[Rhapsody]

Ladies, I was wondering how you all feel when your spouse / lover tells you NO (not now) - (i'm tired) - (maybe in the morning) when you are in the mood for loving and they are not?

Do YOU - hurt, sulk, say oh well, read a book, watch tv (or) get caught up in your emotions / sexual needs not being met?

[meander]

I usually sulk for a minute or two, then go do something else. If I can't sleep, I read a book.

But it's only happened about 2 times... I tend not to ask if I know he's really tired.

[Raynaadi]

Ooooh Rhap how I understand......my bf is having a bad bout of asthma problems because of the weather and my sex drive is pretty crazy since I fell in love with him....I've wanted it for days now.....my period was due to start in a few days and its starting today, even on the pill and its 2 days early! Maybe my body is trying to get it out of the way for when bf feels better.

Its definitely hard on me, especially because I've never had a healthy sex drive until now. Bf is tired and stressed A LOT because of his job. I'm so used to being with over-sexed men when I wasn't sexed at all lol, and now its kinda flipped.

I've worked through the feeling rejected, and just try to move into acceptance when he's not physically capable, knowing its not me.

But wow does it get frustrating, especially finally having a healthy view of sex with him and a healthy sex drive!!!

[bebop]

it use to really hurt my feelings. I am overweight so I blame that on it since when I was thinner he wanted me all the time. so my self esteem hits bottom again. now I don't think about it as much. so I say find something else to do to get your mind off it for a little bit, if you can.

[katheryn]

wow what a question i allways feel hurt but try not to show, with of us having depression this doesnt help

[Rhapsody]

I feel like you all do - hurt - and then I try to move onto some thing else...... but boy is it ever so hard some times and especially when you rarely say no to him and yet he does not seem to mind saying to no you.

Some times I feel like telling him NO just to let him see and feel what I often go through inside when he says no to me..... and yet I know this is not the adult think do - or is it?

I think I am starting to get to the point of not caring and of just taking care of it myself (if and when) I really have a need that he is not willing or able to met at the moment, some times for days on end..... but you know the feelings of not caring about sex any more just seems to me as "not good" - from my side of the fence, I am just learning to shut down and to not to need him so much for he is not being there for me when I need / want him.
.... that can't be a good thing in a marriage.

Oh well, I guess I will just get Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Toro Bull out tomorrow morning after my husband goes to work..... and while this will satisfy my sexual need it will not be able to take care of my emotional need, for this desire was an emotional and sexual needs mixed together..... what happened to the good old days when it was just for FUN - for SEX?

Thanks for letting me VENT - - -

[Raynaadi]

Rhap have you told him how you're feeling about all this? He may just not even know, and it sounds like you guys have a good marraige. He probably wouldn't want you feeling this way.

[Rhapsody]

YES....... I have told him (we generally talk about everything openly & honestly) - he just seems unable to give at times - probably more of his issue than mine, but it still effects me.

And - YES - over all we do have a good marriage, but this one issue seems to always hit me hard..... I guess that is why I have finally decided to talk about it - I am wanting to cope & deal with this matter on a better emotional level than I am prsently doing - I tend to sulk more than I want.
... and while I know it is not about me and that nothing is wrong with me..... it still hurts inside.

[bebop]

you know for me it is more the emotional needs I need more than the sex but sex is the bonus of it all. *sigh*

why is it that men don't want us to say no to them but they have no problem telling us no? errrrrrrrr

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
why is it that men don't want us to say no to them but they have no problem telling us no? errrrrrrrr

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My thoughts exactly........... and I have stated the same thing to my husband many times over.

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr -

[meander]

What does he say, when you say that?

[Rhapsody]

Some times He says:

1. He is SORRY - and gives me that "I'm a Heal Look"

2. He says he can't explain it - just that he is not in the mood, therefore, can't.

3. He knows that it hurts me, he is lost as to the reason why........

I do not believe HE does these things to hurt me or to make me mad.
I know there is an under lining reason to his actions where sex is concerned, of the emotional kind.

* * * * * * *

Last night I went to him before he went to sleep and told him that I was going to be using Mr Rabbit tomorrow morning to satisfied my sexual need with, but that it would not help with my emotion need.
he said: is that supposed to make me feel guilty, bad or ashamed?
I said - No - I just wanted to let you know so that I did not have any guilt on my part when I do it - for we usually use these adult items together (and) you already told me no to sex.... then I kissed him and left the bedroom so that he could go to sleep for work in the morning.
his reply:- but I only said NO once, I stated that was enough for the last three days to me.

Out come: - I was awaken in the morning around 6 am by sweet gentle touches that had my body stirred and wanting, and we made LOVE before he went to work.

* * * * * * *

Now tell me this....... Why could he not just have made love to me three days ago when I wanted to? *sigh*
.... that is one of the mysterious that makes me mad where MEN are concerned!!!!!

[Raynaadi]

I didn't think about the emotional need part......but now that you said that, I realized thats a big part of it when my bf isn't well enough for sex.

I've really started noticing when we're watching tv, just being next to each other, I've started noticing the way he strokes my hand or my arm....I've started feeling that emotional connection there too, not just in his kiss or in his passion.......and that has helped a lot with the feeling rejected with the sex issue. I brought up a really similar issue a million threads ago here, about it started off hot and heavy and then tapered quite a bit. What people suggested in that thread was that our relationship was about much more than sex, so I started noticing the subtleties.....and somehow its worked. I'm really starting to get that its not about me when it comes to sex. But in my situation, I know why.....my bf has asthma and a job that makes him crazy. I think if I didn't know why, it would be a lot harder to deal with.

[Raynaadi]

It sounds to me like he did some thinking after you talked to him, maybe even in his sleep. He woke up and felt "able" and wanted to please you.....now on the flip side, when the woman says no one day and then 3 days later she's ready......the men are just glad they're getting it. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It just seems to me that maybe he realized your needs and wanted to fulfill them. It might not have been on the timeline you wanted, but he did it when he was able. At least he did it! At least he didn't sulk around the house for days until you forgot about it! Sounds like maybe he's dealing with his own physical issues and wanted to make sure he jumped on the change when he felt the Zing. I know thats been that way for me in the past. Just not feeling up for sex at all, so when I was, I pounced, to satisfy my man's needs.

I don't know, it seems like progress to me?

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Raynaadi said:
At least he did it! At least he didn't sulk around the house for days until you forgot about it!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No.................... but I did - lol.
and it was not due to not getting any sex, for me it was more of a rejection of me and my needs from the man I love from the man I share my self and life with that had me sulking.

And YES....... I know what you mean when you said "the men are just glad they're getting it" - most women do -

I guess I just need to talk about this for I am tired of being turned down more than I have every turned him down in our 24 year relationship...... and I am tired of his sexual needs coming first over mine, heck I would even settle for a 60-40% .

Maybe it is past emotional scaring that will never leave me be - that will always be a part of ME........ I feel the need to know that I am important enough to be taken serious when I have a need - I don't like being left or forgotten out of Selfishness of Another. (just my thoughts)

................. YES - you are right it is progress, I just wish it did not effect me so when it happens.

[Fursac]

Emotional needs with sex... I have never had that and I envey you all... As some are aware, I have not had a sex life with my husband for at least two years... Lots of issues going on. I know that he has been sexually active on his own, I have found the evindence... Today I found out that he witnessed as a child his own father taking himself in hand (as so to speak).. with female shoes... I long to have that desire that you all have...

[gostryter]

awe, Rhapsody! i loved reading this thread. i'm a single female whose never been w/ any guy. i don't trust them. but it's sweet to hear how relationships work. your husband sounds like a nice guy! seems you have ups 'n downs but in the end it's good. i'm glad you have that in your life!!

[Fursac]

yes I agree gostryer....

[Rhapsody]

Thank YOU....... I guess that's what makes LIFE worth while (many times over) - knowing there is someone there for you.

....... with the Good & Bad times, Sickness and in Health.

[meander]

It sounds like you guys have made progress... a bit at least?

Maybe next time, if he does say no again, you could ask him just to hold you for a while or something, just to make you feel a bit better about life in general? That way you'd get something for the emotional closeness at least, and it sounds like that's just as important to you as the actual sex.

[dream1977]

i have been feeling like this in my marriage...
been married for 3 years...i felt like i have always had to initiate sex...i felt so not loved by him...at times i thought that maybe he was still in love with his ex, or that i just wasn't his type...the tall and slim type as he has spoke about so much before...this has completed destroyed my confidence...i masturbate many times so i can get so tired and pass out and fall asleep...i would wait and wait until he finally wants to do it and then i would feel so gross and weird when we do it because i would be thinking that he was doing it just as a duty...not because he really wanted me...
i have asked him if he wants a girlfriend on the side...but of course he said no...i don't know what to do...i don't know if I am addicted to sex or what...
i have talked about this many times with him...but things are the same as before, i can't talk about it anymore than i have already...
i have tried to get drunk, or taken sleeping pills so i can fall sleep without thinking about sex or touching him in bed...
i don't know what to do anymore.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
meander said:
Maybe next time, if he does say no again, you could ask him just to hold you for a while or something, just to make you feel a bit better about life in general? That way you'd get something for the emotional closeness at least, and it sounds like that's just as important to you as the actual sex.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That part I have been working on and it 50-50 - some times I can let him hold me and other times I sulk so much that I become angry at him (or) the anger leaves me sulking - not for sure which came first...... the sulk or the anger.
... my sulking time has greatly decreased over the years.

Guess I just hate being told NO - for it seems life a rejection of me (our love) made by him...... yet he does not like being told NO by me, and I rarely ever do say no for by the time he is finally ready I am starving, therefore, no is not an option for me at that moment.

I just want equal time in the old give and take game....... not 50-50 at all the times, and just knowing that it will equal out at the end of the month and not at the end of each year will leave feeling content and happy.

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

Oh Girl - I feel your inner PAIN, for it mine and it once controlled me something awful.

Hang in there and maybe together we can solve this issue - but first we have to let go of the intrusive thoughts that we have over why he does not want to have sex with us, for some of them are lies that we are telling our self and they will only keep us from the man we love from the man we want to be with.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

[Rhapsody]

I HATE to admit this (out loud)...... but I think my sadness in this area is only compounded by the inner thoughts I have that he, my husband, does not really love me any more or that he would prefer some one younger & sexier than I am, hence why I get so hurt when rejected over sex.

These FEARS are not unfounded, for I once had to compete with what his eyes saw then lusted over in his mind and in the end fulfilled with his body - for ten long years - now I cannot seem to escape the wound / doubts those years placed in me.

I HATE than someone I was supposed to be able to TRUST did this do me, created such a horror in me.
... and yes, I know this was more about him and his issue and not me, but it still hurts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here is a poem I wrote on the issue of this in my life.

WHY SHE CRIES.................... ?

She so NEEDS to be found BEAUTIFUL in the EYES of her LOVE -

When the two become one inter twined together in passion a high chemical release erupts an emotion within her that forms the most BEAUTIFUL feeling she has ever experienced. She longs for her Physical Beauty to go unmatched by the Inner emotional Beauty she has been given by her LOVER.

Yet she FEARS - for but once again deep despair has gripped her heart her soul, for she now believes she will never compare to the fair maidens that catch his eyes, taking with them a fraction of his desire with each look.

Lost and Left she feels as though they will replace her, for they give to him something she no longer can... Beauty - Sensual Pleasure - Affirmation.

Real or not she believes it to be, thinks it to be about the LOOK - a look that is no longer hers to have. Womanhood has failed her in the EYES of her LOVER – He is MAN.

Rhapsody –

My feelings from the past, wounds that are becoming ever so small with time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I so desperately want to conquer these feelings that have me bound to FEAR.

....... but how?

[Raynaadi]

((((( Rhap ))))))

I wish I knew how......my ex, who was first love back in high school, who came back to me after years and we fell back in love......he put those fears in me. He'd make "oof" sounds when a hot girl came on tv. He'd leave for work, and I'd turn the tv on and find a porn dvd in the player, or the tv turned to the hispanic channel with the volume all the way down (the hispanic channel always had scantily clad women on). He lusted after the likes of Jessica Simpson and Salma Hayek. It doomed our relationship. I couldn't hang. Was never comfortable with my body around him. He was over sexed though, and it all made me hate sex. He never rejected me, but I was never comfortable because I didn't have the body he wanted. He said he didn't care, that he just liked looking at those women. But I couldn't handle it. I was never able to fix it. I understand how it feels....I wish I knew how you could fix it.