Not sure if this is where I should post this

I haven't talked to T about this yet, we're working on the shame from my past. I still self-harm there, but nothing severe. The shame from the past is the root of this self-hatred I think so maybe it's the right way to go to address it.
I don't really feel like a human...I feel like an object with H.

There are too many parallels between my father and my husband...too much to say without going off the deep end. Thank you for your concern - I am okay. I'm embarrassed about posting this...it's true, but I guess I'm not ready to deal with it yet....

i agree with salukigirl - and these things you can never get back...

Maybe once I deal with the shame from my past, I will be able to view myself differently?

I told T today....one of the hardest things to do

GOOD FOR YOU !!! i'm so glad you did !!! I'm sure it WAS hard but I'll bet you felt better after your told him, right? Getting that bag of rocks off your shoulders must have felt better.

That's a big step. You'll make more progress now. Hugs, Lee

I am so ashamed! I have horrible thoughts in my head. Maybe it will just take time to feel the relief?

My head, my body, and my heart have been three separate entities for so long. I can rattle off my "story" like it's the evening news. My head always takes charge and leaves my heart safe. Sharing what is in my heart is new and frightening... I feel like I'm losing it. All these pieces exposed and vulnerable. I'm not sure I can do it.

I'm glad you told your T. Did it help at all, did you get any advice on how to cope?

I'm not sure if I wanted to open that whole can of worms..the discussion was left unfinished...ran out of time. Hard to discuss something so personal with a male, I think he wasn't quite sure how to react. I still am not sure if telling was the right thing to do, but the cat is outta the bag so I guess I have to deal with it

Help! I found how to instructions on the internet. My emotional state is so unstable. I am scared of myself.

I pray that you won't. Wish there was someone there with you who could help you, someone you really trust. It seems to me that you may work better with a female therapist, because working with another male is just too hard on you. Didn't you want a woman, could you change?

But meanwhile, can you make yourself look at your situation in a different way? Distance yourself from it? As if it was someone else and what different reaction could there be. For example, someone else could think "how dare he/they make me feel this way?! Perhaps there ought to be some body parts cut off but for sure not mine!"

You know that you are not the one that needs to be punished for what was done to you, and yet you are being punished, every day, and that bastard doesn't know, doesn't see, doesn't want to see, doesn't bloody care. It's like hitting yourself with a hammer because someone done something bad to you, and you can't very well hit them, so you hit that which you can, i.e. yourself. It's in a twisted way logical, but it is just Soo Wrong.

Do you see how after he has stolen your power away, how your own continuation along this shame path just keeps on giving it to him and other men who are mirror images of him?

I really trust my T. even though he is male. I had a bad experience with a female T who tried to take advantage of me so honestly I feel more comfortable with him. I guess it's hard to admit this to anyone.

I will try to turn things around in my head and not think about hurting myself. It really scared me when I found directions on the internet...before then it was something I've wanted for a very long time but not really a possibility...directions made it more possible.

I know deep inside it won't change anything and it's irrational to think otherwise. Sometimes feelings get the best of me and I really want to self-destruct and make the pain stop.

For now, it's probably best if I don't spend much time on the computer.

Thank you for your reply.

You know CSC I was thinking about you today and came to this same conclusion. I think you are being triggered by so much, even here at PC and may truly need a break. Overwhelming yourself with information, while it can be a relief, can also be too much input, and can make "therapy" go way too fast for you to heal with it.

Slowing down can often allow you to go faster in the long run, to cover more healing ground in the long run because you aren't stopping due to the triggers, and suffering due to all the input and memories.

When I think of rape, I classify it as a violent act, including domination even though it's sexual in nature. The person who did this to you should be punished, not you punishing yourself. If it wasn't you, it would have been your other siblings or someone else.

Female circumcision or I like to term it genital mutilation because that's what it is......it's a real pet peeve of mine because this is forced upon healthy young women and girls in some countries. It's a twisted belief steeped in deep cultural roots, that women need to be altered in order to control them. You're punishing yourself further and that's not right.

Why should you continue suffering from what happened in the past- but I'm not saying you shouldn't deal with it. I doubt your abuser is suffering. Punishing and hurting yourself is just continuing the abuse you've already suffered.

I don't know what twisted person put up instructions for genital mutilation, but that so wrong. The internet can be very helpful but it's also a deep cesspool of horrible things as well. I hope one day soon you can stand up and realize you deserve some peace and contentment (((Can't Stop Crying))).Honor your body and yourself.

I really think I missing the internal "brake" system that most people have that lets them know when it's time to stop. Not just in therapy, in life - I race through things, take on too much responsibility, search for answers, the list goes on and on. I don't stop when it gets to the point of being "too much" I stop when I fall apart.

Intellectually, I know that. I've gone through all the cognitive distortions, negative coping skills, and self-hatred with T. It never seems to reach my heart...I am always looking for the one thing that will give me peace, make me feel clean, and free me from the abusers grips.

I am still trying to understand why the abuse makes me want to destroy myself.

Can't Stop Crying, I can relate to the wanting to destroy the self so that I can finally be pure, asexual. It gets worse when I am triggered. I get flashes of aggressively hurting myself. All the self-hatred that I've carried with me...very painful.
I have felt like two people most of my life: one is the otherworldly alien and the other is my true self. I think that the alien is a form of negative introject who belittles me and reminds me that I don't deserve healthy love from others, especially a boyfriend.
I wish you success in resolving this struggle of yours.