. Now on to the abuse. Speaking from my own experience of which I'll spare the details, everything you're feeling is par for the course. And the thing is that you are entitled to these feelings. You deserve to feel anger and hate and whatever else you feel toward these men. They harmed a child... a child. That's about the most wretched thing anyone can do if you ask me. And you are a survivor. Don't ever forget that. You had and still have the strength to stand up and face the feelings and deal with them. You and I are working toward the same goals here... confrontation and, hopefully in the end, forgiveness. You didn't say that exact word, but I get the feeling that that's where you want to head. And if I'm wrong, please correct me. It sounds like you have a wonderful hubby who supports you completely and that's a blessing and a half. I can't even begin to tell you how hard this aftermath is to deal with alone and I'm so happy that you have your family for support. It's good that you told your mom, and I'm sorry that she doesn't believe you. That's not uncommon either. There will come a time where she's got to face it. And maybe somewhere inside she knows but is in denial. Are you on meds or in therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. It can and will work wonders if you want it to. I guess I've rambled on long enough so I'll leave you with this... It sounds to me like you are doing wonderfully given the circumstances. You know what you feel and why you feel it. You can see how it affects you and your life and family in the here and now. That's one of the hardest steps in my book. My suggestion is to start/continue with meds/therapy program and hold off on confrontation until you have a firm grasp on your emotions and can control them. I'm not sure if you're to that point yet. Only you know that. If you were to loose it in a confrontation, it might not have the impact on your abusers that it should. Then again, it may. That's something to confirm with a therapist. I know that for me, confrontation is still a long way off. My other suggestions are to stick with us here. Everyone here is wonderful and we'll hold your hand, dry your tears, be your friends, support you, and hold you up if and when when you feel like you can't stand on your own. Never give up hun. You've already shown us what you're made of... and we're all here for you. Try not to let those feeling of shame and guilt get you down. I know that's a silly thing to say cause sometimes we just plain can't help it. Another thing to remember is that you were a defensless child and none of this is your fault. Not even a little bit. Take good care of yourself.

Ry

[kimmydawn]

Hi Melissa. I'd like to welcome you to PsychCentral. You've come to a great place for understanding and relation.

I'm so sorry for what you went thru as a child. I, along with many here, can relate with you and share your pain and concerns. I, as well, am a survivor. I want to say "well done" on doing whatever you needed to do to survive! I don't understand why people hurt children. I don't think I ever will.

It's no wonder that the memories, thoughts and feelings are with you so strongly right now! That usually happens when something life threatening happens to the abusers...along with other triggers. It can bring it so close again

I'm very glad that you have an understanding husband. Kudos to hubby!

Melissa, have you ever been in therapy and talked in depth about what happened to that little girl? It's helped me so much when things happen that bring that time close to me. Talking it all out...putting as much understanding to it as I can. The main thing that's helped me there is to attempt to let go of some of the guilt and shame. Also, I found out how much I react/act today is directly related to then.

Whatever you decide to do about that abuser, know that I'm thinking about you. You deserve to say whatever it is that you want to say.

Think about therapy? It's saved my quality of life.

Again, i congratulate you. I hope so much for you and yours. Mainly, keep yourself emotionally safe right now thru this time.

I understand what you're going thru. I know you would understand me as well if i told you my story...for that I'm sorry. I wish no one to understand the hell of childhood sexual abuse.

Be safe and I hope to hear from you again soon!

kd

[ktp]

Melissa:

Welcome to the forums. You are very brave and I admire you for sharing your story. I definitely can relate. Please continue to talk to us about it.

Take care,
Kimberly.

[mel020377]

Ryan you are right I do want to forgive him. I would love to just scream at him at the top of my lungs, but I know that would get me No Where any faster. To look at him, to be near him at all makes me freeze, all of these feelings come rushing over me and I end up running out the door. I cant not fathom why one earth anyone could hurt a child. I have two and they mean everything to me. They are what keep me going!!!

See what I mean Mel, about the wonderful peeps here? You posted this like 5 seconds ago and already you're feeling the love. Psych Central is an amazing place. I think that forgiveness is a wonderful thing to hope and dream for... and sadly one of the most difficult things in the world to find. It's hidden somewhere deep down in the depths of who we are and it seems, at times, like it's never gonna let us find it. I don't blame you one bit for being racked with emotions when you're near your abusers. It's "normal"... what ever that is. Fight or flight... ever hear of that? It's instinctual to run from something you fear and after what's happened to you, who could blame you for fearing those men? I certainly can't. One of my abusers I'm 10 times closer to forgiving than the other. And if I were to ever come face to face with that other, I'm sure I'd either become a ball of whimpering fear, or lash out like I've never done before... out of fear. I wish you the very best in life. You're a cycle breaker. Everyone here is. I can tell that by the way you speak of your children. Good luck.

Ry

[Kathyanita]

SHE cant see Who did it back then because it WAS NOT just males so NOw I told and Im going to get in troble
I DONT CARE
RITA
i can have my oWN opinion and now i hijacked so IM SORRY

[nothemama8]

Sweetie you didn't highjack you welcomed Mel in your own way, you let her know you understand her pain.

Welcome Mel, we met in chat today, I'm Angie, you already met Amy in chat. The ppl here are the most loving and best support you'll ever find.
Angie

[jmo531]

Mel! Welcome to PC and I will echo the phrase : YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE FOR SUPPORT.

I do suffered years of abuse. It's not something I talk about ever. I once posted a brief thread about a small portion of my abuse but for the most part, I feel like you do. Shame, guilt, embarressment and if I dwell it makes my heart ache because it hurts so much.
I commend you for having the strength to come forward and confront the bastard who hurt you. You are a wonderful person to be able to do that.
I too would probably wish horrible things on this person as well. And like you, I would most likely feel the guilt also.
I have not stirred up he strenght within myself to deal with this issue. I have touch on my problem with affection and plan on starting out small. To much too soon it way too painful. I wish the best for you and i want to thank you for sharing your story with us. Your inspiring to me. Take care and again, welcome to the forums.

[christopherm317]

Hello Melissa, I too am Melissa. Sorry to know another person has been hurt this way. I have alot of horror stories from my childhood and I tell them like a movie I saw last week. I will not allow pain from my childhood to overcome my adult life. You should be the same way. That man deserves a hard exit. Dont feel guilty for the sins he's done. You should worry about your family and your self. You can forgive him for what he has done but that does not mean loving the person he is or was. I make excuses for those who have hurt me. She cant help it thats the way she was raised or he's not right in the head. And it really does help me pass through the pain. Your husband might have a clue to what you are going through if he has been there for ten years. Don't shut him out. Be strong Melissa be strong for yourself and your family. Make sure your children never have these issue's in their own lives. Thats how I focus and keep my head up. My daughter will never. I mean never deal with the things I have delt with in my life. The thought of providing a happy life for some one makes my pain worth while. Be a model in life for those around you. Show them you are strong. Good luck!

[Eva1nder]

Hi mel

I met you only briefly in chat ...and didn't get a chance to really meet you or get a chance to talk to you.

I'd really like to get that chance though.

For now I'd like to welcome you and say you have so much courage. You are going through a lot.

Even though "this man" is having heart problems...that doesn't lessen the fact of what he did to you and that it was wrong.

He had no right to do what he did to you and you shouldn't feel any guilt or mistaken him being sick or whatever excuse anybody throws at you for what he chose to do to you when you were a child. He was the adult and made that choice.

I hope that's ok to say. I hope you can work through this and my reason for saying that is just so that you're not minimized in any way for what you've been through...like you've said ...you are a survivor.

Take care
Eva

[wisewoman]

Ditto, being frail and decrepit does not excuse the misuse of power and of an innocent child. Whatever, however you feel is okay. I am glad you have a good hubby and are focused on protectiong the wee ones.

[Hope4me2]

mel
welcome I am a newbie too
I also suffered years of sexual abuse from my bro to start and then uncles and cousins took over from there. I suffered for years in silence telling no one. But now at the age of 47 I am in Therapy and finally someone is listening and someone believes me.......yes someones BELIEVES me ...........something my bro always told me would NEVER happen. I am taking it slow and it has been painful but I have a wonderful T and he is a BIG help. My hubby who I have been married to for 28 yrs is in T with me once a week too and he is being patient and understanding. So do not count your husband out.
I want to share my story sometime on the boards but I am scared right now so going to take my time and not rush it. I commend you for being so couragish for taking a BIG leap on the first post. Good going. That is a BIG step on taking your power back from your prep.
Keep your children close and your eyes open and your heart open and listen to your heart. It something feels wrong go with it. I wish I would have and I could have saved my daughters from going through some of the h*ll I went through and now watching them struggling with things in their lives as a result of. It is heart breaking and fills me with guilt and shame.

[jennie]

Melissa, I don't think you are selfish by thinking this world would be better off without your mother's husband in this world. I recognize from what you wrote a typical personality trait that sexual abuse survivors share - - caretaking. There's nothing wrong with healthy caretaking of others, however, as an abuse victim, you need to recognize your needs and believe your needs are just as (or more) important as someone else's needs are.

I also tend to put others' needs first. My father had incestuous relations with me from the ages 3 to 12. I protected my father's secret for 22 years! What do you think the price is for putting my parents', relatives', my employers', and other men's needs before my own needs? Physical & mental illness, further victimization, loss of identity, and no self worth are my results.

You deserve better.

[mel020377]

I don't want to be a victim any longer. I want to overcome the feelings of hate I have. I trying to be strong and handle all these feelings I have. I know that in order to be the mom that I want to be, I have to step up and say YOU WILL NOT WIN, YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME!!!!! He may have beat me down, but he will not break me! I have survived!