Please note: This guidebook will act under the assumption that saying the word, “five” is a serious, universally taboo insult. In this setting, remember, you must have everyone believe you are the innocent victim of false accusations. If you are very skilled, not only will the world in general side with you against your target, but the target will too. Any self-loathing you can generate will only work in your favor.

Never, under any circumstances, say “five” in front of witnesses, or your target will have a case against you and draw sympathy. You must be clever and creative in finding ways to hint at or suggest “five,” dancing all the way around it, coming as close as possible without actually using the word. You might try:
---You are such a three plus two.
---Wear something else. You look like a total forty divided by eight in that.
---Only half of a ten would even think such a thing.
---That’s such a six minus one thing to say.
---What a crock of the paper currency Abraham Lincoln’s portrait is on.

When your target reaches the logical conclusion that the equations and riddles all add up to five, be shocked and hurt at the mere suggestion. Point out that you never actually used the word “five.” Insist that it was your target’s imagination. Your target is just looking for “five” everywhere, and is therefore hearing it where it isn’t being said. Blame your target wherever possible. After all, it was your target who put the numbers together, not you, so your target must have “five” on the brain.

On occasion, if you can manage to make it look like an accident, you may get away with actually saying the word. “Yeah, that’s five with me.” If you do this in the presence of a witness, you must then act horrified, put on a great display of regret, and claim it was an innocent slip of the tongue. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I meant to say, that’s FINE with me. I don’t even know where that came from. I hope you know I would never say such a terrible thing to you.” The sorrier you appear to be, the better. Your witness will sympathize, because everyone misspeaks now and then. Even if your target knows you did it on purpose, he or she will be unable to say so, plausibly. The witness will assume you are being held to unreasonable standards, never allowed to make a mistake, and public opinion will turn against the target.

If you and your target are alone when you say it, the pretense of being sorry isn’t necessary. That is your golden opportunity to become angry at your target, and create self-doubt. You could genuinely apologize for an innocent slip of the tongue, but why bother? Innocent or intentional is irrelevant here. In either case, you may simply deny that you said it in the first place. Your target misheard. The word you meant to say, and should have said, is what you actually did say all along. While you’re defending yourself, remember to blame and discredit your target. “I never said ‘five!’ What I said was, that’s FINE with me. There you go again, you and your wild imagination, looking for ‘five’ when it isn’t there.” If your target tells other people what happened between the two of you, don’t panic. It’s your word against the target’s. You can claim anything, that your target is lying, or that your target is delusional. Nobody will know for sure. It is important to stick to your guns. The more you insist that you said “fine,” not “five,” the more true it will become, and the more self-doubt your target will develop. Begin making it a special point always to say the kindest things about your target to other people. This will make it less believable that you are saying unkind things when you and your target are alone. Over time, if your target does not already have a diagnosed mental or emotional condition, you may be able to create one, which you may then use to your full advantage in future situations. If your target is “crazy,” no one will believe him or her.

Don’t worry if you are caught now and then, and must admit you said or suggested “five.” You can still turn this around on your target. Assume the full appearance of an apology, but don’t forget to imply that your target is at fault, not you. Tactics such as, “I’m sorry you heard ‘five’ in what I said,” will come in handy. You are not admitting to any wrongdoing. Instead, you are putting the blame squarely where it belongs: on the target, who misheard you, as usual. You may also try, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect, but you know, nobody is.” This will suggest that your target is unreasonable, demanding perfection from you when you are only human. Be sure to give away subtle signals with your body language, facial expression, and tone of voice, in which you make it plain that you are angry and resent having to degrade yourself by apologizing, but nevertheless, you are willing to “be the bigger person” if that’s what it takes to “keep the peace.” In some cases, you may get away with being less than subtle with your anger cues. Go ahead and glare at your target, raising your voice and speaking sharply: “OK, I’m sorry! Now, will you get off my back and shut up about it?” When this does not satisfy your target—and it won’t—you are then free to tell yourself, your target, and anyone who will listen, “I apologized, but it wasn’t accepted.” Your target simply likes to play the victim and hold on to the past, that’s all. This will return sympathy to you.

Chances are, eventually your target will try psychotherapy. This also is to your advantage. Most importantly, do not attend therapy yourself, unless it’s to go with your target to his or her sessions, and show how supportive you are. Your target is the identified patient, not you, and is therefore the one who has the issues. You, by contrast, are perfectly sane, as evidenced by the fact that your target sees a shrink, but you don’t. Be sure to remind your target of that fact from now on, any time a conflict arises. You will further drive the point home by tossing in such remarks as, “You need to call your shrink,” any time your target takes offense to something you said. If your target has been prescribed medication, so much the better. At the first sign of emotional upset, you may then ask, “Did you take your medicine today?” You will win that round, whatever the answer is. If no, “You need to go and take it.” If yes, “I think you need to have it adjusted. It isn’t working.” This tactic will come in handy for all situations, even if it appears that your target has perfectly valid reasons to be upset. Remember, for people who have a mental diagnosis, there are no valid reasons. Any emotion at all is proof that they’re “crazy.” You never again have to take a word they say seriously. After all, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

The time to panic comes when your target begins to recover. As long as your target is sick, you’re the healthy one trying to be noble and cope with somebody else’s issues. Furthermore, you have a purpose in life, taking care of someone who is damaged. Therefore, you must see to it that your target remains damaged. Allow enough improvement to give you room to say, “See? I knew you needed a shrink. Look how much good it’s done you.” But if your target actually becomes healthy, it will threaten the balance of things, and may even expose your own issues. You must not let this happen. One way you can sabotage progess is by switching roles and becoming the victim, setting your target up as the abuser. You are not gaslighting your target. It’s the other way around. Your target is gaslighting you, trying to convince you that you said or did things, when it didn’t happen that way. Don’t forget to exaggerate, overgeneralize, and misrepresent, all the while accusing your target of doing the same thing. For example, your target tells you that a group of friends has been kind, considerate, and supportive. That means none of the friends are ever unkind in any situation, to anybody, for any reason, while you are nothing but mean and evil. In response, be sure and point out their every flaw, and your every virtue, in order to prove your target is wrong. You can’t have anyone else thinking those friends are better people than you are. If your target points out that he or she didn’t say anything bad about you, accuse the target of playing those games of, “I didn’t actually use the word ‘five,’” outlined earlier.

Projection and double standard are vital. Call it some positive thing, such as “teaching” or “leading,” when you do it. Call it a less flattering thing, such as “brainwashing” or “corrupting,” when someone else does it. Remember, when anybody says or does something, and it makes you look less than ideal, they’re a bad influence on your target. If you do or say exactly the same thing, well, that’s different, because you’re you and they’re them. Your target’s so-called friends are discouraging him or her from visiting you, and advising your target not to listen to what you say. This is using isolation techniques, trying to come in between you and your target, so they can take control of your target’s mind. You, on the other hand, only want what’s best for your target, and that’s why you must insist that your target stop socializing with his or her friends, and not listen to what they say.

The goal, ideally, is to keep your target in perpetual therapy so that you can point to it as proof of his or her craziness, and your own sanity. If possible, you must not let him or her graduate from therapy. If, for any reason, it has been determined that your target has beome healthy enough to function independently, you must urgently suggest returning to therapy at the first opportunity you can seize. “You were doing so well, but now you’re relapsing. You’d better start seeing a shrink again.” There will always be that opportunity. Because you’ve never seen a professional for yourself, you don’t have a diagnosis. Your target does. Remember, for someone with a mental diagnosis, there are no legitimate reasons to show any emotion. Therefore, when a loved one dies, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for you to cry at the funeral. However, if you catch your target shedding so much as one tear, he or she has slipped into a depression, and must resume therapy. Don’t worry if your target doesn’t cry. You can use that too. He or she is out of touch with his emotions, cannot grieve normally, and therefore must resume therapy.

However, any time some skill learned in therapy works out to your disadvantage, call it “psychobabble,” and tell your target to knock it off. Remember, you must maintain the appearance that you want your target to “get well,” but you must not actually let it happen. If you have the power to do so, now is the time pull your target out of therapy, because, “That quack is warping your mind and turning you against us.” You may want to keep trying different therapists until you find one who is more likely to side with you. If that is impossible, or if you don’t have the legal authority to make those decisions for your target, begin voicing your disapproval of therapy in general. Discredit the therapist if you can do so. After all, he or she is human, and must have some flaw that will give you reason to say it’s all a bunch of garbage. You may also try to discredit the very idea of going to therapy at all. Tell your target, “Your therapist doesn’t really want you to get well. If you don’t stay sick, helpless, and dependent, you’ll stop going to sessions, and they’re out of a job. It’s all a big money-making scam.” Never mind if, after you persuade your target to discontinue the sessions, he or she remains sick, helpless, and dependent on you instead of on the therapist. That’s the way things are supposed to be. You know your target better than some outsider does. Therefore you, and not some stuffed shirt with a piece of paper from some fancy university, are in a better position to say what’s best for him or her.

And most important, while all of this is going on, don’t forget to keep telling your target, “Nobody else is going to love you like I do.”

Heartbreaking.

[haier]

That sounds exactly like what happened to me every letter and word and sentence and paragraph and the contents. Exactly.

Originally Posted by haier

That sounds exactly like what happened to me every letter and word and sentence and paragraph and the contents. Exactly.

Me too. Every trick in the book, there. Well, not quite. I think I could have gone on. I thought about elaborating on the "nobody will love you like I do." Things like telling your target, "You're lucky I put up with you. Nobody else could stand you." But it was getting too long already.

[haier]

Funny, how you think it's too long already. Imagine 12 years of that.

In my case it's my mother. Seven years ago, I finally moved thousands of miles away from her and haven't been back. I was 42 at the time. It took that long. She'd still subtly put me down if I were still in contact with her. Every conversation we ever had, she'd steer around to diet and weight loss, what I'm eating that I shouldn't be, and what supplements I'm not taking that I should be. Every choice I ever made for myself was questionable. I didn't do anything right. I was made to feel so personally incompetent that I've only been driving for a year.

The more dependent on her she kept me, the more she could tell herself what a heroic mother she is, taking care of a grown daughter who's handicapped. You see, her sister, my aunt, was mentally challenged and was never able to move out on her own. In addition, my uncle came back from Viet Nam severely damaged. My grandmother was seen as a strong, courageous lady for taking care of them. I think my mother was trying to re-create that situation. She wanted me to be disabled too, so people would tell her how strong and courageous she is, taking care of me.

I do have my disabilities, but I'm not as helpless and dependent as she wants me to be. If she had it her way, I'd still be living in her house, her telling me what time to go to bed, when to get up in the morning, what to eat, what to wear, what chores to do all day (and I do mean ALL day) and where I'm allowed to go. That's the way it was the last time I lived in her house, and I was in my mid 30's then. I didn't have a driver's license or a car, and there was no public transit. Therefore I didn't go where she wouldn't take me. I was with her around the clock, every day, never had a minute for myself. And that's exactly the way she would want it.

[nicoleflynn]

Imagine.....31 years of that.

[unaluna]

I hear ya. My mother tells her friends im "slow". Im a member of mensa for cripes sake. What the heck is that about? I guess im not successful enough for her. When i was working at a major university ( and my brother was "only" self-employed), they could not have been less unsupportive, whining and scheduling family functions when i had to work a rare but essential weekend. Total target control. How could i be so stupid?

[haier]

I had that from my mother too and ex husband. I didn't realize at the time but they are very toxic people. It's hard to not fall into their trap. These people are so good at what they do. My mother, i am able to avoid. But ex is more difficult. Especially when you are expected to "co-parent" with ugly people like these. My girls and I are in therapy. Just a year ago he was still hurting us. I don't understand why if he was doing this why he gets to still have parental rights. I wish he would dissapear sometimes.

[ladytiger]

sounds like my parents and i agree these abusers are so great at what they are doing which is very hard to pin point about what/how they are doing. which is why my ex therapist couldn't seem to figure out my parents yet she feels they are saints yet didn't do their job as parents! a person is a saint who does their job in everything, how does someone who never wanted kids nor take care of them is a saint?!?

I know that's right, ladytiger. Oh, all the "I'm sure your mother did the best she could do," I've heard.... Yeah, not if she's also telling us to shut up about what happens in our house. If she knows it's something to shut up about, she knows it's wrong. And if she knows it's wrong, but does it anyway, it's not the best she can do, is it?

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I know that's right, ladytiger. Oh, all the "I'm sure your mother did the best she could do," I've heard.... Yeah, not if she's also telling us to shut up about what happens in our house. If she knows it's something to shut up about, she knows it's wrong. And if she knows it's wrong, but does it anyway, it's not the best she can do, is it?

Agreed. I hate hearing 'they are your parents, they put a roof over your head, you should be grateful that you were born, they did the best they could, etc.' How does a parent do the best they could when there was NO PROGRESS in making their lives and the kids' lives better? Lots of people shut up when I said that. My ex therapist tried to get me to agree that my mom "did the best she could." I went down memory lane with her (ex therapist): did my parents behave like parents? no. did they wanted to have kids because they love kids? no. they said we were a burden to them and just wanted kids to get more money in taxes and to be their little servants. mom had us to keep dad around i figured that out when i was 10 and my sister told me that mom told her that she had us to keep him, so she admitted it in the 70s (before i was born). my dad didn't wanna be home, he wanted to be with his *****s. he is a flat out narc to a T, enjoys making you upset and gloats, etc. I gave her a huge laundry list of what they DIDN'T do and ask the idiot ex therapist who is a mom herself 'does that sound like a set of real parents? loving ones?'

i couldn't make sense with this therapist i believe she has unresolved issues too. i asked her do you have a moral compass or something? how could you say two people are parents but did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for their kids? she sat there looking stupid! she has parental arrogance plus used biology in her arguments against me and told her 'does biology say anything about two people ready to be parents? it's proven a man and a woman have sex make a child, but are they physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially ready? she was quiet when i said that. i said this to a lot of people went over their heads, always had to argue with me saying i am a liar and wrong (i could tell by how these people spoke that their info came from what "society says and wanted" not using their own individual minds to think for themselves) saying "you have an obligation to your family."

i cut them off saying 'yea, once a upon a time, families had strong ties and you were put to shame if you didn't do stuff for your family. well, you are still put to shame now even today but at the same time others get an applause for not taking care of their families - a man cheats on his wife and it's still her fault.' i told my ex therapist (and other people) a huge long list of what my parents said and didn't do, it's always about "they are parents," what about what they DIDN'T do? nevermind if two idiots made children doesn't make them parents! she got very huffy about that guess it offended the ex therapist because she is married with kids!

When people tell me how much I should appreciate my mother, I offer to trade. They shut up real fast.

Here are more good tools to carry in the box, if you want to keep your target second-guessing (usually her but can be him)self. From now on, I'll say "her" instead of "him or her," just to save syllables.

Always debate whatever she says. When she voices an opinion, never mind the hundred people who agree with her and tell her she's absolutely right. Nothing is absolute. A case can always be made for the other side. Therefore, you should be the one to jump in quickly with, "On the other hand...." Eventually this will lead to frustration. Your target, if she still has the nerve, will ask, "Can't I ever say anything without you arguing with it or challenging it? Am I never right in your eyes?" That's when you play your trump card. "Well! Excuse ME for having an opinion!" Put on as big a show of hurt feelings as you can display. You want any onlookers to know, she's the one shutting you down and not allowing you to speak your mind, not the other way around.

If she tells you about someone else being rude or abusive to her, immediately defend the other person. It doesn't matter whether the other person was in the right, borderline, or flat-out wrong. Your goal is to frustrate your target, and make her doubt her own perception of what happened. Handy phrases to use include:

---I'm sure she didn't mean it like that.
---You're pretty sensitive. Maybe you just took it wrong.
---I guess he's having a bad day.
---Well, she has problems.
---He must be under a lot of stress.
---She can't help it.
---He's doing the best he can.

You may then end up challenged with, "Whose side are you on?" In this case, you assure your target, "I am always on your side. I'm just trying to get you to be able see another point of view." Your target will then come to the conclusion that she is rigid and narrow-minded, incapable of understanding anything unless you in your wisdom point it out for her. She may even begin to believe she is stupid and socially inept. This is exactly what you want her to think, all the while telling her, "I only want what's best for you."

Don't worry if what the other person did appears to be absolutely indefensible. You can still find a way to blame it on your target. Simply tell her, "You must give off some kind of signal that tells people it's OK to talk to you that way. I doubt she would have said that to me. Remember, we teach people how to treat us." This way, you're still creating the impression it's the target's fault, even when it isn't.

Has your target been the victim of a crime? Now is not the time to be sympathetic. Be sure to grill your target about what she did to provoke the other person, and/or what she could have done to prevent it. Was she in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time of day? Did she carelessly walk away and leave her purse unattended? If it was unwanted sexual advances, was she dressed inappropriately? Did she smile too much, or do anything else that might have given him the wrong idea? If her therapist or anyone else tells her she is not to blame, and she questions what you said in favor of what they said, answer, "They're telling you what you WANT to hear. I'm telling you what you NEED to hear." Above all, you must not forget, nor let your target forget, anything bad that happens is ALWAYS her fault.

[Douglas MacNeill]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

Please note: This guidebook will act under the assumption that saying the word, “five” is a serious, universally taboo insult. In this setting, remember, you must have everyone believe you are the innocent victim of false accusations. If you are very skilled, not only will the world in general side with you against your target, but the target will too. Any self-loathing you can generate will only work in your favor.

Never, under any circumstances, say “five” in front of witnesses, or your target will have a case against you and draw sympathy. You must be clever and creative in finding ways to hint at or suggest “five,” dancing all the way around it, coming as close as possible without actually using the word. You might try:
---You are such a three plus two.
---Wear something else. You look like a total forty divided by eight in that.
---Only half of a ten would even think such a thing.
---That’s such a six minus one thing to say.
---What a crock of the paper currency Abraham Lincoln’s portrait is on.

When your target reaches the logical conclusion that the equations and riddles all add up to five, be shocked and hurt at the mere suggestion. Point out that you never actually used the word “five.” Insist that it was your target’s imagination. Your target is just looking for “five” everywhere, and is therefore hearing it where it isn’t being said. Blame your target wherever possible. After all, it was your target who put the numbers together, not you, so your target must have “five” on the brain.

On occasion, if you can manage to make it look like an accident, you may get away with actually saying the word. “Yeah, that’s five with me.” If you do this in the presence of a witness, you must then act horrified, put on a great display of regret, and claim it was an innocent slip of the tongue. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I meant to say, that’s FINE with me. I don’t even know where that came from. I hope you know I would never say such a terrible thing to you.” The sorrier you appear to be, the better. Your witness will sympathize, because everyone misspeaks now and then. Even if your target knows you did it on purpose, he or she will be unable to say so, plausibly. The witness will assume you are being held to unreasonable standards, never allowed to make a mistake, and public opinion will turn against the target.

If you and your target are alone when you say it, the pretense of being sorry isn’t necessary. That is your golden opportunity to become angry at your target, and create self-doubt. You could genuinely apologize for an innocent slip of the tongue, but why bother? Innocent or intentional is irrelevant here. In either case, you may simply deny that you said it in the first place. Your target misheard. The word you meant to say, and should have said, is what you actually did say all along. While you’re defending yourself, remember to blame and discredit your target. “I never said ‘five!’ What I said was, that’s FINE with me. There you go again, you and your wild imagination, looking for ‘five’ when it isn’t there.” If your target tells other people what happened between the two of you, don’t panic. It’s your word against the target’s. You can claim anything, that your target is lying, or that your target is delusional. Nobody will know for sure. It is important to stick to your guns. The more you insist that you said “fine,” not “five,” the more true it will become, and the more self-doubt your target will develop. Begin making it a special point always to say the kindest things about your target to other people. This will make it less believable that you are saying unkind things when you and your target are alone. Over time, if your target does not already have a diagnosed mental or emotional condition, you may be able to create one, which you may then use to your full advantage in future situations. If your target is “crazy,” no one will believe him or her.

Don’t worry if you are caught now and then, and must admit you said or suggested “five.” You can still turn this around on your target. Assume the full appearance of an apology, but don’t forget to imply that your target is at fault, not you. Tactics such as, “I’m sorry you heard ‘five’ in what I said,” will come in handy. You are not admitting to any wrongdoing. Instead, you are putting the blame squarely where it belongs: on the target, who misheard you, as usual. You may also try, “I’m sorry I’m not perfect, but you know, nobody is.” This will suggest that your target is unreasonable, demanding perfection from you when you are only human. Be sure to give away subtle signals with your body language, facial expression, and tone of voice, in which you make it plain that you are angry and resent having to degrade yourself by apologizing, but nevertheless, you are willing to “be the bigger person” if that’s what it takes to “keep the peace.” In some cases, you may get away with being less than subtle with your anger cues. Go ahead and glare at your target, raising your voice and speaking sharply: “OK, I’m sorry! Now, will you get off my back and shut up about it?” When this does not satisfy your target—and it won’t—you are then free to tell yourself, your target, and anyone who will listen, “I apologized, but it wasn’t accepted.” Your target simply likes to play the victim and hold on to the past, that’s all. This will return sympathy to you.

Chances are, eventually your target will try psychotherapy. This also is to your advantage. Most importantly, do not attend therapy yourself, unless it’s to go with your target to his or her sessions, and show how supportive you are. Your target is the identified patient, not you, and is therefore the one who has the issues. You, by contrast, are perfectly sane, as evidenced by the fact that your target sees a shrink, but you don’t. Be sure to remind your target of that fact from now on, any time a conflict arises. You will further drive the point home by tossing in such remarks as, “You need to call your shrink,” any time your target takes offense to something you said. If your target has been prescribed medication, so much the better. At the first sign of emotional upset, you may then ask, “Did you take your medicine today?” You will win that round, whatever the answer is. If no, “You need to go and take it.” If yes, “I think you need to have it adjusted. It isn’t working.” This tactic will come in handy for all situations, even if it appears that your target has perfectly valid reasons to be upset. Remember, for people who have a mental diagnosis, there are no valid reasons. Any emotion at all is proof that they’re “crazy.” You never again have to take a word they say seriously. After all, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

The time to panic comes when your target begins to recover. As long as your target is sick, you’re the healthy one trying to be noble and cope with somebody else’s issues. Furthermore, you have a purpose in life, taking care of someone who is damaged. Therefore, you must see to it that your target remains damaged. Allow enough improvement to give you room to say, “See? I knew you needed a shrink. Look how much good it’s done you.” But if your target actually becomes healthy, it will threaten the balance of things, and may even expose your own issues. You must not let this happen. One way you can sabotage progess is by switching roles and becoming the victim, setting your target up as the abuser. You are not gaslighting your target. It’s the other way around. Your target is gaslighting you, trying to convince you that you said or did things, when it didn’t happen that way. Don’t forget to exaggerate, overgeneralize, and misrepresent, all the while accusing your target of doing the same thing. For example, your target tells you that a group of friends has been kind, considerate, and supportive. That means none of the friends are ever unkind in any situation, to anybody, for any reason, while you are nothing but mean and evil. In response, be sure and point out their every flaw, and your every virtue, in order to prove your target is wrong. You can’t have anyone else thinking those friends are better people than you are. If your target points out that he or she didn’t say anything bad about you, accuse the target of playing those games of, “I didn’t actually use the word ‘five,’” outlined earlier.

Projection and double standard are vital. Call it some positive thing, such as “teaching” or “leading,” when you do it. Call it a less flattering thing, such as “brainwashing” or “corrupting,” when someone else does it. Remember, when anybody says or does something, and it makes you look less than ideal, they’re a bad influence on your target. If you do or say exactly the same thing, well, that’s different, because you’re you and they’re them. Your target’s so-called friends are discouraging him or her from visiting you, and advising your target not to listen to what you say. This is using isolation techniques, trying to come in between you and your target, so they can take control of your target’s mind. You, on the other hand, only want what’s best for your target, and that’s why you must insist that your target stop socializing with his or her friends, and not listen to what they say.

The goal, ideally, is to keep your target in perpetual therapy so that you can point to it as proof of his or her craziness, and your own sanity. If possible, you must not let him or her graduate from therapy. If, for any reason, it has been determined that your target has beome healthy enough to function independently, you must urgently suggest returning to therapy at the first opportunity you can seize. “You were doing so well, but now you’re relapsing. You’d better start seeing a shrink again.” There will always be that opportunity. Because you’ve never seen a professional for yourself, you don’t have a diagnosis. Your target does. Remember, for someone with a mental diagnosis, there are no legitimate reasons to show any emotion. Therefore, when a loved one dies, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for you to cry at the funeral. However, if you catch your target shedding so much as one tear, he or she has slipped into a depression, and must resume therapy. Don’t worry if your target doesn’t cry. You can use that too. He or she is out of touch with his emotions, cannot grieve normally, and therefore must resume therapy.

However, any time some skill learned in therapy works out to your disadvantage, call it “psychobabble,” and tell your target to knock it off. Remember, you must maintain the appearance that you want your target to “get well,” but you must not actually let it happen. If you have the power to do so, now is the time pull your target out of therapy, because, “That quack is warping your mind and turning you against us.” You may want to keep trying different therapists until you find one who is more likely to side with you. If that is impossible, or if you don’t have the legal authority to make those decisions for your target, begin voicing your disapproval of therapy in general. Discredit the therapist if you can do so. After all, he or she is human, and must have some flaw that will give you reason to say it’s all a bunch of garbage. You may also try to discredit the very idea of going to therapy at all. Tell your target, “Your therapist doesn’t really want you to get well. If you don’t stay sick, helpless, and dependent, you’ll stop going to sessions, and they’re out of a job. It’s all a big money-making scam.” Never mind if, after you persuade your target to discontinue the sessions, he or she remains sick, helpless, and dependent on you instead of on the therapist. That’s the way things are supposed to be. You know your target better than some outsider does. Therefore you, and not some stuffed shirt with a piece of paper from some fancy university, are in a better position to say what’s best for him or her.

And most important, while all of this is going on, don’t forget to keep telling your target, “Nobody else is going to love you like I do.”

Horrific, because it rings all too true. *shudders*

[Trigger Warning Begins]
But there's one other word of advice for the abuser: As a last, violent answer--if all else fails--you must be prepared to murder your target. If you can't have that person, no one else will: not today; not ever.
[Trigger Warning Ends]

And let the target know it, too! That might bring her back to her senses. A terrified target is a well-behaved target.

Yeah, that's the extreme it comes to. If we know the tricks of the trade beforehand, we might be able to get out from under their control before it's too late. I'd rather be written off as some "crazy psycho yammering (ahem) who listened to all those other crazy psycho yammering (ahem)s" than be trapped where I'm hating myself.

There will be a Part Three, elaborating on "nobody else will ever love you like I do" and calling the same behavior by a different name depending on who's doing it. I'm mentally putting it together now.

[ladytiger]

i always tell people to trade parents with me and yep they shut up fast! oh wait, i thought they were saints! lol my mom is always rude to people and doesn't care. she got at it with a pharmacist one time over the prescriptions and the insurance. she gave lip to the woman and the woman kinda gave lip but got frustrated. my mom snatched the drugs from her hand and said thank you very ******.

how embarrassing! pharmacist and customers just looked at her dumbfounded. my mom always uses a race card the girl wasn't being racist she simply was doing what her job description told her to do! my parents never care about their rude, outrageous behaviors and people have frowned at them. i have gotten a few are they your parents? god i am sorry lol.

Part Three: Guidebook for Abusers: How to Keep Your Target Under Your Control

We cannot overemphasize the importance of double standards. Use connotation to your full advantage, by calling it something positive when you do it, something negative when others do it. This can apply directly to your target, and also to your target’s friends who are trying to fill her head with garbage against you. They are controlling. You are protective. They are rude. You tell it like it is. They are too picky. You have high standards. They interfere where it’s none of their business. You are trying to help.

Remember, what you do is always acceptable, because you have a reason for it, while your target’s behavior is always wrong even if it’s identical to what you just did. Tell your target, for example, that it’s a sin to be angry. Then when she refutes that statement, perhaps by pointing out that Jesus Christ got angry on occasion, begin swearing at her and calling her names. That’s not at all hypocritical of you. She is the one who frustrated you and made you angry, because she always has to be such a contrary know-it-all and can’t just accept what you say because you said it. Besides, this is you being angry, which makes it all right. Anger is only a sin when it is your target who is angry.

While we’re on the subject, if you do believe, be sure to zero in on any Scripture that you can use against your target, while ignoring verses that appear to contradict you. The commandment, “honor thy father and thy mother” is one you can always fall back on, if you are your target’s parent. If you are your target’s husband, “wives, submit to your husbands” will come in handy any time you want to make sure you get your own way. Never mind the passages telling parents not to provoke their children to wrath, and husbands to love their wives to the point of self-sacrifice. If your target reminds you of them, tell her she lacks proper understanding. Accuse her of taking those verses out of context, twisting the Bible around to make it say what she wants it to say, or of cramming it down your throat. It’s the same thing you were just doing to her, but remember, it’s OK when you do it.

No-win situations are another valuable tool. Even if your target does exactly what you told her to do, never let her believe she has taken the correct action. This works especially well with older siblings. Did little brother get hurt on the playground? Perfect! Rip your target apart and call her irresponsible, because she should have been watching him. Next time she sees him starting to climb the wrong way up the slide, you can bet she’ll try to stop him, and he’ll complain to you that she’s being bossy. That’s your cue to remind your target she is not his mother. It’s your place to correct him, not hers. She should have come and told you about it, instead of trying to deal with it herself. Then the next time he does it, and she tells you, that’s when you chastise her for being a tattletale.

Oh, yes. Don’t forget to provoke. How else are you going to have an opportunity to tell your target that she is being sinfully angry, unless you keep after her until she becomes angry? Be relentless about it. Whatever you know annoys her the most, be sure and do that. She totally despises being tickled? Well then, for goodness sake, what are you waiting for? Get busy tickling her! When she asks you politely to stop, ignore her and keep doing it. You didn’t hear a word; the fact that you’re laughing doesn’t prove you did. Keep this up until she loses her temper. That’s when you get to tell her she has anger issues. After all, you were only trying to have a little fun. You can’t help it if she has no sense of humor.

Do not, under any circumstances, ever let her get away with doing the same thing. You may say whatever comes to your mind. It isn’t your fault she is hypersensitive. Go ahead and tease her all you want to about being fat, and dismiss her hurt feelings by asking, “What’s the matter? Can’t you take a joke?” But if ever she makes the slightest jab at your own beer belly, that’s getting personal. Tell her in detail what a cruel, vicious insult it was, and how much damage such carelessness can do to someone’s self-esteem. For bonus points, you may wish to throw in, “That’s why nobody likes you.” Do not accept as an explanation, “It was only a joke.” You, and you alone, have permission to use that defense.

Only perfect people have any room to criticize. You know your target isn’t perfect. You’d better make sure she knows it too. If your target ever approaches you about something hurtful you did, immediately go on the offensive. Answer with every single mistake she has ever made. Steer all conversations around to what is imperfect about her. If you are skillful enough, within fifteen minutes, she will be in tears and apologizing to you. Eventually she will stop daring to confront you, and you can do as you please.

You must make sure your target never forgets how undesirable she is. Remind her constantly that she is fat, ugly, stupid, and inept at life. Find at least three things wrong with every meal she cooks. No matter how hard she has worked at cleaning the house, there will always be something left undone. Zoom in on that, even if it seems like you’re being petty. After all, polishing the door knobs is important too. Germy door knobs can spread illness.

For targets who are still in school, making a big deal over getting a B instead of an A is a handy tactic. You can even find fault with an A minus, for not being a full A. Did your target make straight A’s? That’s OK. You can still turn it against her. Advise her that “book smarts” don’t matter in real life, and that she doesn’t have the kind of smarts that really count. Then, the next time she makes the smallest mistake, or can’t understand something right away, tell her she must not be so smart after all.

Once she becomes a mother, undermine her parenting in front of her children. This can be done even if you are not their other parent. Tell them they shouldn’t be required to do whatever she just told them to do. She is too strict. Then blatantly go against her. For example, if she has forbidden them to see a particular movie, offer to babysit for free at a time when she really needs it, and then oops, just accidentally make sure you put exactly that movie into your player. What will it hurt? Conversely, if she gives them permission to do something you don’t approve of, she is too lenient. Speak up about how they shouldn’t be allowed to do that. By all means, take them out to have their hair cut, even though when you asked, she said no. Yes, of course she told you she’s letting them grow it out long on purpose, but that’s probably just an excuse. She probably can’t afford to pay a hairdresser and is embarrassed about it. What matters is, their hair looks terrible at that awkward in-between stage. Just ignore the fact that their mother said no, and do what you think is best. When her children eventually stop listening to her, you can always point to the fact that she can’t control them to demonstrate how incompetent she is.

She should be grateful to have you. No one else would put up with her. Tell her so whenever you can. Do not let her believe anyone else would treat her better than you do. Tell her she deserves what she gets. If other people seem happier with their lives than she is with hers, they’re just putting on a face for other people. This is the real world. That is a fantasy. Compare yourself often to the most extreme abusers, reminding your target that she’s lucky you don’t do those things. In fact, you’re an angel by comparison. As long as she believes this, she will never leave you.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Oh, don't forget the final technique of the target-abuser. After your target finally leaves for good, keep demanding forgiveness. Tell your target that he/she is not healthy because harboring resentment is a personality flaw. You might get them to doubt themselves so much, that they willingly become retargets.

And most religions will support that point of view, so that makes it easier.

^^Good one!

The leaders at my church are at least enlightened on that subject. Said the head deacon himself, "You can forgive somebody for repeatedly throwing acid at your face, but that doesn't mean you have to keep going back for more acid."

Oh, and let me add that demanding forgiveness can still be done without admitting any wrongdoing. NEVER admit you have done something that needs to be forgiven, all the while demanding that your target forgive anyway. It makes perfect sense to tell your target, "Nothing bad actually happened. It was all in your imagination. Now, forgive and forget." Your target will wonder, "Forgive and forget what? If it didn't happen, what is there to forgive and forget?" That's your cue to accuse your target of being stubborn and difficult, and just wanting to hold on to the hurts so she can play victim.

On the "compare yourself to the most extreme abusers," what I'm remembering is how my first husband and I watched The Burning Bed when it aired on TV. Every time Mickey abused Francine, my ex would say, "Wow! See, I'm not as bad as that, am I?" I know now that a normal, healthy, non-abusing husband wouldn't have even put himself in the picture. The man I'm married to now and forever would have just shaken his head and talked about how awful it is to treat somebody that way, without making a comparison to himself. If it's obvious you're not in the same category, it shouldn't be necessary to point out degree.

[ladytiger]

on comparing themselves, other people have told me horrible stories of other parents doing "worse" to their kids and telling me 'see, your parents aren't that bad they "mistreated you" but not do xyz.' does it make it a difference? bad is bad, worse is worse, mistreatment is mistreatment, abuse is abuse! when are there varying degrees of who had it bad or not? is there a point scale? i told this to ex therapist i said let's compare your life to mine and see who wins!

it's so stupid! i agree a non abusive person wouldn't compare themselves like that which i told a lot of people that and all of that went over their heads i said omg! too much dogma out there...

Yep, just because a broken neck would be worse doesn't mean somebody with a sprained ankle should just ignore it. I now have to give props to the psychiatrist who laughed, during my first marriage, when I told him it was "maybe a mild case of wife battering." He said that's like a mild case of pregnancy. Either you are, or you aren't.

I do believe anybody can do something abusive in an isolated incident, having a bad day, and it doesn't necessarily make them an abuser. But if it's a pattern, then it's abuse, no matter how mild compared to something else. A healthy person who does an abusive thing will apologize and learn from it, and not do it again. An abuser may very well SAY, "It won't happen again," but it always does.

[ladytiger]

that is so true. my ex therapist has background in abuse and trauma i said you don't need a book to tell you that. she and other people try to use 'oh, the reason why it keeps happening over and over is because they don't know any better. your parents probably don't realize what they are doing is abusive.' really?!? when the abuse keeps happening over and over, nothing is done that just gets dusted under the rug. she said we are not dusting anything under the rug i said i'm not but you and everybody else are! there was more excusing and dusting crap under the rug than actually anything else. instead of being upset with people like my parents and really saying what they truly are, they may "hurt my feelings," i said no it won't lol!

i get tired of hearing that crap of 'the abusers don't know what they are doing or don't realize it's abuse,' yes they do they know exactly what they're doing! that is what my idiot ex therapist tried to use i said give me a break, are you really that gullible yet your background IS in abuse?!? she didn't like it when i questioned her credentials oh well lots of people who say off the wall crap need to have their credentials be checked out!

"he or she wasn't that bad," is a person suppose to let out a sigh and be grateful? ugh, i hate that garbage! i told people 'not that bad huh? am i suppose to be grateful?' you should hear the responses i get and how i get these people in a bind! my ex therapist was in a bind and told her you are not making any sense are you telling me honestly that a victim should be at least grateful? the question got harder for her she said no, but they are still your parents.....' again, watering it down even more didn't even answer the question!

i said to my ex therapist in a way that comparing my issue to someone else's issue saying another person could had it worse than me is also abusing me and discounting what i went through. she got quiet i said you do realize that is abusive right? you don't need a book to tell you that! funny, she tells me my perception is off. nope, my perception is just fine it's her and other people's perceptions that are off living in fantasy land!

Yeah, that therapist is a lemon. I hope you fired her and got a better one.

[ladytiger]

yep. the sessions with her ended 2 months ago because there wasn't anything else to teach me as everything right now is up to me we did spend a great deal on my parents and i. however, i am just done talking about my parents it does nothing but causes horrible verbal fights as it puts me in a violent mood. i said it's old history whereas ex therapist said it's not old history i told all the **** that my parents said/did, has anything changed at all? same stupid fighting about the other woman, how my mom won't let a hoe take her money etc same crap my siblings heard growing up - has it all changed now? no, then it is old history simple as that!