bama

Where you been girl? How's it goin? You know us alcoholics are pesky and need to know where our friends are....so I wanna know......so post something k?

Life has been hectic lately. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days I wonder what the hell is going on. Me and the boyfriend broke up, I'm still using, and just found out recently that my sister has HIV, which she contracted through sharing needles with people. I haven't posted much lately because I'm ashamed, really. I was just using once or twice a week but since Justin and me broke up and I found out about my sister, I've started smoking and snorting dope like it's nothing everyday. I haven't been to an NA meeting or my IOP aftercare group in over a week and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry myself into nothingness.

So tired of this life right now. They say things have to get worse before they get better sometimes. Well, it's about at that worst place. Time to start getting better.

Thank you for being concerned, Rayna. ((((( Rayna ))))) You're a beautiful soul. I really do look up to you.

{ { { { Stacy } } } }



Petunia

I'm sorry to hear about all of that, bama. I hope you get help soon, since you seem to recognize that you need it.

Best of luck
LMo

thanks for replying bama....just glad to know you're alive. keep us updated k?

~rayna

((((( Petunia, LMo, Rayna )))))

I know I need help, yes. But right now, with as much stress as I'm under, I really don't see myself quitting. I know stress is no excuse to keep using and I'm not using it as an excuse. I just know me and know that when I'm under stress, I cave.

My birthday is today and I already know what's happening for my birthday weekend. Getting high and staying high all weekend. It's not as fun as it once was. Now I do it more because I feel I can't go without it and that really sucks.

Bama, let me tell you a short story and then you may be able to see why I am the way I am today. About 1 week ago, a lady I was engaged to but it was broken off, died from drugs. This hit me hard but at the same time I knew it was coming. We had been split up over 3 years now. I knew it was going to happen just not knowing when. Bama, when I try and reach out to help people, I look at it as a do or die situation, which is what it really is. Like with my ex. Maybe I may seem cold towards others and have no heart towards people suffering, but I do care about them and will do all I can to help them. But I do NOT beat around the bush. Time may be to short to take the time to do things the neat way. Do or die is the way I see it. I try my hardest with people knowing that their time may be coming close to an end. A life is to good to waiste. So I come across blunt and to the point and say what is on my mind, in my prayers hoping some will listen before they too end up like my ex. This is no game I play. It is real life. The odds are high and what is at steak is your life. I know by all means how hard it was fo me to quit. Somehow, by God's Grace, He kept me alive maybe to be able to help others. But I do not want to have to see if others have that long to wait. It is to risky for me to take the chance. That is why I am so upfront in what I say to someone who wants help. Please remember I care about you and you are on my list.

Allan

I'm still using, and just found out recently that my sister has HIV, which she contracted through sharing needles with people.

How long ago was it that your brother died from drugs, Stacy?

I won't be able to post much more about this, bama. It is too triggering for me. The helplessness of watching people I care about kill themselves is not in my best interest right now.

Your situation brings up so much pain for me, not only because it is almost the exact replica of my past, but because I care about you and don't want you to die. I can't tell you how many times I have said those words.

Happy birthday, may you live to see many more.

Petunia

I understand, Allan. You don't come off harsh to me, I know you say what you do because you care and I thank you for that.

Petunia, it was almost 8 years ago when he died.

I was informed by my sister after she found out she had HIV that she was not going to quit using. Her exact words were, "If I'm dieing, I'm dieing high.", that bothers me. I know I'm still using (smoking and snorting;scared sh*tless of needles), but if something that tramatic happened to me, I think I'd take a look around me and realize I need to quit for good. But I know it's easier said than done. all I can do is love her and try to be there for her.

BAMA..How sad please work on this so you will be around

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
BamaSurvivor said:
if something that tramatic happened to me, I think I'd take a look around me and realize I need to quit for good.

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Bama, something that traumatic HAS ALREADY happened to you. Why would it take being "too late" to quit? Wouldn't you rather make the push to quit BEFORE it's too late?

I really, really REALLY hope you can find the strength to pull yourself together to get treatment. I think it's worth putting yourself in debt over -- you're not going to be able to "save up" for treatment at the rate you're going. The sooner you get treatment, the sooner your life will be back on track.

An oldtimer at my homegroup says that relapsing is like a game of rushian roulette. You never know when the bullet will be in the chamber. You never know when you go out again, which time may be your last time. Everyone knows they can go back to meetings and get a pat on the back and a welcome back. So many people go back out because they "think" they can always go back to sobriety. But what if the bullet is in the next hit of meth? You're playing rushian roulette, and the next pull of the trigger may be your last. Is getting a fatal disease what it's gonna take? Like you said, maybe that would be the way of making you take a look at your life. I don't think I can say anymore on this issue. I don't want to believe you're a lost cause. I haven't experienced that in my own groups yet. So I don't know how to. I'm gonna quit posting on this thread, but before I do, I just want to say that I hope you get the smack upside the head that makes you come back.

~Rayna

Several tramatic events happened to me due to my using in the past, including a disease I'll live with for the rest of my life, but HIV hasn't happened to me but now that y'all speak of it, I dont want it to go that far before I make a change. I think God is preparing me for recovery again. He knows I can't do it on my own so he'd doing it for me. The friends I have are all starting to move away. The ones that use and truely, if they weren't around, I wouldn't use. Why? Because I hate getting high alone. It makes me extremely depressed. I think God knows this so he's slowly moving them all out of my life. Two is moving to GA, one is moving up north, one is going to rehab, and one has went crazy from the dope and has ran off and hasn't been found. I really do believe this is a sign from the Man up above letting me know it's time for me to start over.

I don't want to be a junkie, I don't want to die by the pipe. I want to die knowing I was a good person and did what I could to get and stay clean and help others do the same. It's about time I push the dope out and let God back in. So tired of this lifestyle. They say if you have to lie to cover up something, you shouldn't be doing it and that's your sign that you shouldn't be doing it. Well, I've been having to lie repeatedly to my mom about my drug usage and the people I hang around. She knows I've used some, but she doesn't know the extremes of it nor does she know my "best friend" is a dope dealer so I get all the dope I want for free. So it's time I come clean with her and start over. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's got to stop.

I want to clarify something right quick. I made it seem like I was blaming the people I hang around for me using. That's not what I meant. I meant I'm not a good "alone user". I use much more when around others because there's more there to use and it's just funner that way. It's still ultimately my choice to use, not theirs.

bama,
I am glad that you have come to this point. I know what you are saying. I am here for you ok ?

I'm not saying I'm going to remain clean for the rest of my life, hell, I may not make it through the week clean. But I am saying I am tired of this lifestyle and I am truely going to put forth the effort to get clean again. I haven't even really been trying that much and have stopped going to meetings and everything. I'm fixing to start back. May even try rounding up the money to get in treatment.

My sister overdosed yesterday and has been put in detox for 3 days, after the 3 days are up they have to let her go since she won't sign to stay in treatment for 28 days. I do NOT want to end up in her position. Gotta stop it before it gets there.