Is pushing as bad as hitting?

ok so my fiancee and I have been together for a year and 1/2 now and we're supposed to be getting married next april. We have a great relationship most of the time. He treats me good most of the time, except for when he's mad. When he's mad there is no calming him down for atleast an hour or two. So, when he's mad he doesn't think. He has never hit me, but he has pushed me and throwing me on a bed and pushed me into a wall so it's not really as bad as it could be right? It could be a lot worse, if fact i've been through a lot worse. The only thing he has ever done that has made me 100% terrified was one day a couple weeks ago. We got into a fight and he pushed me on the bed and pressed the thumbs of both of his hands into my neck right above my throat. He didn't choke me, but it did hurt for a couple days after. I'm just wondering if anyone agrees that it's not bad enough to really do anything about?

This may not be what you want to hear, but what he is doing is violent and abusive, and it is just as bad as hitting. If nothing is done, this behavior will most likely escalate. Pushing alone can be quite dangerous. I am sure you realize that the moment he is doing these things, he is not paying attention to where or how hard he pushes you. You could land on something sharp, hit your head on something hard, or even go down a flight of stairs. This problem will not go away on it's own. I hope that your fiance gets help and finds a way to express his anger without violence, but either way please take steps to make yourself safe.

Well I mean everytime it happens he'll deny doing it for awhile, then he'll get defensive, then he'll apologize for awhile, then for the next week or so after he'll be the sweetest ever. Then we'll be ok for a couple weeks, then we argue a little bit, then a lot, then we're ok again. But he has only pushed me 4 times since we've been together and he's only dont the thing with my throat once.

Pushing is abusive. You don't deserve to be treated this way. No matter how mad he is. He needs to learn anger management (IMHO) and not to take out his anger on you, an innocent, precious human being.

Carol

Yes, only difference is degree. Like do I sprain your wrist or break it?

Your fiance has anger issues, which have nothing to do with you. Getting married won't change that, any more than getting engaged did. He needs to deal with it, and you ought not to be in the middle.

If he's not willing to admit to having a problem, you're accepting the role of victim. Please give this more thought.

roadie

Abuse is abuse, whether it is emotional, psychological, verbal, or physical.

Of course there are degrees of abuse, if you are trying to rationalize and say that it "isn't that bad". But that is denial. That is enabling the abuser. That is saying you don't deserve better. That is NOT having the courage to stand up to your abuser.

No one deserves ANY degree of abuse.

If you continue to stay with an abuser, the injuries will only increase and the severity of them will increase. And they will think that their bad behavior is acceptable and it is not.

Your abuser needs to get help for his behavior problems and anger issues.
You need to get help with finding courage and finding self esteem. And you need to find a way to stay safe.

Well I mean this is actually a big relief to me. My exes in the past have hit me and taken advantage of me in horrible ways, so to just be pushed 3 or 4 times and that is it, is a nice change. Sometimes after I think about how bad I feel about EVERYTHING I just want to give up on life. I am very tired and confused about a lot of things but not because of him.

Depressedgirl,
I can see where you're coming from when you say it's "nice that he only pushes you", but as others have suggested, these things can escalate. Using what you've told us, it's already escalated from pushing to pressing into your neck. Maybe next time he'll have his hands round your neck!

Don't let this go on, even if it is better than past relationships, it's still not acceptable for him to treat you in this way. I'd suggest that, together, you find mechanisms which stop his temper getting so bad. I'm not suggest you give in, but maybe anger management would help. Maybe you two should agree on a system or something where, when he's approaching boiling point, you both agree to stop the conversation dead. Then he MUST take a walk around the block or something to cool down.

Best of luck. I'm sure you and he can find some coping mechanisms together, but please don't let this go on.

The pushing and shoving is only the beginning. Doubt not, it will escalate. I have been into a relationship with an abuser, this is how it started. He eventually tried to kill me by choking me, on Christmas day, on my property, and refusing to leave until I called the police.

Please get out of that relationship as soon as you can!

I also recommend you to read ''Why does he do that - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'' , by Lundy Bancroft, I bought and read it, it's one of the best out there on the topic of abusive men. It will shed light on every possible question you could have.

Please do no marry or have kids with an abuser. It will turn your life into a nightmare. Don't subject your future kids to this.

Idk I love him though, I really do. It's confusing (

I know it's hard and that you love him. If he loves you, he needs to man-up and sort out these issues of his. If he wont do that, then your first priority must be to protect yourself.

It doesn't get better. I have been there. Love without respect isn't really love.

Idk I'm just really scared right now not cause of him I just don't like being without him and when I am I'm depressed and terrified and miss him.

Short and to the point? I don't agree. Yes, pushing is just as bad as hitting. Abuse and assault are never okay in any form. I really hope you reconsider this marriage... and the relationship. Up to you though

You "love" him. That is a feeling. But what about the relationship, objectively? No, it is not loving. Love is also an act. Pushing crosses the line and, as everyone has said, it will escalate. You are experienced with abusive patterns, and now you are in another one. Get out of that zone into something better. Don't let your feelings rule your life. Balance them with reason. One voice of reason is everyone in this thread who recognizes the abuse escalation pattern.

I have anger issues of my own, and I am working on them. They are not my husband's fault, and I would never hit him even though I am very strong and I could. (Makes me sick to just type that.) Get into a better place. You don't deserve this.

>The only thing he has ever done that has made me 100% terrified was one day a couple weeks ago. We got into a fight and he pushed me on the bed and pressed the thumbs of both of his hands into my neck right above my throat. He didn't choke me, but it did hurt for a couple days after.

Run. Don't stay with someone that already terrified you like this! You are in danger. Listen to yourself, look at what you wrote. You are trying to rationalize this. Which is a mistake.

Love is blind.. oh so blind... If he can't control his anger, or get help to control his anger, I'd suggest for you to just run. Run fast.. Because it never gets better, it always gets worse. Sometimes we feel oooo that wasn't so bad, I can deal with it. or He didn't mean to hurt me.... Bottom line that is just making excuses for him. Seems we for whatever reason I don't know, tend to not want to hurt those who hurt us.. So we minimize it.... And the pushing gets worse... and that first little slap turns into a punch..Next thing you know you are a basket case.. Afraid... Blaming yourself for what "he" does to you.... and Not knowing which way to turn............ So to avoid all of that, I'd suggest you find another person to invest your love in.... just my opinion....

Also....abuse is NOT love.

I can't read the rest without getting angry
sorry ! He ONLY PUSHED ME !
Get REAL !
You almost sound grateful. WAKE UP ! And get out !
Abusive relationships are dangerous in WHATEVER FORM. He's 'ONLY' pushed you ! Isn't that enough ?
Next, you'll be telling yourself, it's your fault.
You want confirmation it's not as bad as hitting you ?
Read the warning signs. Get out ! You know the answer, abuse is abuse !
Maybe not what you want to admit to yourself. But wake up ! One push, is a push too far. Get out, fast.

I'm sorry for being stupid :/

>I'm sorry for being stupid

You're apologizing to us?

You got in a pattern that you can't see from an outside point of view. That doesn't make you stupid. It's a very common problem. You had doubts and you asked for an outside perspective, and the perspective you got is quite consistent.

I know it wasn't anything against anyone. I just don't feel very good lately

It's very hard to get out of an abusive relationship. That choking threat frightens me too. I think maybe you know what you need to do but it's just hard to do it. Did you know fear feeds into love feelings and mixes you up so the love feels intense? You need to get distance from this so you can begin to see it for what it is.

I didn't know that. But I've loved him since before all of this happened. I appreciate everyone's concerns. I'm just still going through it all in my head.

I say RUN FOR THE HILLS from this guy if you want any type of good life remember it is your life too and will affect the rest of it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are not stupid.

You are afraid to leave him, I know.

You are not ready to leave him?

It does not make what he is doing right though.

I really hope you can realize deep within you that this is not as good as a relationship gets; that you DO deserve much better.

I know it's hard.

I know it feels like you are being torn apart.

I have been there.

I know.

I am not telling you what to do either way.

I am just concerned about you as everyone else on here is.

You should not be hurt.

And you are not stupid.

This might have been all you ever understood about love and about men and about what a relationship is. Also, I validate your feelings for him. Still, he is hurting you. You don't deserve that. He does not deserve your love.

you are not stupid.

Maybe just not ready to let him go.

And we are (I am) very concerned that you will get hurt more and possibly very badly.

Take care of yourself please.

Carol