unexplained feelings

im new to the site so hi everyone.

first off, my boyfriend, luckily, has a degree in ciminology and is an expert in the study of battered womens syndrome and explained it all to me. my ex boyfriend is an alcoholic and used to hit me. well not just hit me, spit in my face, call me names, shove me into the fridge, throw my stuff outside and break my things etc...

also, there have been a few times with a few different guys where I have said no and they persisted. once when I was 14 but I didnt think it was rape because it was digital, not with his penis. Then again when i was 16 and that I knew was rape and left him the next day.

it seems like even now that its been years since all that (im 20 now) sometimes i just get this overwhelming fear of my boyfriend and just burst out in tears in the middle of sex for, what seems like, no reason. he is super understanding and never gets mad at me for any of it. but i just cant figure out why I cant get over this fear of men. it used to be that he couldnt even hug me. if he ever grabs my wrist just joking around it scares the hell out of me. He can never be above me or on top of me because it scares me. We have been together for almost 2 years and Im really sick of being so scared. Its not just with him. If im walking the dog at night I feel like there is also someone around me. I have nightmares that my ex boyfriend is beating me and trying to kill me. I never pressed charges because I was 17 and didn't fully understand what was going on. I went to the cops once and tried to get a restraining order but they blew it off as stupid teenage drama.

In fact, the other day he got my phone number from a friend and started calling me again at 2 am - after over 2 years!!

I didnt know if anyone had been through this before and had some suggestions.

i know what you are feeling in a way only mine wasn't with a boyfriend. i was m*lested and r*ped by a friends stepdad. and after nearly 10 years just decided to press charges at the time of the abuse i was between 5 and 10. he just within the past three months started coming into my place of employment and bothering me and that is what made me decide to press charges finally. becuase i've worked there for now almost a year and a half and all of a sudden he starts shopping there and only bothering me. so i understand. and welcome to the site. i understand a lot of what you have went through, but from different aspects as mine wasn't from a boyfriend. i know the being scared of men and feelings of someone being there when no one is there. i hope that you begin to feel safe here.

i was so tempted to press charges. i have changed my number 4 times now and somehow he always gets it. im 400 miles away and he still calls me! But i didnt think i could do anything about something that happened over 2 years ago. I did have witnesses that saw him push me, saw my bruises and had me show up at their door at 2 am bawling my eyes out. do you think i could do something with that? hes 30 now (i know i was stupid 17 with a 27 year old) and he has 2 kids by 2 different women. he has already been to jail for 2 DUIs so I think they would take me seriously considering his past record. I just didnt think I could do anything without any bruises. I think that might bring some closure though. thanks.

You can't just "get over" trauma like a rape or physical abuse. That's what the nightmares are showing you, they're trying to help you.

Your boyfriend grabbing your wrist playing around reminded me of when my husband smacked me on the wrist when I was doing something dangerous (trying to turn on an appliance at the same time he was plugging it in -- he's an electrical engineer :-) to knock my hand away. My stepmother use to beat me so I was instantly filled with rage and only had enough control to ask him why he had smacked me. Fortunately I'm very "truthful" so with his explanation I realized I was the one at fault and he was not trying to hurt me or being capricious but trying to protect me. I was still angry by default (thanks to my stepmother's negative "training") but apologized instead of responding angrily to him.

What you "expect" from men is what you have experienced through your life. You cannot have learned in 2 years what 18 other years taught you differently. I would maybe get some counselling if you don't already.

salukigirl, i totally understand what you're going through. i had the same problem when i first hooked up with my hubby. sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend. does he know about your ex calling you again? he would be very helpful in getting a restraining order, i think. don't be afraid to try again with the restraining order. i know it's hard when the cops dismissed you as teenage drama. so sorry that had to happen, as it was wrong.

i understand how you feel tired of having these issues. it takes time. therapy can be very helpful with this. with or without therapy, it takes time. it's great that your boyfriend understands. it took my hubby and me a few years, but we got to the point where we trust each other and all that. there will be some things you just never get over. those things can be manageable. i wish you the best.