[purplepearl]

Husband and I have only been married a little less than a year. I used to enjoy my job, then things got really tense in my department due to upper leadership not playing nice with my manager. I transferred to another department (and location, big organization) and received a hefty pay increase. I thought that this new department would be the key to my unhappiness, but it seems especially over the last year, that I've been more and more interested in being a homemaker.

We don't have kids yet, so I can't even use the excuse of "wanting to be home with baby" - I just really don't like working. I hate having to be somewhere at a specific time, doing mindless work. I sit in a cubicle, stare out the window, or sometimes surf the internet (like now) and wonder, "am I wasting my life?"

I had a few days off recently (weekend, plus Monday and Tuesday) and realized that I loved having that time at home. I got some much needed cleaning finished, did a meal plan, started some laundry, watched a few episodes of my favorite TV show on netflix, even had the energy to cook dinner last night in addition to giving husband a ride to and from work (he had a flat tire).

I know it doesn't seem very interesting, but the past two days not being at work were marvelous. I felt like I could pursue any interest I had at the moment, without having to deal with someone asking me to do something or giving me a task that I just don't want to do.

I fear that this will only get stronger the closer we get to having kids. Now the real kicker is that every time I bring up this subject to my husband, he immediately gets anxious about it "we can't afford that, you'll get bored" etc. and basically refuses to let me quit my job. I guess it really doesn't help that he makes about $10,000 less than I do and that he absolutely hates his job and feels like he can't get anything better. PLUS, we have quite a bit of debt from various things (mostly student loans and car payment, plus a few credit cards).

I know it's probably not the wisest path financially, but I just really, really want to quit working. Am I being selfish?

[kaliope]

to have the feeling is fair, you are entitled to your feelings and to be happy, but to do it when it would cause problems financially for the family, that would be selfish. it would be different if you were doing it to take care of kids because that is a job in itself. if you are unhappy with your current job, go to school for a new career that will make you happier. your husband should do the same. being stuck in a miserable job isn't good for anybody. everybody wishes they could quit and stay home all day...but it just isn't financially feasible in todays economy. everybody has to work. that doesn't mean you have to work at a job that sucks. you keep at it until you find a job that fulfills you.

[purplepearl]

Originally Posted by kaliope

to have the feeling is fair, you are entitled to your feelings and to be happy, but to do it when it would cause problems financially for the family, that would be selfish. it would be different if you were doing it to take care of kids because that is a job in itself. if you are unhappy with your current job, go to school for a new career that will make you happier. your husband should do the same. being stuck in a miserable job isn't good for anybody. everybody wishes they could quit and stay home all day...but it just isn't financially feasible in todays economy. everybody has to work. that doesn't mean you have to work at a job that sucks. you keep at it until you find a job that fulfills you.

There will be no more school for me; I have MA, BA and a certification. I'm done with school. Husband likes the idea of grad school but he's an awful student (he knows this) and he hates doing homework. School for either of us would only exacerbate the financial problems, not eliminate them.

The last thing you said though is that "you keep at it until you find a job the fulfills you." I'm really worried about this. This means that I'd have to continue being miserable day after day, switching from one job to the next, always searching for something "fulfilling" when I don't know that it will ever happen. I'll just keep working until I'm too old and then wonder what the hell I did with my life. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.

Life should be lived, not tolerated. I feel like I'm tolerating life right now, and a huge impact on that is having to spend 40+ hours a week working.

[Frankbtl]

Hi purplepearl, if you've been working long hours in a job you don't particularly like/that doesn't fulfill you/that doesn't make you feel good about it/yourself then it's completely understandable how being at home could seem so much more attractive.
But do you think that if you could imagine yourself in a job that does fulfill you, that does give you a feeling of achievement/purpose, that does allow you to feel you're doing something meaningful you might be less inclined to want to be a homemaker??
If that's the case could you start thinking about different jobs that might "do it for you"?? Some research maybe?? And allow your imagination to "go wild" there, could be a job you've never really considered could be one for you if you look a bit closer at what it might actually be like to do.
And I know that might well involve a pay cut.........but on that note do you think you and your husband could sit down and come up with a budget together and any cost cutting you could do if need be e.g. spread out loan and card payments a bit more, smaller car, less weekly spending, downsize on where you're living????
While I'm sure the benefits of a higher wage can be important to some people I'd say that it's much more important to be happy/fulfilled in what you're doing/in your life, even if that involves bringing in a much smaller wage.
Now just hold those thoughts for a moment, just want to check with you...........
Could some of the "unhappiness" be a little less to do with the job and more to do with how you're feeling in general........??? If general boredom or depression could be factors..........it might benefit you a lot to look at them in their own right???
For general boredom is there anything more you could be doing in your life..........a passion you could maybe find, or more activities???
And for depression........well that's a big one if it might be the case although not one you can't look at addressing or getting some help/support with.
Maybe worth having a think about????
And last thought, last because it's probably not possible , but would your job allow you to decrease your hours a bit?? As 40 hours can seem like a lot if you're not enjoying your job.........just until something better???

Alison

[CosmicRose]

It is not selfish. However, it is not a very smart decision for your own future. For example, being a homemaker (my grandma was one, never worked a day in her life, had to marry man after man who was sometimes abusive and couldn't leave him if she wanted to) makes you almost like a prisoner. After a few years of being a homemaker, you have a big gap in your resume if you ever want or need to return to work.
What happens if your husband unexpectedly dies? What happens if he cheats on you or you two get divorced? Do you have your own savings to take care of yourself so that you don't end up homeless when s*** hits the fan? What about your retirement savings? How are you going to take care of yourself if you're at the retirement age and you don't have any savings or pension and your husband passes away before you?
I also wanted to be a homemaker for awhile, but then I realized it's just too risky.
After watching my sister be a homemaker for five years, with a four year old daughter, her husband who was a marine cheated on her with multiple women and left her. He barely sees his daughter and refuses to help my sister with the bills. So now, after five blissful years of being a homemaker, she is deeply struggling to stay afloat as a single mother.
After searching for a job for many months she finally landed a job as a bartender, and she's constantly tired.
No its not selfish to be a homemaker, but it's not smart.

Edit - By the way, if you're thinking "Oh he would never cheat on me." You never know what the future will bring. My sister never imagined her husband would cheat on her (let alone with multiple women). Accidents also happen, diseases happen, any number of things can go wrong. That's why it is soo important to have your own form of income - not just for your own retirement, but for your peace of mind too. If he is telling you he doesn't want you to be a homemaker, but you do it anyway, he very well might end up resenting you and leaving you. It happens all the time to women. It would be different if he said, "Sure honey, that sounds great, I'll take care of us." and even that would be risky, but he's being honest when he expresses how he feels about it, so if I were you, I would listen to him - because if you don't, then yeah it might be selfish.

[hvert]

I feel the same way and have all the degrees/certifications/whatever I need for a job -- but I'd rather be at home than trapped in an office that drives me mad-- and the thought of any office and working 40 hours a week just makes me sick to my stomach. I have been 'on sabbatical' for 2-4 years depending how you count things but am at the point where I can no longer put off the thought of a day job or some sort of income generating work.

If your husband hates his job and makes less money, being a housewife doesn't sound like it is going to fly for you both. Can you start your own business? Work part-time? Freelance? I think if you are creative, skilled, and focused, you can choose your own circumstances to an extent.

[hamster-bamster]

You are not being selfish, but you are also not being prudent, cautious, or realistic.

[NWgirl2013]

Frankbtl has a good thought; and I want to add, what would make you happy...at work? Money is clearly not everything, and it doesn't make you happy, so what sort of work would do the trick? Because, you probably have to work. At least you do until the debts that you took on are paid off.

I have always been able to work doing something I felt very fulfilled doing. I looked forward to going to my job every single day. But I made peanuts, and had to be very creative to make ends meet sometimes. Could you see yourself doing that? Is working fewer hours an option? If so, it might be a way to get a little of both worlds...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by purplepearl

Husband and I have only been married a little less than a year. I used to enjoy my job, then things got really tense in my department due to upper leadership not playing nice with my manager. I transferred to another department (and location, big organization) and received a hefty pay increase. I thought that this new department would be the key to my unhappiness, but it seems especially over the last year, that I've been more and more interested in being a homemaker.

We don't have kids yet, so I can't even use the excuse of "wanting to be home with baby" - I just really don't like working. I hate having to be somewhere at a specific time, doing mindless work. I sit in a cubicle, stare out the window, or sometimes surf the internet (like now) and wonder, "am I wasting my life?"

I had a few days off recently (weekend, plus Monday and Tuesday) and realized that I loved having that time at home. I got some much needed cleaning finished, did a meal plan, started some laundry, watched a few episodes of my favorite TV show on netflix, even had the energy to cook dinner last night in addition to giving husband a ride to and from work (he had a flat tire).

I know it doesn't seem very interesting, but the past two days not being at work were marvelous.

That you used to enjoy your work means that you can enjoy working - it is just that the current work is not enjoyable.

Having three days off against the background of a boring workplace routine would feel fabulous to everybody. When your H worries that you'd be bored, he is not talking about three days off work - he is talking about being a homemaker day in and day out. Have you tried that? You probably have not, so you are extrapolating from those liberating three days at home to a lifetime as a homemaker. Your H might be right (he knows you well, after all) and you'd get bored.

Also, if you take the position that whoever is more bored at work should become a homemaker, then your H would be the candidate, and not you. You are bored while he positively hates his job. And, he makes $10K less. So the decision would be in his favor. Not that I am suggesting this, but just as a mental exercise in decision-making.

[offthegrid]

I hate when people say "you'll be bored". Purple, when I was unemployed for a year (I just got a job) I LOVED it and I was a lot of things but boredom was never a factor. I believe people say that to make you somehow see that you don't really want to sit at home all day. They probably mean well but it can be patronizing when I hear it. My dad has been retired for medical reasons since the mid 90s and people tell him the same thing. No, he's not bored, he has things going on. lol

Since it does sound like you guys legitimately need the income have you looked into other ways of making money? "Work" doesn't have to be the typical 9-5 grind. Instead of being homemaker, why not work toward a money making venue that is more inline with what you like doing anyway? For me, that would be freelance illustration. I can do it from anywhere, there's not a lot of overhead and I already know how to do it. I don't know where your interests lie but you may want to think of some way to become entrepreneurial. That does have it's own set of issues but it's definitely worth looking into.

[Crazy Hitch]

It would have to be a decision you and your husband would have to make together.

This would change both of your lifestyles due to a change in income.

Wanting to quit work (especially when you are the bread winner) is very different to taking a bit of time off when you have kids.

Unless you have serious mental health issues that prevent you from finding employment, work is a necessary evil of life. Unless you're both willing to make those changes to your lifestyle.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by offthegrid

I hate when people say "you'll be bored". Purple, when I was unemployed for a year (I just got a job) I LOVED it and I was a lot of things but boredom was never a factor. I believe people say that to make you somehow see that you don't really want to sit at home all day. They probably mean well but it can be patronizing when I hear it.

I do not think the H is being patronizing when he says that OP might be bored. Rather, he appears extremely anxious, and that is how OP characterized his frame of mind:

"immediately gets anxious about it "we can't afford that, you'll get bored" etc. and basically refuses to let me quit my job"

I can see how a mention of boredom may be patronizing, in another context, for sure... but in this context, the guy is simply fearful - he has a wife who makes more than he does, who spent years pursuing academic degrees and professional certifications, and who all of a sudden decides that she wants to defect. And he hates his job already - he will hate it even more if he becomes the sole breadwinner, because his anxiety level would shoot up, up, up, and his work performance would go down, down, down from extreme anxiety, and he would hate his job even more for it and become even more anxious, because he would be a poorly performing sole breadwinner... not a good prospect for the H in this situation, I am afraid.

Entrepreneurship is a good idea, but should be worked on while on the job. Of course, it is difficult to combine those two pursuits, but people have been known to do that. Plus, some people who leave their places of employment on good terms later become consultants to their former employers or get leads from them or get networking help.

They also say that being active on LinkedIn helps - it would raise the visibility. I have not tried that, but am just conveying what I have read and heard from many people. Again, it takes time to build up reputation.

So going back to OP: the time Purplepearl spends surfing the web while sitting in her cubicle at work could be used participating in LinkedIn discussions that are related to her profession, or on Twitter. Using anonymous browsing for that would be recommended, as a just in case measure (I do realize that employers won't go after each employee who is browsing the web at work, but still - how difficult is it to get in the habit of browsing anonymously?). In other words, if the main idea is to eventually leave this employment and work for yourself, there is a lot of prep for working for yourself that can partially be done at work, in place of surfing the web. None of those options is easy or offers a free ride, but they are doable.

[brainhi]

I agree that when you are married or have a partner.. you have to consider the of consequences of your decision. Easier said than done - but you have to change the way you think about your job. Yes, find another way - if you plan to get out you might start feeling better. Learning to "manage" how you feel about the job or co-workers and supervisors can help & reward yourself for putting up with it! I know when it's really bad - you have to go. Good luck

[hvert]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So going back to OP: the time Purplepearl spends surfing the web while sitting in her cubicle at work could be used participating in LinkedIn discussions that are related to her profession, or on Twitter. Using anonymous browsing for that would be recommended, as a just in case measure (I do realize that employers won't go after each employee who is browsing the web at work, but still - how difficult is it to get in the habit of browsing anonymously?). In other words, if the main idea is to eventually leave this employment and work for yourself, there is a lot of prep for working for yourself that can partially be done at work, in place of surfing the web. None of those options is easy or offers a free ride, but they are doable.

Just for general interest, anonymous browsing won't prevent employers from monitoring internet activity. The data is being tracked a level above the browser/pc. Unless you are going through a proxy, it is safe to assume that all net activity is tracked and can be traced back to the machine/username you are using to access the internet.

I agree 100% that the time currently spend being bored to death in a cubicle could be put to use furthering an escape plan or taking a class (employer paid for?) that will be marketable somewhere else.

I also agree that being at home is not boring!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hvert

Just for general interest, anonymous browsing won't prevent employers from monitoring internet activity. The data is being tracked a level above the browser/pc. Unless you are going through a proxy, it is safe to assume that all net activity is tracked and can be traced back to the machine/username you are using to access the internet.

I agree 100% that the time currently spend being bored to death in a cubicle could be put to use furthering an escape plan or taking a class (employer paid for?) that will be marketable somewhere else.

I also agree that being at home is not boring!

Thanks hvert for correcting me. I generally think that employers do not spend time tracking web surfing because pretty much everybody is doing web surfing. Anonymous browsing has the benefit of not having embarrassing moments. Say, if hear your boss or coworker coming towards you, you just kill the browser instance and there are no traces. Your regular browser, in which you do the work-related activities, would not display the history of, say, posting on LinkedIn during work hours.

I should have been more clear about it. On the back end, w/o a proxy, everything is recorded.

I like the idea of taking a skills class, and the employer might provide them and in that case you do not need to worry about doing this during work hours.

OP: take a look at this site
Online video tutorials & training | lynda.com

Many employers subscribe to their service and offer Lynda classes for free as professional development. This may be fun, challenging, and useful in the longer run.

[ifst5]

As someone who's been a shut in for what...4 years, trust me, it gets boring. You can only do so much alone all day.

It just sounds like you're unfulfilled - but i wouldn't say that giving up work completely is a good idea. We all need purpose and challenges, the right sort of work can provide that.

Maybe set yourself a plan; try something new for 6 months and if that doesn't work, consider going part time. If you're still not happy, try working from home and see if that gives you something interesting to do in the safety of the home environment.

Oh, and your husband can't force you to keep your job - if he needs you to be employed so that you can continue living together you need to see it from his point of you and work something out otherwise the marriage may be jeopardized. For example, would he need to take on extra hours just so you can be at home? etc. You're entitled to do whatever you want, after all it's your life and your choices but you still have to take your marriage and personal fulfillment into consideration. Best of luck.

[Firecrystal]

What you feel isn't selfish. If your husband is looking after you and both of you are happy then there's nothing wrong with being a homemaker. Enjoy it. You're looking after the home, garden, pets (if any) and this is quite a task. There's so much pressure on women these days to have a career and in society there's a new snobbery developing towards women who choose to be a housewife. You could always work from home or baby sit for a little while if you want to produce your own income and not have to go out and earn.

[NWgirl2013]

"my husband, he immediately gets anxious about it "we can't afford that, you'll get bored" etc. and basically refuses to let me quit my job. I guess it really doesn't help that he makes about $10,000 less than I do and that he absolutely hates his job and feels like he can't get anything better. PLUS, we have quite a bit of debt from various things (mostly student loans and car payment, plus a few credit cards)."
Your question is, are you being selfish? How about this; pay off ALL your outstanding debts, and find a way to live within the means that your H can provide. Can you do that? It is the responsible thing to do.
It is asking for trouble in your marriage though if he resents this. Just sayin' ...

[kim_johnson]

I see a lot of sense in Hamster's first post. Doing something part time is HEAPS different from doing it full time. Also... Pottering about the house doing whatever YOU like to do is very different from being at home focusing on what is GOOD FOR children... I'd imagine part time work might start to feel like welcome relief from the later...

I think that given that your husband also hates his work... Sharing the work vs homemaking responsibilities might be the fairest option. Perhaps it is about trying to work your way into part time positions that you both feel happier about?

[Creamsickle]

Your husband married a woman he thought was going to contribute to the family income and now you want to quit and stay home? It sounds to me like that is taking advantage of your husband. Wouldn't we all want to stay home and let someone else take care of us and pay the bills? If you think all people who work are fulfilled and love their jobs, well I don't know them. Most of my friends work to pay bills, it's their responsibility. Even after having children work is usually necessary because life is expensive. Please think long and hard about giving up a good paying job. If you take yourself out of circulation for a few years by staying at home and then find you need the money later on you may be in for a surprise. Jobs are not easy to come by, let alone jobs that fulfill your life's dream.

[markdl]

I wish I could be a homemaker. I'm so sick of working. It's not economically possible though and it looks like I'll have to endure being in the the workforce for 10 more years before I can retire. Life is like that though, so you might have to join your husband and the rest of us in work hell and just try to make the best of it, or look for a new job. My wife has had the luxury of being a stay at home mom for the past few years since I make a half way decent living and more than she did. We've had to give up vacations like we once took and a few other luxuries since she's not been working and she's now looking to get back to work since our daughter will be in high school soon.

[Koko2]

I'd try to help your husband get his career issues straightened out, by searching for a better, higher paying job, before quitting your job. Otherwise you could wind up with both of you unemployed and carrying a debt load which wouldn't be good for a new marriage.