Dear abuser;

Dear abuser,

You pretended to be my father. But really you were a devil. I hated you so much. I couldn't wait for you to die. I wanted to dance on your grave. But you know what? By the time your death came. I was so over you. You don't deserve my love and you don't deserve my hate. Because if I hated you it would mean you still had control over me. Now you just mean nothing to me. You cease to exist in my mind and in my heart. I am not angry, or hurt, or hateful. You just aren't that important enough in my life. You are not worth my hate. I reserve my hate for those that I still care about. And I do not care about you. I'd
say goodbye, but frankly, I already did. A long time ago, long before you died.

DEAR ABUSER

Your legs are skinny. Your skin is ashen. You’ve shaved your head now because you can’t be bothered with the grey. You have appointments twice a week at the hospital now. Plus a special diet. And are tired and nauseated all the time. All of the medications don’t seem to help at all. It’s been about 3 months since the surgery and transplant.

Yet you are still a miserable old angry black man. I hate how that sounds so f***ing clichéd. You still cuss out my mom. You still expect everyone to laud at your feet. You’re still arguing with everyone. You’re still ignoring everyone. You’re still a control freak with fixations on a whole pile of random, self-absorbed stuff – including a lot of “selective” reminiscing of the past; grocery store rages; fixing things around the house in inadequate ways as opposed to putting them to rest/getting an expert to fix it properly; and long-winded conspiracy theories that boil down to hating every one else ESPECIALLY BLACK PEOPLE.

But Notablackbarbie, why does this still bother you? You are 25 years old now. An adult. And should be functional on your own…

…Actually it is too late for me, nothing has changed. The anger, shame, guilt, ant hate is still there. The slamming doors are still happening. The fights about money and possessions – I pay the bills!! Well it’s MY HOUSE AND YOU ARE JUST **** STINKING UP THE PLACE!!! My sister escapes outwards. She is rarely in the house. Which also leads to more angry rambling about how worthless my mom is as well as how much of a f***up my sister is – wasting money/doing drugs/playing around with absolute foolishness.

Before I thought I used to do so much to try to make everything/everyone better. My motto was PERFECTION OR DEATH. My people pleasing/keep the peace format means I didn’t and don’t escape still and can never get away, despite more awareness. I am now too guilty and evil to leave you and mom when you both are so sick (you after surgery, mom on disability). I am forever a bad daughter. I get it. I am a screwup – as you’ve always said. I have failed. I am worthless.

Was that everything? No. There were still some nice times. Report cards called me pleasant, a delight, and bright. Looking back does bring up some happy moments. I look around and have read also that abuse exists with secrets – including isolating away from everything and everyone else. Other family members just bother “us”, so we’re not going to “waste time” going to “another damn party”. I work with children now and notice that they are close to family and friends in some way. Drama still happens. S*** will still go down. But the love/bonds/connections are ever present.

Thank you and F*** you. Thank you for your suffocating and demanding influence on my life. F*** you for all the ways the rage and beatings blinded me now from connecting with anyone. I am forever stained – the dirt was never beaten out, just ground in further. Thank you for instilling paranoia and judgment and fear of everyone. F*** you for establishing so much shame and guilt forever for just existing. Thank you for making me appear cold, standoffish, stoosh, snobby, and a loner as a protective measure so no one sees how bad I am. F*** you for lighting the fuse to so much anger I have, yet so much fear of being close. Thank you for reminding me often of how mistakes are important, I am forever behind and stupid, and just so wrong. F** you too for your hate penetrating my nightmares, and every other part of my being to the point where I am just hopelessly irresponsible, powerless, and pathetic.

I am Notablackbarbie. I work in two amazing programs with children. I am pointless. I get hugs and smiles from them throughout the day. I am selfish. I also go to school still – now at university after finishing college. I am too far behind. I try to follow SHARE – Serenity, Health, Acknowledgement, Respect, Education. I am a fraud. I never want to leave my mom and sister – I have to do more to take care of them. I am inadequate. I do go out – travelling, work, school, socializing with acquaintances. I am repulsive. I get compliments still and am progressing. I am a screwup. There are still possibilities and potential because its life. I am s***.

To you abuser, daddy dearest; as well as family as a whole. I am sorry for never doing or being any better. To everyone else, I am sorry for forever screwing up so f***ing much and am/do so bad. To HIGHER POWER ABOVE (following PC rules), involved in a lot of potential and possibility out there, I am sorry that I am an absolute worthless waste.

Sincerely,

(my name)

******************************

Could I send this out, anywhere??? There is the possibility of beating this into him, HARD, like he did a lot to me I guess. But realistically, I can’t. Nor can I SI/SH, drink, do drugs, escape, obsess, f***, fixate, or redirect this sense of forever being angry, afraid, ashamed to approach at all. T and I mutually agreed to quit because we were just going nowhere (T = “Why?”, Me = “because I am shit”, T = “How?”, Me = “Just look at me…and this is just the tip of the iceberg; the layers inside just get more and more worse…”) So at the end of the day
1. The abuse was right and correct
2. The rest just continued and continue as is.
3. And I am wrong and worthless s***

Thank you all for this space. Sorry for all of the mess above.


ETA:

And of course one/many will read and ask "So why post at all???"...because this thread stayed with me untill i finally said "**** it! i'll pour a lot of it out..."
Anybody got a bucket of bleach i can dunk myself in? Or acid? Something strong enough to burn/dissolve/wash EVERYTHING away until there is NOTHING left and i'm hopefully just all gone.

((((((((((((((((((((notablackbarbie))))))))))))))))))))no! You are a valuable person!

MY BLEACH!------I killed an Everlast Punching Bag ! I murdered a couple of pillows in cold feathers!!!

I used to feel alot like that...No one knew...I hid it well.

You got a punching bag? You can beat all hell outta a post with words here--help a bit?

You are not shiit anymore than any of us are!

Don't "be all gone"? Make the pain, the anger be "all gone"---bathe yourself in the warm glow of the knowledge that YOU SURVIVED--You are perpetually STRONG because you SURVIVED! You are a MIRACLE!!! One day you can reach out to others and maybe make a difference?

You are correct--"Fiick"it!!! Pour away!!! We're all here for YOU! hugs-------theo

You are marvelous
I am useless
You are fabulous
I am pointless
You are full of potential
I am essentially evil
You are amazing
I am wasting everything
You are number ONE
I should just be gone
You are fantastic
I am pathetic
You're creative too
I'm destructive and shouldn't continue
You have grown up and overcome
I am immature and dumb
You are also beautiful
I am horrible
There still are great possibilities for you to do so much
I am hopeless, worthless, and awful mush

Dear Abuser
You taught me well. Alongside your rages and control and misery, you reminded me of yet another important fact. After i am bad, and that i shouldn't bother anyone else with my s***, there is my sister who is number 1. I am forever a screwup and should be gone. My sister IS all of the above as ^YOU^. So seriously, why do i bother continue? I keep grudges and mistakes close and tight inside. It hurts, pushes people away, and leaves me VERY apprehensive and scared of what to do with all of this anger and sadness. Again thank you and f*** you. Thank you for teaching me well on how to continue the cycle, considering all i know about YOUR family history. F*** you for reinforcing in many ways too, directly and indirectly, to me versus everyone else, that i am the worst of all.

Yours Truly,

(my name)

*****************************************

Yep i'm back with more junk. Unloading a lot of this is just leaving me in an empty funk. What is the point after all of this...Seriously, i'd like to know. Its almost 7 am right now and had to unload more of this after another horrible sleep following another mess of a day. I should be getting ready to go to school and work. Why shouldn't i just give up and quit since I'm too far behind, am never enough, will never measure up, can't meet any of the necessary expectations and standards, and am just an overall waste.

Dear Abuser -

I am sorry for being such a bad person. I am blamed and moaned at for the most stupidest things. I'm sorry for being alive. It was your choice to give birth to me. I still have a slight hatred for you. It's like you have two sides to your personality. You have a very nice side and then there is a horrible side. As I type this out, tears are flowing down my cheeks. I guess writing things out can get things off my chest. I understand you might have been treated badly when you was a child but please don't blame it on me. I am innocent. I haven't done anything wrong!!! I can be bad but isn't everyone not perfect? The stuff you said to me have made me upset and even angered me. You have hurt my dad and all this domestic abuse has taught me that I don't want to end up like you. I want to be happy with my boyfriend. I will NEVER treat my children in the future the way you treated me. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. You might think I'm annoying but if I'm so annoying I wish you could just abort me. You do understand bringing up children will be HARD. LIFE isn't simple. It is hard. Many people struggle with issues and you say life is simple. It's not. I am a *****, cow, fat, tramp. Thank you for saying such wonderful names to me! You are such a wonderful mother! You made me feel depressed and you call me all these horrible names and you expect me to be happy!! Well I'm sorry. Of course I'm going to be sad. Plus I am kinda mentally not well. I'm not all doom and gloom. I have a happy side to me. You don't know me personally! You are too quick to judge! I'm sorry to be alive.

Sincerely

A Nobody

(((happycheeks))) I can relate.

((((everyone)))) I am sorry.

goes back in

You are not a nobody, you'll always be a somebody to someone, not just to the abuser.

(((Happycheeks)))

Aww I guess I am a somebody. I felt better after writing all that

Thats good
Just let it all out

some more.

Dear abuser,

I know that you're laughing at me, You have ruined my life, I feel shame and guilt and you feel nothing, I often lay awake at night thinking of the days and nights that you would rape me, You would laugh at me and I was terrified, I am your sister.

I don't know why I feel shame and guilt, I hope one day I can forgive myslf.

More hugs for you

Thanks again to everyone in this thread! Everyone has been SO brave and so courteous and understanding. (((everyone))) you have all been so wonderful. None of you are worthless, none of you are useless and used and none of you are doomed. That's what their actions caused us to believe, in a way to kind of blame it on our selves. We were bad or just not good enough so the abuse took place. We were not smart enough or pretty enough so they didn't want anything to do with us... We shouldn't have been around him when he was drinking and it never would have happened... We are doomed so all the bad things that happen to us happen because that's the way our life is supposed to be. But it's not. None of things have even an ounce of truth in them. As children we are supposed to look up to our parents for guidance, to steer us in the right direction. If we are doing something that we shouldn't be doing, as children it is our PARENTS our GUARDIANS responsibility to guide us and keep us safe. And it is the adults responsibility to not harm anyone especially a child. So whether we were punished in an abusive way or if we were violated in any other way by an adult, we were just children, they had the responsibility not us. It was their choices and it was their responsibility to control the situation and make it safe and secure for us but that did not happen and in no way is not our fault. I just wish it didn't feel like it was but in time hopefully our view on what happened and why will change. (((((everyone))))) thank you again for all of the replies.

((((((((((((((((((((((Purpleflyingmonkeys)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you Purpleflyingmonkeys...
...i guess - after unloading too much - i'm now wondering "What now?" With everything/one/where. Besides, of course alternating autopilot functioning (with a bit of rocking/pacing/fretting) VERSUS curling up in a ball and crying. What do i do now?? What happens now?? What am i after all of this revealed, really??

You're a BEAUTIFUL humanbeing. That's what you are hun! D0n't forget that!

You, as well as all of us, are beautiful incredible people. Those who suffer more than others, are those who care more than others and we are the kind that, if given the chance, could change the world and make it a much better place. We are all wonderful! We just have to remember to tell ourselves that every day. Boy do I know how hard that is...

We've never been able to call out any of them, even in private, not even really to ourselves. Thank you to all of you who are able to. ~ Emma

Dear abuser(s) - (Bullies)

I hope you are happy by calling me names while I was at high school. I am ugly, a ginger and a two faced person. All those school days are long gone. I believed your lies. You really are people who were sad with yourselves. So to express your hurt and sadness. You call me names. I hurt myself because these lies I believed were in my head. I hurt no more! I won't hurt myself because of people or lies. I have realised that I am more than "ugly" and "*****". I am beautiful, friendly and lovely. What do you say to that? I am becoming more positive each day. Thank you to my darling boyfriend and friends on here. I thank God for my boyfriend and people here. My boyfriend thinks I am beautiful. Thankfully, I think I am pretty myself. There's no point to calling people names because these lies are like daggers trying to kill us. Your lies and abuse can take them to a point where they feel like they want to kill themselves. If they did, would you happy with yourselves? I guess not. You would have a heart if you cared for people. So, the past is the past and you can't hurt me anymore. I am healing! I am becoming well each day. I am here to become well again. :-) I am allowed to have sex. I am allowed to have a boyfriend. I have rights! I am allowed to have good friends. I feel like a human again. So take back your insults and look at yourselves! Think about what you say! Just because you have a bad family life or you are bullied. That doesn't mean you have to take it out on others. There are people out there who are trying to get well and they don't need your crap!! I am beautiful! I deserve to be happy! I am a human being. Positiveness is how I should be. Love heals us. Together we can help each other.

From Jenny

P:S: Thanks for making me realise I am beautiful

Dear abuser,

I was a very cute 7 year old. I think you must have thought so, too. But you were wrong, to take advantage of me in the swimming pool and put your hands in places that they didn't belong.

I wonder if you tell yourself that because you were just "touching" you didn't do anything wrong. I often feel that I don't have any right to complain, because it wasn't that bad compared to some person's hardships, and that I should accept that I was lucky the abuse didn't go farther.

Sometimes, when I am least expecting it, I can feel your hands again. When that happens, I become afraid. I feel indecent, like the ***** you told me I was, and I want to hide behind long sweaters and baggy pants and not say a word until nobody even knows I exist.

I did that for a long time. I hated myself. I blamed myself. I told myself that if I had been a better student you wouldn't have done it. I told myself that if I hadn't been such a bad person, a bad child, you wouldn't have done it. I told myself all kinds of lies to keep myself from admitting the truth. Something painful happened to me and no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't go back and fix it. I couldn't explain it. Did you know that you caused me this much grief?

Shame on a swim instructor who takes advantage of his student far off in the corner where nobody's noticing.

(I don't hate you. I don't forgive you. I don't even want to think about you. I don't know your name, and I don't remember what your face looks like. I don't know if I was the only one or if there were others.

But I won't tell, because you and I both know nobody will believe me when I don't even remember what your name is.)

Now, I'm not going to let you win anymore, so after the grief is all cried out for one day, I put on a dress that makes me feel pretty and a smile and I walk out that door and into my life. I hope that you, too, have learned to be less insecure and lonely, so that you no longer feel the need to take advantage of someone to feel complete.

Never ending... Too many abusive people in this world if you ask me...

This one is a big trigger post, you do not have to read... I just needed to get this one out. Don't read if you get triggered, I don't want anyone upset because of me!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((all my brave pc friends)))))))))))))))))))))))

Dear abuser...
I don't even know what to say to you. It's been almost 10 years.. This June will mark 10 years. Do you even remember? Do you even think about me on that day? It's taken me 10 years to get over what you did to me. I've been in and out of the hospital, I've hurt myself because I felt so terrible for what YOU did. You took something from me that was not yours to take.

I said no. I said no more times than I could count. But you acted as if it were consensual. I said no until I was blue in the face, I said no until my memory left me. I said no until the moment the void took over. The next thing I knew we were talking and it was all over. You pulled me to the side the next morning to talk. You acted as if you were sorry. You acted as if you didn't mean to hurt me. But you couldn't force yourself to admit that you hurt me. I thought it had stopped. I thought you didn't go further because I said no. I had no clue what really happened. The words still ring in my head today "You do remember what happened last night right?". I thought I did but no I did not! I did not know you went too far! I thought you stopped! I wish you stopped! But the blood was there. The evidence was in front of my eyes but I just couldn't accept it.

As I look back, I remember watching you. I remember watching you laugh as I was made to clean up my own blood not knowing where it came from. I watched as you made fun of me to all of your friends. I watched as you gave me a nickname that would forever remind me of that horrid night.

There were 6 hours that night that I can not recall. Did you know that I would not remember? How could you joke, how could you laugh at what you did to me? How could you take what was not yours and do with it what you pleased?

I still to this day have difficulty with what was done. The blood... The jokes... The things that I CAN remember... I wonder if I will ever get my memory back from that night. It's unfortunate that I do not know your real name. I guess it's better that way. If I had a name to the face that I hated, you would take from me again, my refusal to hate someone. So I guess it's a good thing that I can not remember, for if I did I would hate you with every fiber of my being.

I can not forget the blood... I just can't get it out of my head. I see it as if it happened yesterday. Your sarcastic, deep laugh with your eyes fixed on me as I was on my knees cleaning up my own blood. I didn't know it was my blood. I didn't know that I could lose that much without knowing it, I didn't know that blood could get in the places it got... My most vivid memory in life is the memory of me cleaning up my own blood.

You are pathetic. You are useless. You are sick. You are twisted. You are angry. You are everything wrong with the world. It all rests inside of your soul. You have darkness seeping through your veins.

You are a monster and I was your victim. I will forever be haunted by your memories. You do not deserve this. You do not deserve so much of my mind, so much of my thoughts. You did not deserve what you took from me. You did not deserve my kindness and you do not deserve my forgiveness. But I deserve it. I deserve the forgiveness so I can move on with my life. I just wish I knew how to forgive something like you!

Dear abuser:
To think you were once my step father and you're disgusting excuse for an off spring my step brother. Did it occur to you ever how helpless and dirty I'd feel when you two would come to my room and take you're turns? Or the time you muffled my screams so you're monster of a son could rape me; and then you. The scars on my heart and brain only cause me to swallow my hatred for what you satanic half breeds did to me. I pray for you; I pray you remember how horrible you both are, I pray for no mercy upon your souls; most of all I pray every ounce of pain life can give you for stealing my childhood. I pray you find the worst hell life can give you; having only each-other to lean on; may you be the complete destruction of one another. Thank you as well; for giving me the gift of strength and the ability to be a survivor.
Sincerely;
Gods Angel.

Dear abuser;
You frighten me beyond belief. You hate me, you can never find one thing positive about me without forcing it. You have done so many things that have caused my life to be so hectic. You have done everything in your power to bring me down. You will not let me live happily or peacefully, you can never forget or let me live down the terrible things I have lived through. You nag at me day and night the things that I do so terribly, the things that I need to be better at, and you tear down the good person I have created for myself.

I have spent years in therapy trying to undo all of the pain but in just a few moments you can come and take it all away. You have hated me for no just reason and you have longed to see me fail from the beginning. I was just a child, but that thought is not understood by you. You hate me for it, but it wasn't me. I was a child. I didn't know. I didn't want to, I didn't like it. I was just a child...

I am my own worst enemy, I am my worst abuser. Now I see why others chose to abuse me, they saw me abuse myself and knew I would be an easy target... And there I go again mentally abusing myself putting the blame on me... I hate me, I love me... Does it ever end? Err...

(((((Justme)))))((((((purpleflyingmonkeys))))(((((happycheeks)))

My post/letter could trigger. I dont know how to put that symbol, i just write from my phone.

Dear abuser,

You are my mother, but i could never call you mother. The neighbor girl could. You gave me to your boyfriends. Tom was the cruelest. He almost choked me to death. I was nine. My father had just died. I cant remember the name of the one who kept the automatic rifle in t

Continuation on my triggering letter to abuser. He kept the rifle in the closet. But you were worst of all. My first memory i must have been 4. You raped me at 13. You called me gross because there was blood everywhere . It hurt so badly. You tried to kill us all with a
butcher knife . Sometimes i wish you had killed me. I hate you for what you' ve done to your kids and my dad. I love you, because i remember glimmers of your true self when i was young. You taught me not to kill spiders, to appreciate nature, how to bake cookies, that skin color doesnt matter. Now your sickness has gobbled you up just like cancer devoured my dad. I lost you long ago. Youll never apologize. You are incapable of love. You dont even know reality . I dont know if the drs diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia correctly. I just

Know you suffered unimaginably. I cant wish any revenge on you. Any horrible thing i' d come up with, couldn' t be any worse than what has happened. Your own father threw you off a cliff. My sister' s dad saw your brain because it caused an open head injury. I wish you
peace. I wish my brother peace. I wish myself peace. May we all find healing.