don't deserve love

I'm new here so maybe someone else has already written about a problem similar to mine?

I've been trying to analyze why I constantly worry that I will lose the people I love. I regularly call my family just to check if they are still alive. I don't tell them that, I pretend to just call to chat - but I actually can't wait for the morning to come when I can finally make a call at some decent time and make sure everything is ok. Every goodbye, even when my husband goes to work in the morning I think it may be the last time I see him... What to speek of going away on a longer trip. And so on.
After some digging I 've found that the reason why I'd lose them is that I DESERVE to lose them because i deserve to be PUNISHED. And this is where it becomes silly: I do believe all human beings deserve love, and God (or whatever you call him) is not a cosmic punisher, and I have never actually DONE anything that would objectively make me hate or blame myself. But I do. So the fear is only a side effect, selfhate is the problem. But I can't figure where is comes from or why. Like everyone is worthy only me not. My intelligence tells me this doesn't make sense, I'm not that special after all. But there's this disgust I can't get rid of.
Anyone with a similar problem or an idea please??

I would go see a counselor/therapist and explore where you got the idea that you deserve to lose your loved ones from. I think usually someone "told" or implied that to us when we were very young; maybe your mother or father believed it and you learned it from them or maybe someone lost someone or something and you thought, "they deserved that loss" and are now punishing yourself for that "horrible" thought.

When I have a thought I know is wrong, I just do the opposite and operate as I would want to if I didn't have the thought. Sometimes the thought lessens because I'm not paying attention to it and other times I decide it doesn't really influence my life much so I just go "along" with it (kind of like you have) and, over time, start making fun of it. Carry the thought to logical extremes and see where it takes you; what would you "do" if you lost your husband (I'm afraid I would have trouble understanding our complicated finances so I work now to understand them better/work out a plan on how I would go about working with them that would be okay for me)? "Play" with your fears and see if you can come up with routines for yourself that lessens their impact.

When i read this I thought wow it sounds very similar to what I'm going through. I don't like myself very much and feel that if someone is nice to me it is not normal. When I saw my therapist this week I told her that when I met my husband I expected him to be mean to me but he wasn't he was nice. I felt I didn't deserve it and wanted him to treat me meanly. I would sometimes go out of my way to try to get him to be mean to me because I felt that is what I deserved. My therapist told me I am aware of it now because I wasn't aware of it then that it is progress.
Maybe know that you are aware of it you can work on changing your way of thinking which I know is difficult but I think the more we are aware the more we can practice a different way of thinking.
I am deathly afraid of losing my loved ones and when my husband goes to work i feel so lonely because what if he doesn't come home. So i try to keep myself occupied or call a friend and sometimes go to my support groups which seem to help. It doesn't always but I try anyhow and thats how I am trying to cope right now. Hope this helps and if not I do understand

Hi ((((((sycorax))))) I can relate. I also have many fears about losing my loved ones. I did lose my Dad 3 years ago and that made my fears worse. Since his death I have become very preoccupied with health issues, including my own mortality. But, as you say here, I also worry about accidents and such.

With me personally, it's not that I feel I deserve to be punished, it's more just a realization that life is very fragile and that terrible things really do happen to people all the time. Of course, many good things happen to people too, but because I'm naturally anxious, my fearful mind tends to dwell on the negative and I often take these thoughts to an extreme. I also find that I worry much more when I'm run down or overtired. So it's important to try and take care of yourself physically too.

Given that life is so uncertain, I think all we can really do is try and appreciate what we've got while we've got it. I know this is way easier said than done, but if you think about it, by worrying about what might happen this afternoon, or tomorrow, or next week, we're taking our energy away from our enjoyment and appreciation of the present moment and spending that time fully focused on our loved ones.

As I said, I know this is way easier said than done, but I hope you can find more ways to enjoy the time you have with your loved ones right now.

I also agree that seeing a therapist and learning ways to approach our fears and our fearful thinking differently can be very helpful. Particularly since you have recognized that your belief that you deserve to be punished is at the root of your fears.

Hugs to you (((((((sycorax)))))))))

I can relate.
My father died June 27,1980 or a massive heart attack.
Not a warning nothing.
I grieve everytime I think of him.
Taveau

I can also relate, sycorax. I think that my feeling undeserving prevented me from finding a lasting love relationship. The loneliness is awful. I still wonder what happened that was so terrible to set this pattern in motion, continuing all these years. And likewise, I've had the experience of wanting to hold onto my father, when he was sick with cancer, wanting to freeze time, stave off the inevitable. The same with my dogs. It was like anticipatory grief.

Thank you for the insights.
I have been thinking of looking for a therapist but it gives me a funny feeling to talk about my problems to someone who is paid to listen to them. And is probably thinking - aha, another psycho, an hour, yep we've heard it all before, and then just one more and then I go home. I would feel uneasy, like, this is not really someone who's interested in me. Am I asking too much?
But I will do it if I see I can't fix me on my own. That is why I've joined this group (still amazed I did it), to try and bring myself back to "normal" yet again. I've had these fears for years and sometimes they run out of cpontrol and then again I manage to keep them down. THings have happened recently that made the whole thing escalate again so currently it's the acute "oh my god not again" and "will I ever get out of this" phase. I'm so glad I found all of you, and want to be positive despite myself and think I may actually make it.

I loved the playing idea. I think I may have done it already. And I know that taking it less seriously or with a bit of humour helps. The thing is I have got a new little family member recently and I can't play it down with her. When I think of losing her I paralyse. There are some health problems too and I blame myself for them, grounded or not matters little, I blame myself, fear it will get worse, and this fear makes me fear even more because I think I'm invoking negativity with my negativity. Vicious circle. So insomnia kicked in, my headaches are back, etcetc and the care for the little leaves me no time for my usual meditations, exercises, hobbies or even social contacts. Not that I mind, but there's little to divert my attention from the windmills of my mind. Oh, have I mentioned I've moved country recently and know almost no one here? And that some moths ago I split with my lifelong best friend, amiga del alma, something I would have NEVER EVER thought possible...
Ranting and lamenting, am I?
But at least getting it out.
Thanks ofr being out there and listening ie reading. And you're not even paid to do it.

Hey greywolf, I'm both sorry that you have the same problem and glad that there's someone else who has it . We're lucky that our husbands are not mean though, huh? I was also very surprised in the beginnning, I really couldn't understand why he loves me. Still can't.

Change my way of thinking... It's not even thinking, it's a deep conviction that I'm rotten within only no one else sees it - that's why they love me, i've managed to deceive them.
Pufff...

I'm glad that you manage to change your patterns, even only sometimes, it means that it is possible. And I need that right now, to know it IS possible and I won't be stuck here forever.
Wish you sucess!!!

Everyone deserves to be loved, and you sounds like you ARE loved unconditionally. That's a blessing!

CBT helped me with a lot of the thinking described here. It teaches you to identify thinking that is not rational and counteract it. Perhaps you could try a short-term relationship with a therapist who can help you learn CBT. I did it on my own with the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Perhaps that would be a good place for you to start.

There is also an on-line support group here "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" that I encourage you to attend. We learn practical ways of doing what I said above.

Your last post sounds like you are beginning to feel hopeful! Hope is a great motivator!

First of all ....you have received astute replies.I am very .....unconventional ,in that I am a numerologist,and a christian (haha),,,,I completely embrace the philosophy of reincarnation.That being said...One could only speculate if these feelings stem from an experience from a previous lifetime....or a repressed memory...or a part of your personna feeling undeserving simply because that is a part of your personality make up to begin with.I feel that every reply you received here is highly worthy of pondering.Let us all know what you think ....yes?~W~