[Elvisfan]

Hi I am new to this site. Good I found a forum to post on I am in recovery been sober 1 year and 3 months Thanks for reading my post, One Day At A Time

My friend from AA took me out to breakfast yesterday. He's not a sponsor per se, but he was celebrating his one year when I started going to AA locally; really we're more compadres than anything else-both fish, do carpentry, are raving liberals. We didn't plan it that way but a lot of the talk was about strategies to deal with drinking that goes on all around us. Over the holidays he had faced down a few opportunities with flying colors. He also had a 30 yr high school reunion recently and apparently the jello shots were flying there but he managed to get by quite comfortably.

I'm on the eve of a longish trip and the talk made me wonder how I'll cope on the warm island I'm headed for. Her family drinks and it's best to have a good excuse that will make sense there. It is not enough to say, I don't drink, as they say here in the States. It would confuse, possibly offend and I don't want to be constantly explaining myself. I know that some AA vets here would probably wag their heads at this thinking but I wonder if it's easier to share a few glasses of beer. Right now, my plan is not to touch the stuff but I just have to formulate a good strategy. No one here should confuse my pragmatism with a desire to drink; I am without any of the cravings that have intermittently plagued me for the last 2-3 years. And I successfully returned from this place less than a year ago with my head intact.

I'm going to throw out old notions of what a vacation means and work on new notions of me. I wish each and all another 24 hrs respite from the madness that drinking can become. Every new day is another great opportunity to put oneself further and further away from this.

.....alright...I am not at my best, I feel like crap. I don't know why.
I feel like drinking...
even as I wrote that I gave it damn good consideration for about 2 serious minutes.
I am still giving it consideration.
there is a vague list of 'non drinking gratitudes' drifting around in the background.
more specific to me right now is a cynicism...and it goes something like this.:

I am so grateful my freakin' brain has just malfunctioned today!
I am so grateful this causes a pressure to build up in my head!
I am so grateful the stress I feel opens up portals of thought sending my consciousness into places I don't recognise and they hurt!
I am so grateful I don't have a flippin' idea how to get back from these places!
I am so grateful that the antidote for my stress has no bloody antidote for itself except not using it to begin with!
I am so grateful for how pathetic I reckon I feel!
I am so grateful that I hate my mind today!

I guess throwing cynicism at cynicism...I can say I am so grateful that I can't be bothered adding to that list!

I really want a drink....or many.
but to hell with that at the moment.
there is nuthin' goin' on here apart from that I won't do it.

no tricks...no magic...no reasons.
defiance maybe...doesn't matter...who cares?

I wake up sober tomorrow

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

there is nuthin' goin' on here apart from that I won't do it.

no tricks...no magic...no reasons.
defiance maybe...doesn't matter...who cares?

I wake up sober tomorrow

That's what we all want to hear and hope for, buddy. You can do this, you can. And I believe you WILL wake up sober tomorrow. And when you do, I hope to god you give yourself a huge pat on the back, because you deserve it One more day sober.

Yeah, I'm worried about you, mate. And feel helpless. XO

I lost a close friend from my teenage years to a tragic car accident this last weekend. He was a really good guy, I'll miss him. I had a good morning. I was able to accomplish some chores around the house. I don't have the compulsion to use today and I haven't thought about cigs either. I ate some jelly beans and drank some flavored milk on a public bench earlier. That is my idea of fun.

[gma45]

I am awake, checking in. I need clarity today. Not understanding how to cope. Is there any hope for someone that has been dealing with things wrong all my life? Is it to late?

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by gma45

I am awake, checking in. I need clarity today. Not understanding how to cope. Is there any hope for someone that has been dealing with things wrong all my life? Is it to late?

It's never too late. Dealing with one thing at a time is a lot easier than trying to tackle everything, which gets overwhelming.

How to cope depends on what you're coping with. One day at a time is common advice, but good advice.

Hang in there...

...well my mental state is not as much a disaster as what it was the day before today!

In fact it is kinda' un-remarkable.

I wonder what the day after today will be like?

I certainly aint no recovery poster-boy!

but I qualify for sobriety...
I refused to drink again

This check-in is a good thing, I'm not knocking it. But I'm effing resentful that I've gotten myself in this effed-up position. It was not my plan, it was not me. And yet, here I am, all sobered up. It's a Pyrrhic victory, I tell you. *

*Gone for the next 1.5 months....wishing all of you a dizzying succession of 24 hrs of sobriety.

I feel good today. I slept OK last night. I did some work this morning around the house. I don't feel the compulsion to use today, so far. I might have a snack downtown and then go home and practice the guitar or read or watch television, till it is time to work tonight.

[AniManiac]

Pdoc is cutting me 2 more weeks of slack on the urine test so that I'll have 4 weeks clean. I'm still worried about coming back positive because of high body fat percentage and long-term use. But there's nothing I can do but keep up on fluids and stay sober. They're very happy that I've decided to give up alcohol at least until everything else is stabilized.

Overall feeling pretty stable for the moment, which means I have no real urge to use. I don't really mind being functional in the evenings instead of wasted - getting a lot more knitting done. Occasionally still wishing I could get stoned to loosen up on writing, but I can get more done when I'm sober even if I have to work at it a bit more.

...,some days are easy even breezy!

I carried an unhelpful attitude around with me for a couple of days there...
and I didn't do the drinkin' thing.

I guess this must activate some kinda' personal karma because the attitude faded and I got a free ride today...

I will only briefly entertain my curiosity...I wonder did the unhelpful attitude cause the urge to drink?
...or did the urge to drink cause the unhelpful attitude....leading again to the urge to drink? unfortunately I must leave solving this riddle for another time...despite it being so really really really interesting...bleh!

...and a gift from my more favourable synapse activity?
and my first sincere candidate for my gratitude list!

1: A wonderful result of sobriety is waking up in the morning without the 'horrors'....without regrets, and without the out of control need to get out of that crap headspace with more drink.

[gma45]

Hi, Just checking in today....I have found that being sober I am more creative when all this time I thought it was the other way around. I have finished two necklaces and am almost finished with a forth. YA ME! I feel so much better being able to remember more so much of my life is a blank. Hope everyone has a great day!

I slept so-so last night. I took my wife to dialysis early this morning, around 5:30 am, and tried to sleep afterwards but wasn't successful. I rested my body and mind though. I walked the dog. I read on in a book I've been reading. I bought a breakfast sandwich and newspaper downtown. The weather is nice today, high 20s and sunny with little wind, and it was pleasant walking to the stores and back. I will pick up my wife at dialysis at around noon. I will, hopefully, get some housework done and practice my guitar. I pick up my step-son after school and then off to work. It might sound like a lot, but I enjoy my life and am very grateful for all that the universe has given me. I enjoy giving back, too. I don't feel the compulsion to use substances today. Not just because I don't want to endure the consequences, but also because I don't want to mess up the goodness in my life currently. I never really enjoyed using "that" much anyway. Feeling physicly sick and tired and being broke and despised by many people whose opinions I now value, wasn't anything I would recomend or want to repeat. I can only stay clean today, tomorow will bring new challenges, I'm certain of that. Thanks...

.....might try for the number 2 on my list

2: when I resist drinking on a bad day, the urge is barely there on a day thats not so bad.....making it a good day.

or as I sometimes say in 'Aussie speak'....a much betterer' day!

..sober

[AniManiac]

Sleep keeps getting worse and worse without the pot and alcohol. This freaks me out because I'm afraid it will trigger a mood swing.

I think most of it is due to stress. I can't relax if I try. Even though I'm feeling mostly OK and functional, I'm under so much stress right now that I have headaches every day and my neck/shoulders are constantly painful from tension. And the weird, weird dreams. Ugh. I really don't like this.

But hey, I'm sober, so it doesn't really matter how wrecked I am, right?

I slept alright last night. I got some housework done. I listened to national public radio for a while. I had some breakfast and coffee. I walked downtown in the snow, I enjoyed that. I amgoing to go to the grocery store later for a few things. My dr canceled today(shucks) I kinda needed to talk, but I'll get by. I need to take my wife to a dr appointment later, I'll have to drive in this snow, but I am accustomed to that. Might get the night off from work tonight. I could use the rest, actually. I'm a little worried about some stuff but I am coping OK. I haven't used today and I'm not planning on using either. I feel physicly healthy and I am grateful for that. I have a little disposable income, I am grateful for that. My wife loves me and I love her, I am grateful for that. My relationship with my step-son has improved a lot from 6 months ago, I am grateful for that. I am hopeful for the future today. This is the Day that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Amen.

[madisgram]

animaniac i had the same symptom re sleep initially. it's because one's body is used to that way of self medicating. i was told, no one ever died from lack of sleep-found out later they can, but at the time the other mentioned info did help me be patient. it took about a month of no sleep and i still recall the glory of my first non-medicated night of sleep- 22 yrs. ago when i got sober.
hope this helps.

....today's alcoholic scoreboard reads:

monkey... 1 big point!

drinks..... zip, zero, nadda points!

and the crowd goes wild...hehe

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by madisgram

animaniac i had the same symptom re sleep initially. it's because one's body is used to that way of self medicating. i was told, no one ever died from lack of sleep-found out later they can, but at the time the other mentioned info did help me be patient. it took about a month of no sleep and i still recall the glory of my first non-medicated night of sleep- 22 yrs. ago when i got sober.
hope this helps.

Thanks.

I think a lot of it is that using messes up your sleep patterns. It takes awhile to get them back to normal, but I have no idea how long. I'm pretty sure I've been clean long enough that it shouldn't be affecting my sleep patterns anymore. But I'm exhausted all the time and feel like my sleep quality is terrible (although all my tracking thingies tell me that it's not really changed.)

The other thing is that when I was using, I had pretty much dreamless sleep. Now I have these incredibly vivid and often overwhelmingly emotional or distressing dreams every night. I always remember them; I can remember scenes in full detail and they trigger the same emotional response. I wake up in the middle of the night crying sometimes, and when I wake in the morning there are residual emotional after-effects. Often the content of the dreams is stuff that's easily interpretable, e.g. last night it was all about work/life balance and the guilt from not keeping up on domestic responsibilities, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. It makes me not want to sleep at all, which is not a good response either because it makes me hypomanic.

I don't know what to make of this. I guess I'll talk to my therapist about it some more next week.

I slept soundly last night, though I had to wake up at 5:15 am, having gone to bed at 11ish pm. It feels good to have slept soundly, its been a while since that has happened. I bought a newspaper this morning and had a fun conversation with the clerk, whom I see and talk to frequently. He is an Iraq war combat vet and he is, I believe, PTSD. He can laugh and smile, currently, but he is a substance abuser also as well as promiscuous. He has some crazy ideas about things, but I just attribute them to impulsive venting, nothing dangerous. After the Vietnam war, I would listen to vets talk about nothing many times. They were very appreciative to have someone, anyone, just listen. Boy, do we live in a cruel world, right now. I haven't used today and I have no plans to either. I spent some time with my step-son this morning. I think it was quality time for us both. Today is friday so after work tonight, I have a couple days off. YAY! It is not much, but it gives me something to look forward to. I'll take it for sure. I will likely read some later and practice my guitar also. I'll get some housework done also. Thanks for the day, God, higher power, whatever.

[Hearty]

Rode out yet another storm that ripped up my center for the last two days. "Tough as nails" he said...I don't know, but I got through it without inflicting myself with more bs. I know another storm will be moving through soon, but for now the sun's out and the world seems full of possibilities. Sitting in my favorite velvet chair, I'm calmly paying bills and prepping for a weekend race with new friends. There's so much I want to do when I'm well...uni, business ventures, fundraising for animals, April in Paris...and other beautiful things.

....got an adrenaline rush when I drove past the bottle shop today...Freaky!
I was going to say "my" bottle shop just then...hehehaha..thats even Freakier!
it's not my bottle shop....how ridiculous...but isn't it weird that when drinking or using there is an ownership about certain things...?

not 'the' pub.......but "my" pub
not 'a' dealer......but "my" dealer
not a 'type' of beer....but "my" beer
and so on..

not 'a' total screwed up mess....but "my" total screwed up mess.

geez I better be careful I am sounding suspiciously like a cocky non- drinking alco!
but seriously I got that adrenaline rush that was previously only allocated for 'uppers'...stimulants and that and if you have used them then you would know. And I was just driving past minding my own business.

So the little drunk monkey was using shock tactics today. Adrenaline is a sneaky move...but I dealt with it.

...sober

[AniManiac]

Staying sober has gotten downright easy, except for the dreams. I really want to shut them off. I'll talk to my therapist about it, but after so many years of hardly ever dreaming, the sudden return of vivid emotional dreams is really overwhelming.

I performed my guitar today for a group of folk at a martial arts training facility that my step-son attends. It was well received and I feel good about my perfomance also. I had breakfast with my mom this morning. We had a good conversation, as usual. I am grateful our relationship has improved form where it had been for a long time. My step-son is in good spirits today, that always makes me feel good. My wife works tonight and she enjoys that. I will go to a Narcotics anonymous meeting tonight. I enjoy those meetings. I feel healthy and my mood is manageable, leaning toward good. No using thought so far, except that my favorite brand of cigs were on sale at the local store earlier today. I resisted the urge easily though. I did relive a drag on them though. Definately not the time, nor the place. Just for today...