[Storm24]

I am new here - I hope you guys dont mind if I "talk" a bit. Am going through a pretty difficult time at the moment, trying to deal with the past but I dont know if I have the strength. I feel so utterly pathetic - I dont even know whether what happened to me was abuse. My grandparents certainly refused to believe what happened with their "friend" - "we must have imagined it". All I can remember is being pushed about - physical aggresion, being followed to the bathroom - being tricked into the bedroom and being forced onto the bed and kissed by this man. Uggh makes me feel sick. I dont know if that is all that happened - have tried talking to my mum about it but the subject just isnt discussed. I blocked it out for so long, but started getting flashbacks with my first sexual partner - which resulted in panic attacks and agoraphobia. Since then Ive blocked it out again by using binging/purging (Im bulimic). Im in recovery at the moment and working through issues in therapy. Started getting flashbacks, binging getting worse, cut myself, started drinking and feel disconnected and emotionally numb. Im so scared and so confused - surely I woulid remember if anything else happened?? I cant get this off my mind - I feel like I am going insane, just dont know what to do.

Sorry xx

[SweetCrusader]

((((hugs)))) <--- only if ok with you.

it's definitely abuse. i'm so sorry you went through that! i don't have any "sagely advice" or wisdom for you. i just want you to know that i read your post, i feel for you, and i hope you get things worked out. i know it's a long road to walk dealing with these issues, but it is worth it. also, i'm sorry your family is so invalidating and harsh that makes it much harder, i know.

take care, and welcome to psychcentral!

angela (sc)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[gloria]

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. Please know you are not alone, many don't have all the pieces of their puzzle either.
Please know this is a forum full of people that care and share the feelings with you.
We are ready to listen and help as best as we can. Welcome.

gab

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Welcome storm.

You can't force yourself to remember, they will come but when they are ready to come out , when you are able to deal with this. I know it's frustrating and scary, been there and some stuff I don't remember either.

Flashbacks believe it or not is a part of recovery, we get them because we are ready to deal etc. Also it's part of the trauma or from recovery a memory.

What I suggest is to get yourself some help to start to deal with this. IT's something no one can do on their own. You can try and push it away and forget it and it might work for awhile, but it will always come back until it's dealt with.

I know someone that pushed the abuse back 20 years, thought she was free then it came up and knocked her flat on her behind.

So getting help early will help you in the long run. I waited too long to deal with my abuse stuff because I thought it would go away, that it was dissapear but it didn't it followed me everywhere. I was plauged with that and PTSD for 8 yrs .. even though I wasn't diagnosed that long ago.

I just JUST came over a major point in my recovery where the flashback have pretty much disappeared and so have the nightmares. The only dregs of this is body memory and some triggers, but I can handle it now 4 months ago I couldn't.

I've been in therapy for 8 yrs and i'm still seeing this psychiatrist, and I don't know where i'd be now if it wasn't for her.

Just let the memories come, again it's hard to do but you can't force them out, they will come when they are ready and when you can handle them otherwise they are staying put. Also again the more you try to remember it the further back you are pushing it.

Time does heal....with the proper help and guidence.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[shakes]

Please do not apologize for talking. I consider it to be an honor when people are willing to talk about something so personal. Are you seeing a therapist? If not it might be a good idea to help you sort through stuff that is going on.
Please do not let people tell you that it was your imagination!! That is the most painful way to discredit something that can hurt so badly.

We are here for you.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>
~Seether and Amy Lee

[Storm24]

Thankyou so much for the replies - it means so much for people to understand and to listen. I am seeing a therapist who I can talk to freely about various issues but as soon as even the word "abuse" comes up, I space out and disconnect myself. Ive spent so much time in therapy staring into space and not talking that it is ridiculous.
What I dont understand is that what happened (about 14 years ago) doesnt seem to have affected my sisters, and whenever the subject is mentioned they play it down and say that it was nothing etc. I feel pathetic for letting it affect me in the way that it did.
I went to the library the other day and found a book on traumatic stress which I am reading through - it is helping me to understand flashbacks etc and there are various exercises which I might try to work through. At the moment I just feel lost (if that makes sense) - my bulimia has got worse, have been self injuring and am tempted to turn to alcohol. I know I need to work through this but I sometimes wonder if I have the strength.

Sorry for moaning (again) and thanks for listening, well, reading!

Stormy xx

[(JD)]

Welcome Storm... just stopped in to say so! I'm sorry you are feeling this way...

Have you discussed your spacing out with your T? If he/she doesn't realize it, they need to know... and then you can discuss whether you want them to help you stay grounded in T, or allow you to take the "break " during the talk session. Just a thought.

<font color=green> ...slip sliding away... slip sliding away....

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Storm,

What helps me deal with my past abuse and assaults I write them down on paper and bring them in. I can't really bring it out myself to talk about it but if I have it on paper it helps and then my psychiatrist will get the ball rolling, have you tired that?

It will affect everyone different it doesn't matter how long it's been affecting you, whether you are able to deal with it on your own. For me it affected me for 8 years and still does from time to time. I'm 24 and have been dealing with this since I was 16 years old. I know what you are going through. Everyone deals with things differently.

I have some good books on PTSD if you are interested I can give you the titles and authors, if you want.

AND YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. Never think that way, even though it's hard to do, you definatly are not that though.

Just keep trying to talk about it to your therapist, the more you talk the easier it gets. I'm not longer plauged with PTSD.. I was 4 months ago and recently have been freed from the past. It takes time and paitents, alot of downs but there will be ups as well.

Take care of you , talk, learn to cope, reading will help that .. like it did me .. the books I read and still reading are called Trauma & Recovery, and The body remembers. Great GREAT books.


<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[itsjustme111]

((storm)); welcome to this forum. We are glad to have you here. You have been through so much, it will take time to deal with this. I am so sorry to hear what is going on in your life. We are here to listen and support in anyway we know how. Keep up the posting, I think you will find it helpful. Take care and hang in there.

justme

[Storm24]

Hi Sundance.....
Thankyou for your reply - it was really helpful. I am also 24 and the stuff (hate the word abuse because I dont even know if thats what it was) happened between the ages of about 8-10. I just hate the way that it has left me feeling. I think that I used the binge/purge cycle of bulimia to block out the feelings and, because I am thinking about it a lot, the binging has got worse.

I have been seeing my current therapist for about 7 months and, although I find it fairly easy to talk about the bulimia and other things, I just cant talk about difficult issues. I did write a letter to him (a really long one) but since then have tried to forget about it, and pretend that he never read it. He suggested last time that he read it out loud but never got round to it. Have only just started to cry in therapy - something which I find very difficult to do in front of people.

I think I am just so confused right now - have only recently linked up certain events and the way things have happened to the past (or maybe I am clutching at straws). I dont know - Im just confused and scared. I just wish I could remember everything forget about it. I dont want to keep binging to block it all out because I know that isnt healthy, and I dont want to continue with the self injury because it is very difficult to hide.

Would be interested to hear of the books about PTSD which you mentioned. I got a good one from the library called "Overcoming Traumatic Stress" which is very informative and has various exercises which look like they could be of use (havent tried them yet though).

Thanks again for your reply

Stormy xx

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I know that it's hard to bring up the past in your sessions with your therapist it took me awhile to actually start to talk about it, and just did 3 or 4 years ago and really started to work on it even though i've been suffering all together for 8 yrs. For me the reasons why I didn't bring up the abuse at 16 or the other 8 guys that either assaulted me, threatened me or harrassed me is because I didn't realize that it was wrong. When I started to get body memories all the time, and didn't know that they were actual body memories it scared me. Body memories are flashbacks, that's how i'd get flashbacks still do from time to time. But since I talked about it things did start to get easier.
The key is to talk.

The books that I was reffered to by my psychiatrist is called:

Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment
Author: Babette Rothschild

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence, from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Author: Judith Herman

You can get these at your local bookstore or order them online. I bought one and ordered one... from chapters.ca but i'm also in Canada.

Hope these help. I know it's tough but you'll be able to get where I am right now, it just takes time.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Maya]

I suffered from abuse from the time of my birth until I was 12 - I have very, very few memories of my childhood. That was many years ago. I am 57 now and just started getting flashbacks and memories of what happened to me and entered therapy. My T said the memories may or may not return and it is probably better if they don't - but with his help I am dealing with the issues. At least now I know why I have been depressed and anxious all my life and felt I did not deserve to live. Once you know the why of something you can start work to correct the damage and go on with your life a stronger and wiser person. Good luck in your journey - it is a hard road to travel but worth the trip to be healed of past traumas.

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars

[mandala]

Hi,

Sorry to be so late in responding to this thread.

I don't think you are crazy, I think definitely what you describe was abuse. Period, even if nothing else happened and I think it's possible that more did happen. We tend to block out unpleasant things from our minds and memory.

Sometimes we can get overwhelmed with thoughts and memories when we give up one kind of coping (bulimia for instance) and we don't yet have a new, healthier type of coping to rely on.

If I were you, I'd try to work in therapy on developing grounding and calming skills. I wouldn't try to talk about the incidents... that is destabilizing and right now you need to sloooow everything down.

At many points in therapy, I didn't WANT to slow down, because I felt like I was on a scavenger hunt for memories... and while I was overwhlemed, I felt like at least I was getting "to the root of things". In retrospect, I wish I had slowed down, as the internal chaos impacted badly on my family and social life. But that is a personal decision... I just want to suggest to you that you CAN slow down, if you wish -- my therapist at the time kept encouraging me to keep things unsettled and I felt worse and worse.

Congrats on your recovery from bulimia and your courage in seeking help and committing to counseling!

((((((storm))))))

L