How to reframe a relationship????

geez · Nov 02, 2010, 12:16 PM

In T today we talked about my feelings about my mom and what that was like for me growing up. My homework is to figure out what I want for a relationship with my mom. What I want that to look like and T will help me get what I want. I can't put on my list: What I wish she was like for me growing up

. I'm not sure what I want. I'm still in the middle of feeling this sadness. Is there anyone out there who has done this? And if so how did you process/come to terms with what you want?

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Sannah · Nov 02, 2010, 02:19 PM

Are you sure that the homework's purpose is for you in the end to get what you want from your mom? From my experience and from what I have heard from others is that our dysfunctional mothers are incapable of changing. Mine never changed. What helped me is that I healed myself and learned how to meet my own needs and/or get the help of healthy others, who I allowed into my life, to help me meet my needs.

geez · Nov 02, 2010, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you sure that the homework's purpose is for you in the end to get what you want from your mom?

The purpose if 'I get it' is for me to reframe what I think my relationship could look like now (or what I would like it to look like) instead of focusing on what I didn't get in the past. hmmm perhaps I should send my T an email to ask for clarification to make sure 'I get it'.

Miracle1986 · Nov 02, 2010, 03:02 PM

I really have no sound advice because we are currently in a similar situation with my core's mother.
I wish you all the best on your journey of discovery.

lynn P. · Nov 02, 2010, 03:30 PM

I think we also need to know more about how your relationship is at the moment - meaning are you in contact with her or are you estranged? The other posters made a good point, that it might not be possible to have a relationship with a dysfunctional parent. In that case you woud need to decide whether or not to continue or sever contact.

If you do want contact - it might be helpful if you look at your mother just a woman and not a mother. Chances are she also may have been abused when she was a child or she might be mentally ill herself - this changes your perspective and you'll then be able to see her as a 'wounded woman' who needs help. When you view her from this point of view, simply as a human being - you might feel less intimidated by the whole concept.

purple_fins · 04:51 PM

I also had a neglectful mother(and father, for that matter) which resulted in not only being the subject of unfair treatment but horrific trauma and abuse as well.

I've done just what our ever so wise Lynn has said

---
I don't think of "her" as my mother but just as a woman that I happen to know. I learned how so very damaged she is due to her own childhood. She is mentally ill and unable to have a mother-daughter relationship-- ever. So I'm done barking up that tree-- it's never going to happen.

I think the "reframing" has to come from within yourself and not involve the other person if that person is too ill/damaged to comply/understand your feeings and hopes.

I don't know if you've heard of the book-- "Will I Ever be Good Enough; healing daughters of narcissistic mothers"..... within this book you may find validation and coping abilities like I did.

I wish you much healing and understanding.

My PM is always open if you need to reach out.

fins

geez · Nov 02, 2010, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

What helped me is that I healed myself and learned how to meet my own needs and/or get the help of healthy others, who I allowed into my life, to help me meet my needs.

Sannah this something I need to work on.... meeting my own needs and having others in my life to help meet my needs (now I have my T and my husband).

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I think we also need to know more about how your relationship is at the moment - meaning are you in contact with her or are you estranged?

If you do want contact - it might be helpful if you look at your mother just a woman and not a mother. Chances are she also may have been abused when she was a child or she might be mentally ill herself - this changes your perspective and you'll then be able to see her as a 'wounded woman' who needs help. When you view her from this point of view, simply as a human being - you might feel less intimidated by the whole concept.

When I do see her I am triggered usually and I'm waiting for 'the ax to fall' and want to hide if she says something or exhibits behavior that is triggering for me. If I severed the relationship I would feel a loss of the past and what she never was to me. Either way there's pain.

Right now I see my mom once a month sometimes two times a month. We get together so she can visit with the grandkids. On occasion if I am desperate and feel lonely I will call her to see if she wants to go shopping -- that of course leads to me being embarrassed or hurt at some point during the outing and I want to hide.

I think seeing her as a woman and not a mother could be helpful. My mom was never comforting or affectionate for me ever. She is a cold hard person in general and if I asked for comfort it was 'toughen up' and yelling that I received as a child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I also had a neglectful mother(and father, for that matter) which resulted in not only being the subject of unfair treatment but horrific trauma and abuse as well.

I've done just what our ever so wise Lynn has said

---
I don't think of "her" as my mother but just as a woman that I happen to know. I learned how so very damaged she is due to her own childhood. She is mentally ill and unable to have a mother-daughter relationship-- ever. So I'm done barking up that tree-- it's never going to happen.

I think the "reframing" has to come from within yourself and not involve the other person if that person is too ill/damaged to comply/understand your feelings and hopes.

I don't know if you've heard of the book-- "Will I Ever be Good Enough; healing daughters of narcissistic mothers"..... within this book you may find validation and coping abilities like I did.

I wish you much healing and understanding.

My PM is always open if you need to reach out.

fins

I'm so conflicted right now. Why does this have to hurt so much. I keep her in my life and the pain is there... I don't keep her in my life and the pain is there.

My T told me that me reliving the past hurts is letting my mom hurt me all over again. I agree but how do I get through this? I don't want to live my life feeling this way. I so desperately want peace.

On the subject of reframing the relationship I too think that reframing has to come from within myself. I'm not sure what that means yet. My mom is not capable of being able to 'participate'.

My T told me she is afraid I'm going be stuck and I'm working hard as much as these feelings SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fins thank you for the book recommendation. I may check it out. My T gave me a book to read and it triggered the hell out of me. I couldn't read it

.

Thank you all for your ideas. I'm going to be either calling my T or sending her an email to clarify what I think she means by reframing to make sure my expectations for 'reframing' are doable.

Sannah · Nov 03, 2010, 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

I'm so conflicted right now. Why does this have to hurt so much. I keep her in my life and the pain is there... I don't keep her in my life and the pain is there.

My T told me that me reliving the past hurts is letting my mom hurt me all over again. I agree but how do I get through this? I don't want to live my life feeling this way. I so desperately want peace.

My T told me she is afraid I'm going be stuck and I'm working hard as much as these feelings SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmmm, my understanding is that you heal by expressing these past hurts in therapy - finally letting them all out - and then, feeling less wounded, you can then handle your mother better/place good boundaries.

geez · Nov 03, 2010, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hmmmmm, my understanding is that you heal by expressing these past hurts in therapy - finally letting them all out - and then, feeling less wounded, you can then handle your mother better/place good boundaries.

I guess my T is worried that I will be stuck on these sad feelings. One could say I have expressed these hurts. I'm sorry if I'm not explaining things very well. I'm all over the place in my head right now trying to find a way to make sense of this and finding the escape hatch.

Sannah · Nov 03, 2010, 07:03 AM

Does her being worried about you being stuck cause you to hold back and not really express all of these feelings or make you feel that it isn't okay to have these feelings?

geez · Nov 03, 2010, 07:05 AM

This is what I sent to my T and we are going to discuss on Tuesday...

Hi T,
I need a little help wrapping my brain around the concept of reframing my relationship with my mom and what that means to reframe.

She cannot be an active participant – knowingly.
I have to think of my mom in a different context as painful as it is. I can’t expect her to be more to me than a person (not a mom) as sad as I feel about that.

I don’t know if I can come to terms with this. I so desperately want peace.

Right now I see my mom one – two times a month. One time for her to visit with the grandkids and on occasion if I’m desperate and alone I will call her to see if she wants to go shopping – I spend time with her having this unrealistic expectation that we can be ‘close’ and I end up hurting again and say to myself– What the Hell Where You Thinking??????(feelings from the past come up). If I didn’t have my mom in my life at all there would be some level of peace I suppose but then all hope is lost for having any connection with her as painful as it is…. and Yet I feel like I’m driving myself crazy with the past hurts.

What I want for a relationship with her I will never have. What I have now is all I will ever have and I guess I need to come to terms with that.

Can you please help me find a direction for where to start on this?? Does any of what I’m saying make sense?? I feel that what I want will never match up to what she can offer. This is so hard. I feel like I’m mourning my ‘relationship’ with her.

If you aren’t into responding via email please call me if you can.

Thanks.
Geez

lynn P. · Nov 03, 2010, 01:04 PM

((geez)) -try to be patient with yourself on this. It took a long time for all these feelings to build up and some of this shaped how you are today, so this can't be solved too quickly. Plus it's difficult because you're working on this from your end only without the cooperation/acknowledgment of your mother.

Does your mother know how you feel?

geez · Nov 03, 2010, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Does your mother know how you feel?

TY Lynn - my mom doesn't know how I feel. I don't think she could handle it. It would drive her crazy (not that she isn't already) or it would drive me crazy because her memory is drastically different than mine and she would deny everything which would only cause me more pain. I did speak up to her once before my wedding and she didn't talk to me for a year - everything I said she denied even when I had witnesses to her behaviors. As recently as a few months back she told my husband that as a child I was very easy and never needed to be spanked/punished etc.. (of course the beatings for no reason seemed to slip her mind in addition to other forms of abuse). My T and I discussed this and the theory is she needs to tell herself this to create her own reality for some mental peace of sorts or self protection if you will.

I don't want my to try to involve my mom at all. I can only see that making things worse. At least now I can 'visit' with her.

jazzy123456 · Nov 03, 2010, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

I'm not sure what I want. I'm still in the middle of feeling this sadness. Is there anyone out there who has done this? And if so how did you process/come to terms with what you want?

I've never done that before geez but, you did say you are in the middle of feeling sadness---so maybe it'd be helpful for you to process as much of that sadness before you move forward...write that out...write out how it makes you feel, how she made you feel...maybe that would lead you into writing about what you want...because how can you know what you want if you don't know how you feel?? Although, I think what you did through your replying was kinda what I was talking about. just a suggestion.! the hardest thing sometimes in life, is realizing that we can't change people and some people never change...our source of empowerment has to come from the fact that we can change ourselves---into better, stronger, healthier, people...people interested in healing the innermost parts of us. sending lots of support your way

--JAZZY

geez · Nov 03, 2010, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Does her being worried about you being stuck cause you to hold back and not really express all of these feelings or make you feel that it isn't okay to have these feelings?

It makes me feel that it isn't okay to have these feelings. I told my T this in session and she told me that she pushed me a little to soon but.... she doesn't want me to stay stuck. I believe my T does care but I also feel like she needed to back off.

Sannah · Nov 05, 2010, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

It makes me feel that it isn't okay to have these feelings. I told my T this in session and she told me that she pushed me a little to soon but.... she doesn't want me to stay stuck. I believe my T does care but I also feel like she needed to back off.

Telling a client that you are worried that they are going to get stuck before they even processed any feelings about this very big issue doesn't seem right to me. I beg to differ if she thinks that you can heal without processing ALL of these feelings in therapy.

geez · Nov 05, 2010, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Telling a client that you are worried that they are going to get stuck before they even processed any feelings about this very big issue doesn't seem right to me. I beg to differ if she thinks that you can heal without processing ALL of these feelings in therapy.

hmmmm you have me thinking. Perhaps my T isn't worth her pay?