[January]

I went to the Nuerologist today to talk about my progress. My blood pressure is sky high. I normally have low pressure, but not today.

Last week, I woke up to a muffled engine sound in my good ear. The Dr. told me that it's from where I was hit so hard in January. It's been six months! What else is going to happen to me because of what happened in January?

I told the Dr. it just couldn't be but he said it's quite common. He said that in time the sound may recede some and that I'll get used to hearing it. The noise is in my good ear. He hit me so hard he killed nerve cells in my right ear and I have permanent hearing loss in it. Now I have buzzing in my left! AAARGH!!!!!!!!!

He told me I'm doing much better but he had told me that I'll be recovered as much as possible by January - one year. Now he's moved it to two years. I don't know why. I was shaking so hard inside I just couldn't ask him.

I want so badly to go look at the person who hit me and look in his eyes and ask why. I want to ask him why he hurt me. Why did he treat the one person in the world who has only been a kind and loving friend like dirt. Why did he try to destroy me? Why??? I don't understand.

My temper came out today and it made me even more upset. He hit me in the part of the brain that governs emotions. He said my temper was effected. I can't afford to have a temper. I have to think rationally and act rationally. I can't let him steal that from me, too.

Miserably,

Jan

[OneAndMany]

((((((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one ever deserves to be treated like that.

Elizabeth

[Fuzzybear]

That is horrible Jan, I am so sorry that you are having all these effects from this person's attack on you And that he was a "friend"..... mind boggling All my good thoughts are with you for your recovery
(((((((((((((((( Jan ))))))))))))))))

[January]

((((((((( Elizabeth ))))))))))))

Thank you. You are so kind and comforting.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((( Fuzz Bear ))))))))))

It is so hard to believe he was my friend. That makes it hurt all the more. Thank you for realizing that.

Hugs,

Jan

[lenjan]

Awwwwww, Jan -- I'm so sorry, girlfriend. I don't know what else to say. I've felt helpless ever since I read your first post about all this. I hate not being able to make it better.

The Mafia cousins are still at your beck and call, though, and maybe I'll join them! The jerk who did this to you deserves it all and MORE. I have to believe that he'll get what's coming to him eventually -- but eventually is way too far down the road to make me happy.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jan ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I so wish I could help.

Much love,
Candy

[oksomaybeimnuts]

{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}

gentle hugs

[January]

((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))

Thank you so much. I think it's best not to be violent back, if you don't mind, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((( Careun )))))))))))))

Thank you so very much.

Hugs,

Jan

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) Head trauma does that grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I worked many years in therapy on anger and acting out. It is just now where I feel it's under control. Being aware will help you Jan. I'm so sorry for all of this. Since it has affected your hearing, then please watch for jaw problems also.. which can cause joint popping in tmj, headache, eye pain... etc. that's another area that might take a bit to develop... have you seen an orthodontist to check and maybe prevent problems?

TC!

Oh dear, I'm so sorry January. This is so unfair... Sending strength your way. Do take care.

[hillbunnyb]

)))))))) ) ))) january ((((((( ( ( just so sucky.......

[January]

(((((((((( Sky )))))))))))))

I've seen my dentist, so there haven't been any problems there yet. I honestly never thought about problems with my teeth from this.

This temper thing has got to go. I can't afford a temper. I have to be rational about this. I must! If I'm not rational then I will have truly lost the battle.

You are right. I must be very aware. He told me that I'm much better even though there is a small set back. I can see the improvement over all. I have to keep that in mind.

Thank you, Sky.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( Always ))))))))))))))

Thank you for the strength and thank you for caring.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

)))))))))))) Bunny (((((((((((((((((((

Thank you for the Bunny bumpies. I know it's hard for you to do and I appreciate you all the more for it.

Hugs,

Jan

Hey Jan,

I'm so very sorry for the trauma you've been through. I wish I could somehow transfer the caring I feel for you so that you would feel it like as if I was right there.

Jan, can I ask..... maybe you don't even know the answer.... anyway..... do you think the "temper" could be coming from your mind trying to reason WHY such a thing happened to you and not knowing the answer? Not having an answer can be quite frustrating--- at least that's how I've been.

Could it be that in pondering why he hurt you-- a loving and caring person-- which doesn't go with human experience and compassion-- is one of the things helping to flare the temper? It doesn't make sense what he did to you!

........ perhaps.... it might help in thinking that it wasn't about you--- but about him. Suppose he never had anyone ever be nice to him-- maybe it made him feel vulnerable...... frightened-- he could be coming from a very hurtful past that he doesn't know how to deal with and overcome. It most likely is his shortcomings-- not yours dear Jan. You didn't do anything wrong.....it could be that he's not ready for someone to be nice to him... and maybe he never will be........ -- but that's not your fault.

I'm so sorry for all your pain both physical and emotional

[January]

(((((((((((( Mandy ))))))))))))

You are such a dear heart. I hope you know how special you are.

The temper comes from several things. One is he hit me right in the area that governs emotions. It takes a while for your brain to heal. Another is my utter frustration in not being able to have stopped him. Yet another is my frustration over how much the this has effected my every day life. I've had to accept that I have to wear this brace. I've had to accept that I can't hear well out of my right ear and never will. I'm mad because I don't trust people any more and watch my back at all times. I'm mad because my brain doesn't work right anymore. All I had left was my intelligence, and I can't count on that anymore.

I'm mad because I was the best friend a human being can possibly be and he destroyed all that. He can't be a friend to anyone. He's a taker, and that's it. I'm mad because he made me feel totally and utterly worthless, less than a dirty scrap of paper thrown away to float back and forth on filthy water forever, never being anything to anyone.

Thank you, Mandy, for prompting me to write this.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[desirae]

So sorry you have experienced this. I would be angry to, but then there's accepting to, that seems to help, even when difficult. I hope that your ear gets better, instead of worse or remains the same. Also for your head trauma, that has to be difficult to adapt to, it's like the abuse has sticked around, but please do not allow this to let anger remain in your life forever as well. Once again I'm so sorry your going through this right now.

[January]

(((((((((( Des )))))))))))))

I hear you. You are right. I can normally stuff the anger away or force it to leave... When I find another problem, it comes out again.

Hugs,

Jan

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))) It is so sad all the repercussions this incident has had upon you. It has effected all areas of your life. I can understand what you are feeling without even taking into consideration the damage he has done to parts of your body. I can understand where your distrust has come from and that is hard to overcome when it was someone so close. I am sure that it doesn't seem so but you have made such progress since then. Don't lose sight of where you were and where you are going. Please take care of you.

[January]

((((((((((((( BP Bear )))))))))))))

Where have you been? I have missed you.

Thank you for your reply. You are right. I must be thankful for how far I've come and try to count my blessings instead of the heartaches. Sometimes though, it just gets to me, but then I have my friends here to ground me again.

Thank you, dear Bear.

Hugs,

Jan

[hillbunnyb]

January, whoooo boy, healing is a long ride, isn't it? I can hear you about the brain going bad frustration. My brain was my best part too. reliable. Then kabooom, there went that.

I contracted meningitis. I couldn't think straight, compute. I couldn't learn. It was a horrible blow. Took 10 years to get back to feeling like I could depend on my head at all. I sobbed more over the loss of my brain than enything else.....

but, I did things to help my brain heal. I made 4,000 paper flowers to get the cross connection back up and running, as it took equal parts of both hands to make the flowers.

I picked a song that especially touched me and my situation (Calling All Angels by Jane Siberry with kd lang), wrote down the lyrics and proceded to try to learn it. I would turn up the volulme and sing my heart out as long as i had the lyric sheet. But, though I practiced every day, I could not remember anything but the chorus...... it was sooo scarey and frustrating i would be sobbing while trying to sing along....... hard to describe what a mess i felt.... oh goddd not my brain tooo......

It's been like 13 years now. I still have sticky parts that don't work right. But, I can think and learn and use my brain again.

AND for inspiration, there's that story last week about the guy in a coma for 19 years whose bain rewired itself and he woke up and is regainng funtion. Visualize your neurons and stuff regrowing. Nothing is static.
)))))))) ) ))) ) january ( ((((((( (((

[January]

Oh Bunny, I'm so sorry that happened to you!!!!!!!!! I know, I truly know how scary it is, and I do understand sobbing while trying to get through something.

I know, and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

Bunny bumpies for you.

))))))))))) Bunny (((((((((((((((((

Hugs,

Jan

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Jan)))))))))))

I'm not sure that I can quite comprehend all that you are dealing with. It is just overwhelming, and it was the last thing you deserved. You are an amazing person! I am so impressed with how well you are coping and relating to people and helping here. Your attitude and determination and strong spirit are what will get you through this. Just keep on the way you have been. You will recover better than the doctors think, I'm sure, because you are not letting this stop you or change who you are.

Love and admiration,
Rap

[January]

Oh Rhap! You made me cry. You couldn't have said anything that touched me more.

(((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan