Day one: Getting out of a emotionally abusive relationship-Do I belong here?

Hi everyone,
I don't know if this is the right place to be posting..? Can you tell that my faith in my judgement is at an all-time low?
I am two and a half years out of a six year marriage, we tried to have a baby and after multiple miscarriages and grief, our relationship collapsed. I met a guy online, after many dud's, who seemed "perfect"..Bright, handsome, articulate.We had so much fun and so much in common. He treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Anyway, his exhuberent closeness gave way to other things as we spent more time together. I noticed that he resented my time with my friends, wanted to know where I was day and night, and if he couldn't get me on the phone, he'd have a fit. And then there would be some distancing. Then he started accusing me of "keeping secrets" and of" seeing other men" He's ask me to swear that he was the only one, which was shocking to me. I had never experienced this before and I tried to reassure him. He's also say," I find you very secretive and something is wrong here, I can just feel it." He became obsessed with pleasing me sexually and if I didn't have an orgasm he'd be disappointed (in me!) "Why can't I please you?!" I'd say, "well you're putting too much emphasis on this, you need to let me relax a bit" He started breaking up with me or threatening to, every two-three weeks. I couldn't predict these mood changes and I tried very hard to figure out what was going on. He'd say, "you're too complicated" "I've never had this in my previous relationships" "I don't trust you" All the time I'd be defending myself but I was losing confidence. No one has ever made me feel so great and then rip the rug out from under me, at a moments notice. I broke off with him twice and he begged me to take him back but it would start again, very soon after we got back together. The breaking point for me came yesterday, we were to have lunch together and I was a bit late coming home. In the mean time, he went through my mail, found a letter from a cancelled follow-up appt. with a doctor that I saw after my miscarriages and marriage collapse. I was part of a study, and I have a follow-up with this doctor that I haven't been to yet. He didn't tell me that he's gone through my mail, he just started grilling me and asking me if i was seeing a therapist, if I had anything to share with him, he was like a sargent..I told him about the programme that I had been in etc. and then he pulled out the letter which he had opened..I was so disturbed that he had opened my mail. Anyway, I wrote to him later and said that I couldn't live like this, he had to deal with his issues and I cancelled our dinner. He called and screamed at me on the phone, never apologizing for reading my mail, and said, "You're too difficult" "I didn't do anything wrong" "I can't trust you" "I made a nice dinner for you but you don't care" "I never want to speak to you again"..He's said that before...I feel so very ****** and low about myself even though I know there is something wrong with him. But why do I feel abandoned and like I have done something wrong? I know that I have to stay away from him but "WHY"? do I feel so ****** about my self??!!
Can someone please explain?
Thanks for listening.

Nuala, I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. You feel bad because you are still locked in the abusive relationship with him, even though you are "2 1/2 years out of a 6 year marriage." There are a couple of books I read on verbal and emotional abuse that were very good. I highly recommend them. They really helped me understand more my husband's patterns and motivations for treating me the way he did/does (I have been married for 20 years and have started divorce proceedings).

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. This book was instrumental in helping me realize that what I was experiencing was abuse. It's still hard for me to say that word....

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-physical Abuse of Women by their Men Really thoughtful book--hit home for me.

Nuala, good luck. Have you considered therapy with a counselor experienced in working with clients who have experienced abuse?

Thank you for your response! i feel so isolated. I will look for the books that you mentioned. Perhaps my post was confusing, the relationship that I'm struggling with is not the one with my former husband but a new one (eight months) Anyway, it really helped to know that someone out there was listening and took the time to respond. I wish you well on your journey. I'll look for your posts..
Best,
Nuala

hello Nuala, I think that the reason you feel ****** has to do with him playing the abandonment card on you and even though you know you're not the messed up one here there was a time when perhaps you were...could there be some unresolved issues related to that? of course I'm taking shots in the dark but feelings seldom happen in a "vacume" or without some real basis. If the source does'nt seem to be "current" then it could be from the past.

Hi nuuala:
I just read your post. This is the SECOND marriage that's gone into the abuse mode? Oh I'm afraid that you might be picking the wrong men in your life. Are you aware that you might be picking out abusive men subconsciously? My mom used to do that too. I guess she
never thought she deserved real love, or even if she knew what it was???? she would inevidibly pick out the abuser.
She told me once she thought that's all she could get. I use
to think.........hogwash!!! It's the abuse she likes for some reason. I never figured it out. Pls. be careful not to stay in this one either if that's all he has to offer you. It doesn't get better. I know. I lived that with my own mother for years. She never left him either. He finally died. Oh darn!!!

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. You are so right about the abandonment card. My dad left us when i was 12, so maybe that's part of it. But the miscarriages and the disolving of my former marriage left me feeling in pain and lonely. Plus this guy was so great in so many ways, that I looked the other way when I first saw signs of strange behaviour. I thought that if i was god and kind and trustworthy that he would stop it. If anything, he's getting worse. But it isn't anything I've done..I know that it my gut. It's still very painful though and i have to make sure that i don't go back, at any cost!
Thank you again for your upport.
Nuala

He was great to you at first and all enveloping when you needed him most and were very vulnerable and lonely. He made you feel special and safe and kept you company all the time. He was always right there for you at first. I am sure that he emcompassed your every waking moment and filled your voids in your days and nights and it was 'just what your heart ordered' after your life of abondonment and loss and grief with your previous marriage and miscarriages.

You feel abandoned now because he was such a HUGE part of your life at a time when you were so low that you really are grieving like someone has died. Like someone has ripped the carpet from under you. It will get easier as the days go by.

But I must stress to you that his patterns DO NOT get better and he will not change on his own. He needs to hit rock bottom and will not do so while you are constantly taking him back. If you continue to take him back, you enabling him to be an abuser. The best way for you to take of you and him is to move on with your life. If you need to, get a restraining order. Abusive patterns can move from mental to physical in a heartbeat, and you never know when he will change.
My ex used to act like peaches and cream to get me to allow him back into my house just so he could gain access to me beat me up. The first time he beat me up, I was in a wheelchair for a week and he told me that if I told anyone that it was anything other than a sporting injury, he would kill my family and dog. I was only 16 and believed him. Of course, he was completely capable of this and I told that to the docs and nurses and they did not believe me. I lied to everyone...and they knew it. It left me feeling ashamed. He had my self-esteem beaten down so low I never once thought for myself for 3 years.

I am playing for you hun.

Blondie