*triggering* was this sexual abuse or am I over-reacting?

When I 8, my brother (2 years older) started to make sexual advances towards me. He would ask to play games that involved dressing up as characters - only my character would always have to dress down to reveal more of my body. He kept playing these games throughout the years, gradually requesting that I wear less and less, and eventually, that he touch me. Of course I caught on and didn't want to play the game anymore. But if I didn't play his games, he would withdraw his friendship from me... and since we moved around a lot as children, were homeschooled, and he was my only sibling (not to mention my parents were very wary of strangers and I was very shy), he was my only friend and I couldn't imagine living without him.

Even worse, when I refused to play his games, he would still find ways to touch me or sexualize me. When we went swimming he'd grab my body under the water so no one could see. When we sat next to each other he'd stare at my chest, reach into his pants and masturbate himself. He'd grab at my body any chance he got.

I hated his obsession with my body, but it was unavoidable and I couldn't bear to lose my only friend, so I gave in to his games. He would have us both nude and touch me and have me touch him, but he never tried to have intercourse.

Finally, when I started going to high school, I was able to make new friends and so I decided to stop playing my brother's sexual games. Of course, he immediately withdrew our friendship, but at this point I didn't care and was mostly able to avoid his sexual advances from then on (though he still would grab at me and masturbate beside me). Since then (about 9 years ago), our friendship has been non-existent.

The last time this type of thing happened was when I was 19. I eventually just started ignoring him when he'd masturbate because I knew I couldn't stop him.

Now, at 22, I finally brought up how I was effected by what he did. He said he hardly remembered it.

Thank god, he hasn't approached me sexually since 4 years ago... but it still has contaminated my entire view of sex. I struggle with flashbacks and have an extraordinarily hard time being intimate with boyfriends, alternating between avoiding sex at all costs and being almost over-sexual because I feel like it is the only way I will be loved and people will stick around.

But was this even sexual abuse? Or am I just over-reacting? Some people seem to think I shouldn't have any issues at all because it wasn't violent and I wasn't raped. But for me, all the manipulation and sick games and destroyed my trust and has caused me to view sex in a horrible light - something that is just used selfishly, regardless of the misery it causes. Something that is more powerful than the deepest love and friendship. Sex equals abuse for me. And I don't know how to move past it.

In my opinion, Yes, it was. As you say, you feel the only way you can relate to others,or have a male friend is on a sexual level; because this was all you knew as a child from the only "friend" you really had. So sad. Did your parents see none of this?
My son and daughter were only 16 months apart, but they didn't have this issue-where did your brother learn this behavior? My ex molested our biological daughter, I found out later-when she was 13, and I took appropriate action--but brother and sister were
the only friends they had--and they were steadfast friends, he, to this day does not look at her in that way. They are 32 and 33 now.

Are you certain there wasn't some role model your brother was following? Some adult? Or other child around the same age doing the same things?

Sorry to be so inquisitive, but kids just aren't born that evil--and that was evil-JMO.
Sorry this happened to you--((((hugs)))) you are not alone

That is absolutely sexual abuse. Are you in therapy? And yes, he may have had an outside influence, but its also possible that he came up with these things on his own. Either way, you aren't responsible for what he did. I'm really sorry that you had this happen to you.

This is definitely sexual abuse. Everything he did until the touching was called grooming. And even that alone can cause trauma and emotional damage. Since it is emotional sexual abuse. When he touched you and made you touch him, that was molestation. You have EVERY right to feel the way you do about it! And with childhood sexual abuse, there does NOT have to be physical force or violence. Since the child is already taught to submit to authority and believe she/he can trust the authority. It's called coercion, and with a child it's all that's needed to abuse them. The child doesn't understand what to do, they don't understand if this is right or wrong, and a lot don't understand that they can stand up for themselves and say no, unless they are taught they it's okay to do so. In childhood, we were made to do things that we didn't like to do like doing chores, getting up early to go to school, stop playing to eat dinner, or whatever, so we thought that maybe this was just one of those things too. Also, you do not have to be raped to be sexually abused. Please don't listen to whoever is telling you this, they obviously don't understand what SA is and they didn't go through it and they're not you, so how can they tell you how to feel? I hope you do have a therapist to talk about this to, because he/she will explain this to you, that it was abuse and your feelings are a result of it and you have every right to feel them. Take care & keep posting.

Yes this was abuse...no question about it!

It sounds to me like this started out as "playing doctor," your brother wanted to know about the opposite sex and you were his only opportunity to do so. As you both got into your teens and puberty, then it became more wholly sexual in nature and was additionally fueled by hormones. I don't think it was technically abuse, since you were both "equal" in power/children (would have been abuse if it had been one of your parents). I'm very glad you became less isolated and went to high school and made other friends.

Did you ever mention it to one of your parents? I have three older brothers (was the only girl) and didn't put up with rough/rude treatment without complaining to my mother!

((jamminpianogirl)) - yes I feel this was definately sexual abuse. Just because it wasn't violent, doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. Very often child abuse by a relative isn't violent because they groom and manipulate their victims to tolerate it. I don't think this was normal child's play and there WAS an unequal balance of power.

I can also understand why you weren't able to tell and unhappily tolerated it - I understand the shyness thing. When I was 13 my BIL tried to assault me and luckily I pushed him away but I didn't tell anyone until I was 24. I was so confused and shocked so I didn't say anything for years.

If your brother masturbated until he was 19 -I think he should remember this. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I think your brother needs help so he won't abuse again. I also think you need someone understanding to talk to, so this doesn't continue to affect you today. Just because it wasn't violent, doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. He manipulated you psychologically by withholding sibling love /connection.

* I just wanted to mention - now that I have kids of my own, I made sure I told them from a young age and continue to teach them, that no one, not a relative, friend etc should ever touch them. I've taught my girls that authority flies out the window when it comes to your body. So if Daddy's nice best friend or great uncle so and so tries to touch them - to be loud, rude and get away. This is what I learned from my experience and if you have children please do the same.

I believe that anytime there is unwanted touch, unwanted staring, sexual talk, anything like that, it is abuse. Since your brother is 2 years older than you, I wouldn't be surprised that he felt he had the upper hand and the control over you that he desired. If any of this makes you feel uncomfortable and bothers you, then, yes, it was abuse.

Perna, you wrote:

I'm confused by your comment as I don't see anything here being "equal". When one is told or shown that if one doesn't go along with what the other wants and then there is a consequence (taking away his friendship), that is not on equal stands. He has taken power over her in this case not only with threats of removing his friendship and connection, but with actually doing so when she finally called him on it. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just a bit confused.

((((((((((( jammin ))))))))))))) I'm sorry you are feeling as you are. I hope that you know that some therapy could very well help how you view yourself and sex in the future. You have every right to feel what you feel.

I wish you well!

sabby

(((rebnsof)))) - yes you were abused. Children are unable to process a sexual experience in their minds even though their bodies can feel pleasure. So even though you sometimes sought out and sometimes even felt pleasure doesn't mean you weren't abused. You confused the love you craved with sex and it's not your fault. You were slowly conditioned to tolerate it. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

if you are in the USA yes that is considered sexual abuse in other countries some no some yes. the police, or your therapist can tell you if where you are its considered sexual abuse.

from when i was about 7 until i was around 9 which is when i told him to stop my brother touched me too. I can remember my very words that the rudeness had to stop and we had to forget about it. He is one year younger than me and never thought of it as abuse because we were the same age. Are you guys saying it is abuse? I am also sorry to hear of the other carer written here but dont know what to say as i didnt look at it in this way. Man i am now so confused. I never told anyone before but do feel sick when i think about it. Makes me feel dirty

I think it is abuse simply because the effects you describe (jami, reb and allme) are consistent to those of any victim of abuse. You carry forward issues that impact how you relate to men and sex and intimacy and can directly relate those issues to the incidents with your brother.

Normal child's play doesn't leave those kinds of scars. You are scared and need healing because of what your brother had you doing with him. It will take professional help to sort it all out for you.

Send your brother the bill for your therapy along with a referal to a good therapist for himself. I pray he hasn't continued this with any others in his life and I am sorry if he too is a victim. It so often is the case when children act out this way.

This happened with me too. Can that not happen even if nothing happened to you? I know something happened to me, but I don't remember most of it. I have nightmares and flashbacks about it. But before I had my first time (like a year or two before), I went to the gyn and she told me I wasn't a virgin. At that time, I couldn't understand how that was possible. Her and the nurse kept asking me if I was active and I told them no over and over. It was only like a year later, after I stop going to see my father that I started having nightmares about the abuse.

Anyway, I think in all three cases this was abuse. Jammin's for obvious reasons I already explained; Reb's because she dissociated and suppressed the memories (that says it was traumatic) ; Allme's, because she said it was "rudeness" and told him to stop, that says she didn't want it to happen, unwanted touching is abuse. My sister is only 18 months older than me, and I can tell you she has power over me. Being the same age doesn't mean it can't be abuse, they just have to have more power and authority.

There are ways to remember. I don't know where I heard this, where I saw it, maybe it was on this forum, I don't know....But someone said when you intergrate the parts that dissociated, the memories will come together.... There is a part of us that was there during the abuse that holds the memory. We may have went somewhere else in our minds, went outside our bodies and watched, blanked our minds, or switched into alter, or something of this nature. So our own conscience minds don't remember it. You can remember it with time, when you're triggered, after you have a flashback or a nightmare, or you can uncover the memories by journaling, doing trauma workbooks, or therapy. I have been reading books and doing workbooks. I do them very slowly. Then I wrote about what I remember on here. Then I had a terrible flashback and an alter showed himself. Then I remembered something that seemed to be a traumatic experience, but I didn't remember much, so I wrote what I remembered on here. The same alter came out, very angry (I'm not diagnosed DID, this was VERY unusual to me, never was aware of an alter before). He told me to stop, cursing me out.... The thing is, I'm not ready to remember and my mind knows this. I don't have the emotional stability at the moment to remember it. You will in time, so don't try to push yourself to it.

My brother-in-law who is 25 still sucks his thumb. It's not ridiculous, it's a way to cope. I assume it's soothing.

All the feelings you explained are very common in abuse victims.

Yes, I don't know about older brothers, but I know about older sisters. My sister was very physically abusive to me at times and I feel the same way. I don't hate her. I forgive her. I'm sure your abusers are haunted but what they did, unless they're sociopathic. It's okay to feel broken, your soul was broken by the abuse. But you can put it back together.

Sorry for hi-jacking the thread. I hope this helps jammin too.