Has Anyone Completed or Worked On the Fourth Step?

My sponser moved away and since I don't have a solid sponser right now, she left me in the care of her 'under study', David... David is extremely dedicated to his recovery and has taught me so many things since I've known him. He felt I was ready for my Fourth Step and gave me the worksheet to do it. I've been working on it all weekend and I must say, I'm completely drained and exhausted from it. You have to be brutally honest with yourself on the worksheet and that's often times hard, having to look at yourself as who you were in the past and who you are now and what's changed, etc, etc... Also had to write down my resentments, why I'm resentful towards them, and how I can break free from those resentments... Boy, was that a hard one. I just finally completed it this morning and now that I'm done, it's such a relief and it was actually kind of like a cleansing experience. I feel more free from my burdens that held me down for so long... All my secrets are out there now and not held in. I'm loving it!

Have you worked on or completed Step Four? What was your experience with it and how did it make you feel? Has it helped you or do you feel it's harmed you? Please share!

I've completed my 4th step and I had the same experience. Relief! It was great to see that I'm not a horrible person. When I heard "charactor defects" I thought of a defective car that you take back to the dealership. But when I went through it with my sponser, I realized that a lot of my charactor defects are simply not treating myself fairly and stuff. And once I realized that things like fear prompted a lot of my behavior, now I can stop it before I start it. I do a fourth step daily. When I start seeing that I'm being greedy or fearful or full of pride, I stop it. It's helped me live an honest existence and a free one too! I'm starting to get that serenity. I still have moments for sure, but now I feel I have the tools to deal with them. I'm on step 8 but haven't started it. I just changed sponsers so we'll be starting that soon. Working the steps has been my saving grace! I'm such a better person now. If only the whole world worked the steps. What an amazing place the world would be. =)

~Rayna

Absolutely... I'll apply the things I learned from Step Four in my daily life as well. It was really a new learning experience I want to keep with me forever.

You're right, if all the world could work those steps, it'd be a better place to live. That's for sure.

The 4th step is a hard one in the begining. It really makes you look at yourself deep inside. But as time goes on, you will find out that you will be doing this on a daily basis along with all of the other steps. I use to think, hey, if I get to the 12th step and get it done then that is it. Well, like our addiction, it is a lifelong thing for us to keep doing.

Allan

i did it in al-anon. it was really, really hard.

I discovered the 7 deadly sins. My co-sponser recommended looking at them when I have a resentment when finding my part. It's helped a ton. Today I had envy, pride and lust. Once I realized that, it helped me clear up the resentment. Now I know exactly what to pray about before bed. I recommend getting to know the 7 sins well. I'm just starting and it's already helped a ton!

I'll do that, Rayna... Seems it's very helpful, heavens knows I need something to help me with my resentments. I wanna be COMPLETELY free of them, instead of partially. Ya know?

Yes, it's so amazing! I was pretty upset last night until I did some writing on what happened and saw my part. I had thought that my part would have meant that I was just an awful person, but envy? pride? Those are in everyone! It's just a matter of "feeding" it. Which is what I was doing. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person for feeling that, it just means that I have to let it go and turn it over so it doesn't manifest and drive me insane. I'm loving discovering about the human mind. Who would have thought it would take me becoming an alcoholic to understand the inner workings of my destructive thoughts!?! It's such a relief to be able to say, stop it!! To myself! And listen to myself! Haha, how freeing. I can't wait to get on to 8 and 9.

~Rayna

PS-Still haven't forgotten about the book. I'm so sorry it's taking me forever to look for it!

It's alright, no worries Rayna!

I'm so glad you've been able to mature so much in your sobriety and learn all these new things. I'm starting to learn a lot as well and I'm loving every second of it! Something you said intrigued me. "Who would have thought it would take me becoming an alcoholic to under the inner workings of my destructive thoughts!?!" That's absolutely true. I think our disease is a blessing if we choose to let it be. So wonderful!

My grand sponsor told me years ago that his alcoholism was his best asset.

I was stunned when he said that. His best asset? How could that be?

Then he told me that only by going through the pit of despair that is active alcoholism was he able to introduce himself to this power greater than himself.
He would never have gone through the effort that is required, (the steps) if not driven to it by the bottle. His disease was the key to a life second to none for him.

I see that same gift in the exchange of posts between you two. What a pleasure to start my Monday by reading your experience strength and hope shared with each other.

The Big Book is right.
To watch a fellowship grow up around you is a joy you do not want to miss.

Thank you.
Richard

Richard, it's so nice to see you posting. I enjoy every one of your posts, they always make me smile.

Your sponser hit it on the head... I don't think I ever would have saught out my Higher Power had it not been for my active addictions. I've learned so many things on this journey, things I never would have learned had I always been sober and clean.

Tomorrow will be 8 months clean for me as far as crystal and crack go... I'm excited!

Ive worked a few 4th and 5th steps because of relapses. My sponsor always had me start over. The first 4th and 5th was the hardest. It took me forever it seems. The fifth I dreaded so much but when complete, the relief was great. There are no words that can truely discribe the feeling afterwords. Each one braught relief. The first one I did hold back on one thing but let it out in the second one.
The only thing I found hurtful was being told that even with the sexual abuse we need to find our part in it. For years I tried and I tried to see it but could not. At the same time I was going to counseling and they are telling me the sexual abuse was not my fault. Then I get dx'd with DID then I'm now listening to parts of me talking about much more than I ever dreamed and I'm not wanting to believe all the crap and being told find my part in it. Arggggggg!!!!!!!!! After enough counseling with many counselors, T's what have you I am no longer looking for my part in the abuse. I can not believe that anyone could lead anyone to believe that.
The steps are wonderful tools. They helped in many ways to change my life but I pray no one will have to struggel with that. I don't blame those who taught me that but I've seen them today and they may be sober now for many years now but I wouldn't give a plug nickle for it. Oops sorry! going on too much hu?
lrks

lrks, I thought by in the fourth step the abuse part meant taking some blame for it as well, but my temp. sponser said that's not what it means... I've been sexually abused a lot in my life, and I too couldn't find how it was my fault in any way. David, my temp. sponser, said I was right to feel that way. I can't explain how he said that part of the step meant, I can't remember his exact words for it, but it wasn't your fault and that part of the step isn't intended for you to take blame for it. Wish Richard was in here right now, I'm sure he could explain it better. Richard, where are ya man?

OK, here is my take on taking responsibility for my part in things.

This taking responsibility thing pertains to me as an adult. The things that happened to me as a child, happened TO me, I didn’t bring them on myself. As a child we are NOT, I repeat NOT responsible for any part of the things that are done to us. We were children. It is the responsibility of the adults in our lives to look out for our best interests. If something bad happens to a child (abuse) it is the sole responsibility of the perpetrator, it is in no way the responsibility of the child. We have no part in it to make amends for.

That covers the child.

If we are talking about abuse that has happened to us as adults, That is another question. I don’t think it is too much of a stretch to find my part in getting drunk in a bar and being taken advantaged of. I make no excuses for the man who may have hurt you, he was dead wrong in what he did, but again, the question I need to ask is what part did I play in that sorry outcome.

Not knowing any of the details of the story, that is my take on the question.

I hope I have been of some help.
Richard

Excellent way of putting it... That's exactly how I explained it in my Step Four work. When it askes, "Am I afraid of looking at my part in the situation that caused my resentments? Why?", I put no, I'm not afraid of looking at my part... That as a child, I had no control over the abuse I endured but I did take responsibility for the abuse I took when I was high and drunk and kept blacking out during it. Why did I take responsibility for it? Because I put myself in the situation. I didn't ask for the abuse, but by putting myself there for it to happen, it was partly my fault.

One more thought on the question,
If a woman is home in bed and a rapist breaks into her room and violates her, or going home from work she is attacked in the parking lot, she played no part in that crime other than that of victim.

Not every instance of abuse as an adult, does the victim play a part in the outcome. And she should not be made to feel that she did. An open and honest relationship with a good sponsor should clear up any misconceptions about these matters.

Your friend on this road to the good stuff,
Richard

Very true... I think by that question, it means times that you could have prevented it from happening. Such as going to the bar, getting drunk, and someone takes advantage of you. Going to a party, getting drunk/high, someones there who's putting the moves on you and you're too out of it to stop it. Had you not been drinking and was in your right mind at the time, it probably wouldn't have happened. I think that's what that means by owning up to your part in the situations.

I had to confront rape in my 4th step also. I coudn't find my part. For me, I invited a guy over to the place I was housesitting because he was 21 and could by alcohol. Alcohol was my part in WHY HE WAS THERE, but the rape was not my fault. In the 5th step, we need to look at our part in the circumstances that may have led up to an event. Even if the event itself was something we had absolutely no part in, we probably played a part in the events leading up to it. My motives for inviting the guy over were completely wrong. He had broken up with me because I wouldn't sleep with him. I had no reason to even call, except I wanted to drink. That is the very beginning stages of my alcoholism. That being said, I know that I had no part in the actual event of rape, and that is a resentment I simply have to let go of, turn over, give to my higher power. I'm still not there yet. I still think of him and get the chills. I have not forgiven him, but I know someday I will. Also, with every resentment, I see a lesson. For me, there is a "red flag" now, when it comes to being alone with a man. What are my motives? Do I trust him? What does my gut say? Yes, it is awful that it happened, and it has caused me serious issues, those issues being the reason I came here. But luckily I've learned from the experience. Wow, just in discussing this here, I have seen more then I did not 2 minutes ago. I've taught myself something here. Resentments can teach us valuable lessons on how to handle situations in the future. By working the 5th step on our 4th step, we can see patterns and signals that will trigger us in the future to do the next right thing. My sponser tried getting me to see that, and I thought it I did, but not clearly until typing it here. Thanks guys!

~Rayna

Congrats on finding something new to learn from! It's always a huge blessing to learn new things in this life, especially learning something positive about negative events in our life. Kudos to you for being so open to learn.

This has been good thread. Has given me a lot to think about.
lrks

(((((lrks)))))

If it's helped one person or encouraged one person, then it was worth making.

I told my friend today right before a speaker meeting, that when it comes time to tell my story, that it sounds like it pales in comparison to what so many so many others have gone through, since I am a high bottom drunk. She said, even in a room full of 500, as long as one person can relate and benefits from your message, you made a difference. I'm gonna try to remember that. Every post in this forum teaches me something everytime I come in here. I love you guys!

~Rayna

We love you too, Rayna! And you do make a difference with your intelligent posts. (((((Rayna)))))

When I first started treatment, I often times thought to myself, "Well I'm not as bad off as this person is. She's way worse than I ever was." But then I paused and thought to myself, "Wait a minute, just because I didn't get THAT far, doesn't mean I can't or won't get that far in my addiction if I let it continue to progress." So always remember, it doesn't matter who did what and where in their addiction, the one thing that binds us together is we're all addicts and if we didn't stop using or we pick back up, we can be worse off than someone else.

Rayna…
I never fail to read your posts. People like you and Bama make my day.
Stay on the path you are on, and it just gets better and better. You’ll see.

As to the question of how bad your personal bottom was, it doesn’t really matter. I have heard people say that in their early sobriety, they would hear horror stories about living under bridges, and they seemingly had nothing to relate to. Almost without a doubt, there will be a woman in that speaker meeting thinking to her self that she isn’t that bad. Maybe she has made too big a deal out of this thing. She never held a cardboard sign on a street corner. She NEEDS to hear your story. She needs to know that she can get off the elevator where she is.

Rayna, we are all teachers all the time. Your story is supposed to be heard by someone you may never meet personally. Your job is to plant the seed of hope. Where and when it sprouts is the job of this power greater than ourselves.

On the road to the good stuff,
Richard

Well, my sponser started me on Step Five this evening... Worked on it a little but haven't really gotten deep into it yet. Hoping it goes well.

Hope all of you are doing well also.