Where to start

i tried to tell her things but she just shut me out she said i was lying and making trouble and asking for attention, idk why?! Why is she acting like this maybe she dont want to hear maybe its to much

I can see how solid and attracting Ruben is for you in this visual, Alex. Also that you mom is an important part of your life, and how connected she is to your sister. That your older brother is pretty much adrift. You're good at showing these relationships.

I'm uneasy that your father, though removed from everyone, has his eye on you all. He still seems to have control of you somehow. Is that how you feel? I mean, besides feeling so alone and wanting to be with Ruben?

I wish there were somewhere you could go and feel Ruben's presence. What does the house in your drawing represent? If it's your old home, is there any chance you could visit it--if you wanted to? Just you?

I guess i better start at the beginning. I'm still way nervous about writing this but here it goes anyway.
I'm not sure where the fine line between abuse and punishing is. It seems some people say hitting is always wrong and other people say you need to hit your kids sometimes.
As long as I remember our parents were into the last one. My mother not so much but she would tell my dad about it if we did something wrong and then he would hit us anyway.

When we were 3 or 4 he would just pull us over his knee and hit us a few times but when we got older he would also make us do other stuff.
He would embaress us by pulling down our pants and putting us over his knee to hit us when other kids were over up to about 9 years old.
He makes us drink a glass of soapwater or big spoon of sambal. He has a lot of belts and he either uses the one he is wearing or makes us get one and give it to him and then we have to take our shirt or pants off and he hits us with it. Same with making us get twigs or kitchen stuff like the big wooden spoons. He has ropes in the bikeshed too.
It always leaves bruises but no broken skin or anything unless he's drunk then he can't control himself. Thankfully he is not drunk very often. But theres not a week that goes by that he doesnt hit us all atleast once.
Most of it is done in secrecy, he doesnt want our mom to know most of the time. Now that im sick he dont hit me as much but now my twinbrother gets most of it I feel really bad about that.

Sometimes my father comes in my room. This is also when the nightmares started.
I remember when i was 5 he would come in to my room and lay down next to me and he would put his hand in my underwear and touch me. And he would look at me in the shower and help me soap up.
And one day i broke a glass by accident and he dragged me upstairs by my ear, i was 6 i think. He pulled down my pants and put me over his knee and whipped me with a haircomb. And then he put his own pants down and told me to take his p***s in my hands i was scared and confused and hurting and when i didn't do what he asked me to do he took my shirt off and whipped me with his belt. Then he put his thing in my mouth. From then on he kept doing these things and sometimes if he was going to punish me he let me chose my punishment, a whipping or these other things. But usually he then did what he wanted anyway.
It was about a week after he put his thing in my mouth that he made me lie down on my stomach with my pants off. I expected another beating because i had pushed my sister that morning and she'd cried as if i had tried to kill her. My mother had already put me over her knee but my dad always would hit us too. Well i did get another beating, with a belt this time. But then after he was finished whipping me he put his own pants down so i was getting up because i thought i had to put it in my mouth, but he pushed me back and put a few fingers in my b..t and then he put himself on top of me... i was in much pain already but this hurted so much more. He had put his hand over my mouth though otherwise i would have probably screamed loud enough to be heard by the entire house.
He then laughed and got up it had been maybe 5 minutes but it had felt like hours to me. He dragged me to the shower and yelled at me 'Look what you made me do to you! Can't you be a good kid for once!' And he made me promise not to tell anyone otherwise he would have to do it to that person too. And then he told me to strip down and get in the shower and yelled at me some more and left the shower.
I didn't get any dinner because he had told my mother i had been rude to him when we were upstairs. She told me i should feel lucky he 'only pulled me over his knee for a minute' and ordered me to help her cook the food i wasnt getting any from. Thankfully my sister and twinbrother sneaked some food upstairs cause they felt bad for me.
Even now we're much older he still does these things to me and he regularly pulls us over his knee and stuff. He don't touch my sister and older brother much though. I guess cause my sister is the 'baby' and the only girl and my older brother is getting stronger then my father. Now that im sick he mostly hits my twinbrother but he does these other things to me still. It makes me feel ... idk.. dirty i guess. And ashamed.
When i failed the schoolyear he did hit me though that still hurted two weeks later. I should have tried harder but i missed so much school they said, they couldnt pass me.
I know it isnt normal but he claims he has to do it cause i put him under so much pressure all the time. And because im sick all the time i have to repay him for lost time and money and stuff because they have to do so much for me and there's a lot of stuff they cant do cause of me. I feel like im such a burden sometimes maybe they are better of without me. But then my brother would be alone.

I guess i better start at the beginning. I'm still way nervous about writing this but here it goes anyway.
I'm not sure where the fine line between abuse and punishing is. It seems some people say hitting is always wrong and other people say you need to hit your kids sometimes.
As long as I remember our parents were into the last one. My mother not so much but she would tell my dad about it if we did something wrong and then he would hit us anyway.

When we were 3 or 4 he would just pull us over his knee and hit us a few times but when we got older he would also make us do other stuff.
He would embaress us by pulling down our pants and putting us over his knee to hit us when other kids were over up to about 9 years old.
He makes us drink a glass of soapwater or big spoon of sambal. He has a lot of belts and he either uses the one he is wearing or makes us get one and give it to him and then we have to take our shirt or pants off and he hits us with it. Same with making us get twigs or kitchen stuff like the big wooden spoons. He has ropes in the bikeshed too.
It always leaves bruises but no broken skin or anything unless he's drunk then he can't control himself. Thankfully he is not drunk very often. But theres not a week that goes by that he doesnt hit us all atleast once.
Most of it is done in secrecy, he doesnt want our mom to know most of the time. Now that im sick he dont hit me as much but now my twinbrother gets most of it I feel really bad about that.