[jexa]

So I started telling T about the SA when I was 8.. And how I was so sheltered I had no idea what it was at ALL until middle school.. that I didn't even know what sex was, or where babies came from, or anything at all like that..

Ohh my gosh my heart is pounding right now but I just need to freaking talk..

Last session, T asked about how it felt when I learned what sex was, and when I learned what it was that had happened to me when I was 8.. and all I could say was, "Horrified." It was, it was awful, all the meaning of what I had heard about sex (it's bad, don't do it) from church and from everyone all the sudden collided with my memories and I realized that what happened was sex.. I realized, I did that. I did that before.

She wanted to know what else I felt but I just couldn't couldn't couldn't.

And now the word "horrified" has been repeating in my head over and over.. it is awful.. I just hate this..

[googley]

((((((((Jexa))))))))

Please take slow deep breaths. You are doing so well in T talking about all this, but it can leave us all frazzled afterwords. Have you talked with your T about coping mechanisms for when you feel this way? Don't you usually have T on Friday? Did you have T early this week, or is this left over from last session? Can you give T a call or email to let her know how bad it is? You can beat this feeling. Can you think of telling it to go in a box until next session when you can talk about it some more? Please take gentle care of yourself.

[Amazonmom]

The shame, blame, pain, and burden of what was done to you belongs with the abuser.

I know you are overwhelmed with feelings right now. You are a wonderful good person. You will eventually be able to work through those feelings so they don't hurt you like they do now. You deserve to be set free, even if it's just one emotion at a time. There is no wrong way, if you can only handle horrified right now- T will have to respect that.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by googley

((((((((Jexa))))))))

Please take slow deep breaths. You are doing so well in T talking about all this, but it can leave us all frazzled afterwords. Have you talked with your T about coping mechanisms for when you feel this way? Don't you usually have T on Friday? Did you have T early this week, or is this left over from last session? Can you give T a call or email to let her know how bad it is? You can beat this feeling. Can you think of telling it to go in a box until next session when you can talk about it some more? Please take gentle care of yourself.

Hi googley,

This is left over from session on Friday.. I am still thinking about it.. it's still repeating in my head and who else in the freaking world can I talk to? No one else in the whole world knows about this..

T is out of town this week. I don't see her again until May 7 which just seems SO FAR AWAY. I just can't call T. I just can't. She doesn't exactly encourage phone calls, either.

And I try to put it away but it seems to jump in and out of the box I put it in... when it jumps out of the box it is just like a shock to my whole system.. I just hate the word stuck in my head this way.. it is just such a horrible word..

[caring_whiterose]

((((jexa))). First I wanted to say you are a very strong person. It is very very hard to talk about things. Take your time and use self care. With time it will be easier to talk about. I am very sorry what you had to go through. Please be safe.

Originally Posted by jexa

So I started telling T about the SA when I was 8.. And how I was so sheltered I had no idea what it was at ALL until middle school.. that I didn't even know what sex was, or where babies came from, or anything at all like that..

Ohh my gosh my heart is pounding right now but I just need to freaking talk..

Last session, T asked about how it felt when I learned what sex was, and when I learned what it was that had happened to me when I was 8.. and all I could say was, "Horrified." It was, it was awful, all the meaning of what I had heard about sex (it's bad, don't do it) from church and from everyone all the sudden collided with my memories and I realized that what happened was sex.. I realized, I did that. I did that before.

She wanted to know what else I felt but I just couldn't couldn't couldn't.

And now the word "horrified" has been repeating in my head over and over.. it is awful.. I just hate this..

[googley]

Jexa-
I'm sorry your T is away right now. That does seem like such a long time. Did she leave you with anyone to contact, someone who is covering her practice while she is away? Would listening to her voice mail message be helpful? I've found that useful when my T has been away before. Have you looked at the coping strategies on the SI board yet? Maybe one of them will look like it would be good to try. I don't know if this is true, but I picture you as an outdoorsy person. If this is true is there any way you can get outside and enjoy nature? (hopefully there is good weather where you are.) Please keep posting if it helps. Is there anyone you can call/contact just to say that you are having a hard time but not what it is about? I know sometimes that helps me.

You are so strong to be able to start talking about this. I'm sorry that your T went away right after you started. That is really bad T timing. She should have known better. You will get through this. You are so strong.

I'm going out of town shortly, until late Friday night, but I will think of you when I am away. I will check in when I get back. I didn't want you to think that I was ignoring your posts.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by jexa

all the meaning of what I had heard about sex

(it's bad, don't do it)

from church and from everyone all the sudden collided with my memories and I realized that what happened was sex..

I realized, I did that. I did that before.

Jexa, I'm so sorry . You must feel so guilty? Of course you know that you were put in that position and you didn't ask for it. I'll bet your brain knows that but your feelings are a different story.

You have probably been walking around with these thoughts and feelings in your head since middle school.

I'm glad that you are letting them out now. I'm sorry that it is hard.

[jexa]

Googley, she didn't tell me if she'd be checking her voicemail but she uses a work cell as her office phone so I bet she's checking it where she is. I don't want to bother her because she is in Ohio taking care of her father who has Alzheimer's and they are trying to sort some things out up there. It's not her fault things were paced this way.. it was sort of my decision to at least talk about it some on Friday, although I'm not sure she realized how huge this disclosure was as I have been to many therapists and she is the first I was able to tell this to.

As far as coping, I looked through some things on the SI board and have been trying to come up with my own. Like I love to cook, so last night I spent some time cooking something different. Tonight chocolate ice cream is my coping mechanism.. also watching shows on Netflix Instant (Arrested Development!!). Also, the night I am supposed to see T, I am sleeping over at a friend's house and we are going to make music. I am finally making a good friend - she is from work. The next morning I am going to the Autism Speaks walk in our area. So.. I am keeping busy.

It just sucks because through all the busy-ness I keep thinking about this and it just makes me want to cry but I don't want to cry and have everyone wanting to know what's wrong and all that. I don't want to call anyone to tell them I am having a hard time, it will just make me feel worse to burden someone in that way.. at least the people here chose to read this.. you know?

Sannah.. yes, guilt, guilt.. and shame, self-disgust and loathing...

I'm just so MAD about middle school and EVERYTHING that went wrong then!

Not only this, finding out this.. but also being SA by my grandfather (milder than this but still), adjusting to public school after being homeschooled all through elementary school, getting teased daily, no friends, parents fighting/domestic violence, brother getting in trouble for drugs, being unable to stand up for myself even to my little sisters, who scratched and hit me and even held knives to me.. being older doesn't mean you are spared.. My all A grades turned to F's in middle school, when I threatened suicide in 8th grade.. the guidance counselor called the police who had me handcuffed in the front office..

Just everything in middle school was horrendous and I basically haven't been the same since.

[Sannah]

Jexa, I'm so sorry that middle school was so tough. That would be really hard to go from home schooling to middle school. Middle school is tough enough as it is. Being unable to stand up to your sisters. That sounds really hard too.

I'm sorry that you are having self loathing and disgust.

[REEG]

As far as coping, I looked through some things on the SI board and have been trying to come up with my own. Like I love to cook, so last night I spent some time cooking something different. Tonight chocolate ice cream is my coping mechanism.. also watching shows on Netflix Instant (Arrested Development!!). Also, the night I am supposed to see T, I am sleeping over at a friend's house and we are going to make music. I am finally making a good friend - she is from work. The next morning I am going to the Autism Speaks walk in our area. So.. I am keeping busy.

"Jexa- awesome job! What a lot of great coping strategies. Please, take a moment and recognize what you have done to get through this rocky time. Not sure if you can relate, but I often put MORE pressure on myself when I feel something intensely, especially if it is "past stuff'. "

It just sucks because through all the busy-ness I keep thinking about this and it just makes me want to cry but I don't want to cry and have everyone wanting to know what's wrong and all that. I don't want to call anyone to tell them I am having a hard time, it will just make me feel worse to burden someone in that way.. at least the people here chose to read this.. you know?

"I can SO relate, I'm kinda there right now too. But you know, it isn't true. I went to a funeral on Tuesday for a man who was only 24 who killed himself, he felt SO ALONE. The sad thing is that there were 300 plus people who turned out. It's easy to close ourselves off from support. I'm glad you can find it here on PC< maybe you can get just a little IRL too? "

Sannah.. yes, guilt, guilt.. and shame, self-disgust and loathing...

I'm just so MAD about middle school and EVERYTHING that went wrong then!

Not only this, finding out this.. but also being SA by my grandfather (milder than this but still), adjusting to public school after being homeschooled all through elementary school, getting teased daily, no friends, parents fighting/domestic violence, brother getting in trouble for drugs, being unable to stand up for myself even to my little sisters, who scratched and hit me and even held knives to me.. being older doesn't mean you are spared.. My all A grades turned to F's in middle school, when I threatened suicide in 8th grade.. the guidance counselor called the police who had me handcuffed in the front office..

Just everything in middle school was horrendous and I basically haven't been the same since.[/quote]

"Sounds like you have a lot to be mad about- when the feelings get so intense, it's helpful to remember, the feelings are REAL and Important, just not from right now."

You are brave, and by sharing your struggles today have helped me to feel less alone. Keep it up, there are many standing with you!

[jexa]

Thanks (((REEG))).. I know people would probably be fine supporting me but it makes me feel worse to ask for it, so why bother if I'm just going to feel so bad about myself for being weak or whatever?

Today a girl at work disclosed that she had experienced SA in the past.

She was so casual about it.. in a conversation, we happened to somehow land on the topic of people being out of control of their behavior, and someone mentioned pedophiles, and she was just like, "Oh, yeah in the past I experienced CSA" just like it was no big deal. She was saying how even though she went through whatever she didn't hate pedophiles.. I just can't believe she just out and said she had been SA! I was like and I just turned my head. A part of me wanted to disclose but I am WAY too raw for that. Now I am all triggered again.. why does this keep coming up, all around me?

Maybe I don't want support because I honestly don't want people to try to talk to me about it. I don't want people to ask about it later, I don't want to get triggered! I have enough triggers all around me every day! I don't want to add more!

I'm doing my best but I WISH that girl hadn't said that today! Now my tics/OCD are flaring up like crazy.. I have been twitching like an insane person and repeating words to myself.. I feel like I'm going nutso.

[dfh932]

(((((jexa)))))) I amn thinking about you and hoping you are okay. I don't have good words for you, except that you are not alone and what you have been through is horrific

[REEG]

Jexa- Oh boy, can I releate! When someone else discloses or I am triggered, it just seems like all of a sudden I am this big ball of emotion and vulnerability and need and everyone just KNOWS ick ick ick..

On the shame of even NEEDING anything, let alone even ASKING, and certainly dealing with tics/ OCD. Pain in the butt, aren't they?? Most days I 'pass' with my tics, but sometimes they fire right up and there is no way to hide- hate that!!

So, still thinking of you. Sending support and caring your way.

[jexa]

Thanks dfh

And REEG, you have Tourette's? My doc can't figure out if my twitches are compulsions or tics, because I have head-jerks but usually there's a thought I'm "shaking away." It's not like I choose to do it though or could stop if I try - I also have other twitches in my legs and feet that never have anything to do with thoughts but always get much worse when I'm anxious. Thing is, I didn't really have these that much until the last couple of years, and Tourette's doesn't have adult onset usually. Sometimes I have what feels to me like a phonic tic, too - I say syllables like "ch" or "t." But then other times I have to say things in response to my repetitive thoughts, like I'll get caught saying a random word like yesterday it was "minimizing," and I think that's OCD.

It's weird. This never used to happen to me until the last year or two!

[granite1]

i have no real words that i can say but i know and hugs if it is ok

[Sannah]

[googley]

(((((Jexa))))))

I'm so glad that you came up with so many awesome coping strategies. They are so good. You are taking care of yourself. Something that should have been done before (by your parents) but was not. We have to teach ourselves how to take care of ourselves because we don't have models to learn from.

I am often surprised how nonchalantly people can talk about abuse histories because in my family it was taboo and so I find it really hard to talk about my own. So it is somewhat offsetting when someone else just talks about it. But don't think that means that you have to talk about yours. Just because someone else discloses doesn't mean that you have to. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry that your OCD is acting up. I know you said before that your OCD was really bad before you started therapy and then you worked at them near the beginning. Are there any methods that you used then that might help reduce the compulsions now?

[WePow]

((((( Jexa )))) Sorry I did not get to read this until today. Man... what a week :-(

But the muscle twitches - I was getting those when I started my trauma work. T said it was part of the PTSD in my case because it only happens when I am highly triggered.

Mushroom Agaricus Blazei - THAT stops my twitching.
http://www.amazon.com/Mushroom-Science-Agaricus-blazei-VegiCaps/dp/B00028M1GQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1271105829&sr=8-2

http://www.native.com.br/v2e/produtos/download/ingles-agaricus.pdf

Jexa, also big hugs for you and hope that you are doing ok right now.

[jexa]

Thanks for the hugs, granite and Sannah

googley, Yes I think the reason I was triggered is I felt like I had to disclose, too, but then I didn't/couldn't, but by then thoughts about it were already swirling in my head.

The techniques to reduce compulsions are thinking the thoughts on purpose that make them happen, over and over until they stop making me twitch. I guess I could do that but I don't want to think the scary thoughts on purpose..

WePow, thanks for the suggestion! Maybe I will get some of that! I am trying to find more natural ways of healing.. I am trying yoga, different vitamins and minerals.. hopefully this will aid my mental health..