Dear abuser;

Abusers,

First, you are not dear to me in any way, so I will not start this off that way.
For all my life, I have carried in my body and mind and heart and soul your poisons.
Everything I do makes its way into a circle and comes back to you and the evil you did to me and other children like me.

Today started out to be a day like the others of my adult life... I was doing OK after I woke up from the nightmare memories and flashbacks. I did a few chores and was content being alive. And then I was reminded of tommorow and thinking about how I have to go into work and smile and be happy with all the people. And I became very angry with myself because that would feel like a lie! And then I wanted to do something that harms my spirit but makes me forget the pain you put onto me.

You told me that "No one would ever care" and that without you I would "always be alone" and so many other lies. But I do have a healer and he does care! And no matter what stupid games you tried to play, you couldn't take that away from me!
So I reached out to him and he was right there for me today just like he always is when I need him.

You lied to me about that. You told me that was one thing you would never do to me, that you would always be honest with me even while hurting me. You told me it would make me strong and become someone who could not be hurt by anyone. But you lied about someone not being there for me. So you are liars and now I can see that.

Sometimes I still feel very lost thanks to you. Sometimes like right now it is all I can do to not be overwhelmed by the pain your abuses throughout the years caused me.
But that is not the end of things. I know there is real love in the world even though you did your best to take that faith and hope away from me - you b@st@rds. But it is there and I am allowed to cling to it with my whole heart and it doesn't want to use me or harm me like you told me would happen.

So today may have started off like the other days, but I am making a choice to not allow it to end the way so many other days in my past ended. I am making a choice to give myself the right to love in healthy ways those around me and myself.

Me and all of us inside

I hope this thread doesn’t fade away…because I think THIS, alongside everything else here and in PC is important. ((((Purpleflyingmonkeys)))), ((((WePow)))), ((((Everyone))))…I am sorry you have all been through so much. I thank you for your bravery and determination to move forward still…

*inhales and exhales*

I should write to three others a similar DEAR ABUSER but don’t know how to address or really think about it. It has interestingly been 10 years this October
-happened at 15, now 25
-started in summer, then the second request for more of the same thing
-then suspension, embarrassment, isolation, and wondering why bother stick around…?
-then suicide attempt #2, day hospital, ongoing T with first pdoc then she retired, now see a different p doc

among other stuff...

First pdoc called it sexual assault. I said that I was just stupid. First pdoc wondered if I would press more charges on top of the school suspension and trespassing charges laid on the 3. I said that it was my fault. First pdoc said it was a mistake and that it doesn’t have to define my entire life. Others have said that too. I said…and still say now that I am repulsive, stupid, disgusting, immature, and all of this is just another reason why I am a screwed up waste. I tried – alongside Perfection or Death, and Pleasing everyone – to have different faces/sides to present to the world. Each one is a mask that is fake, but presents what is necessary and hides me. Except I failed at that as well as everything and one else.

I started attending therapy after all ^that^ mess i made, then first pdoc retired. I now see someone else, but just for meds, no longer do any therapy except for additional support at university (with counseling and disability services) = as additional encouragement to actually stay in school, not have a complete breakdown and runaway. Actually unsure if this should be here or in that *Dear T i wish i could tell you thread…* This has just been on my mind and wondering what’s next… Can I really be with anyone? Should I be close or connected to anyone at all? What do people see when they look at me? What do current acquaintances/colleagues/peers/friends(?) think of me based on what little they know? What do past classmates I encounter (hi Facebook ) think when they see me again? Besides being a screwup, a waste, and a worthless pile of s***, what am I really? Why bother at all now…because it just seems like its too late, I’m too far behind, and could never be/do enough to measure up – especially as I am as me. Again I apologize and am embarrassed for spewing so much of my disgusting mess. I am sorry for being so f***ing selfish, greedy, self-centred, foolish, irresponsible, silly ridiculous, wicked, immoral, nasty, sinful, foul, vile, and obnoxious…



i hate me...i really really just hate me. Ugh, i am just so much useless retched s***...

Dear abuser, you words cut me deep. Your control is isolating me into a world of self doubt. I WILL LEARN TO HEAL every minute that you assume you have won. I will let you think you have the power, but in the end, I will show you that I am stronger than you could ever imagine.

Dear Abuser,
You are sick and disgust me, the things you have done should not be forgotten yet for so long they were. But I will never again forget the pain you put me and my sisters through. I know that you will one day meet you maker and have to pay for your crimes. My only father is the heavenly one that will inflict the wrath that I as a small child could not. What you and so many others do to small helpless children is the most hideous of all crimes. I will never forgive you for what you have done but I will allow myself forgiveness for living with the guilt for so many years. I live my life free from you grasp and free from the fear that once owned me!

Sincerely, your lost daughter

Miss Abuser

*faces mirror - Yes I am addressing You.*

You are frustrating. It is another day of fear. Not going to class - haven't gone all week and not sure if i can go back. Still hating being surrounded by fighting and tension, but you are worse. Twitchy and anxious with impulses, ideas, dreams, thoughts. Can’t go to work either. You are smothered with food and layered and covered with clothes. You are rarely soothed by tears and keep to yourself – except for the occasional breakdown, which leave witnesses nearby wondering WTF is happening.

I hate me. The shame mixes with the self-hatred. The guilt is magnified by all of the actions and inactions. I am disgusted and disturbed at how far you go – physically, mentally, and completely. And I am not progressing at all.

You have learned from them all. You’ve taken it all in well. You remember all of the condemnation and violence, and swirl it together with negativity and sadness. You could be carrying out ant following through with plans to clean up more. Apologize more. Confirm final arrangements. Before I just go. But you get distracted. A pimple. A papercut. I need to wash my hair. Eating/drinking/eliminating/sleeping. You are unfocused on top of everything else.

I cannot separate and/or compartmentalize. I am not divided into different parts. All of me has just taken too much in. At the very least, I am just a glob of awful hopeless mush. Seriously, at the end of the day, there is really no one else to blame. It is why I am afraid of relationships and connections. It is why I am afraid of ever being a parent. It is why I doubt myself with everything, everyone, everywhere. I am flawed and a fraud. I am horrible and cruel. I am notablackbarbie and am abusive. To me. I am vicious and sick. I am destructive, vile, and insane. Because really, does ^this^ - or the rest of me as this grotesque f***ed up freak - make any sence...

SO…how does abuse stop? Besides time passing by and therapy and minor circumstances changing, how can all of this trauma stop? In what way can I separate, "get over myself”, be different, be better, then all of the mess and badness and pain when it is all together as me…?

Sincerely...

There are about 4 abusers from my past that I can't seem to get past. This is one which is why it's my second letter to him... Ugh...

Dear abuser;
My words will never stop. I am afraid that as long as I live, I may always have this strong desire to tell you the things I've only pretended to write to you. I need closure. I need to know that you have paid for what you have done. I need to know that you feel sorry for what you have done. I need to know that your life was just as terrible as mine because of your actions. I need to know that I was not the only person who had to suffer at the hands of you, I need to know that the pain that was given to me from you has somehow found its way back to you. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of payback, I hate that you take this from me. That you continue to take from me years later. I hate that no matter what, you will never apologize for the wrong you did to me. I even more so hate the fact that my mother somehow found a way to forgive you for what you had done to me. I hate that you ruined it. The small chance at happiness we could have had and you took it. You are nothing. If I had been my mom, I would have kicked you to the curb the moment I laid eyes on your disgusting face.
I hate that despite being brutally honest with my mom over the things that you did to me, that she somehow has found a way to miss you. I hate that years later you are still effecting me. I hate that I can not hate you. I wish I could.
You do not deserve this. You do not deserve anything. You do not deserve the air that you breathe. I will overcome this and I will overpower you and I will be stronger, smarter, but most of all I will be more caring. And you will be nothing. You already are nothing.

Dear Abuser,

I'm glad your gone. You'll never find me.

Dear abuser;

It's been 10 years this past June... No wonder I've been having such a hard time! You are in prison right now. You are spending the rest of your days rotting in a prison cell. You will not taste the freedom that I enjoy every day. You will not see the sun set over a beautiful ocean view as I do every day. You will not get to hold your child close and give them a hug before they go to bed, knowing that the chance you lost WILL be given to them. You will not get to celebrate with your loved ones the coming year and all the possibilities that come with it. You do not get to come and go as you please, living the life of a normal person. And yet it is not enough! You have so many restrictions to you, so many things that bound you. So many restrictions and boundaries and rules you must follow. None of those rules protect me. None of those rules save me from you.

I was 14. You were 22. Allow me to say this once again. I was 14, you were 22!!!!!!!! I looked up to you as if you were the older brother I needed, one who would protect me as older brothers do for their younger sisters. But you continued to pressure me. You continued to make your move. You continued to manipulate me. You made me believe all of these false beliefs of your concern and your care. You made me believe that I was special, like I had never felt before. You made me believe that I was worth something for a short moment in time. Only to find out that your tactics were nothing more than a game to have me. Did you?

The memories are dark. You did not know that did you? Or perhaps you did. During those days I thought I was drugged. I thought that YOU drugged me. I did not know that I was having blackouts before. Did you touch me?

No one can understand my torn feelings... Even I can not... You were my mentor. You were my protector. You were the first man I willingly chose to be my guide. I was an idiot. You were an adult, it was YOUR responsibility to tell me that I was too young. It was YOUR responsibility. The words "I've done worse" do not make up for what you have done.

You are in prison now. You tortured him for 4 days before burrying him alive... You shot him... He was your friend. He was our friend. I don't even know if you would be considered an abuser to me... I don't remember moments in your home, I don't remember the night that my innocence was taken from my as you sat and watched claiming only hours before to be my protector. You watched him do that to me. You watched me say no and you let him continue.

Did you make your move? You waited so long to make a move, did you do it at that moment? Did you do it after that? You laughed at me as I cleaned up the blood from my own self not realizing where that blood came from. You laughed at me for months after that night whispering secrets to all of your friends before handing me another drink.

Did you know it was in the paper? What you told your cell mate? How you would make a "14 year old girl" believe you were "God" just to manipulate her to have her? I'm sure you don't care. You put on that robe... The robe with such dark secrets... With such hatred and selfishness... The robe that makes my skin crawl... The robe that I saw last before the blackout... The robe you thought guarded you and kept you in power... You thought you were powerful... You thought you were strong... You thought you were invincible... You thought that evil would protect you...

Still you talk about me... Still you view me as an accomplishment, a trophy of sorts... A mantle piece that has been sat next to the fire for far too long. My shape is disfigured and warped by your lack of decensy toward me. My humility is astounding and my pain seems never ending. Others do not understand the turmoil... They do not see how I was so easily confused by you... They do not see how I cared so much and why it hurt so much once the friendship was over. They do not understand the way it effected me when you murdered our friend. They can not realize that your actions during those times greatly effected me.

There is nothing that I can get from speaking with you. You are my own Charles Manson and if I saw you again I don't know if I would run in terror or lash out in hatred. You used me you abused me you manipulated me and your satanic ways corrupted my teenage years. It's a miracle I made it through you alive and in one piece, it's even more so a miracle that dispite your horrendous ways, that I continue to love MY lord, the one you turned your back on. And for that I am here alive and well, freedom blowing through my hair as you lay in a cell block and I wish for you to feel an ounce of the pain you inflicted on others as you wait the remaining years of your life alone and in your own world of false power... You are useless... Why do you still effect me?!

It is incomprehensible the power an abuser maintains.

The toughest question is why. I wish I had an answer. So sorry for your pain.

Why is always the question but there never seems to be an answer. I can not be satisfied with the answer "well they were given a hard childhood" because SO WAS I!!! I was abused on every level more than I can count, I was literally broken into pieces and I would never do that kind of harm to any human being. I know right from wrong and so did they! So how could they knowing what they were doing?

I can't accept it like others do... "Well their parents did it to them" or "they were neglected and abused" SO WERE WE!!!! We don't abuse so why do they?

I just can't fathom it! I just can't wrap my head around why and even more so how to get over what they did... I always think it doesn't effect me, always think I'm ok and that it's the past, the past can't hurt me. It's over, they can not take anything more from me. I am moving forward. I am doing well. I am a wonderful person. But no matter how much I try to be well, their actions caused me to be anything of the sort. I am STILL a victim to their abuse years after it was over...

How do you break the chain? I try and try and try and try... I try to believe they are just memories, nothing more. Memories can't hurt you... But they do... The hurt...

I know.

It's a mental prison. The fear is now programmed. There is no reason. There are only recollections and unanswered questions.

It was one thing after another. . . Severe neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse all within my family to the first boyfriend who was physically abusive. . . I actually testified for him?!?!? Why? Why do I ignore my pain and support all the abusers?

The unresolved issues eat away like cancer.

I was in the same boat and if it had come to court, I would have probably helped one of my abusers to get away. He touched me... Innappropriately to say the least. When recalling the info to the social worker, by my reaction to just her asking me to act out what he did, I went insane... I was hysterical so they decided not to take it to court, if they had I would have for some reason asked for him not to be punished. I spent years after the fact beating myself up over it. Thinking it was my fault he was no longer able to work with children since I opened my mouth. He never went to jail, he just lost his job and I hated myself for it. For years I blamed myself...

I know who was to blame now but it doesn't stop the moments where I feel there was something I should have done to avoid anyones lives being messed up at all... But there was nothing I could have done, he was a pedophile and had a history of it before me. But the heart doesn't know facts, it knows feelings... And these sick people put these false feelings into us and I'm still trying to work through them!!!!!!!

Why is there not tougher punishment for this? Is 24 years of suffering not enough to punish someone? And I'm sure there are many more years I will have to go before I am as well as I wish to be... As well as the normal person... Is that not enough to put these people away? It's not enough for me to condemn them... Perhaps it's the thought of causing pain to someone else that causes me and others to try to help their abusers... I would never want anyone at all to hurt like I did... Perhaps that is where I went wrong

We can never change the unfair actions of others. We survived and we have to learn how to not feed into our pasts. Oh, I know it is hard, I am also trying to overcome many things myself. But I am really trying to make sure that I don't give into it. Often we can allow ourselves to feed into it. We have to learn to catch it and make conscious changes to consistently tell ourselves we are going to continue to recover and live out our lives. And I am in no way telling anyone here to just get over it, I know none of us want to hear that, because it is not that simple. But I am making efforts to pay attention to my thoughts and do everything I can to make efforts to
try my best to not feed into them, I am not saying it is easy, it is a very personal effort and all we can do is our best to make our own efforts and support those who are also challenged to do the same.

(((((Hugs)))))

Open Eyes

I guess that is my real problem. I let the memories in and when I do that I let the thoughts in with them. As long as those thoughts are going through my mind I wont be able to get over it. I blocked memories on my own when I was younger, it took years just to forget minor details, and my own mind has its own way of blocking memories. If I could just block it all out maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. But I don't suppose that's the proper way of going about all of this... But no two people are the same, perhaps staying dissociative and keeping memories repressed will be the only way for me to stay at least this functioning.

I guess that's why my mind is still the way it is with the blackouts. I figured I'm an adult now, I'm safe and not around abuse any longer so why can't the blackouts stop? But if they did stop I would remember everything else... Everything much worse than what I can remember and write about... And would not be able to forget any of it... I have an obsessive mind... When something gets to me, I obsess for months over it. It can be something like a new hobby, or it could be a past memory that I recovered... It's not easy when you're trying to get better to obsess like that so perhaps the answer for now is just to lock all the memories away for a while

Abusers--

You will remain nameless because to me you have no name, nothing worth repeating. But I know and I will always know. You have forever etched your memory on my mind and I cannot make you go away. You have caused me to constantly dream terror and pain that is now pulling others that could possibly really care and love me into the nightmares that I cannot seem to separate, thus pulling everything safe away, something you always did.

You continue to come in the night leaving your marks and bruises that others can see but I cannot explain, and you continue to rip me apart inside where the world will never see or understand. You make me look insane when I am really in my right mind and I know through others within what you are doing. Was my whole life not enough for you that you have to continue today to try to destroy and end me? Yeah you are probably reading this, but I am done hiding your secrets. Make as many copies as you want, it still does not change the truth or what you did or do.

I cannot forgive you or what you did and still do. Each night in my terror filled nightmares you come again and again, and sometimes you really are there (nightmares still come to life) but you are still cowards at your game and bring forth another part that is much too terrorized and afraid to fight. You and I know your evil games and you do not care how it is played. It was always that way wasn't it? You had to divide a child to keep her silent and your secrets going, and now you bring out those within to continue your evilness, pushing the adult into terrorized silence.

Someday you will pay for what you have and are continuing to do. Someday you will answer maybe not to anyone in this life but one day you will not be able to laugh that sadistic laugh, terrify with the look in your eye, do in secret when the world is not aware.......someday you will be exposed for who and what you are. Someday..............

Just someday...........................................

dps

(((((((DPS))))))) I am SO sorry you are hurting right now! I hope you have found a safe place even if you can't feel safe!

dear abusers, what did i do to deserve to beaten black and blue?
the two of you are my big brothers, i looked up to the two of you in fear.
running to the neighbors to hide in there closet or out race the both of you and lock myself in the bathroom.
i had to protect myself cuz no one would. ma would witness the beatings and dad was fast asleep or too busy with things to do.
now that i am older the fear is gone, no more feeling afraid, betrayed, alone, ashamed, no more looking at brusies on my body, no more nightmares, or flashbacks.
what i learned from this it was never my fault, i was and still am a good girl.
you reap what you sow, and the time has come that your worlds are turned upside down and the only person to blame are yourselves.
i will help you in your time of need and pray for peace in your lives, cuz after all you are still my flesh and blood.
love your little sister.

dear abuser, your a molester, you know the one who molested me at the age 12 to 14.
i remember what you said " if you tell anyone no one would believe you"
the shame, the guilt, thank GOD you didn't penetrate.
now that i am older i realize shame on you not on me, it was your fault for taking advantage of me.
you never said you were sorry, but even if you did i wouldn't accept it, because you knew what you were doing.
and to think i wasn't the only one, you even molested our little cousin.
your a beast, your an animal, my prayer to you is you repent.
the truth will come out, sooner or later it always does.
a molester has no boundaries or limits, my gut is telling me you did it your own children.
what you did to me no longer has control over me, i moved on THANK YOU JESUS.

dear abusers, i married into your family thinking i was part of the family.
but all of you made it loud and clear i will never be a part of it.
your passive aggressive behavior has taken a toll on my marriage, i hope your happy.
on your death bed father in law you tell me "i am sorry, you didn't come to visit because of me, your a good person, your good with money, i don't have to worry about my son, because i know you take care of him well."
it's too late father in law to say your sorry the damage is done. i don't miss you, because i don't miss the hurtful words you use to say to me.
mother in law, when will you learn, its not a competition.
i am your sons wife, and the mother of your grandchildren, let go, and let us live in peace.
sister in law i took care of your children as if there were my own, where are they now? i don't know.
rude, disrespectful, shelfish, controlling, mainlupitive, liar, user, i guess you can say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, cuz u learned your traits from your parents, and your children learned from you.
brother in law, you can go to church all you want, but i know your wicked heart.
all of you say your christains and you love CHRIST, but your actions speak louder than words.
because of all of you i use to have a lot of sleepless nights and fights with hubby but not anymore.
now all has changed thanks to JESUS, i use to blame myself, but i know it was never me!
shame on all of you, you reap what you sow.
mother in law your all alone, not even your children come for a visit.
sister in law your divorced, you made fun of my weight now your fat, your broke, and where did all your friends go?
brother in law your wicked heart is exposed, and now your wife and son hate you.
my prayer for all of you is may all of you stay far away from me and my family.

((((everyone here)))) i am so sorry you have suffered so much...

One of the important questions each of us has to consider is are we going to give up the rest of our lives to the abusers and what we experienced in our past? We all know that none of us can go back and change our past. The only thing any of us can do is allow ourselves to "LEARN" from our past and "ALLOW" ourselves to continue on with our lives.

Someone just presented me with food for thought yesterday, something I hadn't really considered. This person said that each one of us is on a life journey were we have to learn many things. This person told me to consider the things that I have learned thus far and the course my life path has taken me in ways that I could have not predicted or even controled in many cases. I was told to consider that I am on my own journey and other people that have crossed my path, even those that have abused me, are also on their own path where they to learn things as well. I cannot learn for others, I can only learn for myself. I have to understand that my life journey is a journey of my own where I will be presented with situations where I will have to make decisions and will learn from each decision and every outcome. And the fact that I am human means that I wont do everything perfect, but because I am human, I will learn from everything I address in my life.

For those here that continue to embrace a troubled past, how can you find your way to saying to yourself. " I am on my own journey and it has been a troubled one, the only person that I can help is me by my willingness to learn and continue my life even though there are things in my past that are not pleasant or even fair. And even though there have been bad people in my past, I will realize that these other people are on their own life path and whatever bad they do, they will be forced to face the consequences as well. And I can only live my own life and make a decision to continue to learn as much as I can and make efforts to continue forward. My life is separate from the abuser and my abuser will eventually suffer his/her own fate."

My heart goes out to all here that have met up with any kind of abuser that has caused harm to them. My hope for each of us is to "LEARN" to continue on our life path and find ways to enjoy our children, and our lives without allowing our past to continue to block today and tomarrow and the rest of our lives.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

This was the very last post in my list and would have been gone if I had posted one more, glad I caught it.

A few threads in this forum have had me thinking a lot... It's really hard when you have an abuser that you don't think, or want to have been, an abuser. I don't want to aknowledge it but perhaps I should...

Dear abuser;
It's hard to start this letter this way. It's hard to see the things that were done as abuse because really, we were all we had. I was so young. The age difference wasn't that big so it makes things that much harder. But you knew more than I, or did you?

What do I do? You were just a child. I can not hate someone for what they did as a child, but I was an even smaller child. Eight and five is a big difference. Nine and six is a big difference. I did not understand what was being done.

I needed someone. With mom working 4 jobs, I needed a friend. I tried. I begged you two to be my friend, I even paid you to. The only way I was accepted is if I allowed the abuse. I was abused by both of you in much different ways. The pain hurts worse from you.

My bruises healed over the years, the cuts and bumps faded with time. My emotional scars eat away at me, I still feel them sting and burn. Why couldn't you just hit me like the other one did?

Times have changed, your life is following that of our fathers. This abuse has eaten away at you as well, I can see it. But I can see that it's fighting to continue the abuse that is eating you. At least you are trying.

I need so bad to believe that you are a good kind person. You have tried to help me so much. You have given me great advice and you have protected me. But there are scars. We may not talk of them now. We may never talk of them. I hope we do not. But they are there. You have distanced yourself over the years and I have not tried to keep you close. I can not. I let you have your distance and I will give you even more. The face reminds me too much, the looks have never changed.

The memories are too much... I must hide from them. It's taken me 20 years to be able to see this for what it was. It's taken me 20 years to accept the ways you were, and it will take another 20 to heal from this. Only now have I been able to finally begin to surface this.

Did you abuse me or were you playing a game? The questions spin around and around in my head. You did not intend to hurt me, but you knew it was wrong. You knew. I did not. Where does that leave me? What does that make you?

I can take no more. You will always be treasured for being who you are, but I can no longer look into your eyes and pretend nothing ever happened.

You hurt me. You never said "I'm sorry".

Dear abuser,
Its been so hard, this life of mine. I will admit that i was born into a pretty dysfuntional home so i met you with lots of issues. I still struggle with the questions of what i deserved or didn't. I loved you and all i wanted was for you to love me back. At first it was wonderful, you were my world. There was nothing i wouldnt do for you or to be with you.
Then came the judgements and the questioning. I guess you started to realise that i wasnt good enough for you. I should have known the day would come. I did what survival told me to do, i lied, im sorry,. If i knew the pain and chaos it would cause i would have never lied. I would have walked away from the love i longed for.
I think....

I didn‘t. which is my fault. The products of your broken home and my broken home just didnt mix. I became so hurt that you wouldn't just love me. Your love was conditional. I felt so rejected.
As time went on, because our time did go on, your anger became monstrous. Starting with hits and slaps, sex that i didnt want but it was the calm of the storm. Things got worse. So many supressed memories of being choked until loss of consciousness, hit, just beat down until my soul felt empty and refilled with hopelessness and helplessness.
Being in public was horrible. Feeling lie garbage because thats what i got treated like. Being told i was nothing, i was garbage, i was a horrible person, a bad person, a hoe.........it sunk in so deep! You always backed up your claims of my horrible character and soul with facts, undisputabe facts. You convinced me, congratulations !!!! I know you always win. Maybe thats why no matter how good i begin to feel i fall back to where i am, in the gutter where i belong. No matter how many times you tell me now that im loved and cared for and so important, i know in the back of my mind the truth. Lonliness is my home, despair is my cradle, hopelessness is my rock, and helplessness is my foundation. So to you that believe that i will always be in "victim mode" you're right. To you that believe i will never get better and fix myself........congratulations because you have won.

I know this is supposed to be maybe inspiring to others, so im sorry that it was just a pittiful, pitty party rant. Im just not feeling up to being courageous. Guess its not in my blood.

With all of the trauma i dealt with in those beatings, the thing that scares me the most to this day is looking into your eyes, the man i loved and who told me he loved me, and seeing the rage and anger. There was nothing genle or loving in those eyes. The look in your eyes told me of the immense pain you planned on inflicting on me if i didn't answer your questions correctly. I dont think i can fully put into words those experiences. I keep it tucked away so i dont have to think about it. If i do i get scared, and anxious.
I dont think you or anyone will undrrstand the pain i went through, the daily terror, the other woman i had to deal with or else. Parts of my soul have died. My safety and fear are always on alert.
I forgive you because i love you. I forgive you because i dont want pain for you. I forgive you because i know that you have changed, but the damage is done. No matter how much you change, for the better, im still left here, garbage, damaged goods, dysfunctional,

Dear abuser, I know what you did. I remember it very well now.

I don't know what else to say, that's all I could get out.