Realized today my mom has narcissistic personality disorder & need advice

I literally had the "Aha!" moment earlier today when I realized my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. Because of my current situation, I am living with my parents and they are supporting me financially as well. I recently had surgery for a torn labrum in my right shoulder and I haven't been able to work for almost a year now because of the pain. I am probably going to have another surgery in the same arm so unfortunately moving out of my parents house immediately is not an option right now.

My mom is impossible to deal with and now that I realize how and who she really is, makes me want to end my relationship with her now. I have been seeing my therapist for more than a year and a half and I love her. I don't see her again until next week but in the meantime I need some advice on how to deal with my mom. She is a school teacher and has the entire week off because of the holiday. I know she has no idea that I have figured out her true self and I'm thankful that at 30 I am able to come to this realization. But I don't know how to interact with her now because anything you say whether positive/negative about her or myself she will use it against me sometime soon.

I have an older brother and sister who I am pretty close to, but in the past when I have expressed to them about her behavior, they don't see it as clearly as I do which sucks because I feel alone and viewed like I'm the one who is crazy. I know that I'm not the crazy one and realize it's not my responsibility to convince my dad & siblings that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. I know I need to begin the healing process which is why I am seeking advice.

I'm in a good place now with myself and I do feel it is best that I disengage my interactions with her. But I do hate my mom for what she has done to me and everyone else in my family (I understand hate is a strong word & its horrible to say that about my mom). I am no longer scared of her and I am the only one in my family who stands up to her. Every time she attempts to bully/intimidate me (I realized that people who bully are really insecure & use it as a defense mechanism to hide their fragile/low self esteem), I let her know that I refuse to put up with that behavior anymore. She is having a hard time dealing with me enforcing healthy boundaries because it seems foreign to her, but even that seems useless because it goes in one ear and out the other. She is toxic and I refuse to be a victim of her emotional abuse anymore. It's difficult realizing your own mother doesn't love you and that she just goes through the motions of how to show love but with her best interest as the motive.

Would it be best if I keep my distance and reduce my interactions with my mom for my emotional well being while I begin the process of coping and healing? It's going to be difficult to avoid some situations with her since I am living with her so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not rely or depend on them for anything (financial and/or emotional). By relying on them, you give the narcissist the power and control they desire. You are indebted to them and they will not pass up the opportunity to remind you. With narcissists, everything in life is conditional. The life of a Narcissist usually ends on a bad note. After a lifetime of bad and abusive behavior, everyone ends up eventually cutting them out of their lives.

Me personally, I'd rather live on the street than put up with emotional and psychological abuse from my sick and twisted narcissist mother. My advice is to keep your distance and open up to other people. These are people you may be able to rely upon in times of need (rather than your narcissist mother).

Don't bother trying to explain to others what you know about your mom. It's really hard to see through a Narcissist because they're really good at playing games - and the game is slightly different for everyone, because they need to be slightly different to keep the control.

And quite likely - your mom doesn't necessarily realize that there's anything about her that isn't totally normal. My mom certainly thinks that she's perfectly normal. She'd never accept it, and there's no point in me ever trying to convince her.

So I did what I could - which was adapt my own behaviour. I'm at the point now where I actually have a decent relationship with her. Why? Because 1) I live far away and thus have minimal contact 2) only speak via text (something fb) but if she starts with anything.. I leave the conversation 3) I do not recieve any help from them, and have in fact helped them out on my own terms - she doesn't ask as I won't respond, but I've offered because overall I try to be a nice person and saw they could use help financially. and 4) it is very easy for me to withdraw even the minimal contact that I have, and my mom has figured this out at least on a subconscious level... and 5) I do not disclose any information about my life that could give her any power over me.

My mom's image that she projects is that of "perfect mother" (hahahahaha) but to be able to maintain that with other people, she has to remain in contact with me so that she can know things about me to prove it to others that she is still who she says she is. So when I talk to her, we talk about innocent topics and I'll tell her things that she likes to hear that makes her feel good... but it isn't anything that could be damaging to me.

so I guess I feed her need for information, but I'm alright with how it goes now, because at the end of it... I've actually taken her power/control from her and this is about all that she can get.

Thank you SO much for your advice. I know the best thing for me is to move out, but I need to be realistic that I can't move out right away. Unfortunately I do have to rely on my parents financially until I know if I need surgery, but that certainly doesn't mean that I have to put up with her abuse anymore. I quickly realized that I can take control of my relationship with her by not opening up to her about anything about myself that she will use to exploit me in one of her narcissistic rages. I agree with my relationship and conversations with her needs to be on an innocent topic. I feel right now isn't a good time for me to be able to tell her things she likes to hear even on innocent topics to make her feel good since I am just starting the healing process. Once I move out and am further along in my healing process, I can see myself being able to tell her things about unrelated/innocent topics to make her feel good without giving her information that could be damaging to me.

So it is safe to assume that my mom doesn't genuinely love me even though she goes through the motions of the idea of love? Does she realize or is aware that she is being abusive and cruel to me? Is she aware that she is purposely manipulating people to make them think that I am the one who is crazy? Does she realize at all that her covert tactics are purely evil even though she might not realize that she isn't normal?

Thank you so much for your help because you are right, I can't tell anyone what I have realized about my mom because they don't recognize how invested they have become to her narcissistic ways.

No one can answer those questions except your mom really. To try and answer them with what I think about my own mom?

So it is safe to assume that my mom doesn't genuinely love me even though she goes through the motions of the idea of love?
I think my mom does actually love me. She really wanted children and works with them. But my mom doesn't go through the motions of it, and I don't have much real evidence towards it.

Does she realize or is aware that she is being abusive and cruel to me?
My mom certainly doesn't - or at least she denies it and will always deny it. I am pretty sure she's one of the people who don't believe that verbal and emotional abuse is a real thing. She views herself more as propogator of tough love.

Is she aware that she is purposely manipulating people to make them think that I am the one who is crazy?
I have no idea with my mom. She definitely does it and I can't imagine how she is unaware of the fact that she's literally lying her face off to make herself appear to be the victim. But she will deny everything, so how can I ever know?

Does she realize at all that her covert tactics are purely evil even though she might not realize that she isn't normal?
If someone thinks they're normal, they will never think they're evil. I don't think my mom is evil. I think she is ill and that she was neglectful and caused a lot more harm than good. But evil? No. My mom really wants to be a "good mom" and she really thinks that she is.

Some people find that going cold-turkey and having no-contact is the way to go (which is really what is needed in some situations! I've been relatively lucky). I don't know if going no-contact and then going back in contact will really be very successful - there will be a really big struggle for power during the no-contact and then when you go back to some contact... it'll be like she won, in her eyes.

I opted for low-contact, because as I said... I do think that my mom DOES care, she just has no real empathy and doesn't demonstrate it at all. She's way too absorbed with herself and with maintaining her image to be able to have a genuine relationship. Which is funny, because if she didn't have her image to adhere to she probably would have been able to have a more real relationship with me - but she doesn't have the capabilities for more than a very shallow level of empathy I think. ((I get confused when talking about this, and I think my mom has more narcisstic traits and may not be a full-blown NPD)). So I went low-contact immediately and have mainted that - I did it while I was in highschool and still living at home. I found it a lot easier and there hasn't been nearly as much of a struggle because she isn't fully aware of how much I keep to myself.

I cannot thank you enough for your help . I agree with your statement that my mom is the only one who can answer those questions. The answers you provided are incredibly helpful to me that words cannot explain. Your responses seem to describe how my mom behaves. However, this is only day 3 and I know I have a long road ahead of me in the healing process.
When I read information about NPD, it sometimes triggers and reminds me of my anger towards my mom. And sometimes it makes me feel validated and more at peace with myself. Is that normal to get angry and upset when reading information on NPD?

Oh, it's totally normal to be angry and upset. Who wouldn't feel angry and upset to know that their life has been massively affected as the result of someone else's illness? Especially when that illness leads to neglect and abuse - and a total denial that there is even an illness.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

That site was a shocker for me when I was reading it. I actually printed it off and highlighted it with parts that fit just my mom, parts that fit just my brother, and parts that fit both. I had almost the whole thing highlighted!!

It made me feel validated... but also really sad and angry. And then I still felt the self-doubt that's always been present because I always get told that I'm imagining or exagerrating.

Okay, so yesterday I hardly spoke to my mom, and if I did it was a simple answer about my niece because she was over at my parents house. So this morning it seems like she is sucking up to because I didn't go out of my way to converse w/her. Also, I know I shouldn't have done this but it's easy to want revenge when you are angry but I know that's only prolonging my suffering. But, my mom always leaves her dinner plate, coffee mug, dirty tissues, shoes....etc. out in the family room & she used to complain when I or my siblings did that.
So last night I put her dinner plate on her nightstand bc I knew she would deal with it.
Later on I went to get my phone off of the charger and she had unplugged the charger and my phone as well.
So I told her that I give you props for unplugging my phone bc I put your dinner plate on your nightstand and that'll teach you not leave your stuff out.
This morning she brought it up and apologize if she screwed something up but then she justified it by saying she thought it was a cord from the Xmas tree lights.
Gosh that was a long story but is she trying to reel me back in by kissing my ***** basically so she feels the control again? I hope that makes sense?

Basically... just accept her apology but don't change your behaviour. Don't act petty because what good will that do anyone? Just be your normal self. Maybe she did mess it up legit, maybe she was doing something passive-aggressive back in retaliation of your own passive-agressive action. No way to know really

Personally? I wouldn't have even acknowledged that she'd done it. If my mom does something that I think was nice of her - I'll say thank you because I would say thank you to anyone. She obviously likes that - I just pay attention for when it gets turned around into an "I did this for you!!!" when I don't do something else. My mom hasn't really done that but I'd probably at this point go "I didn't know we were trading things". If my mom does something that may or may not be done to intentionally piss me off? I don't give her the satisfaction of seeing me get annoyed

You are exactly right . If you acknowledge it then you give them credit for it. You have helped me more than you know.....im sending you some virtual hugs !

Do people who have narcissistic personality disorder threatened by someone who is TRULY confident with themselves and not pretending to be confident like people with NPD to mask their true self?

It reminds me of two drug addicts who have a relationship only because they are addicts. When one of them decides to go to rehab and change, the other who is still using doesn't know how to act around the other person who is now sober.

I want to know the answer to this question, too. I'm pretty sure my mother has NPD, or is at least on the far end of the spectrum.

I remember times when I would make a personal decision she didn't like. If I felt really strongly about it, I wouldn't care what she thought. It enraged her. She would go on a passive-aggressive rampage about it. It didn't matter that it was a choice that was mine and mine alone. She could not handle me having my own mind. Someone who is confident is less easy to control. So maybe people with NPD do feel threatened by confident people?

Yeah I think that's true, I agree with Seiya and cubabe29. I think people with NPD, at least some of them, were treated as narcissistic extensions of their parents themselves. So they never learned that they actually did have freedom and choice, an actual self that could make decisions, for better or worse. So whenever they are faced with someone who does have a sense of self, be it their child or a friend, they feel threatened

Yeah that makes sense. Maybe they think they are entitled to treat others as they were treated. That's how it was for them, they endured it, so now it is time for their reward. They get to do whatever they want now. They've earned this. Finally it is their turn. Their child must endure what they did because that is how it is and if they don't like it too bad.

"Because I'm the mother" was my mother's favourite phrase and excuse for everything while I was growing up.

my advise is to " run ".
take care

Very well put, that's exactly what I think. And it can be very hard to stand up to that. It's like going against the current. I mean it's like someone's mother and the mother's mother, and all the way back.

Sometimes I'm surprised when I have a conversation with an old person from an old culture, raised in invalidating and just horrible environment, who does not come across as a narcissist. Like this one person telling me that back in the day there were no human rights the way there are these days. Kids were not treated as real people. Many children worked, either on the farm or in the family business. But they didn't do it to buy a computer game obviously, they did it cause they had to, cause everybody did it. And girls did not have a real say in whom they married. It was like a business transaction between families. She had to look pretty and then marry some rich guy and then have a whole bunch of kids. Be a baby-making machine, not a real person.

Actually it reminds me of the movie "Titanic" and Ruth, Rose's narcissistic mother trying to force her to marry the rich guy. Would Rose not have become a narcissist herself had she actually gone through with that? Yet some people - can't be that many, I imagine - go through that experience and yet not become narcissists. How do they do it? How can one break this cycle? These are questions I sometimes think about.

That's the story of my life!!!!

I have got no idea where I got the strength of will to start asserting my own opinions.. but I started a bit when I was young and kept working my way further into that. I'm not even very confident - I just have a firm belief in right/wrong and fairness/equality. And I wouldn't conform to things if I knew it wasn't being fair.

And I was stubborn as s*** when I finally dug my heels in. It would infuriate my mom but I would not budge. My mom didn't necessarily go on a passive-aggressive rampage though... she was way too vocal for that!

Haha, sorry but I found this too funny in an ironic and sad I-can-relate type of way because of my own relationship with a narcissistic close other.

Oh, I laugh at as much of my own life as I can... it's a survival tactic. I can take pretty much everything that's gone on in my life and spin it so that it's funny.

That's wonderful. I sometimes forget to touch on the humorous aspects of my difficulties. I go real deep into it and just see darkness and pain inside and out. But it's nice to once in a while step back and look at the big picture and occasionally laugh at the situation and yourself. There is great relief in that.

I'm a pro at avoiding....... it's one of the many ways in which I avoid dealing with my emotions actually. Laugh at it and it's sorta acknowledging it but denying the way it makes me feel.

How's that for a serious and non-amusing answer Go me go.

It's crazy for anyone to grow up being treated like they aren't person. If it weren't for my father I don't know how I could have made it. After I moved away from home (far away), I had this feeling of having escaped something terrible.

Another infuriating thing: denial of feelings. My mother often denied what my feelings were when I expressed them. To this day she insists that I loved going to church, even though I hated it. Even to this day she'll ignore me and tell me that's not how I felt.

The more I reflect on my late NPD mother, the more compassion I feel for her. I have reason to think that she suffered a great deal. I also have reason to think that she loved me as much as she was able to love (which was quite limited).

So I don't recommend warring with her. From what I've heard on this thread so far, it doesn't sound like warring with a mother whose behavior arises from mental illness is the way I would go.

I favor keeping your distance and gradually figuring out, over time, what you can and cannot safely share with her. As I see it, the touchstone should be your own safety. The goal should be keeping yourself emotionally safe, not getting even with her or catching her in her hypocrisy or showing her you are on to her.

Totally spot-on Bill!

I don't openly go to town with my mom. Or with my brother. If I happen to be near them and they try something? Well, I dig in my heels if I can't flee the situation. As much as I can though - I just don't engage.

And I never initiate a confrontation. Especially not about their behaviour and attitudes. They don't see things the way that I see them, and they never will. It's actually part of being NPD I think!

I have avoiding logging on because I've been feeling pretty sad about everything. The good thing is that I pretty much avoid discussing or even acknowledging my mom when she tries to talk to me. I was beginning to question if I am over thinking all of this and this morning she reminded me that she does have NPD. I was internally pissed off for about 30 min because I feel like she's getting away with murder (definitely exaggerating but it seems that way at times) it's frustrating because you're fighting a never-ending battle. After I calmed down I actually found some humor to her NPD ways because she wants to appear to everyone that she's a confident, "perfect" and secure individual but she really is the complete opposite. I found humor in that because that was an internal victory that I got to experience for my emotional benefit.

My mom can't handle me acting distant and it's getting pretty sad the efforts she is going to just to get some attention. It's almost like you realizing that someone close to you has NPD, you need to take that knowledge as the key to unlock the emotional freedom you can now look forward to in your life.

It's very difficult for me to feel sorry for her right now because emotional abuse is just as bad as any other form of abuse, the only thing that differs is you can't physically see the scars or bruises.
Is it normal to question your realization that someone who is close to you has NPD? Also, why was I able to learn very recently to control and express my emotions and always without a doubt can empathize with other people, but my mom didn't? I am angry and disappointed with my dad for not standing up to my mom when she was emotionally abusing me and my siblings?

Clearly, she nor my dad taught me those important qualities in life.
I don't know any of you guys but if I hadn't posted on this forum and hear your stories, I would be in an emotional backhole. I want to give everyone who has shared their stories on here and even those who haven't but have have read allof our stories HUGS!!!

I have learned to do the EXACT same thing which is finding humor in her behavior but you are right by still acknowledging the negative emotion I felt. My philosophy now is if I continue to let her affect me negatively which can ruin my day and stoop to her level then that is considered a win for her in my opinion. So, when she acts this way, I just need to remind myself that it's just a temporary feeling and that she doesn't deserve my "emotional time" anymore. It's like if you acknowledge it then you give them credit for it.

If anything I am saying is counterproductive or will only prolong my suffering then please let me know. I am sure you can relate that this is TRULY an internal battle within yourself in order to heal emotionally and be free from the pain.