[shezbut]

I now remember my relationship with my grandfather/"Godfather" and Grandmother. My Grandpa was brutally abusive to everyone ~ physically and emotionally.

This began long before I was born and continued until the day that my Grandpa died. Now that I've finally put the pieces together, and have begun to understand that emotions aren't necessarily worth shame, I need to know what I do with those emotions that I'm used to automatically "stuffing". How do I prevent myself from stuffing my shameful emotions away in a dark place?

Maybe I don't need to worry about this happening now, since I'm aware now. I don't know. I'm just tired of repressing, and am looking for some hopeful words from others.

[Leed]

Hi dear Shezbut ~ why do you feel shame? These things happened many years ago, and undoubtedly had nothing to do with YOU. correct?? Is it that you're ashamed of your Grandpa? He's gone -- he passed away! There's nothing he can do to hurt you anymore. And there's a very good possibility that no one remembers him anymore except your family.

So why the shame? YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing! YOU did NOTHING shameful. nothing. Shame is NOT inherited. My Mom was an awful alcoholic, but *I* don't feel shame for what SHE did. She made a fool out of herself at some taverns at times, but that does NOT reflect on Me. That was HER cross to bear, not mine.

So if you're feeling shame about some family member, go bury it in the back yard. It doesnt belong to you. It's NOT yours. If you have to, make a ceremony out of it -- write shame on a piece of paper, and actually DO bury it in the back yard. Some people have actually done this. God bless my friend. Love, Lee

[shezbut]

Hi Lee,

It sounds very strange to almost everyone that I have talked with, they just cannot comprehend what I'm trying to say. It's this: I grew up in an atmosphere where crying, sadness, and other "weak" emotions were looked down upon not just from my Grandpa....but I guess by everyone else, because no one stood up to him to protect us.

So, it felt like was me against everyone.

My parents always said that I could trust them, blah, blah. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget the way I saw them treat my sister (who was in & out of the house and Anti Social personality Disorder took over in early teens)!! Nor could I forget how they never came to our rescue at Grandma & Grandpa's house! Why in the hell should I ever trust them?

We all make mistakes ~ I know. I am trying not to get off track here... but what I am saying is that I have been holding these deep feelings inside for so many years out of deep habit, how do I turn that around? While part of my mind just kind of does what I want in that moment, I can make the orders to take a shower, brush teeth, etc. It isn't that easy with emotional reactions.

Sorry for rambling...That's where I'm coming from.

From my experience, Shez, your hiding and repressing your emotions is not going to go away overnight. It's something you've done most of your life and it's just not something you can instantly stop or turn off. Remembering and coming to grips with why you are how you are will dramatically help though. You'll start realizing "hey, I feel __________ " and it's okay to let it go or to feel that way. It will actually be a conscious decision on your part at first and not always possible, but KNOWING what you're doing and why is the first, the largest step, to correcting it. My situation is not that much different than yours. It's only been the last year or so that I've realized that most of my issues stem from my dysfunctional mom, but knowing has helped me to better understand myself and I believe I've made strives in the right direction, and you will too.

[Leed]

Hey Shezbut ~ I do understand holding these emotions in. You're basically holding resentments, isn't that true? Aren't you pretty much angry at your parents and your grandparents for not protecting you?

Resentments are poisonous. "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." While you say that they're all these emotions, it all boils down to resentments. That's exactly what I did for many years. It took therapy to get me to realize it too.

The thing is, we need to forgive those who hurt us -- not for THEIR sake but for OURS. Resentment is like a cancer -- it eats us inside out. If we don't get rid of it by forgiveness, we'll stay sick and get sicker the longer we carry the resentments. I found that out. So for my own sake, I had to forgive those who had hurt me so badly. And I HAVE truly forgiven them.

Think about it Shezbut. If I'm mis-understanding, let me know. But when we have all those emotions repressed, they ARE resentments. God bless my friend. Hugs, Lee

[purple_fins]

shezbut

maybe you are stuffing the emotions and feeling shame because you were taught that some emotions where forbidden to have.... and so letting yourself have those emotions and be OK with them could be a step in the right direction... you think? or am I way off here?

I wasn't allowed to cry and we were all disciplined if we showed we were sick, learned to trudge along and not show that I was sick, siblings too. Am working on, presently, with overcoming the feelings of shame when I am physically ill. It's very difficult when one has been "programmed" a certain way since infancy -- to re-write the way the mind needs to think. I still isolate(but not as much as I used to) and feel bad about self when ill-- though I am aware of those reaction now-- which makes it possible to take a step closer to that -- "inner peace", as I like to call it (healing).

anyway-- don't know if that life example made sense

I think you are on a good track in discovering this I wish you more healing- ever increasing inner peace.

fins

[Meisjes]

Hi Shezbut
I too was shamed for having any feelings. If I was happy/excited - told to simmer down, be quiet, don't go by your feelings. If i was sad/angry/crying - told , that's nothing to cry about, if you're going to cry I'll give you something to cry about, if you're going to get mad you're going to get a strapping. always a negative to any emotion. It is still hard to allow myself to feel but I've noticed that by working on changing the messages in my mind about the abuse to - not my fault, its ok to cry, that was wrong, they were wrong, that's a lie, I can cry, etc. - over a long period of time, I am now finding that there are people who are safe to express feelings too. Still working on finding them too but it is happening and feelings are becoming more spontaneous to the situations as they happen. It also helps to not try to force yourself, if it doesn't happen, don't worry about it. My last T said this is very important to give myself whatever time I needed even if it takes the rest of my life. I'm not on a time limited offer kind of deal. he said eventually it will happen when I'm not focused on it so much.

I loved Mork and Mindy too - My T was blessed with going to school with Pam Dawber. He loved to tease her and asked her to marry him. Said he would have too. Said Pam hit him on the head with her binder - No!! lol

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I now remember my relationship with my grandfather/"Godfather" and Grandmother. My Grandpa was brutally abusive to everyone ~ physically and emotionally.

This began long before I was born and continued until the day that my Grandpa died. Now that I've finally put the pieces together, and have begun to understand that emotions aren't necessarily worth shame, I need to know what I do with those emotions that I'm used to automatically "stuffing". How do I prevent myself from stuffing my shameful emotions away in a dark place?

Maybe I don't need to worry about this happening now, since I'm aware now. I don't know. I'm just tired of repressing, and am looking for some hopeful words from others.

hey Shezbut,

This is what I did with the shame I felt.......I gave it back to the person who dumped it on me. When your a kid or vulnerable in someway and someone hurts you, they should be ashamed. Instead, they leave it with you as they walk away. I would take a ball, a piece of wood or some other object and I would write what I felt about what happened to me. I would them throw it, jump on it, crush or whatever release I needed to give them back back all the crappy feelings they dumped on me. I did it with great gusto.

Sabra

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Leed

You're basically holding resentments, isn't that true? Aren't you pretty much angry at your parents and your grandparents for not protecting you?

You do make a good point about me holding onto strong resentments. I am particularly resentful towards my mother and my aunt, and my grandfather. All for different reasons, but very strong emotions attached to each of them (as well as a few other family members). I am aware that I hold onto resentment. And I acknowledge that foolish choice I'm currently making only making things more painful for myself. But, it is the choice that I have had to make until I have the ability to accept the past. I don't have that ability yet. I sure wish that I did ~ but I don't.

Anyway, I do believe that difficulty that I'm struggling with is a separate issue in itself. Whereas the struggle is myself having such a difficult time expressing raw emotions. That's what I believe.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

maybe you are stuffing the emotions and feeling shame because you were taught that some emotions where forbidden to have.... and so letting yourself have those emotions and be OK with them could be a step in the right direction... you think? or am I way off here?

That's exactly it, fins. It is really HARD to let myself feel what is "naturally" okay to feel! Holy smokes!! Thank you for understanding and posting your response. It is hard ~ I'm sorry that you can understand what I'm talking about though. I hope that we both reach some level of inner peace soon!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Meisjes

...It is still hard to allow myself to feel but I've noticed that by working on changing the messages in my mind about the abuse to - not my fault, its ok to cry, that was wrong, they were wrong, that's a lie, I can cry, etc. - over a long period of time, I am now finding that there are people who are safe to express feelings too. Still working on finding them too but it is happening and feelings are becoming more spontaneous to the situations as they happen. It also helps to not try to force yourself, if it doesn't happen, don't worry about it. My last T said this is very important to give myself whatever time I needed even if it takes the rest of my life. I'm not on a time limited offer kind of deal. he said eventually it will happen when I'm not focused on it so much.

Thank you very much Meisjes!

You said a lot that I can really relate to! I'd imagine that a lot of my quiet, respectful, well-mannered behaviors are due to that environment that I grew up in. My dad always put it as, "Children were there to be watching, not to be watched." We were NOT supposed to interrupt OR make a lot of noise, whatever kids often do. If we did, we be belted, beaten, and/or sent out to the car until Mom & Dad were ready to go. I behaved extremely well. {Mom & Dad still brag about how they got remarks wherever they went with me from strangers about what a "good little girl" I was.} As a result, I distinctly recall NEVER feeling like a child. Never fitting in with other kids. I was definitely a loner ~ extremely depressed and anxious. Childhood and teenage years were horrible for me x 1,000!!

Thank goodness I'm in adulthood now! At least I don't have everybody and their mother judging me still. whew! My T isn't pressuring me to be more forgiving of myself, but he did recommend a book to me. I don't have the title in front of me right now. But, it's a book aimed more towards professionals and the educated, as it's about giving yourself a break, instead of being your worst critic. I'm not sure if I have the brain power to make it through the book ~ I'll have to read a chapter in the library or bookstore before I buy it! My brain really doesn't work like it used to, and I don't want to waste the money....

Thank you for responding ~ very best wishes to you!

[shezbut]

Sabra,

Wow! I don't know what to say...

I've never even thought of doing something like that to let go of my emotions physically. I wonder if it would work, or if it would take some practice until it actually becomes an effective tool?

I'll have to mention that idea to someone in my DBT group and see what they think. I have a hard time visualizing myself doing this, in case you hadn't noticed. Not that I'm super-****...just a little.

Thank you for your helpful input!!

[Sannah]

I hope that you can talk about what happened to you in session and let those feelings out.