[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So I'm back needing some opinions on something.

I posted a while back about my brother and SA when I was younger. The thread can be found here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...g-out-now.html

I was finally able to confront my brother on the issue that went on from when I was a toddler until I was in the 7th grade. He finally was made to get help because my moms boyfriend noticed something was off. He started when he was around 4 and stopped when he was around 15. During the later years it was just small things, probably so I wouldn't tell my mom or anything I don't know. If you read the previous post you will understand it all.

In that post it has the conversation he and I had through email about everything. He told me what happened to him that caused him to take it out on me and a lot of other things. After the conversation I felt bad for him. My husband (just got married last week) insisted that my brother was trying to make me feel bad for him and didn't mean what he was saying and ultimately I asked my brother to not attend the wedding and am thankful for that.

But yesterday morning I received another email from my brother. It said:

"Mom Is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there. I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom"

Already I didn't like the email, it seemed like he was putting the blame on me saying the least I could do was help him come up with an excuse. So I replied:

"Well I told them I was fine with it so there should be no reason why anyone would be upset. Just say you got called into work, ran out of gas, had troubles with your girlfriend, went to jail, flat tire, there are a ton of excuses you can use"

Well I went to my moms yesterday and casually asked her (she doesn't know about the abuse and I prefer it that way) if she was mad at my brother. I said "brother sent me and email apologizing for not being able to make it to the wedding" (he didn't apologize I was trying to come up with a way to find out) "and he said you are mad at him and none of the family is talking to him because he didn't go to the wedding" and she said no, that's not true. The last time she heard from him was the wedding day when she texted him asking if he was going to make it (I told him many times before the wedding to come up with an excuse) and his response was "Big problems" and that's it. She texted back asking what was going on and he never responded. She hasn't heard anything else from him and none of the family is mad. They are still talking to him.

So now I see his email was him trying to make me feel bad. He is trying to make me feel guilty for what he did, he is trying to make me feel guilty for my decision and he is trying to make me feel guilty about everything. I may be wrong but that's the way it seems to me.

So if he's trying to make me feel guilty it makes me wonder if there is any part of him that was sorry, any part of him that accepted the blame, any part of him that saw the wrong in his actions.

All of my past abusers made me feel like the abuse was my fault. I always felt guilty for what happened. In the last 3 years I have lost that guilt feeling and now know where the guilt is propperly placed, on the abusers and not me. I refuse to let another abuser make me feel guilty at all. Especially for making a decision to keep myself healthy both physically and emotionally on my wedding day.

If he's trying to make me feel guilty then I'm afraid I may never be able to be around my brother again. I had hopes that one day we would be able to be around eachother again, but if he doesn't see how I'm not the one to blame at all, he hasn't changed and I wont put myself through that or risk anything with my 5 year old daughter.

For those who have experienced confronting your abuser, what did their guilt trips on you mean to you? Do you believe it means they haven't changed? Do you believe they see nothing wrong in their actions? How would you take the emails?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Here is the email when I confronted him and the exchange of emails discussing this, for anyone that doesn't want to skim through the other post

Me: I have been having a hard time dealing with things from the past. When you came back into town it caused an emotional breakdown. I spent years trying to ignore what happened when we were kids, trying to convince myself that it was just a dream so when you came back I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It was bad.
I think mentally it would be best for me if I could have some distance. And unfortunately that would include the wedding. I can't have reminders of the past I'm trying to overcome on the day I'm starting my future.
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about and I don't want to cause a riff in the family so I'd prefer you make up an excuse for not attending the wedding so we don't have to go into details with everyone or anyone.
If you haven't gone to therapy for this since high school I'd suggest going to therapy. It really helps put everything into perspective

I hate to go over all of this when you're in such a bad place and I'm sorry you're going through so much, but unfortunately things are bad mentally for me right now and I've really got to look out for my mental state for Elaines sake at least

Him: Yea Ben made me do things.when he taped it. I tried.to ignore it All these years, I respect your.decision
I've wanted to talk about it because I was young too and I got beat for it. I didn't know what was happening. I'm ****ed up over.this.for 20 years
And he used.to kiss me.in my room
I won't ever come.around you, mom or.Brian again

Him: Do you want to talk about.it before you cut. Me out of your life?

Me: I need time to process what you said in the first post. What do you mean? What happened with Ben and a camera?

Him: Everything stopped when he left
I don't know if there was a camera
But he would watch movies
Then tell me what was happening
I went to therapy when mom net Gabe

Me: What did Ben do? I remember the therapy but what exactly would Ben do?

Him: For 20 years I tried.to pretend.it was fake
When you just messages be it.became real
I can't even kiss my own kids

Me: Well what did Ben do?

Him: It was Gale too

Me: I'm sorry to be so blunt, I've only started dealing with this this past year after I had the seizure. I haven't said anything to mom or Brian, you don't need to stay away from them, that's not my purpose in bringing this up. I just need to work through it on my own, it's been hard just to admit it

Him: Yea I'm damaged.too
But.not.like you
Ben wasn't.the.worst
Gale was

Me: We all are pretty screwed up, if you need time to think about it before you say what happened that's fine. I just need some time too to process everything

Him: I was like six and started doing what was done to be
Me
Well I'm not a monster
I'm not deranged
I know what's right and wrong

Me: I kinda figured that. Kids do what they see or experience

Him: When I knew what was wrong it ended
That's why I alienate myself

Me: The issue isn't that, the reason I need space is I need to deal with it on my time and when you came back it brought on everything I've been trying to ignore and I need to be able to deal with it on my time and not so fast

Him: I really wanted to come to your wedding but I understand completely

Me: Did mom know? When you went to therapy did she know why?

Him: Hell no
I just wanted to end my life
I started.eating glass

Me: I didn't think so and I'd rather she not, she would more than likely blame herself

Him: Yes she already blames herself

Me: Have you considered going back to therapy and telling them about it? It really helps.

Him: No. I have issues.from war that are worse
I mean
Physical damage

Me: Therapy can help with both, I went from February to October and am finally able to confront the issues.

Him: You talking.to me took a lot.of courage

Me: What all did Ben and Gale do to you? I don't recall Gale. Did Ben know about everything too

Him: Ben watched after he made me watch porn with him

Me: I don't remember Ben being around

Him: With Gale all I remember is it being dark and my whole body felt like it was on fire
He shoved socks in ny mourn
Mouth
I never sleep with the lights.off anymore

Me: I don't even remember Gale. Just what I've heard and he was a piece of crap

Him: Ben was there at Blaire apartments
So was Gale, before Ben
There was another.brick apartment before th at

Me: I remember him being there I just don't remember him being around the other instances.
We lived in Twin Oaks after Blaire apartments but I think we lived with Grandma before Blaire Apartments

Him: I don't remember anything about grandmas

Me: Mom told me we lived with her after she left Dad until we moved to Blaire I think. Ben showed up at Blaire Apts, I have a really good memory just not when it comes to what we are discussing or Bens beatings. But I remember enough to know what happened wasn't right

Him: Ben didn't just beat
I know it wasn't right and I don't know what happened to cause it. I was so young that I was prematurely exposed and all I remember is a closet, a sock, crying and fire
I don't remember my childhood and. I think it's better that way
I could never understand.what you're going through
But I won't be at the wedding. I'll give it a year before I visit.mom

Me: Visit mom and Brian, neither of them know (I don't think Brian knows) and it's likely best that way. Don't exclude yourself from the family, I just need some time to process everything, I spent the lat 15-20 years trying to ignore it and am finally confronting it, I need time to deal with it at my pace

Me: I'd really suggest therapy as well, it's not good to ignore the problems, they don't go away and just make things much worse and much more difficult to deal with later on
I appreciate your understanding and admitting it

Him: It wasn't 15 years.ago though
That would make me 13
I was in highschool

Me: I don't remember when it was, when it started stopped or anything like that. I just remember that it happened

Him: This was in.elementsry

Me: In Main St it happened though, that's all I remember time wise

Him: No
No
Not.Main St

Me: And Ben was there in Main St too, most of the time in Main St

Him: I remember remnants
I don't remember if Main St because I was with sarah and elizabeth
It was the trailer before that

Me: THe one time I remember the most was Main St and being in my bedroom, that's the only time I remember somewhat clearly.

Him: Ok I'm sorry. I just don't remember that

Me: Grandmas was the only trailor we lived in before Main St, she moved into a trailer by Twin Oaks though when we lived at Twin Oaks for a few months

Him: It was a trailer with.Ben
We played.sega
Had a christmas

Me: I'm pretty sure the only trailer we lived in with Ben was Main St. We got the Sega in Main St, the nintendo at Blaire Apts
No,, Twin Oaks for the Nintendo
OK I was right the first time, Blaire for the Nintendo, I get the names mixed up. We moved to Main St though when I was 7
Or 6, but the second grade

Him: You remember a lot more th an me

Me: I have a really good memory, just not when it comes to certain things, I realized when I was much older I had blackouts during this time. I don't remember all of the first grade, the same year Ben moved in

Him: I didn't know what I was doing
When we left Main St I turned to drugs
It made me forget
Because I did not want to do those things

Me: I turned to drinking, but nothing fixes the problem unless you confront it head on

Him: I don't want us to never have a relationship .... But i.will wait 100 years.if you need.to

Me: Just consider therapy, and when I'm at a better place I'll leet you know if I'm ready to deal with it more, but right now I need to go at my own pace. Don't cut out mom or Brian. Thank you for understanding

Him: Ok

[Leed]

This is just my opinion, but he's lying to you about the fact that Mom is mad at him, and so is the whole family and no one is talking to him. Now what does your GUT really tell you? My gut says that it was all a line of BS just so HE can make you feel bad this time -- just so HE can get some sympathy. Is that his usual "MO?" Well, if it is, he's right back to doing it again.

I don't think I'd believe a thing he said again. If he couldn't be honest about something as simple as this issue (him coming to a wedding) then what about the important things? Are you going to be able to believe him about those? Heck no.

Sorry my friend. I know you don't want to "write off" your brother, but I don't think you have any other choice, for the safety of your family! God bless & keep us posted, will you? Hugs, Lee

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me like he is trying to be honest with you about the fact that "he" was abused too. He was just a little boy, remember, hurt people hurt other people. I think you gave him good advice about getting therapy. It looks like you have a lot to process with all this new info. He may have said your mother was mad and not talking to him to see if you told them anything.

I am very sorry all of that happened to you, and sorry if he was abused too. It takes alot longer than previously thought to develope empathy and look at things as not us being the center of the universe. It is not unusual for children to keep these things hidden and even for many years. So it is a challenge to go back and look at it more objectively "from the child's ability to really understand things at that time".

He did give you a big clue that he does struggle with it, not even being able to kiss his own children. I believe he is still very "confused" psychologically.

[Wednesday's Child]

Thank you so much for sharing. Congratulations on your wedding!

Im sorry your mum wasn't able to protect either you or your brother. It sounds to me like your brother feels guilt and remorse for exposing you to something he didn't understand either. I hope he does seek therapy for himself as a survivor and also as a perpetrator, everyone would benefit, especially his kids.
Although the road ahead is a rocky one, with your husband's support and the love, strength & compassion you appear to possess I reckon your future looks pretty awesome.

Keep taking care of you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am glad you shared with us.

I hope things heal.

Whatever happens.

I am sorry you went thru this.

And I am happy for you about your new union. Many many years of happiness and healing!

Peace,

Carol

[skeksi]

I'm glad you did what felt right to YOU and asked him not to attend. I am sure that was very hard to stick to (it would be for me).

It sounds like your brother was a victim too, but it does NOT make it okay that he victimized you. It does NOT make your current discomfort with him wrong or bad. It's how you feel. Respect that.

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

"Mom Is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there. I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom"

I agree with you that this doesn't seem right. It's making you lie about something related to the abuse--again. Just my opinion. You were more than generous in giving him examples, and then to find out that things are not as he described them--that's frustrating. Maybe he's manipulating you, or maybe his own guilt has him misperceiving things. Either way, you have a right to set boundaries to keep him out of your life as much as you want.

[unaluna]

I agree with skeski. He doesn't want to get therapy, he plays the "I'm physically hurt" card on you ( like you're not??), and he tries to talk circles around you. Is it really that important WHERE these things happened? No, but if he can get you to change your mind on an address, then next he will get you to change your mind on the facts. that's how I read that conversation. Kind of relentless. And I wouldn't worry too much about manipulating the situation for your mother. The way I feel about mine is, if she wouldn't protect me back then, will she even believe me now? The scary thing about parents dying is that we are alone in the world without a protector - but some of us have never had a protector.

[Open Eyes]

Hankster, while I can understand how you would feel that way? I am not so sure your perception of "his" reasoning is right. He "did" admit and also talked about how "messed up he is as well". He is talking about his "own" abuse too, and it sounds like he has "never" opened up about it until this conversation purple has shown us.

It is "very" hard to look back on these childhood experiences as an adult. It is soooo important to understand "what capacities a child has to understand abuse".

I was also abused by my brother, and I was way to little to understand it. I didn't even know how to "tell" either, I really remember being "afraid". I have never had this kind of conversation with my brother, however I do know he has sought therapy for "years". He was abused as well in many ways. Ignorance was a huge factor in what happened to him and myself.

It has been very hard for me to process as well. I look back "being a mother, a good mother" and it is soooo hard for me to see what I had to find a way to live through when I was so young, just a toddler and for years after. I have really "cried alot" about it, because I can "feel that troubled child in me" and knowing what I know now? Its alot to sort through. All I know is that it is very important to understand "what children are capable of understanding". They truely do "not" have the life experiences to understand what we understand as adults. They don't even have any idea how to even "talk about it" either.

I think it was good that there has at least been some talk about this between Purple and her brother. It also sounds like he has some PTSD from war too? In that alone he is going to "distance". And it sounds like their mother was really not there for them, was divorced and trying to find some place to live and get her own life together.

[unaluna]

Open eyes, I felt the same way you did, until I read his response on her wedding day, which was simply "big problems", which to me indicated he was still focused on himself. I too found the email exchange hopeful, but up to a point. I would see them maybe starting off going to therapy together, but I think the brother has a longer way to go, for whatever reasons, so it would end up him breaking off for individual therapy. But I don't think you and I are that different in how we reacted and understood these posts, honestly - more similar than different. I agree with what you said, but then focused more on the negative end, where it does not come to closure, and why.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all. I am tending to lean toward Hankster in his assessment of it all.

My husband said before with the beginning of the email that he thinks my brother is playing the victim card. He didn't respond really besides saying something about a camera and him being made to. When I asked about the camera he changed the story which made my husband think it was a way to make me feel sorry for him. Not to mention he got the dates way off and I'm guessing it's his attempt to make it seem better. But I have a good memory when it's not blacking out and I know when it ended.

He said it started when we moved into our first apartments, I was 3 which would make him 6 or 7. A 7 year old doesn't really understand. But when the boyfriend who beat moved in, he lived with us until I was 9. I remember it specifically happening in that home which we lived in for another two years after they broke up. So he was 14 at this time. When she met the boyfriend that my brother says stepped in and it stopped was the next year when he got put into therapy. He was 15 I was 11 (shortly before my 12th birthday). I remember these instances and people very well and often have to correct my family on the time line. By the time I was 9 I started getting more brave and avoiding any situations with my brother where we were alone but there were still things that weren't so extreme.

So it happened for 6 years extreme and another 2 years not so extreme but he denied the age. Maybe he just doesn't realize how much older he was.

But he pretended like it didn't happen for that long and that it stopped when he was young, but it's not true. He also, what it seemed like to me, tried to make me feel bad for him when I was confronting him.

I don't think he lied about it all, but I think he is justifying it with these excuses. But I did feel bad for him and I did want to build a relationship with him one day when I am ready.

But his text during the wedding made it seem like he's worried about his own issues and the email he sent to me after the wedding about the excuse seemed like he was blaming it on me that he wasn't there. Like it was my responsibility, since I brought this up or didn't invite him, to fix everything for him. And on top of that, there was nothing to fix and he just wanted another pity party or to make me feel bad for something I should not.

I spent the first 22 years of my life being made to feel like every abusive thing that happened to me was my fault in some way, made to feel sympathy for my abuser. And I'm sorry but I'm done with that. I'm done feeling bad for them when I haven't had a chance to feel bad for myself and what they put me through. I deserve better than that. And the more I think about my brothers emails the more angry I get.

He hasn't responded since I gave him the excuses, I think he was expecting me to feel bad for him, say I'm so sorry I didn't let him go, tell everyone it was all my fault and he's just a stand up guy... But I wont. I hate feeling this way about my brother but I' hate feeling guilty for things I had no control over when I was victimized and I wont go back to that life.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I hate feeling this way about my brother but I' hate feeling guilty for things I had no control over when I was victimized and I wont go back to that life.

You sound very strong and assertive. Bravo.

[Gr3tta]

hi pfm - wb! i'm sorry it's under sad circumstances.

maybe your brother is feeling jealous of you? because of all the hard work you have done to help yourself be a stronger, happier person? he was also (at least possibly) an abuse victim, and maybe he has failed not only to come to terms with the wrong he did as a perpetrator, but also with the hurt he himself endured.
i don't think this in anyway excuses bad behavior, but it is my idea of a possible explanation for his behavior.
in your position i would absolutely continue to keep myself and my daughter away from him.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I see what you are saying Hankster, and it got me thinking too. I have always been the "victim", always, I never abused "anyone" so I have no idea what goes on in the mind of and abuser, even if they have themselves been a victim which does happen.

I think what I was saying though, is at least he "acknowledged" some of it purple.

What I have noticed consistantly is whenever someone has abused me in any way, they "never appologize directly to me" and they do take steps to avoid admission or responsiblity and they have even gone so far as to paint a picture of "me" being somehow responsible. And they often seem to want to "talk down to me or make an effort to discredit me" as well somehow. Sometimes it has even become "their mission" to try to find someway to put me down in front of others somehow.

In fact I asked my T about that this past tuesday in our session. I asked why my husband still has a tendency to do that to me, talk down to me, be short with me, be dismissive to me, talk over me.

A family councelor I was seeing for a time after my husband and I had been separated for a time and were trying to get back together told me that when someone does something wrong or bad to another person, anytime they are around that other person they are reminded of what they did, and their guilt so they get angry and will often even be mean to that other person. My husband did this alot to me before he told me about how he cheated on me. He was also a binge alcoholic and while he has been sober for going on 22 years now, he still tends to do that negetive behavior towards me sometimes. He was really bad when he was and active binge alcoholic. He would be really nice, tell me he loved me so much, then be mean to me too.

I have noticed this pattern is a constant. My neighbor who was careless and negligent about fixing his broken containment system for his dog which lead to so many of my horses and ponies to be so badly damaged by his dog goes out of his way to tear down my no trespassing signs, call me crazy, and try to blame "me" for something this is "his" fault.

Well, enough about me, but my point was at least he gave you "some" admission. But he is still in "denial" and this seems to be something abusers of any kind seem to need to do somehow, and I don't think they are even really aware of it tbh.

It is as if they want to "shut up their victim" so they don't have to face their guilt somehow. And it is also "if they can find a way to put down their victim then they can feel better about themselves somehow". It's like "dissociate from ones own guilt by putting down or blaming the victim" scenario.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

When I turned to the teenage years and my brother moved out of the house, when he would come once a year he was always super nice to me. Tried to buy me things, took me places etc. Said I could do anything I wanted to do with my life and he would help and support.

But the one thing he never did was apologize to me for what happened when I was a child. He may have a guilty conscience about it I don't know but the one thing I needed wasn't money or support or help but aknowledgement that I was wronged by him. And I never got it.

Because he was so supportive and nice during my teenage years after we had the email exchange I wondered if it was connected, if he was nice as a way to make it up to me. But I don't buy that anymore.

My other brother was horrible in a physically abusive way. Much more than typical fighting siblings. He would bruise me bad. I wouldn't be able to walk for days. It was an every day thing. Everything ended up with me bruised bleeding and in horrible pain. He would get bigger girls from my street to come to my house for the sole purpose of fighting me, knowing I'd never been in a fight before. And he would sit there and laugh. But about 6 years ago he sat down with me and apologized, he cried and said he was so sorry and I never deserved any of it and he hated himself for it. I didn't ask him for an apology, I didn't bring it up, he did it because he meant it.

If my other brother had apologized and meant it, and not apologized because I confronted him over it maybe things would be different. I do feel for him and what was done to him but he was the older sibling, he should have known better than to continue for so long. He should have apologized years ago. He should have stopped on his own without someone else making him.

I also don't like his blaming me for him not being at the wedding

[Open Eyes]

It was nice that your other brother appologized to you that way.

I am not telling you to feel sorry or excuse your other brothers behavior and I hope that is not what you are taking away from my posts.

My older brother never appologized to me for his behavior, I have not spoken to him in years and he doesn't know I suffer from PTSD either. I know he has had years of therapy and is a born again Christian though.

My brother was a problem child, perhaps may have been on the autistic scale or Asbergers. It was not known then about these challenges and the answer was always dicipline. My older brother was constantly being hit/spanked and often taken out to a shed out back. He was severely bulled on the bus, he was constantly hit and diciplined by teachers too. He really struggled to learn too.

I really struggle with remembering my past and there is a big part of me that feels sorry for him because he was "abused constantly". And he took his frustration and anger out on me because I was smaller, younger and just "there".

What I can say is Children are being studied and they now know that children do not understand empathy. Children see themselves as the center of the universe and things around them are things/people they try to control somehow. Boys mature much slower than girls do, they are at least two years behind and can be more so if they are abused in some way. We also know that females are more emotionally intelligent then males are, which is why we often struggle with how our male counterparts "do not remember or feel the way females do".

I do not try to make "excuses" for others, but what I "do" do is I try to understand the "whys" as much as I can. I do know that some children block out abuse and do not remember, while other children, especially females remember more, especially if they had to constantly find ways to be safe somehow. And because children are the center of their own universe, often they are more aware of "their pain and challenges" then they are of others around them.

It has been very hard for me to look back on my childhood, which I do alot of in flashbacks, and with my adult mind, realize that I really did not have capacities to understand things when I was a child as I do now. It was extremely hard for me to open up and talk about my childhood in therapy too. My subconscious mind had a very strong set message that I should not "tell" or that "no one would understand or hear me" or that "I should have done more, known more, asked for help more" and it took me a long time to realize that I simply did not know how and I really believed that if I did tell, it would make "everything so much worse". I have never stopped feeling that way, and so I have never really told my parents everything. Like you, I feel it would only hurt them, I don't know, I feel deeply that I do not want something that hurt, to cause even more hurt. If you notice, see how you all still hide it from your mother? The worry, "did you tell mom?"

I am still working through it all myself, it is a challenge to sort through, yes I know.

OE

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for your responses open eyes.

And I do understand that he was victimized and yes, that does make it less confusing as to why it happened and could even be an excuse for why he did it. BUT it in no way shape or form is an excuse for why he continued to do it for so many years. Nor is there an excuse for why he didn't give me a long deserved apology until I confronted him.

My mom was sexually abused as a child by all of her cousins. It breaks my heart to hear about it but she was. When we went to a family reunion I didn't know about all if it. Shortly after the reunion she told me and I was fuming. The thought of being in the same room as those pedophiles made me sick to my stomach and I kept obsessing over going to their homes and confronting them with a baseball bat (I was in highschool at the time, a huge ball of emotions yet somehow managed to never get into a fight). She and I had many debates on her cousins.

She would always give them an excuse "Well they were only doing what was done to them. They were only acting out the only thing that they new" but my response was, always has been and always will be "When you get to a certain age you know right from wrong. They passed that age long ago and once you realize what you have done is wrong there is no more excuses"

At 15 years old he knew it was wrong. At 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 and likely even 9. At 5 years old I knew it was wrong. There is no excuse for him to continue it until he was 15 years old without stopping or seeking help. He didn't want to. He didn't want to stop and only did because he had to.

He got help for it. I didn't! He was sent to therapy at 15 years old to deal with his actions toward me. And there I am 12 years old thankful it's over but crying myself to sleep every night telling myself "It didn't happen, it was only a dream" with no one to talk to because I guess they didn't think I needed therapy for being a victim in the whole mess.

He carried it on for 9 years and 9 years is too long to have any excuses.

And in his email exchange with me a few things went off as alarm bells in my head from the get go.
Him: Yea Ben made me do things.when he taped it
I replied and asked about a camera for Ben to tape it and his response was
Him: Everything stopped when he left
I don't know if there was a camera
But he would watch movies

At first he "taped it" then it was "he would watch movies"

His comment about not sleeping with the lights off anymore is completely false. His room has always been pitch black when he sleeps and even when he's in his room, he uses black lights and such.

If you reread the exchange, he never apologized. He admitted everything that happened to me was wrong but he never once apologized for it.

His brithday was on April 11th and I sent him a short happy birthday but heard nothign from him, to which I was releived.

Then leading up to the wedding he kept contact with my mom about him going to the wedding. I was genuinely concerned he would be there so I appointed a friend of mine to basically be a "bouncer" to make sure he didn't show up. Then on the wedding day all he says is "big problems" to my mom.

I get back from my honeymoon only to get this message from him

Mom Is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there. I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom

"Mom is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there."
^ BS. No one is mad at him and they all expected it. He hasn't talked to my mom since he sent that "big problems" text to her and my other brother is still really close to him. The rest of the family didn't care if he was there or not.

I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom

I should at least help him think of an excuse before he calls our mom? He had PLENTY of time to come up with an excuse to tell her. He had 20 years to apologize to me before the wedding and we could have smoothed things out. I told him countless times in our email exchange to think of an excuse, just because he probably thought I would change my mind does not mean it is my responsibility to excuse him for anything.

I tried to ignore my original doubts about him from the email exchange but when I got his last email it set me off and I am downright pi$$ed. I'm saddened too because I honestly don't feel that we will ever be able to have a relationship at all now. I don't see that as possible and just lost a family member. But I amm OK with that, it is not my fault, he made his decisions and he has to live with them.

Sorry if this is coming off as angry toward you or your post, I in no way mean it that way. It's just any time I think of the email exchanges I get downright furious.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I totally understand where you are coming from ((purple)), you are seeing things in this exchange better than I am. Yes, he did push responsibility on you "the least you could do"? Yes, your are right, he was putting "you" as being partly responsible. That is what I was saying "does happen" what "abusers do" too. What I saw in that exchange was "you need to help me so mom doesnt find out why". And that is what I was saying seems to "continue" often. You were "right" in standing your ground, while you have your own reasons for not telling your mother, I have them too, you made it a point to leave "him" with finding his own way of offering a reason for him not being at your wedding. You did the right thing, you "are" doing the right thing by not "helping him to look for excuses because "wrong is wrong", yes I hear you. I just think he at least admitted "some" but no, he did not appologize to you, and you know what? Abusers do not know how to do that, can't seem to do that, it happens "constantly" to me. They will, if they can say they are sorry to someone "close" to the victim, but for some reason, they will not directly appoligize to their victim.

This is "exactly what my lawyer does too" he IS WRONG, and he will appologize to my husband BUT NOT DIRECTLY TO ME TO MY FACE. Grrrr, it makes me so mad too, it always goes that way, until I find a way to "make them do it". While I know this happens, I do not know "why" it happens.

OE