Married to another abusive man and very confused

Okay, so I finally remarried after being divorced for five years from a husband who was physically abusive. I never got over my husband. My current husband turns out to be emotionally distant and abusive. For example, just because I had worn shoes in my kitchen and made a scuff-mark on the floor, he put his dirty shoes on and deliberately rubbed them repeatedly on the sofa to teach me a lesson. At the same time I have a desire to go back to the husband who was physically abusive but who has been under treatment for bipolar illness and is doing much better. We still talk regularly and still love each other. However, he is on social security disability and has nothing to offer me. I would basically have to support him. With my current husband I have financial security but a great deal of emotional abuse. With my last husband there is no guarantee that he won't become violent again if we actually went back to each other. Yet he keeps putting pressure on me to divorce my current husband and go back to him. He's convinced we belong together. I've been with him for twenty years and he's the only man I ever really loved at such a deep level. I know I'm acting crazy. I'm trying to go on with my life but every step I take forward I take two steps backward. Any suggestion would be appreciated. My counselor seems to feel that I don't really love my ex -husband and that I am addicted to him instead. This is messing up my life and the life of my grown kids who would never want to see me go back to him.

You need to stop being a caretaker of others, who only use you as a punching bag.

You need to figure out your "own pattern" where you end up with men who mistreat you.

Ditch them both and work on "you" for a while and get both feet firm on the ground for "you" first. You need a partner who appreciates "you" instead of "needs you to be what "they want".

OE

Considering your previous marriage, I agree with Open Eyes.
You need to do what is best for you; and in this case, from what I've read, is that neither of these men are what you need.
You've been through physical abuse and were able to escape from it. The emotional abuse, while it may seem different, is still abuse. And there's no reason for you to settle for that. You need to find someone who cares about you.
Also, yes, your children should also weigh in on your decision. Do they know about your current husband and his emotional abuse? And do they fully understand the physical abuse from your previous husband?
It seems that they might have gone through it if you had gone through it (considering they lived with you, etc.) and from their eyes, it could be a different perspective.
In honesty, it seems to me like you want to "settle" for your ex-husband. But you shouldn't feel that way.
You're a strong person that has been through a lot and deserves a hell of a lot more, excuse my language.
And you shouldn't settle. You deserve better.

Okay, I understand that. Since I remarried, I gave up my job as a substitute teacher. I'm in my late sixties and would not make it on social security alone. I would have to sell my condominium because I wouldn't be able to afford the taxes and association fees. I also began babysitting for two grandchildren four days a week and I do this for free as I don't believe in charging my own family for this labor of love. I gave a large sum of money, I had saved, away to my son so he could buy a home. He said he would pay back. I told him he could take his time, then I told him he didn't have to pay any of it back. It is his and his wife's children I'm babysitting. In addition to that he has recently taken in an elderly relative who is in her late eighties. When I babysit for his children I also care for her. She is incontinent and has Alzheimer's. I do this for free as well. Although my son did say he would begin paying me $50.00/day out of her money for her care. But that won't be enough for me to care for myself. I suppose I could get someone to live with me at the condo if I left my current husband to help with the costs. I could also quit babysitting and substitute teach again, if a school district would hire me. The other option I thought is selling the condo and moving into a less expensive mobile home community or apply for low income housing. I know my kids depend on me so they can keep their careers going. My daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, my son, a registered nurse (the couple for whom I'm babysitting). They have a good income, but have a big expensive home. They've already told me if I ever needed a home I could come live with them, but since they already have an elderly relative living with them, I would feel as though I were imposing. What I didn't mention, I just began babysitting for one of my other children's baby. So on some days I babysit for a baby in diapers, two little girls, and an elderly person also in diapers due to her incontinence. I feel overwhelmed at all my responsibilities. Who can people like me turn to? I appreciate your feedback a great deal. Thank you.

You're absolutely right. My children did go through all the abuse while they were growing up. He was their stepfather. My fault was that I stayed with him when I should have left a long time ago to spare my children from witnessing this abuse. I was also a practicing alcoholic at the time so I had my share of responsibility in the breakdown of my family. I have been in AA with total sobriety for six years now, and for the most part I have turned my life around. But some of my character defects are stubborn, like staying with a man who is emotionally abusive. I believe my main reason for doing so is the following. It is the explanation I gave to another response to my situation. I copied and pasted it here:

Since I remarried, I gave up my job as a substitute teacher. I'm in my late sixties and would not make it on social security alone. I would have to sell my condominium because I wouldn't be able to afford the taxes and association fees. I also began babysitting for two grandchildren four days a week and I do this for free as I don't believe in charging my own family for this labor of love. I gave a large sum of money, I had saved, away to my son so he could buy a home. He said he would pay back. I told him he could take his time, then I told him he didn't have to pay any of it back. It is his and his wife's children I'm babysitting. In addition to that he has recently taken in an elderly relative who is in her late eighties. When I babysit for his children I also care for her. She is incontinent and has Alzheimer's. I do this for free as well. Although my son did say he would begin paying me $50.00/day out of her money for her care. But that won't be enough for me to care for myself. I suppose I could get someone to live with me at the condo if I left my current husband to help with the costs. I could also quit babysitting and substitute teach again, if a school district would hire me. The other option I thought is selling the condo and moving into a less expensive mobile home community or apply for low income housing. I know my kids depend on me so they can keep their careers going. My daughter-in-law is a nurse practitioner, my son, a registered nurse (the couple for whom I'm babysitting). They have a good income, but have a big expensive home. They've already told me if I ever needed a home I could come live with them, but since they already have an elderly relative living with them, I would feel as though I were imposing. What I didn't mention, I just began babysitting for one of my other children's baby. So on some days I babysit for a baby in diapers, two little girls, and an elderly person also in diapers due to her incontinence. I feel overwhelmed at all my responsibilities. Who can people like me turn to?

Sorry for the length of my response! But thank you so much for your reply to my post.

I see that you consistently just give yourself away peacequest. You gave money "you" needed to your son, first to lend him, now you just gave it away. He is young enough to fend for himself, now again, you are giving your time to care for his children and his wifes elder Alzheimer's relative? Ugh, what about you in this picture, you are training everyone around you to just expect you to keep giving every part of yourself.

You have to learn how to say "no" my dear, you really do. You let people walk all over you hun.

OE

I know you're absolutely right. It's a habit that's been drummed into me ever since I was a kid--to be helpful, to do other's menial tasks without pay, or very little pay, such as housecleaning etc. No one would believe I have a masters degree from University of Michigan, yet I undervalue myself to such a degree that I've allowed myself to be a free servant to others. Perhaps I'll check out a codependency group. I really do appreciate your feedback. Reading what people like you say about my situation seems to make it something that's not just in my imagination and gives it some reality. God, I know I need to start doing things differently because the same old reactionary ways aren't working. In fact, they are bringing me closer to the end of my life lived in the shadows of others. Again, I really, really appreciate your feedback.

how about you do some tutoring on the side to supplement your social security and dump the current husband now before you waste more of your life on him. I mean,, really, intentionally putting scuff marks on your sofa??? that takes the cake!!! As far as your kids go I would accept the $50 bucks MINIMUM because as a NP and a Nurse they are making PLENTY of money. (My daughters are an NP and a nurse and they make over $100 an hour between them) Expensive home or not they can afford to pay you.
I do understand the labor of love thing, cause I'm doing it now for my grandson, but my situation is different than yours. Now, for the ex husband...run run run...you have already put up with more than you should have from him.
You soooo deserve better and I think you should do things for YOU. Try to figure out why you are such a people pleaser and why you think your feelings don't really matter. I bet it can be traced to your childhood and the way your parents treated you. You cant change it, but you can damn sure spend the rest of your life taking care of YOU.
I get that you weren't exactly the IDEAL parent (from reading your other posts) and it's unfortunate. All you can do now is ACKNOWLEDGE what you did to your children and apologize to them. You did give them life and for that they should be grateful.
Best wishes for the END of your turmoil. You deserve that!!!! Hugs.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You really seem to understand, and yes, I did have a traumatic childhood, was left by my mother when I was about three years old. She moved to another country. Was later, at the age of 9 sexually molested by my stepfather, after my mother decided she wanted me back. Of course, I can't really blame her, or anyone else for the choices I made as an adult. However, I do remember my mother always saying when I grow up I would turn out no good. So there is my script in a nutshell. I have to write a different script. The old isn't working. I like your suggestion of tutoring and have thought about doing that as well. What could be worse than living in another abusive situation? I suppose, continuing the cycle of abuse by walking into these kinds of relationships. If it's the last thing I do, I am going to begin, one day at a time, to mother and father myself, to begin caring for my body, soul, and spirit so that whatever life is left, it will be the life I am choosing. I can always sell my condo. The physical and financial details can be worked out as long as I have enough backbone to get away from abusive situations. Again, thank you so much for the support. It came at a very needy time in my life and is most appreciated and welcome. Thank you.