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#1
Oct 12, 2006, 05:13 PM
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Hi… I found this site about a week ago but only just got up the corage to join... so been lurking before that... thought I should probably introduce myself and as I seem to fit into this category better than the others and so will probably spend most time in this area and can't work out where I *should* do it I desided to do it here... if this is wrong please let me know or move this or something...
My parents are very strict Catholics; they believe that through original sin children are born evil. Unlike most who assume this to be wiped away at chistening/baptism/ect they believed that it was up to them to “cleanse us of evil”. This was done in many ways, from simple beatings to being set on fire. My father would devise “punishment games” and use them as punishment for any sin or just say it was gods will. My mother also carried out a few punishments, but lacked the physical strength and imagination of my father. She also came to the conclusion that I was not fit to be part of their family, deeming me a “mere drunken mistake”. By the time I was 14 most of the focus punishment wise was upon me, by now my father was claming me to be the anti-Christ and had me fairly convinced of this. My brother also did things, but I cannot bring myself to explain those and he was basically dis-owned due to it (something that at times I blaime myself for) meaning that I haven’t seen nor heard from him since. I have flashbacks and nightmares of 3 distinct events from my past, 2 involving my father almost killing me and the other involving my brother (but I can't bring myself to explain that event). Up until recently I had nigh on no memories of life before I was about 12, but over the last few months I have began to build up an idea of what went on in those "missing" years. So ye… for the most part that’s it. Strange thing really as I often cannot think of it as abuse… thinking of it as just punishments, I’m 21 and still have difficulty admiting these things at times anyway... this wasn't meant to turn into a biography... only meant to be a quick "hi"... so I'll stop typing now |
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#2
Oct 12, 2006, 08:32 PM
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Welcome to PC Orion,
I am sorry for what you had to endure, I hope you are in Therapy or utilizing some other resource to assist you as you search for understanding and healing ...the mind does what it needs to help a child survive...amnesia, supression, memory problems, these are just a few mechanisms...keep posting as much as you feel you can and I hope it helps you gain insight and strength... you are not alone in your struggles with childhood torture and abuse...and again welcome... Eva
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Evangelista We dance round in a ring and suppose.. But the secret sits in the middle and knows.. Robert Frost |
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#3
Oct 12, 2006, 08:45 PM
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hi Evangelista, thanks or the reply
ye I'm in therapy... hasn't been doing much, but then again I don't tell them much so guess that's my own fault... survival mechanisms are great for the time... but it's the minds refusal to give them up afterwards that seems to be the problem... |
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#4
Oct 12, 2006, 09:53 PM
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wow. i am so sorry that you went through all that. I think you are probably remembering things now because it is safe and you are safe. I know it is hard but i think it is important to be honest with your therapist and tell her or him whats going on so they can help you. The longer you are in therapy the harder it is. I am 29 and have been in therapy at age 10 ... i stopped for a while and was dx with a bunch of things before having the dx that i do now.I like my therapist but i am still in the trusting phase .I have only seen her for a few week.s take care
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#5
Oct 12, 2006, 11:05 PM
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Welcome Orion, I can't imagine the mind games you had to live with growing up.. my father used to play mind games too and the result is total confusion i am left to sort out.
Memories do come when we are ready to heal. Part of therapy is simply talking it out so you can make sense of it, but you have to open up on your own accord. when you are ready. You can't force it either.When it comes to healing from abuse, it takes baby steps. You have to be easy with yourself. Keep talking as you feel you are able.. people here will listen and offer any advise they might have, so you have come to the right place. Peace,Faith
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Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. |
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#6
Oct 13, 2006, 12:26 AM
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welcome orion.......
sorry to hear about what happened to you and remember therapy takes time faithisalive is right in your own time it will all come out when you are ready and i am sorry that ur parents didn't understand the true meaning of catholicism
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Don't give up It's just the hurt that you hide When you're lost inside I'll...I'll be there to find you Don't give up Because you want to burn bright If darkness blinds you I will shine to guide you Everybody wants to be understood |
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#7
Oct 15, 2006, 06:21 AM
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thankyou all for your replies.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> I know it is hard but i think it is important to be honest with your therapist and tell her or him whats going on so they can help you </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I agree it's important... just at times very difficult to do... on friday I walked out because he refused to let something drop that I made clear I didn't want to speak about... it's not really going as it should at the moment... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> i am sorry that ur parents didn't understand the true meaning of catholicism </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> to be fair my parents don't understand the true meaning of much... thankyou for reading, it's only 6 months or so since I have been able to tell anyone anything about this. I managed to tell some people online bits and built up to almost my entire life story before I could even concider speaking to people off-line. it means alot that people even bothered to look at it, not to mention read and reply |
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#8
Oct 15, 2006, 10:43 AM
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Welcome Orion. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much in your lifetime. I am glad you are in therapy. It took me years to really say some very important things. As you I really didn't say much of anything for quite a while. I had a very wonderful t who helped me with little data. It was at very tiny baby steps as she had very little to go on. Please give your t some time. And especially yourself. I imagine trust is very hard with what you have experienced. Take care and PM me any time you like.
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#9
Oct 16, 2006, 07:32 AM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bipolar_bear said:Please give your t some time </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ye.. I will.. just gets frustrating at times. but I know I can't just expect it all to vanish over night. main problem I think is that my T and myself seem to have a bit of a personality clash... I haven't had him that long really, my old one moved away so still in that awkward begining patch where your mind isn't sure if you can trust them and won't allow you to even try to do so... |
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#10
Oct 16, 2006, 10:39 AM
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Welcome Orion. I'm sorry for the terrible way your parents treated you. It's great that you are in therapy and posting here. I look forward to reading more. I have terrible trouble opening up myself....
"to be fair my parents don't understand the true meaning of much"  I relate. I was fed many lies and distortions while growing up, as well as being abused. Confusion, confusion, anger, hurt, rage, pain, aching heart, fear fear fear, overwhelming sadness..... just a few of the effects. I'm sure you relate to these and more.Take good care, Fuzzy
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#11
Oct 16, 2006, 11:23 AM
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Dear Orion, I am sooo glad you posted here at PC. Years ago I attended a survivors of incest group. The women who had undergone distorted religous tortures had such an extra hard time, if that is possible, because their world had no trust in anythind, not family,not even a God, Goddess, Allah, Buddha....... nothing, no touchstone to found oneself upon.
My father put me through a wide variety of abuses, so I can relate. I'm so glad you survived and are able to reach out for help. Saying what happened out loud is an amazing step to achieve. Good for YOU for every bit, every little step you take, reclaiming your self for your self!!!! There's no rush. It took years for you to get messed up, it'll take years to unwind...... the thing is to take a step when you can, integrate, step when you can, integrate..... ad infenitem..... ps, I love your name,))))))) ) Orion ((((((((( . One of my favorite constellations!!
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#12
Oct 16, 2006, 06:28 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Fuzzybear said: I was fed many lies and distortions while growing up, as well as being abused. Confusion, confusion, anger, hurt, rage, pain, aching heart, fear fear fear, overwhelming sadness..... just a few of the effects. I'm sure you relate to these and more. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Ye I can understand what you mean… esspesially the confusion, which even though not the most negitive of emotions is defantly one of the most disabling of life. I am sorry that you had to expiriance such things too </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> hillbunnyb said: their world had no trust in anythind, not family,not even a God, Goddess, Allah, Buddha....... nothing, no touchstone to found oneself upon. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I understand what you mean… many people I have met (ever online or in person) who have been through any form of abuse are amazingally religious and claime a devine being of some description helps them through and to move on… I lost any faith in any such entity long ago… however, I have no problem with people who do have faith, happy for them as they have something to believe in or hold on to I guess… even if it is something unseen </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> hillbunnyb said: ps, I love your name,))))))) ) Orion ((((((((( . One of my favorite constellations!! </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> lol, thanks… all my siblings have what you could call unusual names… |
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#13
Oct 16, 2006, 09:22 PM
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Orion, you amazed me with your ability to spit out the truth. That is the first hard task in healing I believe. You were able to let us know what life was like. I too had no words for a very long time. And, I love your name as well.
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#14
Oct 17, 2006, 05:04 AM
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It's taken a while... still a hell of a lot that I can't speak of, and still a hell of a lot that I can't even really remember...
A lot of people seem to like my name lol, I used to hate it... espessially in school :/ my family is full of odd names... I have a nephew called Merlin! It's become almost a tradition... |
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#15
Oct 17, 2006, 10:38 AM
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Orion, I grew up with a girl named Twinkle Star. We called her Twink and didn't think anything about it, shucks there was Dawn and Rose and lots of "stuff" names. Then we got older and wondered how her parents could have done that to her!!
She grew up and took the name Maud.
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#16
Oct 20, 2006, 04:22 AM
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I can imagine that when you're yonger thwese things don't get noticed... in our house we all had such names, and so thought little of it... i wasn't unti I was about 14 that people began to comment, in a fairly negitive fashion... I began to use my middle name (which is Tristan) for quite a while after that...
But I dont mind having an "unusual" name anymore... Twinkle Star is an interesting one though... most of my family are name after mythological characters so seem to have some sort of basis, not sure where "Twinkle Star" could have come from... were her parents maybe hippis? I hear that hippy types often name their children after things, I think quakers do too... |
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#17
Oct 20, 2006, 12:49 PM
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no, the most amazing thing is they were VERY conservative, descended from early american settler families....
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#18
Oct 21, 2006, 08:47 PM
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hmm... fair enough then...
maybe they thought that they were being unique 
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