[ESF1214]

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship...literally...since the day I got married. We all hear funny quips and jabs about women who "let themselves go" after getting their man. (not judging, just stating for comparison) This is EXACTLY what happened to ME, in my marriage. I THOUGHT that everything I was feeling was related to being "newlyweds" and that marriage was just "hard". I didn't see the abuse, for what it was, for YEARS. Honestly, until I had children and didn't have the same amount of time to spend trying to "fix or change myself" to make him happy, I never stopped to analyze WHY we had issues.

I am past the point of "blaming" him or being the "victim" in all of this. While I DO still blame him for most of what has happened in our marriage, I am not in a place where I allow him to define me anymore.

What upsets me and bothers me though, is that heading into divorce, there are no repercussions for his actions. Sure, I'll get this or that, and some modest child support, but overall.....it is hard to accept that EA is so "off the radar" that it just goes un-noticed and un-punished, to be honest. If I had a bruise or broken bone for every abusive action that I experienced, he would not even be allowed to see our children, without a chaperone present. While I would never want to keep my children from him, we have TWO girls, and I can already SEE the judgement, criticism, control and with-holding of affection, headed their way. I get that one day, as adults, they will be able to CHOOSE what kind of relationship they want to have with him. I get that just like ANY other kid, they will have issues based on their childhoods, upbringing, parents, etc.....even issues with ME.

What I cannot seem to wrap my mind around, is the idea that even though he was abusive to me for our ENTIRE marriage, just b/c he wasn't truly PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE, with documentation, there is no recourse to protect my children from his mental issues. It is so sad to me....b/c I hate it for THEM. It took me nearly 12 years to be STRONG enough to LEAVE, 4 of which I lived with him, also being strong enough to let whatever he said, just roll off my back. But for them? Legally? There is NO recourse or help. It becomes a matter of he said/she said, and that....breaks my heart.

If anyone has any thoughts, tips or experiences on bringing EA to the forefront and on HOW it may have helped you to protect your children, I would love to hear them. As it stands, he "appears" to be a "standard or good" Dad, overall. Yet his abuse, is simply something that he hides from the rest of the world. I don't care about ME, in this situation. I only care about my girls.

I can very much understand what you are saying (and generally agree).

Imagine, if you can, if you were a male being EA by your wife. Very degrading. Very hurtful to your male ego / image. And there is no recourse..... I know at times I feel total rage - wishing to lash out - but I know that would make me the monster and it would probably become a legal issue where I would be the only person labeled as the abuser.

And I also have two daughters.... the love of my life and probably the ONLY reason I still breathe. It really bothers me that they witness what they witness. I believe they are wise enough to see it for what it is. It is my prayer that they do not view that as something 'they should accept'. That would really break my heart if their spouse did that to them someday....

I stay because I feel I have to stay to protect them from being the target of her abuse. I take it, and when she is abusive in general - I defend. My girls are 17 & 14 - so I think they know what is going on. I know that they respect me and view me as not only a protector but as a reasonable person. I believe they do not view her in that same light.

I am guessing you are in a somewhat similar situation.

Sorry that I have no wisdom to pass to you.... but understand that you are NOT alone. And your kids will love you all the more for defending them from him.

Gods blessings to you and your family.

[blueredgrey]

Dear ESF1214,

Sorry for all that you've gone thru....and glad that you came out of it .

Many psychologists are of the opinion that emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse. Where there is physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is a given.

But it's very difficult to punish emotional abuse because it's very difficult to prove. We live in an era where most countries don't even recognise marital rape.....leave alone emotional abuse!!

Even if laws are made, most perpetrators will be given benefit of doubt. My father, mother and brother were verbally abusive during a small period of time. I was called "stupid" every single day. But while I remember some incidents - none of my family members ever remember saying stuff. They tell me that they didn't mean it that way.....or didn't realise that it would hurt me.

It's very difficult to prove emotional abuse. Broken bones hurt everyone. But being called "stupid" affects different people differently - some people are thick skinned, some are thin skinned. It's very difficult to prove the extent of damage....that it can be punishable by law.

I am glad you realised the abuse and walked out of the marriage. At best, I request you to get some therapy for your girls.....just 2-3 sessions. Give them unconditional love, they'd grow up fine.

Good luck!!

[SimonSays1]

Emotional abuse is ingnored because it is hard to prove in the legal system. There are no visable bruises, scratches, scars, or wounds. Emotional abusers are also professionals at what they do and master manipulaters. They will invalidate thier victims, force them to take the blame, convince everyone around that thier victim is mentally unstable and prone to exaggeration. It really is no different than any other form of abuse, just with less evidence.

Its even worse for male victims of emotional abuse such as myself (my mother was my abuser) because:
-men are often viewed as the abusers
-men have no emotions to be abused
-men are made of solid muscle
-men can take whatever is thrown their way.

[ESF1214]

Thanks to all for your kind words and for sharing some of your own stories/thoughts. I completely understand how it would be "difficult" to "prove", but it is just so upsetting to think that he will carry on this behavior and attitude with my girls. I think he has a deep rooted hate for women in general, based on watching his OWN mother be verbally and emotionally abused her ENTIRE life, and NEVER seeing her leave or at least stand her ground. He has this odd sense of enormous respect for her as the "perfect" woman and mother, but I think that it is tainted with a total lack of respect as well, for her never being strong enough to stand up to his dad. Apparently when he was about 11, and his younger brother was 8, his parents sat them down and told them they were divorcing. He has told me that shortly after that, all of the fighting magically seemed to stop. When I asked why, he told me that she gave up and quit fighting and just went along with doing everything the way his Dad wanted. To THIS day, while he is close with his parents in general, he still hates the way his dad speaks to and treats his mother. Yet, he turns around and does the VERY same thing to me, in front of OUR children.

I understand the psychology behind this, very well, by now. I have been in therapy for years, and I read everything I can on this topic and many other Psych topics. I guess I just have to accept that the ONLY thing I can do is BREAK the pattern, with my children. While I would love to just "stay married" for their sake, even remaining in a loveless and sexless marriage....and likely would have done so, he could not even attempt to be respectful as "friends" and still tried to control and criticize me daily. It became too much to handle and finally, we decided to divorce.

I have kept a journal throughout most of my marriage. And one day, I WILL write a book/memoir/blog....SOMETHING about EA and MY own personal experience with it, in an attempt to help others and in an attempt to bring awareness to a very REAL problem, even with the "invisible" wounds. And one day, when my girls are old enough, if they ask to read them, and have a basic understanding of WHY our marriage failed, I will let them.

Thanks again for your replies.

[AngstyLady]

I don't really have anything to say besides words of congratulations for getting yourself out of such an emotionally unhealthy place! Hopefully you will continue to be strong and your kids will see their father for how he is. good luck.

PS. Hopefuly the intelligence out there on emotional abuse will continue to reach people and society as a whole will be better at acknowledging it and accepting it in order to help the healing process..

[eskielover]

Wow, what a good post....it really hits home....took me 33 years to leave......all but the last 13, I escaped into my engineering career but continued fighting him.

I know what seemed to happen in my situation is that the emotional abuse went on where no one saw it....but I was a fighter....so I fought back....including putting a stop to his pathetic sarcasm he started the marriage with because I found myself fighting back with sarcasm to him & I realized I hated what was going on.....but I wasn't so wise with the other fighting back I was doing.....he would push me on other issues & I would blow up at him.....so when I would blow up where others would see it....they wouldn't see what I had gone through to get me to that point in the first place......looking back now that I left.....I can see all kinds of passive aggressive behavior that I was dealing with.....it was no wonder my anger was what it ended up being.....but he ended up looking like the victim to everyone who couldn't see the big picture.....& I wasn't wise enough to express the big picture....I just fought back. Our poor daughter....no wonder she never wanted to come home.

The final straws came in the last few years I was living with him. I have come to realize that my major depression & anxiety & suicide attempts & even my anorexia wasn't just due to my loss of my career....it was being trapped in a marriage where emotional abuse was a constant & not having a career I was trapped in the marriage because the house was upside down......he had so totally miss managed the money we had while my depression was so bad that there was no money to live on even if I were to get a divorce.

It wasn't until my mother died & I sold her house that I had enough money to escape.....& I truly do feel it was an escape.....I gave him a chance to see if anything would change....1 month at my new farm...& he totally blew it....so I kicked him out......then I found out that the IRS was after him for a mistake he made on my inheritance (so I was actually liable)....only he never said anything or even talked to the IRS for over 10 months when I finally received the letter that was forwarded to my farm....he triggered another realization while I'm filling for divorce (finally)....but I realize he was always doing something to block a divorce our whole married life & the truth came out...that he would feel like a failure if he ever ended up divorced.

The problem with meeting EA with anger is that the angry person ends up looking like the abuser & the bad guy IMO.....while the EA ends up looking like roses......God knows the truth & that is what I hold onto....but now others are seeing him for the person that he's been all his life.

I have always known that I have been right....but it's been an uphill battle against him all the way....& he still plays the victim roll....only I will NOT play his games any longer.....but it's a lot easier to take that stance 2100 miles away from him & being the one that controlls the communication I will allow....it's down to only email because he abused my old phone number & gave it out to a creditor that he ended up defaulting on....& they kept calling ME......

He continually denies that he has ever known that his actions are abusive....either he's totally naive or he's completely BS'ing even himself.

[ganbatte]

Take those girls to a therapist and document, document, document. It will help them And give you the info you need if you have to prove the abuse to a court. Good luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

That's one of the things about the 'system', that I, also, have trouble, comprehending. I know, that, 'visitation rights' for the non custodial parent, are a big thing. Thing, is, one really doesn't want child services, involved. I, being where I am now in life, wonder if part of the issue with the system, isn't more about funding? Budgets, physical battery takes a top tier in the priorities of the court system.

Court ordered supervised visitation: most of those centers, upon further research are really geared for those children in foster care, to see their biological parent.

You really have to show many reasons, why visitations cannot occur. It's hard. Yes, psychology says that emotional abuse is very damaging. Courts, that are tax payer funded...another story. Perhaps, it's too sensitive a topic? Some experts say, that even to raise your voice to a child, is abuse. Lawmakers, don't want to damn the numerous constituents for every occasions on every single line item of abuse that is deemed abuse by the psychological sector. Because too many people, on this planet could be guilty, at one point or another. Holding everyone to a standard of perfection. Is there a certain number of slip ups allowed? What daily percentage would be persecuted?

Best thing, when you have them, be the better parent, don't use belittling, disparaging, esteem-damaging remarks.

I agree, about document everything.

By chance, of a series of unusual circumstances, in my life, my children, are without a visitation schedule, at this very moment. I have them 100%, without being in contempt of the custody agreement. Deep down, I am seeing the kids, cope better in life, by leaps and bounds.

I feel, to make it harder for emotionally abusive parenting, to be looked at stronger in the court system, a specific set of behaviors, need to be addressed and set in stone. Calling a child, 'stupid', I really loathe that word.

[nicoleflynn]

I was married to a verbal abuser (and physical) for 31 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity. I believe it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Yes, the 'repercussions" thing....I hve been alone fo 10 years and he...the abuser has someone in his life. Unfortunately our society is still in the dark ages in regards to emotional abuse, but in France....they do have a law against verbal abuse. I have been working like a "Trojan" for over 10 years to get the message out there and speak on National Television. I presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault to the Michigan Counseling Association. Abusers are narcissists and it is a waste of time to tell them your feelings and thoughts. They do not hear you. All you can do is be the best parent you can, love and nurture your children. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. Verbal abuse (alone) can physically change the brain....I have slides from a researcher at Harvard that shows that....Unbelievable. Every time we are under stress, out bodies release cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. I have always said it is a miracle (after 31 years of abuse) that I am not dead! Educatiion is the key. I hope you will read the book I mentioned. Love and hugs, Nicole

[nicoleflynn]

Unfortunately children are not wise enough to understand the dynamics of abuse, and if brought up in that atmosphere may either marry someone like the original abuser or become an abuser. There lives are being changed by abuse.

If you feel you can't leave the abuse, at least get your children into therapy. The Verbally Abusive Relatiionship by Patricia Evans is a book which should be required reading for everyone on the planet. I stayed for 31 years; I wish I had had the information I needed.

QUOTE=Useless Me;3384781]I can very much understand what you are saying (and generally agree).

Imagine, if you can, if you were a male being EA by your wife. Very degrading. Very hurtful to your male ego / image. And there is no recourse..... I know at times I feel total rage - wishing to lash out - but I know that would make me the monster and it would probably become a legal issue where I would be the only person labeled as the abuser.

And I also have two daughters.... the love of my life and probably the ONLY reason I still breathe. It really bothers me that they witness what they witness. I believe they are wise enough to see it for what it is. It is my prayer that they do not view that as something 'they should accept'. That would really break my heart if their spouse did that to them someday....

I stay because I feel I have to stay to protect them from being the target of her abuse. I take it, and when she is abusive in general - I defend. My girls are 17 & 14 - so I think they know what is going on. I know that they respect me and view me as not only a protector but as a reasonable person. I believe they do not view her in that same light.

I am guessing you are in a somewhat similar situation.

Sorry that I have no wisdom to pass to you.... but understand that you are NOT alone. And your kids will love you all the more for defending them from him.

Gods blessings to you and your family.[/QUOTE]

[ESF1214]

Eskielover....what you said below, is very common in situations of "hidden" EA...

QUOTING ESKIELOVER........"I know what seemed to happen in my situation is that the emotional abuse went on where no one saw it....but I was a fighter....so I fought back....including putting a stop to his pathetic sarcasm he started the marriage with because I found myself fighting back with sarcasm to him & I realized I hated what was going on.....but I wasn't so wise with the other fighting back I was doing.....he would push me on other issues & I would blow up at him.....so when I would blow up where others would see it....they wouldn't see what I had gone through to get me to that point in the first place......looking back now that I left.....I can see all kinds of passive aggressive behavior that I was dealing with.....it was no wonder my anger was what it ended up being.....but he ended up looking like the victim to everyone who couldn't see the big picture..."

Before I realized that I was actually in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can remember going home for holidays, (we lived in another state at the time and would travel to see our families during the holidays, before we had children) and finding that I would always spend ALL of my time with my mom and sister, while he sat in the living room with my dad and brother in law. While my sister would pop in occasionally to deliver a snack, while they played cards, or just to sit on her husband's lap or give him a hug or kiss, I never set foot near him, when I was "safe" at home.

I remember that he even mentioned it on more than one occasion...and pointed out how my sister always showed affection to her husband, brought him food, etc....

At that time, I had NO IDEA why I didn't want to be near him. I realized years later that being "home" around my parents and sister, to whom I was also very close, was an escape for me. They were not belittling me, making cruel jokes about me or my body, or arguing with me. They were not turning every discussion or healthy debate into an unhealthy debate or a chance to point out someone's flaws. It was just an unknown escape for me, at the time.

I also remember one holiday in particular that my own mother made a comment to me privately about the way I was speaking to and treating my husband in front of them. She was not attacking me, but was confused as to why my tone was so short, sarcastic or unloving towards him, for what might have appeared (on the outside) to be NO reason. Again, I did not know. I knew that when she said that, I did get defensive and say something about not knowing how HE talks to me ALL THE TIME, when we are not here, etc....but even THEN, I did not put the pieces together. (Later, ALL of us did.....)

I was reading an article recently that was discussing exactly what you said happened to you. It said that often, the "victim" of EA, is seen as the cold, unfeeling, angry one....in the eyes of others or in the eyes of even their own children. All they see is Mommy rejecting what appear to be Daddy's attempts at being "nice" or loving, etc....(and these are in cases of mostly Covert Abuse, as opposed to "in your face" obvious abuse.) Others always saw my husband as this funny, charming, handsome and successful business man, who I was NEVER laughing at or even wanting to be around in social settings. Eventually, most of our friends who got close enough to us, were able to see what was happening and then, it clicked for them, as to why I always appeared miserable with him.

I experienced FIRST HAND him attempting to make me look crazy, depressed, unstable, and to make it appear as if I was a full on ADDICT. (while I did develop a tolerance to my pain meds, during my years fighting back and neck issues, and before my diagnosis, etc....and while I freely ADMIT to having developed a dependence on them, to alleviate feelings of emotional pain, even my own Psychiatrist, who specializes in Pain Med Dependence/Addiction said that he did NOT view me as a FULL ON ADDICT, but rather someone who initially required meds, and then after developing a dependence, needed assistance getting off of them. ) Anyway, my POINT was NOT to justify or deny ANY of that, rather instead to point out that instead of supporting me through my health issues and/or being understanding about any of it, he wanted to use it against me, to gain sympathy from others for having to "Deal with me".

If or when I would freak out on him, my emotions, rage and anger were always over the top, based on the years I spent repressing that anger and pain. (never in front of my kids, though...) So OF COURSE, I would look like an out of control lunatic in that moment, b/c I WAS...in that moment. He knew exactly how to trigger me, when nothing else worked anymore, and that was by basically saying that I was a bad mother. This, to me, who has happily stayed home with my twins and done NOTHING but love, nurture, protect and sacrifice for them, EVEN IF, I had bad days, or health issues. I was always doing the best I could at any given moment and HE KNOWS THIS DEEP DOWN.

So, what you went through and how you reacted are really textbook. I read once also that some women NEVER fight back. Some women fight back, but eventually give up. Some fight back from the start and finally leave. And others, fight back, by becoming emotional abusers THEMSELVES, in an attempt to get even with and hurt their spouse the way that they were hurt. I always fought back, once I realized what was going on, but did NOT resort to EA tendencies, UNTIL about 4 years ago, when I went totally and completely EMOTIONALLY COLD on him. I made sure to point out ALL of his physical flaws, as he had done to me early on and I basically treated him the same way he treated me. I am not condoning it, but I only did it when pushed to the limit and the difference was, that it was never a calculated attempt to gain any sort of control over him. It was always in the heat of anger....and again, while it doesn't make it okay, it is very common.

That was when I realized that I had to consciously AVOID nearly ALL contact and communication with him, and that I had to always be aware of when he was attempting to trigger me, ESPECIALLY IF MY CHILDREN were present. I have to be extremely careful now, with a divorce pending, that even if I simply go out for dinner and a few drinks with a dear friend, that I DO NOTHING that he could get me for legally. (My cousin's Ex was 10 times worse than mine and she was at a friend's home one night, playing cards and having a few glasses of wine, etc....Anyway, when she left, he had a female friend of his, call the state police and say that she saw my cousin driving erratically on the highway. Well, they pulled her over and while it does NOT excuse it, she blew literally just over the legal limit at .09 or something. Maybe even right at .08. Again, it was WRONG of her to drive, even after just a few glasses of wine, but HE set her up, in an attempt to discredit her as being a responsible parent, while they were in the middle of their divorce. Never mind that she was the sole bread winner for the entirety of their marriage, that she had an amazing job/career and had basically "helped" him get his own bachelor's online by being "forced" to do much of the work for him. She WAS the better and more stable parent, but the second she let her guard down and made a mistake that he could use to his benefit, HE DID IT.) So I am VERY carful with ALL that I do now. Even though I DO have legitimate and chronic pain, I wouldn't take a pain pill if my life depended on it. Mostly by my OWN choice to avoid them altogether, but ALSO, b/c I DO NOT TRUST him not to try to find SOME kind of way to make me appear unfit.

And this is where my original post all came from. The unfairness that comes with living this way for so long. People have issues. People make mistakes. Myself included. But to live in an emotionally abusive marriage for so long and then, have to continue to walk on eggshells or watch your back or attempt to be perfect, well, it feels like a slap in the face, and yet ANOTHER form of control.

Once the divorce is final though, I feel like I will be free from his grip. Obviously I will always be aware and wouldn't do anything stupid deliberately anyway....but I just feel like finally, outside of likely being disagreeable about visitation issues, holidays and probably pissed about whatever the final financial settlement is, I will NOT have to live with him and his anger and negativity every single day. That will ONLY be GOOD for my soul. And maybe if he is lucky, since he is perfect and does everything right, he will find a perfect girlfriend right away, that will take the focus off of me! I feel sorry for whoever it is, and hate to wish that on anyone, but even if I attempted to warn a woman, he will have told such lies by then, that she wouldn't believe me anyway.

Sigh. It is draining even writing this down. And we both know that it doesn't even COMPARE To attempting to live with and raise children with someone like this. To this day, I sometimes wonder if I have made all of this up? If I AM indeed the crazy one? But thank GOD, I have my old journals to go back and read and when I read some of the things I wrote about, long before I was DONE with him and long before I had any intentions outside of working it out, I realize again that I am NOT crazy. I did NOT make this up. He is so good at what he does and HOW he does it, that sometimes I can still even to muster up enough compassion to view him with pity. Or to view him as his own type of victim to whatever damaged him enough to turn out this way. But those moments tend to pass within the blink of an eye, b/c before I can even process the thought, he is usually doing or saying something to remind me all over again, why I am leaving and that I am definitely NOT crazy.

I am glad you were able to ultimately get away from your situation and from your husband. I'm sorry that it took as long as it did. But know that by sharing YOUR story, you help others to look at it and then hopefully REFUSE to lose that much time. To someone in a 2 year marriage, my 12 years looks like a lifetime to them, so it is all relative, really. And hopefully someone, somewhere will read something I have shared here or somewhere else, and save themselves from years of pain, if they recognize themselves in what I have shared. Thanks again.

PS...THANK YOU to ALL who have responded. And sorry for the length of this! Obviously I have a lot to say when something someone else says, reminds me of my own story.

[ESF1214]

Thank you for your reply and for the book suggestion. I would LOVE to see those slides. I totally believe that "abuse" changes the brain. It is a well known fact that abused children are forever changed from who they were or were going to be. They say that the brain can stop growing and learning when the abuse starts. And that when a child is finally able to get away from the abuse or leaves home that many times, they have adolescent coping strategies. I found this to be true in my OWN case, as even though I was technically an "adult" I was 28 when I got married. When I finally had ENOUGH at around the age of 34 or 35, I remember deliberately attempting to get out from under his control by doing anything and everything I knew to act out in ways that would drive him insane. Much like a rebellious teen.

If I was going out with friends, I would come home later than I should. (even though I wasn't "doing anything") If I had a beer and he said ANYTHING? I would deliberately have TWO more, just to piss him off. Hell, I was a former smoker in college and hadn't smoked in nearly 10 years and I deliberately started smoking when I had drinks, just to show him that I COULD. I spent money on whatever we NEEDED and on some things I simply WANTED, for the first time in my life, without making excuses or trying to hide the things I might have purchased. (things like groceries....yes. Things like new shoes for our growing children...yes. I had to explain ALL of that to him previously and deal with basically being "in trouble" for totally benign things!) And so this time, if I bought a pair of expensive boots or God forbid a new pair of jeans for myself or a new winter coat? If he questioned me, I just said.."yep...I got that for me b/c I needed it." And if he was pissed? I didn't care. Usually I'd just go back out and get something else. (and we were lucky to be financially well off, which made HIS griping and complaining over me buying fresh raspberries for my girls, totally asinine!)

Anyway, thanks again for the response and for the book suggestion. I will definitely check that out...once I get myself my new Nook or Kindle! LOL! Have been wanting one for years, and am doing the research and getting ready to buy one, b/c I CAN!

Originally Posted by eskielover

Wow, what a good post....it really hits home....took me 33 years to leave......all but the last 13, I escaped into my engineering career but continued fighting him.

I know what seemed to happen in my situation is that the emotional abuse went on where no one saw it....but I was a fighter....so I fought back....including putting a stop to his pathetic sarcasm he started the marriage with because I found myself fighting back with sarcasm to him & I realized I hated what was going on.....but I wasn't so wise with the other fighting back I was doing.....he would push me on other issues & I would blow up at him.....so when I would blow up where others would see it....they wouldn't see what I had gone through to get me to that point in the first place......looking back now that I left.....I can see all kinds of passive aggressive behavior that I was dealing with.....it was no wonder my anger was what it ended up being.....but he ended up looking like the victim to everyone who couldn't see the big picture.....& I wasn't wise enough to express the big picture....I just fought back. Our poor daughter....no wonder she never wanted to come home.

The final straws came in the last few years I was living with him. I have come to realize that my major depression & anxiety & suicide attempts & even my anorexia wasn't just due to my loss of my career....it was being trapped in a marriage where emotional abuse was a constant & not having a career I was trapped in the marriage because the house was upside down......he had so totally miss managed the money we had while my depression was so bad that there was no money to live on even if I were to get a divorce.

It wasn't until my mother died & I sold her house that I had enough money to escape.....& I truly do feel it was an escape.....I gave him a chance to see if anything would change....1 month at my new farm...& he totally blew it....so I kicked him out......then I found out that the IRS was after him for a mistake he made on my inheritance (so I was actually liable)....only he never said anything or even talked to the IRS for over 10 months when I finally received the letter that was forwarded to my farm....he triggered another realization while I'm filling for divorce (finally)....but I realize he was always doing something to block a divorce our whole married life & the truth came out...that he would feel like a failure if he ever ended up divorced.

The problem with meeting EA with anger is that the angry person ends up looking like the abuser & the bad guy IMO.....while the EA ends up looking like roses......God knows the truth & that is what I hold onto....but now others are seeing him for the person that he's been all his life.

I have always known that I have been right....but it's been an uphill battle against him all the way....& he still plays the victim roll....only I will NOT play his games any longer.....but it's a lot easier to take that stance 2100 miles away from him & being the one that controlls the communication I will allow....it's down to only email because he abused my old phone number & gave it out to a creditor that he ended up defaulting on....& they kept calling ME......

He continually denies that he has ever known that his actions are abusive....either he's totally naive or he's completely BS'ing even himself.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I was married to a verbal abuser (and physical) for 31 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity. I believe it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Yes, the 'repercussions" thing....I hve been alone fo 10 years and he...the abuser has someone in his life. Unfortunately our society is still in the dark ages in regards to emotional abuse, but in France....they do have a law against verbal abuse. I have been working like a "Trojan" for over 10 years to get the message out there and speak on National Television. I presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault to the Michigan Counseling Association. Abusers are narcissists and it is a waste of time to tell them your feelings and thoughts. They do not hear you. All you can do is be the best parent you can, love and nurture your children. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. Verbal abuse (alone) can physically change the brain....I have slides from a researcher at Harvard that shows that....Unbelievable. Every time we are under stress, out bodies release cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. I have always said it is a miracle (after 31 years of abuse) that I am not dead! Educatiion is the key. I hope you will read the book I mentioned. Love and hugs, Nicole

[eskielover]

Thank you so much for this post.....it's making things so much more understandable......

I too could write a novel on all the things that I went through & all the things I think from the beginning that fed into the EA & things I wasn't smart enough to stop or to not even get married in the first place because there was no way I could have stopped anything.

He claims even now that it's his personality & there is nothing he can do to change that (just BS after going through 2 years of DBT)......I dumped on him all his failures as a husband in the 2100 mile drive to my farm that winter.....I don't remember much of that trip.....I don't remember much of my life from 1994 until 2007 when I finally bought my farm & escaped that 2100 miles away.....but even then he didn't stop the abuse....it got worse in different ways with the IRS & the foreclosure oh the home he was living in without saying a word to me....but I would get the calls & then try to contact him about what was going on....with absolutely NO response.

He was always good at lying....he would either say something wasn't as bad as it really was....or he wouldn't say anything at all.....or he would tell me things that he thought were truth in his mind but in reality had absolutely NOTHING to do with reality.....he could make up stuff real good instead of admitting that he didn't know something & he would have to look up the answer (best eg was when my mother got cancer & I was calling her every night....I asked him if our phone service had "anytime hours" & if it did, when did it start.....he just came out with 9pm....come to find out when I had a $500 phone bill that we didn't have any time hours on the plan we had. He was the one that knew where all the phone information was.....& he was the one that got the plans set up for our cell phones.....so he was the one that should have either known the information or known where to find it in the bill filing....but no.....he always knew everything no matter what the question was & being in a position with my depression, anxiety & really BAD migraines that wouldn't go away.....I needed to be able to depend on him for REAL ACCURATE information.

If someone told him he couldn't do something he took it as gospel & wouldn't do anything about it.....happened with my hospital bills because he knew our financial situation & had all the paperwork they needed....NOT ME.....so to me, it was logical to depend on my H to take care of those kinds of things when I wasn't able to....I would have done the same for him if he had been in my place.......

That was the major catalyst for my leaving was that I knew if I had total control of my financial information & I knew exactly how much I had in the bank & wouldn't keep overdrawing like he ended up doing....& I would know exactly how much & where the money was so I could handle emergency situations if they came up & I wouldn't spend money I didn't have.

He has never made a wise decision in his life & definitely none in the 33 years I was married to him....& especially even worse after I left....as that's when the IRS situation came up & so did the foreclosure on the house my name was still on. He has destroyed my credit (not that I buy anything on credit anyway....but I was trying to get a credit card so I could put groceries on it & get a discount on my gas....& I couldn't qualify because of the foreclosure & the mess he made with the house my name was still on in Calif).....my name was still on it with the refi because I had loaned him some money out of my inheritance to do some fixing with the agreement that I would get it back with the refi.....needless to say...never do anything without it being in writing.....but after just going through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer....the PTSD that left me with really messed me up & is still having it's negative effects I keep fighting on top of anything my H ever did.

Most of the time it's the husband controlling the wife through power....not stupidity.....but I've heard a few similar to my situation also.

All I know is that I am so happy to be completely away from him.....the jerk even gave out my phone number I had to a credit company he got a title loan on the car his parents gave him money to buy when the car I left him quit running.....title loans are something most states have made illegal...except for Calif......300% interest. He stupidly purchased a Camaro instead of a reasonable gas using auto.....so then he complained about how much it cost him to run.....& somehow he managed to qualify for a new small economical Toyota.......& quit paying on the title loan.....so they start to call ME because he had given them MY PHONE number....that was when I ended up buying a new smart phone & got rid of that phone number & finally got a local phone number for where I'm now living....that took almost 6 years before I got to that point.....but after his abuse with my phone number....I refuse to even text him...& all communication is done via email.....I had limited it to being in writing in the first place because I could edit what I said to him before letting it get to him......

UGH, I could also write a novel about some of the things I went through.....but much of it is in that black hole & I have no family alive other than my daughter who lived in the house with us for all those years....but I don't want to bring up things with her because I want her to have her own ideas & thoughts & her dad was good to her.....he's always been good at being good to people.....but living with him & having to deal with him on a daily basis as his wife was a whole other story......things he claims he had no idea about....like he was just living life & that's the way it came out.....he wasn't doing anything on purpose.....but the bottom line about his attitudes he's had about having to be smart & having to have everything handed to him without having to work for it....was a huge key to the emotional abuse that he caused whether intentional or not....most of everything was so that he wouldn't look bad or wrong or responsible........that is the most immature personality & through the years it does cause emotional abuse to anyone who has to live with it.

Oh yes....I wanted to comment on the narcotics......I have a pain specialist who takes care of my migrains pain because nothing but narcotics has been able to help....& I have been on the same high dose since 2003.....10 years. They have been good at helping with the definitions. Everyone who is on narcotics becomes dependent....that's just a metabolic fact of life....because everyone without the med will go through withdrawal coming off it is & to come off needs to do it by slowly decreasing the amount. Building up tolerance is different than addiction....tolerance is the body requiring a higher amount in order to provide the pain relief....addiction is wanting a higher amount for the feeling that it provides (& that feeling isn't just the relief from pain)....it's a high or a low or whatever feeling one might really want from the medication. For me even on this really high dose, I have never gotten a high from it or any buzz or any feeling at all other than the relief from pain....my pain specialist said that when the dose is right for the pain......then the patient doesn't get those kinds of feelings that cause people to want them for addiction reasons.

Ugh, I had problem with morphine....itching all over my body & the same with dilauded (a relative of morphine). Demoral was the only thing initially that gave me relief from my migraines....then after the neck fusion which didn't help the migraines at all the hospital's pain specialist started me on the duragesic patch....that's changed every 72 hours...you don't get the wave like effect that one does with pills & I was finally able to get that up to the dose that works....it was a struggle & I went through a lot of issues with pain specialists....but now it's wonderful to be functional.....& after having a compression fracture of my back 2 years ago after a fall off a horse......I think the pain medication is working on a lot more than just my migraines.....I kind of wonder if I would even be able to move with all the breaks & messed up body I've had over the years......so to be functional since I'm the only one on my farm & I don't have money to hire help.....I can't imagine being without the medication at this point in my life.....but my pain specialist is closing his practice & I now have to find another one who is willing to continue my treatment I've been on for so many years & is working so well.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I confess that I haven't read every post b/c it's 3 am and I should be sleeping, but I am too keyed up b/c I JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY T TODAY. I haven't read the book you mentioned, but devoured "Why Does He do That - Inside the Mind of an Angry and Controlling Man" by Lundy Bancroft.

OMG was it eye opening for me. I expected not to relate to anything because in my mind he (husband) wasn't "abusive enough" or "violent enough" but I related to about 80% of it.

The best part of the book, IMO, is that he also shares many warning signs for what to look for in any relationship (not just romantic) so we don't slide back into the same trap.

I'm sorry this is disjointed - but I just am having a hard time believing that 42 of my 46 years have been severely abusive. How did this happen to me??

[nicoleflynn]

Over 45 years of my now 67...years were spent with an abuser. The reason verbal abuse is so overlooked is that it is so prevalent in society that it is seen as "normal." Look at tv; a barrage of insults and verbal abuse beginning way back with Archie Bunker.

We must first as a society become conscious of it and take steps to stop it! To repeat myself The Verbally Abusive Relationship saved my life and sanity. One Ph.D. stated that it is the "cornerstone of civilization. I agree. Verbal abuse alone can change the brain physically.

[Lonely_90]

I'm so glad u got the strength to leave, I know its hard. In my relationship it's a constant rollarcoaster of emotions, everyone tells me to run, but I can't, and I'm sure with children it made it even harder.

I don't know why it isn't recognized in the criminal justice system. I say all the time I would rather he hit me then say those evil words. I can heal from a punch, but the words sting forever, I reply them in my head. I've gotten to the point where I think it's me with the problem. I have made him this way, it's my fault for being to clingy and stupid.

GL

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

This topic has me so baffled with the responses from courts to communities to family members. The verbal/emotional abusers need to take your very soul from you and can hurt you in unimaginable ways, yet there are people who will never ever get it.

It get it, and it pisses me off to no end.

There are therapist who will make the victim feel actually worse and contribute to the destruction of her self esteem.

I will keep hoping and praying that one of these days there will be some sort of consequence for this type of abusers.

I do not want to be a victim ever again, I do not want to live in fear ever again, and I do not want to be called bad names ever again.

I wont

[ladytiger]

"They will invalidate thier victims, force them to take the blame, convince everyone around that thier victim is mentally unstable and prone to exaggeration. It really is no different than any other form of abuse, just with less evidence."

agreed. with emotional abuse, people tell you to 'suck it up and deal with it.' been emotionally abused by parents and other outsiders too but nobody cares so oh well...if they choose to believe in a liar who is great in lying then so be it.

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I attended my mandatory divorce class last night so that I can finally be legally free from that monster. The state requires everyone who is going through a divorce with kids take this class before I actually have my final papers.

The biggest point that the instructors emphasized was to not place your kids on the middle no matter how old they are.

My x put both of my sons in the middle of our divorce and now they will not speak to me. My 17 year old has not said one word to me on six months. I call everyday, leave text messages, and write letters, still nothing. I have not said one bad word about my x to anyone in the community and definitely not my sons.

I will never give up on them.

I cannot believe the amount of devastation this type of abuser can leave in his wake. I lost my community, my home, and my children due to his manipulation.

He hired a team of professional "hackers" the day I left him. He had to know where I was and what I was doing every second of every day. He paid them $98,000.00 to torment me for 9 months. The damage from that little trick was enormous. I lost my 794 credit score(now 525), I lost thousands of dollars, job offers, and my identity was stolen. He intercepted communications with my children by intercepting text messages.

He waged war

I won, I am free

I will never quit on my kids, and I will never be weak again. I feel better today than I have in so many years and I am stronger than I thought.

Verbal/emotional abuse is serious. It is real. It should not be minimized.

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I attended my mandatory divorce class last night so that I can finally be legally free from that monster. The state requires everyone who is going through a divorce with kids take this class before I actually have my final papers.

The biggest point that the instructors emphasized was to not place your kids on the middle no matter how old they are.

My x put both of my sons in the middle of our divorce and now they will not speak to me. My 17 year old has not said one word to me on six months. I call everyday, leave text messages, and write letters, still nothing. I have not said one bad word about my x to anyone in the community and definitely not my sons.

I will never give up on them.

I cannot believe the amount of devastation this type of abuser can leave in his wake. I lost my community, my home, and my children due to his manipulation.

He hired a team of professional "hackers" the day I left him. He had to know where I was and what I was doing every second of every day. He paid them $98,000.00 to torment me for 9 months. The damage from that little trick was enormous. I lost my 794 credit score(now 525), I lost thousands of dollars, job offers, and my identity was stolen. He intercepted communications with my children by intercepting text messages.

He waged war

I won, I am free

I will never quit on my kids, and I will never be weak again. I feel better today than I have in so many years and I am stronger than I thought.

Verbal/emotional abuse is serious. It is real. It should not be minimized.

[nycgal448]

Emotional/ verbal abuse is destroying both myself , me and my
son's life. My mom is horrible to me. I COMPLETELY get you. There
should actually be a law against it, and taken very seriously, and someday
there will be, but by then too many lives will be taken bc of it. It is
basically a form of bullying . Karma is a *****!!! They will get theirs.

[eskielover]

You do know that we can't make laws for everything....some things should be taught as the right way of treating others in the family......unfortunately as the family life has degraded over the years.....so has the learning how to treat others.

I personally DON'T want laws made to regulate everything I say or do & living under conditions where everything we say or do falls under some law would be like living in hell....a hell even worse than what we think the abuse is to us.

[nycgal448]

Just a thought... u know what? this is the second time I got my
head bit off by someone in giving MY feedback. I dont appreciate
it, DO UNTO OTHERS< AS THEY DO UNTO U. Those are words
to live by.

[nycgal448]

I treat everybody on here w the same amount of
respect they give me..,.. so emotional abuse is
worse than physical, words can inprint u for life.