Dear abuser;

Dear abuser,

I remember what you did, How could you?

Dear abuser... You raised me when there was no one else, but you took advantage of that and used me to fulfill the regret with how you raised my mother. She may have died from bad choices, but you forced me to make your choices and I never had a say, now I can't have a say without being paranoid. You may have taught me to be scared and helpless, and I may still depend on you at times, but I will not repeat the cycle. I will not be you. I will not control everyone the way you showed me. I will be me.

Dear abuser... You gave me one of the brightest lights in my life. I swell with love when I see her face, and tear up when I see your smile cross it. I never forget the pain, the fear, when you choked me, when you did more... That never goes away. Nor does the paranoia, the fear that everyone will be the same as you, lull me into a peaceful bliss and tear it down over and over like you did. I can't pass those fears, and they still hurt me to this day.Though, I spend every day trying to keep you from harming yourself and every conversation brings back such a different tone in your voice, brings back the anger and hatred. But I continue, for her, because even if you can't help yourself, she deserves a father in her life. You ****ed me up, that is for sure. It's getting harder now, too, to continue without help. To convince myself I moved on and I succeeded in working past the damage you caused. I haven't. Yet. But I will. Dear abuser, I will move on and I will grow and I will learn to trust and love again because **** you, I survived. I stopped it before the damage crippled me and I can still come back. I will come back. And maybe one day, I can help you come back too.

dear abuser, Sometimes I feel as though I'm strong enough to battle anything, but you hurt me. you ruined any chance of happiness. now im looked at as a freak. I don't have a sense of love anymore.
you were my parents at one point..did you ever love me? I can say I loved you. did you ever hug me? cuz I never remember one hug. no one tucked me in, no one cared...and still no one cares. dad, you are and always have been an abusive alcoholic drug addict, though to this day you continue to deny it all. mom, you hit me too! how could you? even after I said I wanted to be EXACTLY like you! well now I don't want anything to do with you or my dad...or my stepdad. you sat and watched him beat me up, cuss at me, throw me against the wall and insult me...hold me down on the ground and force himself on me, you watche dit all and took some sick pleasure in it and never did anything to help me!!!!!!! you said I was a mistake, you never wanted me. so its my fault? and I deserve it? I don't understand any of this, I don't know what to do and none of you are helping me because YOU DONT CARE!!! :'(

dear abuser, I babysat your adorable kids to get away from the terror I lived day by day at my home. I trusted you were there for me, to stand up for me, to protect me. I told you everything. how my parents hit me, yelled at me, beat me to the ground and kicked me, pushed me, sexually, physically, and mentally abused me...and you raped me....how could you?!?! I was 11!! I thought of you as my daddy!!
then you lied until the test proved you wrong. I cant trust anyone anymore personally. it hurts me to think about you, but it seems now that every single day I think about you anyway. I feel sick, useless and have tried to kill myself countless times. im 16 now. I hope you know I blame myself for everything that you did to me. its all my fault. thanks a lot! I hate you! I really really hate you :'(
Here I am sitting telling complete strangers about my life because im hopeless...no one can help me. there's no point in trying anymore right? I mean im only 16, I haven't lived that long, but I feel like life is going to be a living nightmare if I keep living this way...I cant do it anymore. I cant kill myself...im too much a wimp to do that, but idk what to do! is it een possible for me to be happy ever again??

OMG! IM SO SORRY, THE LAST MESSAGE WAS A REAL TRIGGER!! I forgot! I'm so sorry if it hurt anyone...oh, I feel bad now!

CGC12345, I'M SO SORRY. I didn't mean to trigger you or ant one else. I'm so sorry

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I was talking about mine being a trigger...I forgot the sign...sorry....

Oh ok. I'm sorry

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My therapist had me write this letter to help me make sense of all the feelings I have surrounding the abuse. It took me a while, but I was eventually able to make some semblance of my emotions and realize the impact it had on my life. I knew it had effected me, but it was a jumbled mess in my head...

To start this letter off I want to say “F**K YOU”.

I wish you were still alive so I could unleash my anger upon you, so I could humiliate you in front of your family and friends, so I could take legal action against you. I hate that you suffered nothing while you were on this earth. You traumatized me at such a tender age and evoked such shame, such guilt. You left me feeling hopeless and dirty.

You stole my vulnerability, my enchantment, my sparkle. You took what was supposed to be my joyous childhood. For God’s sake, I was a little girl who liked playing with dolls, playing dress up, roller-skating, going to the park and all the things little girls do. YOU took this away from me. Instead, during those years, you took me to hiding places just so you could touch me and do other unspeakable acts. You made me believe that all that happened to me was my fault.

You framed who I became emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. You played off my shyness. I became a withdrawn little girl and then a quiet, withdrawn adult.

My life has been one big struggle. You left me feeling worthless; unworthy of love from others, unworthy of loving myself. I will always struggle to trust, to love, to accept that someone loves me just for being me.

I still struggle with trusting others, letting them get close to me. Because of you I often feel like giving up. You didn't just molest my body; you molested my heart, my mind, my soul, my life. I’m still picking up the pieces of the life you shattered.

There has been so much pain in my life. Beginning in my teen years I began causing injury to myself, trying to relieve that pain, a pain so intense I have wanted to take my life on many occasions. I felt I didn't belong, that there was no place I could go to, either physically or in my mind, where I could feel OK with myself.

You took what I can never get back. You took my innocence, my childhood. My first kiss should have been exciting. My first time with a man should have been full of excitement and pleasure. These should have been a memorable experiences. But an old man took that away from me, YOU took that away from me.

At the times I reached those ages, when I should have had those experiences, I had already had them. And the only memories I have are your repulsive mouth and hands touching me, your disgusting p****s trying to enter me and other hideous acts you made me do.

You made me believe it was my fault, that I wanted and liked what you did to me. But you also told me that if I said anything to anyone no one would believe me and that God would send me to Hell. You left me so confused. I didn't like it, but I believed you.

There are voices screaming inside my head; how shameful I felt, how hopeless I was, how guilty I was and how sad and lonely I was. The voice told me how insignificant I was, that if only I was better, if only I had been a good girl, if only… There are no excuses or justifications for what you did. You have wreaked havoc on my life.

As much as I wanted to have a relationship with a man, it terrified me. You taught me that sex was about a man’s pleasure and a woman’s place was to just take it.

As I got older there was still something inside me that felt the need to find a relationship. But as hard as I tried to find a man to love and who would love me, I always ended the relationships when they became too intimate. Filling this need grew to be too much and I stopped. Unknowingly, I developed an eating disorder as I hit puberty. It took me years to realize that I did this so I would be unattractive to men.

My heart is broken because I will probably never marry, I will never have children, I will never have the joy of seeing my children grow and succeed, I will never know true unconditional love and I will never know the life I could have had. I am beyond heartbroken because I will never know what my life’s purpose should have been. You stole that from me.

I have always doubted myself. I have never trusted my decisions. I have been fearful of change. I have never had confidence in myself. I am so incredibly sad that my life is filled with fear, distrust, loneliness, with guilt, shamefulness and so many other damaging emotions.

As you are burning in Hell for what you did to me, do you remember what you did, what you made me do? Do you think about how all that you did to me affected my life? Do you see that I don’t have the life I had wished for? Do you realize that the very first time you touched me change the course of my life, my history forever.

The day you died was not sorrowful, it was a celebration. You are no long able to harm anyone else and you are forced to face the destruction you caused. I hope the pain you feel is, at the very least, as horrific as the pain you have caused me. I hope you feel the fear I felt. Are the searing fires of Hell worth what you did to me? I pray you are suffering the torture you cause me.

My final words to you are … F**K YOU. F**K YOU for all you did to me!!!

Dear abuser,
I was 3 and I have no idea who you are. All you are to me is a cold and hurtful hand. You took me away from myself. You stole my childhood, my memory, my happiness. You are no man. And I pray to God every day that you weren't my dad.

I am left here cleaning up the mess you made. I woke up at 3 with nightmares about you, having had to drink myself to sleep 4 hours earlier to ward off memories of you. I will go to work and feel like the odd one out and come home to my wreck of a marriage where I am called all the things you made me think i am.
Wonderful to see all the greatness in your lives. So happy that you are all well and playing happy family without me.

Dear abuser, I'm finally calling it what it is because what you did to me wasn't normal and it was abuse. I don't blame you for it because I know you weren't able to get the help that you needed. All they did was hit you even though they knew you needed help. I grew up thinking that what you did to me was normal and that what happened happened in families all the time. We just couldn't talk about it but it was perfectly ok. You didn't rape me, you didn't beat me till I was black and blue but what you did to me still affected me. I have been living with PTSD symptoms for so long. I can't feel happy, I can't feel anything, nothing even excites me anymore. I'm so afraid of people that just going out and being around people I love feels like an absolute nightmare. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away because there is nothing worth living for. Now they're saying I made it up, that I'm a liar and that it was just a consensual game but you knew it wasn't. All the times you locked us up, that wasn't consensual. All the times that you hit us, that wasn't consensual. And those other times, just because I didn't know or understand what you were doing, just because I didn't say no and I trusted you, doesn't make it ok. How can you just sit there while they make jokes about what happened to me and say I was lying? You know what happened and you know what you did. How can you just sit there without feeling even an ounce of guilt? I don't want to hate you and yet I can't forgive you. I don't think we will ever be ok. Not until the truth comes out...

Dear abuser,

For a long time I didn't realize that what you were doing wasn't right. You did usually hit me too hard. You didn't usually leave physical bruises, but you left such deep psychological wounds. You were supposed to be the one who protected me, who made sure I was taken care of...you were supposed to make me feel safe. But I don't remember the last time I felt safe around you. You broke me. You treated your other daughter with respect. You babied her. She was your princess....and nothing I ever did was good enough for you. You pitted us against one another.

Abuser, you made me feel like the scum of the earth. You are the biggest reason I hate myself. You told me so many awful things and then denied it. You told me I was worthless, that I was going nowhere in life, that I was a horrible daughter who was just going to mooch off of you for the rest of my life. You made me feel like I shouldn't live anymore. I tried to kill myself because of you. I tried so many times. When you knew I overdosed, you told me that I had and then told me that I better not miss school that day. You didn't even take me to the hospital. You didn't care. You don't care. And that's so hard to know. You're supposed to care...that's what they teach you as a kid, right? That mommy and daddy will always care...but sometimes they don't. And I know that now. You have almost let me die too many times.

Abuser, you pulled me out of therapy because you didn't "see any difference" and said it wasn't helping me, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. You see things in me that you can't admit about yourself and you need help.

Even now nothing has changed. Even as an adult I haven't escaped you. Abuser, I don't know when I will finally get out, but when I do, I am done. You will have lost me. You will have lost your eldest daughter through no fault but your own. I can't say that I hate you now...because I don't care that much anymore. I just want you done.

You,

I've grown up hating what you did. Hating your hands and your body and all the things you did but for so long, I didn't hate you. As a child, I'd tell myself you didn't know it was wrong so I couldn't hate you. Instead of hating you, I hated what you did. I hated myself for it. I still hate myself. Now, I hate you too. You let everybody think that it was my fault - that I was a liar. I told and you played the innocent victim. That's what I hate you for. As well as hurting you. I could live with all the things you did, if you would have manned up and owned up to what you did. You took everything from me - my innocence, my youth, my happiness, even hope. And you couldn't even give me that - the truth.

I'm not actively angry any more. I'm just waiting for the day that life bites you on the arse and my god, I hope it's soon.

My life's been in tatters because of you. I got depressed, I cut myself. I even overdosed to try and get rid of all of this. You drove me to all this. You and that monster you left inside my head. I screwed up sixth form, anxiety controls me and I don't know where my life's taking me but I know i'm not staying here forever. I'm going - I'm changing my name and I'm not looking back. You may have stolen this life but you're not stealing my new one.

Do you know what you made me feel? How dirty I was? I was a child. And you, you were my brother. You tell people that and they judge you. They judge you because people had sex with you when you were too young to know any different and because of who did it. They think "Oh, it's one of t h o s e families.

I'm done with you and all your monsters.

Massive trigger below WARNING



Dear abuser,
U were supposed to be my father and care about me and protect me. Instead u beat me and held me down and visited me in the dark if night. U blamed me for everything bad. And u found solace in my pain and at the bottom of the bottle. I have dreams in the night and while awake of how I would bring u to ur end. It won't be fast. I will read everything I ever wrote and tell u all my memories. U deny ever hurting me so I will cause u all the pain.

Dear abuser,
U were to protect me from him ur pedophile husband, but instead u made sure I was between u and him. When I tell u he said since he couldn't readily get it from u he'd get it from me, U WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME!!!! U r as guilty as he and u will have long term pain caused by me.

Oh yeah u also used me to save my twin never caring how I was. U never have a S**T. She told u no she was ready to die yet u forcibly. Tortured her with 16yrs of slow painful death.

Dear abuser,
U were supposed to be my friend on base. When a female goes to the bathroom it is NOT an invitation for u to follow and do as u wish. U I never got to comfort. U died in a war zone, u didn't suffer enough.

To all my abusers,
mom, you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did. Dad, you didn't mean to ignore me but you did. You took away the chance to grow in a loving home, filled with peace, not violence. You took away the chance for me to sleep, having sweet dreams, not nightmares.
First bf, you took my virginity, you raped me. I wanted to hate you for that but I couldn't. I was just innocent, just wanting love, not rape. I forgave you and always tried to make it right, I wanted to be married to the person I lost my virginity to. I thought I loved you, that's why I thought I had to forgive you. I shouldn't have stayed with you, but you made me feel used and worthless in the eyes of god.
Cop abuser,
I was at an all time low. I had tried to commit suicide. You deserve to have punishment, for taking me at a time I felt so vulnerable. You were over 12 years older than me, and you just took advantage of me while you were in uniform. I almost could have lost my life that night.
Ex h.
You are the most despicable human being on the planet. You called me the worst things in the world that anyone could say. You hit me because of your own lies and I tried to see your cellphone. You pushed me, spat on me, enabled me to self harm, watched me almost die from alcohol and pills, told me to go ahead you ****** **** take your pills!!, I want to hate you for using me for so many years, and turning the hate on me, as though I was guilty. I am not. I tried to love you and keep our marriage together.

Its not hard to hate the abusers, but its not good for me either. I don't know what other emotion to feel, other than anger for not having the life I could have had.
I now know, I have no choice but to let go of the pain, and stop feeling the pain because of people that made wrong choices. And forgive. Its for me. Not for you. I forgive you because I will not hold onto bitterness any longer. It has taken enough of my life, almost all of it, and no more time is given to any of you in my head, in my life, I will move on without the feelings I have given to you. I take back my life. It is mine.