[bchlyn]

my boys are adults now... and when they were little i had to file a police report in connection to the abuse of one of my children by their dad during visitation... the police report was kept confidential because my kids were minors... the only copy i have is at my t's office... he still has it... one of my boys is asking to see it... and is questioning if i told the truth ... which i did... in the report is some really hard things for me to let them see... regarding my abuse (by their father) t thinks it's time for them to know the truth... but it has really caused me a lot of fear... i know it's time... i know they need to know the truth... but their is so much fear on so many levels... has anyone ever had to do this?...lyn

[katheryn]

im so sorry you had to go through any off this in the first place, i can see where the boys are coming from and where you are coming from, i would ask your t for help to get through this even if its, setting up small meetings to explain things and to go over the files and also your t will be there for you

good luck

((((((((((((((bchlyn))))))))))))))

[SerenitysWave]

Could it be that they are needing this info to aide in their own healing? I see it is a positive in the right direction... Of course it will be very difficult and emotional and anger will be apart of that journey... but in the end truth is often better than what the mind usually imagines... I can understand where you are coming from too... not wanting to add to any of their pain... ((hugs))) I agree maybe your T can help you and your sons with this process...

[bchlyn]

i agree... i just am having a hard time with them knowing that their dad sexually assaulted me and the details of one of the times is in the report... things i have only shared with my t... and told the detective to protect my kids... just thinking about the incident terrifies me... i want my kids to be ok... but i am not sure if i can hold up... lyn

[Perna]

I think there is a difference between telling your kids what happened and showing them the primary papers which was very much about you and your life at the time, not theirs; if they couldn't read and understand it when it happened; if they didn't have to sign on the dotted line, etc., it's not about them. It is probably public record somewhere too that they can get now that they are adults if they're interested.

However, if I really wanted to share it with them; I'd make copies and cut or block out the information relative to my own history; that isn't their business, or at least not at this time. They need to know what their father was like in their life and if they won't accept the truth from you telling them and want to see the official paper, then make them a copy but block out your own info. You can leave them the original in your papers for after your death when it can't hurt you anymore.

You should not be asked to hurt yourself in order to assist anyone else with their "curiosity", even your children. If my parent told me X was so, I would believe that parent unless they were in the habit of lying to me? The paper blocked bad things from happening to them and was used to protect them. It would be different if it were a hospital report or something specifically about them and their life. They grew up not in the custody of their father so there isn't anything in the paper that can "help" them much with that. I can understand perhaps wanting to see the paper, the "realness" of it but I wouldn't show them parts that isn't about them.

[bchlyn]

actually the police report was for the abuse of our youngest son... his dad abused him during visitation... when the detective was questioning me he asked me why i knew my son was telling the truth... the reason i knew was because of what he had done to me... my ex is telling them that i lied to keep him away from them... which isn't true... i have really mixed emotions about this...because i want my kids to be ok... and would do anything to help with that... but i have to be honest... i feel very exposed.

[Perna]

I don't think this particular piece of paper will "prove" anything to anyone who does/does not want to believe? If it goes into detail about you, I would simple block that out. But I don't see why a simple word conversation with your son that you were telling the truth becuause "your father's abuse of me" without detail shouldn't suffice?

You say your sons are old enough; what age are they now? Are they asking to see their father or is there some other pressure like that going on? I would not give in to pressure from anyone; at that time you did the best you could for your sons and it can't be undone now. If your sons are 18 and want to see their father, etc. more power to them; tell them the story verbally and if they believe your ex- over you there's not a lot you can do about that? You know you did not lie; that's all there is! The past cannot be changed in any event; even had you been the baddie and lied. The law and those set up to protect the innocent sided with you; that, in my book, is quite alot whether or not I know the person telling the story? There was a genuine issue there, not a he-said/she-said argument.

[bchlyn]

my boys are grown 23, 25, 28... they have been having unsupervised visits with their dad since they were 18... what opened this up again is that my oldest son is expecting his first child... he is living with his dad so he could go back to school... i am very proud of him for taking this step... school has always been really hard for him. my youngest son got married on 4/6 and his dad refused to go to the wedding because his daughter... my boys younger sister was going to be there... he has never seen her... they divorced before she was born... my son was extremely hurt by his father not attending and has cut communication with him... so it's my guess that to justify his actions he is placing the responsibility on me... nothing new there... he knows i won't defend myself because i don't want to hurt our sons... my t was at the wedding and he had a very close relationship with the boys when they were little... my son started bombing me with emails asking me if i was telling the truth and he called my t... my t told him that before he assumed that i had lied he should get the whole story and ask his dad some questions... they are going to meet on monday for lunch and my t thinks he should read the police report... i don't know if he will show him on monday... but i gave him my permission to tell him what happened during the time of the investigation... he agrees that my son doesn't need to know what happened to me... but i am not sure how he can do that without him finding out... or thinking i am hiding something if it's blacked out... my oldest son has always directed his anger at his dad at me... but hasn't ever been able to direct it at his dad... my t says that's because i am the safe parent... and he knows i will love him no matter what... anyway it's a mess.... thanks for listening...lyn

[bchlyn]

tonight at t ... he handed me a copy of the police reports... i had given them to him when the boys were little... i didn't want them to find them and be hurt... now i am faced with hurting them and me as adults... i was wrong... he goes in to complete detail of my abuse... very specific... and some of the things michael had told them i forgot... i forgot that when they were talking about good and bad touches he curled up in a ball under the table... that he said his dad would kill him if he told... i can't get the picture of my little boy curled up in a fetal position ... i really need to si

[bchlyn]

he wanted to make a copy of it for me... i told him i didn't want to have it... he asked me what he should do with it... i told him to show it to the boys if they wanted to see it.

[sabby]

How about making a copy of the report and blacking certain things out so that they are not overwhelmed by every detail right from the start? As they learn of things and work through them and are safe with the knowledge of one detail, then work on the next one.....just a thought.

((((((((((( lyn )))))))))))


sabby

[bchlyn]

i thought about that... but i think my oldest son ... the one questioning if i was truthful or if i lied just to keep them from him will think i am hiding information... i just have to resolve that my relationship with them maybe over and if they truly believe i would be that cruel they don't know me... i didn't sleep too well last night... was flooded with flashbacks... one of my son curled up in a fetal position... which i wasn't even present when he did...i thought the truth set you free... lyn

[sabby]

My thought was that if your T is willing to help you explain things, then by blacking out parts and explaining to your son that there is so much hurtful info in the paperwork and taking one thing at a time is for his own good might be the way to go.

lyn, what does your gut tell you to do in this situation? I find that 99% of the time, your gut is the best reaction to go with in every situation. We have an intuition if we listen carefully to it, it will help guide us to make the right decisions.

I know this is very hard for you....and for your sons. I hope you can all find your way through this to a more peaceful place.


sabby

[AAAAA]

(((((bchlyn))))) I’m so sorry that you’re having to relive all of this. Surely as young men in their 20s they should realize that the abuse YOU suffered is your own, and you don’t have to share it if you don’t want to. In any event, if they don’t believe you, they can think that you lied to the police in the first place. There are none so blind as those that will not see. The parts of the police report that quote the children specifically should be enough for them.

You can respect their wishes with regard to their abuse if you think that they’re old enough and in a safe enough place to handle it, but I’m with the rest, have T make a copy and black out the information that pertains to you. If your eldest is living with his father, and about to bring a child into the home, and that child is at risk for being abused… Is there a Child Welfare record to go with this? Court proceedings that mandated supervised visits?

There aren’t words to express my sorrow at your situation.

[Kiya]

((((((((lyn)))))))) that is quite the amount of pressure you are under right now. Holding you close....
I too am worried about the new baby in that house.

also i was in a situation like that where the dad was telling me lies about my mom. at 23 i wasn't wise enough to see. but at 25 i was. I started seeing who was really the monster and who was telling lies. at 28 i cut off contact with the dad.

[bchlyn]

ty all..
my son is living with his dad so he can finish his ged get a job at his dad's company... he isn't living with the babies mother and if they get back together they wouldn't be living at his dad's house... she lives by me 3 hours away from where my son is now...the baby isn't due until october and he should be finished this month

i wonder if my abusers knew that their imprint on my soul would perpetuate their abuse years after they stopped... do they get some kind of pleasure just thinking about that? ... did my ex somehow know that he took my power back again last night as i read about what he did to our son? to me?

reading the report... remembering in detail what he did... has me in a place where i have never been before... the shame, fear is so much more intense then it has ever been... last night i tried to wash him off... but i realized that he has left a stain on my soul... how do you clean your soul...i don't think i will ever get through this.

my gut tells me that i have always told my boys the truth... but the truth will hurt them to the core... and that is beyond my ability to cope... my gut tells me that the police report is the truth... and if i hide the truth... i will be doing what my ex is doing... my gut tells me that their is a real possibility that my son would rather believe that i lied then face the truth about his dad... but i also know he knows the truth in his heart... and even if he doesn't admit it to me... he will know the truth... and their is a real possibility that in the end i will be the one ripped to pieces....

lyn

[Kiya]

((((((((((lyn)))))))))))
I don't have any answers, but i give you my full support.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SerenitysWave said:
Could it be that they are needing this info to aide in their own healing?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is what I was thinking too............. this is for them and is in no way a negative thing against their mother.

[bchlyn]

i know... it's just really hard... to let them read something that i know will hurt them... and i will be honest... expose me... what he did to me was very degrading... he treated me like an animal... no... he wouldn't treat an animal so badly...lyn

[Misfit]

Hi, I was reading your thread and felt compelled to post. First let me say I am so sorry for what you and your children endured.

I just wanted to offer another side to this, perhaps from your son's perspective... Im an adult now, that went thru some bad things as a child. The problem is, I have blacked most of it out, so much so that I cant remember much of any of my childhood/teen years. Every once in a while things resurface.. not much, never enough.. but just an amount to cause alot of hurt and inability to heal. If there was anyway I could see on record things that detailed my abuse or history of things that happened when I was young, I would be very, very interested in seeing it. It would help me so much and probably finally allow me to move forward. I have so many unanswered questions and my memory is marred horribly so I will prob never know the real truth. If this in any way can give your son the ability to know the real truth of what he went thru or the situations you all dealt with, this maybe why he so badly needs to see it, for his own healing and peace of mind. Ofcourse it will hurt, but that might not be near the hurt he has inside for not knowing.

The choice is yours, but just wanted to offer some feelings on the other side of it. Remember too that anything he reads or sees, you can be there with him to talk to him about it and help him thru it. Maybe even you two could sit down with your therapist to let him read it over and ask questions and get support.

[bchlyn]

thank you for sharing...i understand how hard it is to only get glimpses of the truth... trying to put the puzzle together so you can heal and move forward... i am in the same place as you are in many ways... the most important thing to me (and it always has been) is for my kids to be ok... i know they have questions and i have tried to answer them honestly... we have dealt with this head on since they were little... the reason my t would like to share the report with the boys isn't because they don't remember the abuse... it's because my oldest two sons have/ are accusing me of filing it to hurt his dad... and to keep them from him... this is what my ex and his wife are telling the boys... my youngest knows the truth because it happened to him... my boys have a love/hate relationship with their dad... he hasn't been there for him in more ways then the abuse most of their life.
i think that if this had come up at any other time it might not have as much power as it does right now... i am in the middle of dealing with my own abuse issues and trying to get my life back on track emotionally... i thought i had dealt with all this many years ago...only to find myself back revisiting the abuse issues of my past and trying to keep from that very dark place that i seem to plummet into so easily right now... believe it or not i was functioning very well for many years... until as a family we have hit an avalanche of crisis' most of which have to do with my sons (all 3) abuse issues. now that they are adults i can't keep them safe... and unfortunately... watching them struggle and stepping back has been really triggering for me... everything has been about keeping them safe... and i can't do that anymore... it's time for them too do that...

i told my t that if the boys want to see the report that he could show them... but this has left me in a very dark and scary place... because the report has opened some very old wounds... i have decided to ask him to help me take the power out of the report before he makes it available to them... i don't know if that is possible ... but if my oldest son (who tends to be the hardest on me) were to use the report against me... i don't think i have the ability right now to cope with it... i have tried many time over the years to come to terms with what happened in my marriage... but haven't been able fully... in many ways what happened then wounded me more then all the abuse growing up... lyn

[bchlyn]

last night at t... i told him that i need him to help me take some of the power out before he lets the boys read it... i told him that i "know" that they have the right to know the truth... that even if they don't believe it... i know that it is true... but that i "need" to get to a safer place... just reading it the other night sent me to a place very close to the place of no return... so starting next week we are going to start to go through it... line by line... i am not sure if it's even possible to get to a safe place with it... lyn

[Misfit]

I hope it all works out, for you and your sons. I cant imagine how painful this is for you. Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes.

[Misfit]

I hope it all works out, for you and your sons. I cant imagine how painful this is for you. Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes.