[roads]

Depression takes your memory, tokiwartooth. You can talk to members on the phone and mainly remember no drinking. Slow and easy one day at a time.

[gma45]

I don't know who I am anymore. going through these changes, I hope I don't get too lost.

[madisgram]

toki many of us had triggers and mine were tons of it in early sobriety. seeing a liquor add in a magazine made me salivate. reading, which i loved, i found every book described someone drinking scotch-my drink. so i couldn't read either. slow and easy, stay in today, go to meetings and time will heal all.

[madisgram]

gma, you will discover yourself the longer you are sober. not to worry. we've all been there. you won't get lost. instead you'll find yourself!

[tokiwartooth]

The weather is good enough that I can go out now. I'll go to my 7pm meeting tonight. I've been going good so far, one day at a time.

[roads]

One day ...
---–

[shortandcute]

hi everyone! i am a recovering alcoholic. i am also recovering from sex addiction, a food addict, and a "debt'' addict. i am checking in because i am going to put my thursday nite meetings on hold for a while; i go to five other meetings a week (the thursday nites would make it six). plus i go to mental health 2x a week--on tuesdays i see my case manager and thursdays i have group therapy. plus, i also check in with my psychiatrist on the first monday of the month.

[beauflow]

Even though so much has been going on--- I have not visited my old buds or pals.

At the same time I am glad and whohoo for myself for this
On another side of me, with how I have been it is like why not due i feel like I am on drugs with how my emotions have been

but as always-- I Do Remind My Self-- that even if I feel as if I am on drugs with the emotional roller coaster, that the drugs and alcohol will make it worse. it will nto solve anything, and lets hope that the duration is not as long if i were using.

Still visit and sit with my friendly cigs though, but one day -- they will be an ex-bud like the rest.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm ok today, I'm moving and I need boxes and my family is like, hey go to the liquor store and get some! I mean seriously?? Come on folks, that's the LAST place I need to be going. I'll check with McDonald's and Waffle House...

[johnf22881]

A week without power and I am going absolutely crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, still sober through all this ish. Hope everyone else is doing good right now!

[carrie_ann]

48 hrs (this time) without a drink, tho it feels like longer, and even tho my liver hurts tonite, my stupid head still wants a drink.

[RA1N130W]

I haven't the patience or time to read through every post. This is my first on this thread. I'm trying. I'm drunk as I type. I'm sorry if this is triggering. Proceed with caution.

I've overcome so much. I've beat addictions to numerous drugs & now my final battle lies with alcohol. I'm terrifying myself. I can't go more than 2 days without drinking. It's basically an everyday thing for me. I was IP 2 weeks ago because I had recurring suicidal plans. Overwhelming thoughts that brought me to a panic, mostly when I was drunk. Yet I can't stop drinking. The thoughts are there when I'm sober, but I can fight off the urges every time.

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post such a thing. But I'm trying desperately to remain sober. I have regular OP meetings with recovery centers & therapists. But nothing seems to be helping. My most recent appointment revealed that I'm a qualified candidate for a 28 day IP rehab program. That really terrifies me more than anything. But I still can't stop. Can anyone help me? Give me any advice? I'm seriously desperate at this point. I want nothing more than to stop, but I just can't seem to now matter what I do. After re-reading my post, that last sentence bring tears to my eyes. How can I be unable to do something that I want so bad? I'm not trying to be a drama queen, but please, someone help me please.

[roads]

I wasn't able to stop 31 yrs ago ... Just couldn't no matter what I did or how much pain I was in or what it had cost me and was still costing me ...

I checked myself into a 28-day program at a California program for, well, lost causes mostly. I was that, certainly.

I ended up staying 45 days. They were afraid to leet me leave sooner.

But it worked. Essentially, it worked. I've had some slips, and one real bad smashing fall. But I've always come back to sobriety immediately.

You can do this, rain130w. You can. Take the first step and never give up. Use the program, add a site like PC as part of a support system, and just keep building a network so there is ALWAYS somewhere/someone for you to turn to for help. Never believe you have to do this alone.

Welcome to PsychCentral.

Roadie

[tokiwartooth]

I garnered help from family members to help me finish packing and lugging the stuff over to the apartment. I'm ok today other than it being cold and crappy outside and I have to work outside again today. My stomach hurts bc I ate something that didn't agree with me, but I have no idea what it was. I will be two months sober on the 17th.

[tokiwartooth]

Had dreams last night about drinking. That was really hard to wake up to. Made me want a drink so bad that at like 3am I woke up and I was really craving one, and I forced myself to go back to sleep.

[notz]

Now's a good time to go to a meeting and share.

[tokiwartooth]

I woke up crying again. I had a dream about him and I started crying in my dream and I woke up like that. It was horrible. I've been so depressed since yesterday. I went to a church dinner and I had to fight the urge to leave. Free food is free food, and it was good food. I get like this and I just feel like the people around me are so fake and phony and they're all against me and just talk to me because they have to. I stayed quiet the whole dinner and mainly played games on my phone. I didn't have the energy to start any conversations. I still feel that way today.

[cookfan56]

Originally Posted by tokiwartooth

I woke up crying again. I had a dream about him and I started crying in my dream and I woke up like that. It was horrible. I've been so depressed since yesterday. I went to a church dinner and I had to fight the urge to leave. Free food is free food, and it was good food. I get like this and I just feel like the people around me are so fake and phony and they're all against me and just talk to me because they have to. I stayed quiet the whole dinner and mainly played games on my phone. I didn't have the energy to start any conversations. I still feel that way today.

Toki -- it seems you are having some powerfully emotional dreams. Drinking, and then the ex (?) I still have dreams of an ex that I was with over 25 years ago! Dreams out of nowhere. And I have been married to the same guy (not the guy from the dream) for 25 years. Thank God I no longer have drinking dreams often, but I had one a couple months ago. I dreamt that I was hiding bottles all over my house, I had tremendous guilt, then I was caught. Man, I hate those dreams.

Now really is a good time to go to a meeting and share. I also know what it's like to be in social situations and feel like you can't talk or anything. That's how I feel when my social anxiety and depression are very bad. But put one foot in front of the other. When your depression makes it impossible to go to thiings like church functions, then make your only priority getting to a meeting. And doing the bare minimum at home, while also engaging in positive behaviors to try to feel better.

Don't give up on yourself! We are all very valuable.

[tokiwartooth]

Originally Posted by cookfan56

Toki -- it seems you are having some powerfully emotional dreams. Drinking, and then the ex (?) I still have dreams of an ex that I was with over 25 years ago! Dreams out of nowhere. And I have been married to the same guy (not the guy from the dream) for 25 years. Thank God I no longer have drinking dreams often, but I had one a couple months ago. I dreamt that I was hiding bottles all over my house, I had tremendous guilt, then I was caught. Man, I hate those dreams.

Now really is a good time to go to a meeting and share. I also know what it's like to be in social situations and feel like you can't talk or anything. That's how I feel when my social anxiety and depression are very bad. But put one foot in front of the other. When your depression makes it impossible to go to thiings like church functions, then make your only priority getting to a meeting. And doing the bare minimum at home, while also engaging in positive behaviors to try to feel better.

Don't give up on yourself! We are all very valuable.

Unfortunately he is not an ex, or someone I've ever had. He's someone I used to work with that I fell for. He's married. He's 18 years older than me. I used to get to see him every day, now I have to force myself to stay away from seeing him. I haven't gone to see him in over 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself. But the dreams are really getting to me. I'm not safe when I sleep, this stuff makes its way into my dreams. I have dreams a lot where I'm looking for him, continually searching, sometimes throughout the whole night's dreaming, and I never find him. Or if I do find him, I just hold him and cry. I don't remember my dreams last night, but I don't think I dreamt of him last night.

[roads]

Forbidden loves are often the ones that draw us the most strongly. It hardly matters whether you've had a relationship in a physical sense or not--anyone who's occupied your desires this completely is someone you've been in a relationship with ... even if he hasn't been in a relationship with you.
If in fact you didn't dream about him last night, that would be good. It's much harder to break off with this sort of involvement, because you don't see this fellow as a real guy with problems and weaknesses.
We can direct our dreams if we focus on them. Try images of sending him away from you, out of your home, locking him out (& meaning it) before going to sleep. Replay dreams in which he's appeared, and change them by making him leave those dreams.
Just a suggestion. They won't work though unless you truly want him out of your life and mind.

[thickntired]

I said I was going to quit then I broke down and bought some. I feel like a hypocrite with a major lack of self control.

[roads]

Cigarette smoking is notorious for being among the most difficult addictions to break--so don't waste time beating up on yourself!

Some studies (I think I remember this right) say it's easier to stop using crack cocaine than cigarettes.

A powerful, personal motivation for stopping worked for me: My dad had Alzheimer's, & his doctor said I couldn't have him live with me as long as I smoked. He had respiratory and heart problems and no, my smoking outside wasn't good enough--there'd be smoke on my clothes and on me. Either I quit smoking or my dad went to an Alzheimer's unit.

You'd have to know our family's dynamics to understand the rock and hard place I was between. My mom had just died suddenly in Florida, my dad had been with her for 62 yrs, I lived in California & am the only child. Stick him in a "home" & go back to my life?

It was easier to quit smoking.

Otherwise, I had expected to die a smoker--& die from smoking, probably. But I couldn't imagine how I could quit. It had too strong a hold ... much stronger than alcohol, which took in-patient rehab and AA to get me off of.

That you're really trying to stop is wonderful. Keep trying. Find powerful motivators. Use this place, they people here who have quit and are trying to.
* hugs galore *

Roadie

[notz]

This January will be 15 years since I stopped smoking. Hardest thing I've ever done. Ain't no picnic. I remember what Roadie mentioned, harder to stop cigarettes than crack.

There's lots to read in the Smoking Cessation part of Addictions. It might help to see what others have to say.

[madisgram]

the e-cig is a good option when you're quitting. you get the oral satisfaction but no tar, etc. just a harmless "smoke" also. gradually taper off or do what i did-made a decision to stop at the end of the carton. bought the patch and put it on at the end of the carton. lots of tootsie roll pops helped too with the oral fixation. but first i needed to be committed to stop. no negotiation. it's like alcohol. one drink is not enough. when you decide to quit drinking it can be the difference in one's success.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by RA1N130W

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post such a thing. But I'm trying desperately to remain sober. I have regular OP meetings with recovery centers & therapists. But nothing seems to be helping. My most recent appointment revealed that I'm a qualified candidate for a 28 day IP rehab program. That really terrifies me more than anything. But I still can't stop. Can anyone help me? Give me any advice? I'm seriously desperate at this point. I want nothing more than to stop, but I just can't seem to now matter what I do. After re-reading my post, that last sentence bring tears to my eyes. How can I be unable to do something that I want so bad? I'm not trying to be a drama queen, but please, someone help me please.

having the desire to quit is a necessary step for success. now the committment to stop. that can be challenging but done. keep no booze in the house. make a list. draw a line down the middle. one column title "benefits of not drinking". the other "what does alcohol provide to me in my life". the first one will be short at first. alcohol has shackled you in a viscious destructive pattern. when i did the second column some things i wrote down...
can't be with others cause i don't want for them to know how much i drink. thus a negative-lonely and social isolation.

throwing up bile. certainly not something i enjoyed doing each day.

anxiety and panic attacks created by drinking alcohol.

no choices. alcohol dictated my every moment. thus no freedom.

depression. alcohol is a depressant.

no will to live YET i wanted to live.

no bath, no food for many days at a time. YUCK.

numbs my emotions so i don't have to feel emotional pain.

hope this helps. i re-read my list(s) every time i wanted to drink. many readings! went to AA to learn how they did what i felt i couldn't master.
been sober 23 years so these and other things help me stay sober.
we're here for you. i'm so glad you posted.