Not sure if this is where I should post this

I'm pretty uncomfortable admitting this and I'm not sure if it is this right place... I want to be asexual. I want to have a female circumcision and mastectomy. I have a long history of sexual abuse that started at a young age. When people look at me, I don't want them to see a female or have any sexual thoughts. I want to be genderless. I am married and when I told my husband what I was thinking - he thought I was a freak. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just think life would be easier if I could remove the body parts that were used to torture me. I've burned my hands in the past and it brought such relief, like I was sanitizing the contamination. I want that feeling again - to be clean

oh love, your not a freak, but u have been hurt and your trying to be sure it never happens again. This would be a great time to contact a therapist that works with abuse cases.

I have been seeing a therapist for years. I have shared some of my darkest secrets with him, but not this.

hmm , i think its gonna help u if u do share it with someone, it doesnt have to be him if you cant see yourself telling him.
My concern for what u want is that it may not solve the problem for you, it seems like a denial of self (sorry only my thoughts not wanting to push them on you) . Its such a big issue i dont want to blunder in and cause u any harm here. Thats why i think that a understanding professional will be able to guide you best. But i am glad your expressing it.

I'm just desperately trying to stop hurting...it has hurt for so long...does it ever go away?

i dont know, i think your going to have to reach out and get some help.
How are u now?
Xx

I see my T tomorrow, maybe I could write it down and give it to him. He let's me do that for the things that are hard to say and then we talk about it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think you are a freak. If something was used to hurt you, it only makes sense for you to want it to be taken away.

One thing that I was thinking when I read you post, though, is how much do you think this course of action would help in the long run? Even if the body parts were removed, you will still be dealing with the memories. You can't take away the feelings by doing that.

After what you have been through, it does not seem strange to me that you would want to do this, but I think before you decide and really get serious about it, it would be a good idea to really think about why you are doing it and what you hope to get from it. From there, think about if there is any way to get it otherwise and if you are really going to get those things from a circumcision.

I think your idea of writing it down and giving it to your therapist is a good one. You could even try emailing it or sending a physical letter if you don't want to see him read it in front of you or hand it over to him.

I hope to get peace. I hope to finally feel clean. I hope to eliminate sex from the equation of my life

I'm sorry you feel like this. My question is how you got to the point of being married if you have hated yourself like this for so long?

I don't think that surgery is the answer though. Just like with procedures to enhance those areas...the issue is not with the physical body parts but with your own perception. Girls that go out and boob jobs rarely feel better afterwards...they just find something else to 'fix'. Because it's about body image.

I hope you can tell your T about this because these type of feelings towards yourself are more painful than anything anyone else can say or do to you. I just hope you don't rush to surgical procedures bc I highly doubt that will fix the thoughts. You need to work on WHY you feel this way in the first place and try to combat those feelings. You are a beautiful person and deserve to feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin.

salukigirl - to answer your question - I married very young. In hindsight, I believe it was an attempt to create a new life to erase the old. Sex always has been and continues to be a painful, traumatic experience - but I hide this from my husband for his benefit. The times I do share little bits of my past and thoughts and feelings are too much for him to bear, so I rarely share. After our conversation about me wanting to be asexual, I laughed it off (terrible coping skill of mine) and agreed that only a freak would think like that...

Is it possible that your husband could go to a therapy session with you?

Sometimes people who have gone through traumatic situations tend to push their own needs aside or invalidate them. You have gone through a terrible experience and have every right to feel the way you do. If sex is still traumatic for you, I think this is something that needs to be discussed with your husband. Sacrifices are needed in relationships sometimes, but not to the extent that you are doing where you are essentially ignoring your own needs.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I just think that your emotional well being is so much more important than his sexual pleasure.

sounds like a solid plan! goodluck.

(((Can't Stop Crying)))

My heart aches reading your post. I tried to post the other day, but I got kicked off the internet. So, I'll have to be more brief this time.

Sex with my ex-hub was very painful for me too, partly due to endometriosis and a tilted uterus ~ which put additional pressure on the cervix. I can see now that my pain was mostly due to my emotional state of mind. I could *not* relax. I frequently dissociated during sex, automatically, to avoid the self-hate and shameful thoughts that always came with sex.

We tried seeing a sex therapist. We tried exercises to make me more comfortable with my body. We tried lubricant. What we didn't try was working through my childhood experiences that have followed me throughout life. While I cared about my hub, as a human being, I often questioned my love for him. I was completely paranoid that I wasn't "in love" with him.

Deep, deep shame for leading him on to live with me motivated me to give into his sexual desires ~ but I was emotionally gone. I was not present in the moment at all! I could not escape the fear that my elders were up in heaven looking down upon me. (This intense fear is indescribable, and is stuck deep in my core. Peculiar...because I don't even believe in heaven/hell. But that fear is inescapable!)

The result of my inner battles was: dissociating to give hand or blow jobs, massages, and maybe 6 times/year giving in to sex. None of it was enjoyed. That fear inside of me grew as time passed. I'd panic whenever my hub simply gave me a kiss. I felt major pressure inside...and I held it in. Near the end, we were down to even more rare intercourse (partly due to my physical health worsening ~ but that was an excuse). I didn't think that I ever wanted romance. there was no such thing as romance. I feared that I was gay because my sexuality was SO repressed. Simply seeing a romantic ad would trigger some physical reaction inside of me. I panicked ~ why would ads excite me when I was SO BAD with my hub??

I needed to deal with my sexual history a bit, before I could ever feel a little better. That's what I did in therapy. Also left my hub ~ a joint decision ~ and stayed away from all sexuality for 1 1/2 years. Through that time and work, I slowly discovered myself sexually. It has been a very long road, as you can imagine. But, I have been in an enjoyable sexual relationship for over a year now, with a man, and it hasn't been painful. To not be painful at all is AMAZING...but, it's true. I have been open about some of my core experiences with my bf, which helps him understand me a bit.

I do still fight self-hate and guilt. but the feelings aren't as strong as before. I think that they're a warning to me.

Sorry this is so long ~ just needed you to see how well I understand where you're coming from. I wish you gentle hugs hon!

Just saw my T - had been preparing to share this with him, wrote it down in case I couldn't say the words...I still chickened out.

I am angry with myself for the things I did not say. I feel worse than before the session

oh its okay, it really really is. its no worse in fact if u shared some then in the scheme of things its a little bit better. But just the initial telling wont be a instant cure, which im sure you know. Please be kind to yourself. This is a process that your starting, it will feel easier then harder from time to time.
Today just go do something you enjoy. Find a place where u can stop thinking about it, enjoy the moment and place that u are in, even if u only do it for a half hour. Can u do that for me?
Your T is still there, u can tell a little more soon.

ah im so tired i read it wrong; but my message is still the same, ok u chickened out. Thats ok too, i still say give yourself a break, u need it.
And tomorrow u can send a email? U can call ur Ts office?
But today u shall be kinder to u. Please?

It took a very long time before I felt strong enough to share such deeply personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences with a T. In retrospect, I can see that I took a deep breath ~ warned the T of my shame ~ and looked down to read the words written in my journal. I was tempted to skip lines (that involved a lot of swear words or intimate memories), but I kept on reading.

My T's reaction: support and understanding, was worth a million $! To not be called a freak or sicko, to have my emotions justified was invaluable.

I recommend that you do the same. Read all of the words you've written (shameful or not), rather than skating around the core issue/s that you've been skating around for so many years. Part of you really does want to talk about it, despite those intense negative emotions, and needs to. Don't kick yourself for not giving in & talking about it in T yesterday. Let it go & bring it to your next T session.

Personally, I recommend that you begin the session w/out shooting the sh^t w/ your T. Instead, automatically say that you have lots of serious stuff to talk about and whip out your notebook to read from. I'd rather read it aloud, instead of give it to the T. Giving it to the T to read brings on more anxiety for me. I ask for no remarks or Q's during my reading...just let me read it...and avoid eye contact for a little bit. That's what has worked for me.

Gentle hugs Can't Stop Crying ~ give yourself a break. You will be strong when you're ready to be.

I've felt the same way many times before. It's understandable.

Tell your therapist. I did my own form of female circumcision and it was awful. I did tell my therapist and he helped me deal with the feelings surrounding it. I am still really tempted to do more damage, but I talk to him about those feelings.

I think your therapist could really help you.

Can you email or call him and say that there is something very important that you were too ashamed to bring up but that you need to talk about?

I think this is something really important to talk with a T about. Maybe then your T could talk to your husband too so that he understands ... it's hard to understand the effect that sexual abuse has on one's sexuality, unless you're the one experiencing it!

CSC - How are you doing now? Has your therapist been able to help you? Please share. You have had a terrible experience and no wonder you suffer so. My thoughts are with you.

Haven't been able to share all the details...he knows I self-harm in private places and understands why...haven't been able to share how extreme the thoughts have become. I haven't done anything severe. I am safe from that right now. Thanks for your concern

BTW - I researched, female circumcision is illegal in US, so only thing I have to fear is myself..not sure it that is better or worse...

CSC - It's been more than 2 weeks since you last posted on this thread. Are you o.k? Have you been able to talk to T yet? Please please take care of yourself.