How do you put your abuse behind you?

How Do You Put Your Abuse Behind You

I have no self-esteem, no sense of self, no happiness and just downright major hatred towards myself, all b/c of my abuse throughout my life. My abuser was my "father" - such an important role in a child's life.......so, I have learned to hate myself, as a result. Because, of course, when you are a child & imo, even an impressionable adolescent, your parents are your world. When he hurt me, I felt the whole world hated me. This is how my depression began, over 24 years ago.

I still believe I am nothing, completely worthless & hopeless. I hate myself. I can't put the abuse, the harsh words & things he said & did to me behind me.....and it's killing me........

How do you do this? Anyone?

p.s.: Please, I hope you don't reply w/ forgiveness.........although that may work for some, there is no way I am there.......I don't think I'll ever be.

Thanks for listening.

d

hi dessy, so sorry, i'm crying here.because i feel like you and i know your pain. just wish i could actually meet you in person, and others who have been abused, i never spoke to other people in our situation before, and i'm so glad i joined here. i feel worthless too, no self esteem, no self respect,but perhaps we could do this together, i'm holding your hand all the way. please believe you are worth something, we are worth something, let's just say it together every day, every hour, every minute til we believe it ourselves. we have to start somewhere don't we? may be better together, or even with others in here, we were made to feel like this by people we trusted and loved, it's hard, but people we trust and love now are telling us we're somebody, let's not let our baggage get too heavy, we can move forward quicker if we ditch it, bit by bit,day by day.
love you, never met, doesn't matter, we share a similarity, we will do this together.

jinnyann

I'm so sorry to make you cry, Jinny....didn't mean to........thank you for your kind & supportive post......

I saw you were in Support Chat & I've been trying for the life of me to get in there, but I'm having puter probs........damn confuser.........just PM'd you, btw.......hang in........I'll keep trying to get into the SC room, k?

Love you too. (((((((((((((((((((Jin)))))))))))))))))))))))
Desy

don't apologise dessy for making me cry, it's good to cry. cleanses the soul or so i believe

(((((((((((dessy)))))

kerry xxx

Actually, Kerry, you're right. Crying is good. Toxins are also purged via crying.

I hope you had a good release & feel better.

Desy

I'm just aching inside because I am here too........

I don't have any answers for you or even suggestions des, I wish i did. Why could it be that this kind of cruelty and suffering exists? i feel we were so wronged and I just don't get that......i don't get that.......how, when there are so many incredible attributes the human mind and body has, can we still be ravaged by our abuse.....

I am so mad and so shredded by it all.....and it's so many of us....I am so mad....

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desperado said:
.......so, I have learned to hate myself, as a result.


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IMO, part of the answer is in your comment - You LEARNED how to hate yourself. If you learned how to do that, you CAN learn how to love yourself and regain your self esteem.

I am not saying that learning how to love yourself is easy. You will have to put a lot of work into the process. But, you did not learn over night how to hate yourself, so don't expect to learn overnight how to love yourself.

Someone once taught me a way to start thinking of myself as a person who deserved my own love and appreciation. It may sound ridiculous, and indeed it felt that way when I first started doing it. Every time you walk into the bathroom and see your reflection in the mirror, you stop and look at it, smile at it, and say to your reflection "I am a good person. I do deserve my love. I love you." Scream it at the top of your lungs if you have to. But, I kid you not...when done every single day, a couple of times a day, it really helps.

I will always be grateful to my friend for suggesting this process to me. It has helped me feel comfortable with myself, and my self esteem has grown by leaps and bounds.

What really helped me by using this method was that I found I was putting my energies into me, and not giving it to the ones who wounded me. They don't deserve that energy. And that was when I was able to hand back to them their ownership of abuse. It was no longer mine, I owned myself, they no longer owned me.

Please know that you ARE deserving of your love. I pray you find some relief soon. I wish you all the best!

Hugssss
Jean

I wish I had words of comfort,,,, the only thing I can offer is that my feelings are very much like yours... the only thing that has truly helped me is posts like yours... for me the absolute isolation has been the worse...

I wish I could even look in a mirror... I've shredded every picture that was ever taken of me... I can remember arguing with my Mom about getting senior pictures... I didn't want them taken because I felt that all the uglness that was on the inside of me would show on the outside in the picture. I know that doesn't sound logical but I really thought that would happen. That was 30 years ago..

I cry with you... perhaps if we cry enough - all the ugly stuff inside will be washed away...

(((hugs))) freewill

(((((((((((Talulah)))))))))))))

I don't have a clue either.....why does this suffering exist, I have no idea. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say............well, guess what..........I'm not getting any stronger.

There is too much pain in this world. Way too much. I don't get it.

Take care of yourself, Tal.

Desy

(((((( every survivor here ))))))

It's so difficult to have to grow up with a history of abuse to carry like a lead weight on our bodies, minds and spirits.

I so often asked myself the same thing...how do I put this BEHIND ME???!!!

I've come through much healing and I haven't put it behind me. I never will.

I guess I've learned to take it in as part of me knowing that I'll never be able to put it behind me. I had to accept it because it seeped into EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life, thought, action, word, wish, relationship, everything.

Because of that, there was no putting it behind me.

I had to know how much it affected me...that was so hard to look at and know.

I think I've accepted it and am working on managing that acceptance.

I'm so sorry that we're here discussing this, because it means we've been hurt beyond the imaginable for many. It might be a part of who I am, but it does NOT define who I am.

The abuse is but one color that drapes through the painting of my life...weaving in and out throughout. Though it's there and a bold, almost screaming color, it's but one color that exists there. It takes many colors to create a beautiful life painting. It's how I apply and use all colors that creates a masterpiece? I hope because I'm counting on it.

Much love and respect,

KD

IMO - We just have to move on..... in order to have a fairly normal life, as possible to normal as any one can wish for after being sexually abused. We must NOT let the abuser win - they may have took our innocence, but we will NOT let them have our entire LIFE.

. ...................................................................... WE WILL CARRY ON!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I agree. I think that every day we have, we're moving on.

I don't know that it's the same as putting it behind me though.

I move on. I've always moved on. I'm made to do that. However, for 41 years, I moved on crippled by the past.

KD

I attended a concert at Carnegie Hall back in the late `60's and the group sang the song, "We Shall Overcome". The entire audience stood up and we all shared in the singing of it. That song was so uplifting and spirit strenthening for me. Till this day, the words come back to me time and time again in times of need, and they still have the power to help me keep believing and hoping.

Thank you for sharing that, Calm.

It reminds me as well. I lived in Washington D.C. for a few years as a young child, around 1970. We used to stand in a circle and sing that song.

I didn't really understand the meaning at only 7 years old, but I remember a peace felt, and the smiling faces. That song holds a special place in my heart just because of the emotion that I felt as that little child.

Thanks for bringing back a good memory for me.

KD

desperato, like sabau2 commented on, you said, "so, I have learned to hate myself, as a result" and something that has helped me with my stepmother's abuse is to think of it like a learning "exercise" -- you learned to hate yourself "well" so you should be able to learn to love yourself well? Thinking of it as a teaching/learning problem rather than a personal failing helped me. I looked for things I liked, real life examples I wanted to be like and then studied the people/examples. I had a good friend, for example, who was a coworker and we were in the same office so I would "overhear" her conversations with her elderly mother (and had met/knew her mother, etc.) and loved how my friend listened and responded to her mother even when, to my thinking, her mother was being "difficult." My friend was very patient and not confrontational (which my stepmother and I both were :-) and I wanted to be like my friend so I tried to hold her "image" in my head when I talked to my stepmother or other people I was use to responding to as if they were my stepmother. When I got on a negative jag it was easier for me to remember Debbie and feel like I had a "friend" helping me through her example. I "studied" Debbie (to keep with the learning motif).

I would recommend you find someone whose attitude toward themselves you admire and work on being "like" them. I believe the direction you "look"/what you focus on is what you become. If you look toward how poorly your father treated you, you can't easily get past that but if you look toward someone you'd like to be like/copy/learn from, then you will learn from them.

((((((((((((( desperado )))))))))))))))

You express very well how many of us survivors feel.

I have to put the blame fairly and squarely on the right person- the abuser. A child can never be to blame.

Thinking of you.

desperado,

I know how you feel. I have been there and still am so often. I gave up trying to put the abuse behind me. The experience and its aftermath, everything that it taught me about myself, everything it taught me about others -- it's all still there, it's part of me, and it always will be. But in my recovery process, I have learned more about the world than I learned when I was abused. I learned as a child that there were two people determined to destroy me, to make me cry, to use my body, to humiliate me, to hit me, to threaten me, to crush me any way they could. It was inhuman. I learned from those experiences that I couldn't trust others, I couldn't trust my own judgment about others, and I learned above all to be afraid -- of everything.

I have learned in recovery that for those two evil people, there are two thousand who want to help put me back together, to restore my life as best possible. It took me a long time to see those two thousand people trying to balance the evil of just two, and it's taking even longer to really trust those two thousand. But today I have a power I did not have as a child. Today I can make little decisions each day that move me beyond what I have experienced and learned. Today I can make a decision to do something good for myself. It can be as simple as eating when I don't feel worthy. It can be forcing myself to smile when I don't feel I have a reason to smile -- the effort usually turns the fake smile to a real one. I can choose to laugh out loud when something is funny, rather than hiding joy for fear that it will end. I can sing in my car, and keep singing even at traffic lights. I can admit to my fears and share them with others, and decide if their response is safe and trustworthy before going back a second time. With these little things, I can even begin to believe in myself again, as I did before the abuse began. I am taking that back, one day at a time. While I may not put the abuse behind me this way, I can still move forward to a better life. I will probably always mourn what I have lost, but, in the words of a dear friend, "undefeated" I will "rejoice in my tears."

You deserved so much better than you got. You deserve better today. You can survive and thrive. It is a hard process, but you are worth it. You can build hope for yourself one little decision at a time. We are not lost causes, you and I, and we are not alone. There are at least 2000 people who want to see us smile, and mean it.

be well,

mtd

Wish I could do that, Rhapsody. Thank you for your post.

Wow, Kimmydawn.......really fantastic way to articulate it.

Thanks.

Take care.

des

Thanks, Calm.........I will have to download it & crank it. Who sings it?

des

Perna, thank you.

That is really good advice.

But -- I'm not there yet. I have to work through my anger first.......then I can try to emulate someone I admire......try my best.

I'm just in a bad state of anger & depression......vascilates...........unstable.....gotta plug through.

Take care,

des

Pegasus,

Thank you for your sweet post.....you made my night.

I never feel smart, but you made me feel better w/ what you said - thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lotsa love. (((((((((Peg))))))))

des

Awwwwwww, mtd.........what a fantastic post........thank you very much.

Very insightful. You are a very strong person.

I hope you are right about the 2000 people -- for now, I will have to take your word for it.

((((((((((((mtd))))))))))))))

des

(((hugs)))) to all here.

Hi Desperado,
You will never hear forgiveness from me... I hate all of them. What they did to a innocent little girl was horrible. My abuse started over 50 years ago. They are now getting older, and dying off. I rejoice in their deaths... That might sound horrible but it is the truth. Those miserable souls are going.... but it still does not take away the hurt, pain and the total disregard they have done to me. I don't know how to get over it. I am waiting for that day. Peace to you!

Hi desperado,

I don't know who originally wrote the song or who sang it. It's been sung by many different groups and people. For the life of me, I can't recall what group it was that was singing that evening. I have a trouble remembering names of groups, singers, and actors. Except for the Rolling Stones, I always remember them and their songs.

Calm