What's wrong with me?

Hi everyone. This is my first time, so I am a little nervous. I guess I just want some feedback from people that have been in the same kind of situation that I have been in.
Wow, this is harder than I thought. Ok, I will just give a little background: I grew up in an abusive home. My father was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive. I kept my distance as much as possible and vowed when I turned 18 to leave. I haven't confronted that situation yet. It is still very much a secret in my family. I never told my mother and my father, being an alcoholic, has chosen to forget that anything happened, he remembers very little. This is another reason I am worried to leave my husband, because I will have to confront my mother with the truth, something I am dreading.
When I was 15 I met my husband. We got serious fast and I dedicated myself to him. I am sure if I was aware of the signs of abuse, I would have had an idea of how my marriage would be, but I didn't see anything. I married as soon as I turned 18 and hoped to leave my life of abuse behind me. One month after we were married, my husband physically abused me for commenting on another man's looks. opf course he vowed never to do it again and of course he did. He became verbally and emotionally abusive in the following months. Honestly, I didn't recognize it. I mean when he was physically abusive I saw a problem but thought I could prevent/fix it. Also I had put levels to physical abuse, thinking it was only abusive when he hit me in the face or choked me. I even considered him a wonderful husband at one point because he had only thrown me by my hair on the street and didn't hit me in the face in a situation that I thought I had deserved to be hit (talking to a male friend on the phone without permission).
I haven't gotten to the point where I want to be. My mind still wanders to fault and shame. I do not want to live this way and am forcing myself to take steps to liberation (hurts so much). I am now 22.
I know that I should leave him. I don't know what stops me. I get so confused because sometimes my husband is nice to me and other times he hates me. The thing that gets me the most is that when we were dating, my husband knew about my father's abuse to me. My husband was often my savior and he vowed to never hurt me that way, but he always has a reason why he does it. To me I just feel so hated. What's wrong with me? I know the response to that: It's not my fault, this is his problem. But I do have a rationalization. In my home, when I was a kid, I was the only one hit. My brother was only once and my mom never was, just me. I just don't understand. What vibe do I send off that makes men hate me that much?
Well thanks for any suggestions. Sorry it is so long.

((((((((((safe hugs)))))))))))) if you want them.

Really, honestly, truly, this is NOT your fault. Sometimes in abusive homes, all of the kids get hurt. Other times, the abusive parent targets one. Either way, it is the adult who is hurting that child that is responsible. There is nothing wrong with the little girl who gets hurt. There is something wrong with the big man who hurts her. It's true. It really is.

Unfortunately it isn't uncommon for survivors of abuse to find a "hero" who later turns out to be an abuser. This still does NOT make you responsible for what has happened. You have never deserved a single hit. Not a single cruel word. You don't deserve it now, and you never have.

Have you ever seen a therapist? I strongly reccomend finding one who works with trauma (abuse & neglect) if you can. Also, read through the posts on this board when you feel up for it. I think you will find you are NOT alone. If you can think about the innocent people on this board who have been hurt, and understand that it is not their fault, maybe that can be a step in understanding that what happened to you was NOT your fault either.

Best of luck to you. Keep posting, any time you need a friend.

Angela

You do not deserve to be hurt. It is not a normal part of child rearing nor is it in your wedding vows -- love honor and volunteer for punching bag duty. Nope not there.

Alcohol changes the way a person thinks. People who are abusive, especially to a spouse, behave in such a fashion as to appease their doubts and keep them around for the release of their anger.

You are not responsible for your dad's abuse and you are not responsible for your husband's abuse. You can make the abuse stop but you have to do it yourself. You are a survivor, you survived your father's alcoholic rages and you have so far survived your husband's controlling rages.

Shelters for battered woman are not wonderful places to live but when you live in one you do not get hit. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be safe.

~D~

Dalila~I like your phrase "love honor and volunteer for punching bag duty. Nope not there." Mad me laugh. Thanks.

Angela~I think thearpy might be a good idea. Everything is just so embarrassing though.

Thanks to both of you for your comments. I don't know why but sometimes the simpliest things just don't make sense in your head. I am keeping myself informed so that I don't fall into the "trap" again. Thanks again.
~Christina.

Christina,

Sweetheart you are singing to the choir about how embarassing therapy can be! Especially telling about the home you grew up in. I've shared some TERRIBLY embarassing things in therapy that I have never shared elsewhere. But TRUST me, if you've found a good therapist, developing that trust and telling those embarassing things can be such a great experience. It isn't easy, mind you, but when you learn that you can tell all these things that you think make you horrible- and this therapist (who you hopefully really like) thinks you're still good, it's incredible and incredibly healing. It really is.

By the way, I know this is kind of a stupid thing to point out, but we're the exact same age. Most people here are older, and a few are still high-schoolers, so it's kinda cool to meet someone my own age here!

Angela

Wow, I didn't know that we were the same age. That is pretty cool, because I noticed that too. I will think about therapy, however, but I have some other things to do first; like get the heck out of my marriage!!!

Hey, I'm in support of that!!

Yeah, I have been wanting to for a year though. I don't know why it is so hard. I could leave him for anything else but abuse, I have no idea why though. I found out yesturday that he may be cheating. My friends are making plans to catch him. I really hope they do!!!! I know that's bad, but I hope he is. Then I won't have to confront anything but that. And that is easy.

*hugs* (if it's ok?)

I grew up with an abusive father as well (emotionally, physically and verbally) who has also choosen to forget the fact that he hurt me, after making sure I knew it was all my fault (after all, he didn't hit my brother or sister, so it had to be me). It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but you have to realize that you don't need that in your life. That it isn't your fault (this is something I still struggle with daily) and there is nothing you do to make them hate you, it's their problem. You sound like you are already realizing this, and are working to make it better, so great job, and I hope you continue to do so.

And like dalila said, there are shelters out there for women like you, and they aren't awful. They also have some great resources to help you get used to living by yourself, I had to stay in one with my mother when I was in high school because her boyfriend was threatening her, and had hit me (but she isn't aware of this, I've never told her about my dad or her boyfriend, she wouldn't be able to handle it).

And I totally agree, you need to get out of the marriage, in any way that you can. Hope things go ok for you.

Good luck! You can do this! You really, really can.

I'll be here to support you anytime you need to "talk" ok?

Angela