[UmightKnowMe]

I have a handful of people that know about my history and most of them are professionals. I suppose it is that SHAME about it all that makes me treat it like it must be kept to myself at all costs. My T and I were talking about medical appts. and my anxiety about that and how helpful it would be to the Dr to KNOW about my history and that they are caring people and dont want to use that information to harm me but to help me. I am still not convinced. I told him 'It is such a HUGE secret though' and he replied that it does not need to be.

Thoughts?

sorry you went through this umkm.

for years i kept quiet. then i told my husband some. then i went through therapy and told them some. came on here and told people some, not everything. about to see proper pdoc for first time. i used to be ashamed too. but i know non of it was my fault, same with you. it was not your fault. you havenothing to be ashamed about. its the abusers that should be ashamed, please talk, it helps so much, pm me anytime if you like, i will listen. the only way to heal is by talking

good luck to you, i hope you find peace and help here with people who care

jinnyann xxxx

[Rhapsody]

I have one person that knows it all, and another person that knows most of it - and while there are many that know about it in a general since they really have no ideal what I went through, suffered thru.

[Talulah]

My t knows most (with some details), my girlfriend knows some (no details).............My ex some (very little)............ppl at PC (some, no details)

That's about it, and that's how it probably gonna stay.

[southernyankee]

How 'secret' do I keep my abuse history. Well, the secrets where kept so secret that up until I was in my 40's I didn't know the secrets. Yes, repressed memories are real. DID or MPD, I call them my other selves. We are a pretty cooperative group now, it took a few years to get here. My boyfriend knows and one of my friends knows part of it. A lot of people know I'm depressed. I told family about starting to remember abuse and boy did they turn on me.. It was drilled into my head from a young child that there were certain things you just did not talk about. It's gotten easier to talk about the abuse with people I'm comfortable with, but avoid talking about the DID. Since my boyfriend has had experence with my DID he knows just about everything.

[UmightKnowMe]

My T says that the more I get comfortable with sharing what has been such a huge secret with the appropriate caring people (professionals at this point) that it will start to lose its huge power that is has over me. Does this make sense?

[WinterRose]

Yes, I think so. I had one incident in my life of abuse. Once was enough. I tried to say something once after it happened but it was brushed off so I didn't say anything for a long time because I felt bad and blamed myself and didn't know what to think of it, etc. Then slowly I started telling people many years later - just that I had been abused no details - and it lost some of it's power. For the first time I wrote out the incident in more detail and shared it with my therapist and psychiatrist this past year and that made me feel more powerful and less like a victim. I'm not sure I could actually say out loud in detail what happened, but I am much stronger now and I don't feel like the abuse controls me or holds so much influence in my life.

I don't see myself going into detail with anyone other than the t and pdoc in the future and I've past the point now where I feel compelled to tell.

[mick07]

How secret? Noone knows. Ican't talk about it -at times I want to but the words won't come out . I freak out even thinking about talking about it. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel this way but I do.
I admire people that have the courage to speak about it. I know that it's helpful. I haven't been able to do it though. More power to anyone who can.

[mtd]

Yes, to me, keeping secret what was done to me has been partly about keeping the undeserved shame to myself. But telling others doesn't take the shame away. Recovery for me has been about disowning the shame myself in my heart. Public and even private disclosures need to be done carefully and only when you are ready, and I think they should be made when there is a good reason to disclose. Please don't rush this. You don't deserve the shame, but a disclosure in public or private too soon can be very devastating. I rushed it once and couldn't function for days. In fact, I cried pretty much constantly for the first two days. Safe disclosures require that you have healed enough to accept any and all reactions that people might have. It is also just as important to have built some trust in whoever you tell. I once blurted out my past to someone I knew, but didn't really trust. At that moment, I really just needed someone to talk to and he happened to be there. But it was a mistake and whenever I see him now, I still feel it was a mistake. He simply doesn't use the information nicely -- he tries to make jokes about it and it just isn't funny. It only hurts. Please be careful with this one.

Hope this helps.

mtd

[southernyankee]

Umm - Mick07. Have you tried writing things down? Writing in a secret journal?
Journals and I guess you would call it doodling with markers or paint helped me to express what I couldn't say.
I had trouble posting on this site at first.
At lest you know your not alone.

[Benjamin]

If you tell too many people, it could wind up defining who you are. Do you want to known as the person who was abused as a child, or the person who is bright, interesting, and a good person? I know it's tough and you want people to understand what you went through, but I'd be real careful as to who I told. People may feel sorry for you, but along with pity comes a lack of respect. Other people may just not want to hear about it. You may get a comment like, "we all think we were abused by our parents."

[Talulah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mtd said:
Yes, to me, keeping secret what was done to me has been partly about keeping the undeserved shame to myself. But telling others doesn't take the shame away. Recovery for me has been about disowning the shame myself in my heart. Public and even private disclosures need to be done carefully and only when you are ready, and I think they should be made when there is a good reason to disclose. Please don't rush this. You don't deserve the shame, but a disclosure in public or private too soon can be very devastating. I rushed it once and couldn't function for days. In fact, I cried pretty much constantly for the first two days. Safe disclosures require that you have healed enough to accept any and all reactions that people might have. It is also just as important to have built some trust in whoever you tell. I once blurted out my past to someone I knew, but didn't really trust. At that moment, I really just needed someone to talk to and he happened to be there. But it was a mistake and whenever I see him now, I still feel it was a mistake. He simply doesn't use the information nicely -- he tries to make jokes about it and it just isn't funny. It only hurts. Please be careful with this one.

Hope this helps.

mtd

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I hope to one day disown the shame in myheart too....THAT is my biggest obsatcle often...

[UmightKnowMe]

Yes! a lot of what you guys are saying makes sense. About the shame inside me...and me not wanting to tell because I worry that others will think I am disgusting and nasty and that I have a reason to be ashamed of myself. I also agree about not rushing it. I just got hit with a big flashback thing a month or so ago and still feel off balance from it, I know I am not ready to put myself out there right now. And Benjamin the stuff you mentioned is exactly what I don't want to happen...I don't want people to see me and think to themselves 'oh here comes ____ she's the one that had XYZ happen to them' or whatever. And I already worry that being 'not OK' or 'screwed up' is part of who I am and that it is a big stumbling block to my making changes and getting better..I dont need anything else holding me back. So much to figure out...

[sunrise]

I've told my T quite a bit, but still not all. I never was really able to tell a former counselor any of the story. She was very much "here and now" and I didn't feel she welcomed information from my past. I also tried to tell my husband a bit and piece here and there early in our marriage, but he was very much rejecting of this information and didn't want to hear, and in fact said things that made me feel it was all my fault. So I learned quickly not to push this information about myself on him. It has been really helpful to deal with this with my T. I still have more work to do and am not sure I would ever really tell other people.

[Talulah]

Last night, I kinda disclosed some to my partner......went very badly. She literally said "I don't want to go down that dark path with you". Hurt very badly and I feel incredibly alone and rejected......and now much more shameful. So please, yes, be wary as you never know how people feel about this and where they're coming from. Blew my socks right off as I was not expecting that and we are not on speaking terms right now.

Best be left with someone trained in how to help you overcome this.....the rest will happen and you'll be more ready to deal with the outcome.

[Perna]

I get it "out of the way" with my doctors right away as sometimes it makes me act weird and I want to be able to say, "courtesy of my lovely stepmother" or some other shorthand that they'll understand immediately. I can't urinate on demand, for example, or empty my bladder and "organizing" that so everyone understands and I don't have to feel guilty or at "fault" or asked to "just try" and idiot things like that helps.

[biiv]

but i just wanted to say Talulah how sorry i am you got that reaction from your partner. maybe she got scared? that was a huge thing you did telling her. at least give yourself credit for that. and give your partner some time if you can. it was not a fair reaction, very hurtful, but maybe she will try to understand if she has some time. if not please keep reminding yourself this is about her and her reaction. not about you. you are not shameful and have no reason to be ashamed. you have no blame in what happened to you.
be gentle with yourself.
biiv

[Benjamin]

As an adult, you need some closure for the things that happened to you as a child. Ideally, it would involve talking to your parents and making them understand how they hurt you. Maybe they were under a lot of stress at the time and didn't realize what they were doing to you. Or maybe they're just evil, nasty people, in which case the best thing to do is shut them out of your life. Either way, you need to get some closure for that part of your life and only then can you start to recover.

The next step is rebuilding your self-esteem. Abuse makes you feel like you have little value as a human being. It makes you feel as if you're not worthy of anyone's love. To get over feeling that way about yourself takes a lot of time, effort, and persistence, but it can be done.

[Smilie]

Yes that makes sense.

Smilie

[Smilie]

Talk about putting salt in the wound. Abuse is not a joke.He must have issues himself. Hurting people hurt people and what pain he keeps causing again by digging in the wound. I sorry and hugs.

Smilie

[Paladin]

I have experiences of a lifetime on this subject but I've had enough emotion today to last for a long time. But I would like to offer a resource that is very near and dear to me. I have kept this original article for twenty two years.

It was as if it came through my lips, as it mirrors how I've felt many, many times and is very pertinent to this thread.

It helped prepare and empower me to face difficult times with family dynamics, parole hearings, secondary trauma, college speeches, candle light vigils....just many times when I was alone in how I felt and needed to gather inner strength, this article was my source for that. If it can help anyone else , I'm glad to share what helped me for many years.

http://members.tripod.com/~jillheather/remains.htm

[lostson]

I’ve told about 50 people my story. I got mixed results mostly good though, but I find that secrets are like a cancer, inside me they eat me alive on the outside they can’t do that. As I tell my story I get more comfortable with it and the secrets hold less and less power over me. I started with my therapist then my wife then my various groups and now some people on this site. I do agree with Nelleus57 writing it all out was very helpful for me even before I told anyone. I just wrote everything that happened to me regardless of how insignificant it seemed. It took about 2 months and it was very hard, some days I wrote pages some times I wrote a sentence but slowly I got it all out. I kind of pictured it like my insides were covered in gunk and with each line I wrote I took one more handful out.

Good thread

[SeptemberMorn]

I've never kept it secret, except from those who didn't want to hear it. After all, it was THEIR grandmother, too. It was THEIR uncle... or their father.

[Talulah]

((((((((((((((((((((thanks biiv)))))))))))))))))))))
I needed that.....i really needed that.......

Sorry off topic, but i needed to hear that. okay....back on....

[nicole84]

Well it depends, close friends know alot and i've told previous partners most things, until I was abused by one of them and he tried to use my history against me. Now i'm alot more wary of who I tell. I trust my current partner and he knows alot but not everything.