[sugahorse1]

Well, finally decided I needed to speak to pdoc as I felt my meds weren't really working. Basically my depression was just getting too much. I was too numb to cry, but couldn't work, and was very snappy and irritable. I was continuously consumed with anxiety, had no appetite and just felt bad. She went through my file and when I phoned her back, she said I was by no means an easy case. Gee - how's that supposed to make me feel? I've hardly tried a whole lot of combo's, only ever been on one type of mood stabiliser, and only tried two types of ADs properly (Citalopram and a NARI). I've had Lantanon and Rivotril, but these were only for a few days at a time. From what I've heard from people on this forum, my dosages are also still very low.
May it's just that our country is a little behind with regards to medication and their knowledge of dealing with BP?!?

I'm going to see her in 4.5 hours. She discussed the option of booking me off work for a few days (Don't know if I can do this, as I'll be my own worst enemy being bored at home) or sending me to hospital for a few days.

Now today I feel a bit better than yesterday (Which was rock bottom) and I feel like a fraud going to see her, when yesterday I complained how I bad I was and today I'm OK, coping.

[WendyAussie]

I always feel like a fraud immediately after I've had a big episode and am feeling better as I now know that sometimes I feel I need to be on the brink of suicide to need help or attention from my psychiaotrist or psychologist. I'm getting more realistic though.

I would see your psych saying you're by no means an easy case as a plus. It's not judgemental, it means she's really looking into your symptoms and medications and history. If she were just blowing you off with glib statements (been there) you'd have more to worry about.

And as to a hospital stay, you have to make the choice, but I would go if I were you - do the maximum for yourself that you possibly can. If you're worried about boredom, take a pile of books and magazines, but you might find that they have activities to keep you occupied and you can talk to other patients and watch TV. I have had 4 pysch hospital stays and while not pleasant, have really helped me - every single one.

[sugahorse1]

I've been in to hospital before (Not a psych one, just a general one) once as I was diagnosed with Major depressive episode with psychosis. Then again after I OD'd. It wasn't too bad...
Will see what she has to say this time...

[grizmom]

I don't know what she would have done with me then! It took 17 years of different meds to find the right combo! Lamictal (generic name Lamotrigine) is like a miracle for me...the only one that has worked for more than 5 or 6 months.

If you feel comfortable in the hospital, then it might be a good option...I've had several stays and only had 1 bad experience; most of the time it's very helpful.

I wish you the best!!

[sugahorse1]

I'm currently on Epilim (Sodium valporate), but think I need to try any of the Lamotrigine options. I can't believe she thinks I'm a difficult case, as we've only just started to work together (I've only started seeing her about 2 months ago, have only had 2 appointments with her, and a few telephone calls)

Right now, if she wants to encourage me to stay in hospital, I will say no, as I feel like I'm coping - TODAY that is. but the next time I feel depressed, who knows?

I spoke to her yesterday and I think she got an idea of how depressed I am today. The fact that I feel ok today mustn't confuse her...

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I'm currently on Epilim (Sodium valporate), but think I need to try any of the Lamotrigine options. I can't believe she thinks I'm a difficult case, as we've only just started to work together (I've only started seeing her about 2 months ago, have only had 2 appointments with her, and a few telephone calls)

Right now, if she wants to encourage me to stay in hospital, I will say no, as I feel like I'm coping - TODAY that is. but the next time I feel depressed, who knows?

I spoke to her yesterday and I think she got an idea of how depressed I am today. The fact that I feel ok today mustn't confuse her...

She definitely hasn't worked with you long enough to say you're a difficult case! And you've mentioned the low dosages...maybe you might consider seeing a different pdoc if this continues? You can't know if a medication is going to work if you aren't on a theraputic dose!

You might be feeling better today because you're relieved that you are going to get your meds changed? I know that happens to me...like with seeing this new T today; I've been all worked up and anxious for a couple of weeks, and then yesterday I felt fine all day. I think I was just relieved that it was finally going to happen.

Just make sure to explain every symptom you've had lately; it doesn't matter that you feel a bit better today, that's part of the illness. We have some good days but unfortunately the bad days outnumber them most of the time. If she does have you try Lamictal, remember to watch for a rash as they can sometimes be serious with this med. Many people have tolerated it well, especially if the dosages are started very small and are very slowly increased.

[sugahorse1]

thanks for eveyone's advice!

[The Crazy Rambler]

Hi Sugahorse,

Well, finally decided I needed to speak to pdoc Good for you! as I felt my meds weren't really working. Basically my depression was just getting too much. I was too numb to cry, but couldn't work, and was very snappy and irritable. I was continuously consumed with anxiety, had no appetite and just felt bad. She went through my file and when I phoned her back, she said I was by no means an easy case. Gee - how's that supposed to make me feel? She might not have much experience with treating bipolars. How long is she practising? Is it possible to find someone who has sort of specialised in mood disorders? When I got back to my homecountry Netherlands, I entered te regular system. The first support I got was good and helpful. Then I had to change pdocs as mine was moving on. I decided to leave and go for a private practise pdoc. I found one who's specialised in mood disorders and boy, does it make a difference! It was hard to handle the change, but I am SO glad I did!!

May it's just that our country is a little behind with regards to medication and their knowledge of dealing with BP?!?
Could be, of course. But try to find a pdoc thru internet and find out what they specialize on. The first one I called 'did in psychoses' and referred me to the one I now have.

I'm going to see her in 4.5 hours. She discussed the option of booking me off work for a few days (Don't know if I can do this, as I'll be my own worst enemy being bored at home) or sending me to hospital for a few days.
If you feel that would work, it's a good option. To be focused on getting your meds sorted out without having to worry about anything else might be a great help.

Now today I feel a bit better than yesterday (Which was rock bottom) and I feel like a fraud going to see her, when yesterday I complained how I bad I was and today I'm OK, coping.
Like everyone else, we can relate to that. It often is the result of the action you have taken, the relieve of having done something that will change the situation you are in. In short: you received hope. And that will always make you feel better. But that NEVER means that what you are going thru is tough and hard to handle. I guess you are a person who will only call for help when you are nearly 'dead' if you know what I mean? And then if we think we are not 'dead' enough, we feel quilty for asking for help and attention. It is a lie. You are worth her help and attention. You have a serious illness to deal with. You need all the help you can get, and that is okay!!!

Let us know how it went!!

Take care of yourself!

[sugahorse1]

well...
was a bit apprehensive, as I actually felt OK today.
We had a really good chat, her trying to understand me better, what was going on in my life, how I handle situations, what emotions I'm going through, how my cycles work...
She's about 65 years old, so I assume she's been practicing long (Maybe too long??)
She has doubled my Epilim (Sodium Valporate) to 400mg/day (one morning, one night) and if I don't get more stable within a week, I need to phone her and we'll maybe try Lambigotrine. She said she hasn't had too much experience with using it (As Sodium Valporate seemed to help the majority of her patients) but has heard good things.

I told her I felt guilty phoning her when I was down, but she said it was OK. And also that she prefered me phoning her when I was suicidal, as it gives her the opportunity to do some quick thinking to help me. And that she was fine with me taking a sleeping tablet and sleeping through the depressive phase( It was obviously a coping mechanism I was comfortable with, and better than committing suicide).

She did a bit of digging in my emotions (She tends to realise I get lost for words and instead of the conversation just hanging, suggests emotions which I can then either say I relate to or not). SO I guess I learnt quite a bit about myself.
I also realise she is no therapist, and while it's not "painful" going through these emotions, I think there may be some value in working through this with a T. Waiting for her to suggest it...

[Trippin2.0]

Hey Suga

Glad you're moving in the right direction, and don't worry, as mentioned before, we can relate, and empathize, with your emotional roller-coaster.

Have faith, things will get better

[sugahorse1]

Busy bouncing off the walls.... so from major depression to hyper-activity in one day...i'm in for an exhausting weekend!

[grizmom]

I'm glad things went well with the pdoc! Why are you waiting for her to recommend seeing a T? If you think it would be beneficial then I think you should ask her if she knows one that you could work with. I hope the med adjustment will help you!

[sugahorse1]

She gave me a number of a lady psychologist she works with the last time i saw her. When I spoke to her yesterday, I told her I hadn't made an appointment, as I just hadn't plucked up the courage. And today she didn't bring it up...?

But you know how it goes: when you're down, you don't have the strength or feel intimidated to set up an appointment with someone new, and when you're bouncing, well, you just don't think you need help. So it becomes a vicioous cycle.

[BNLsMOM]

It sounds like you know you should see a T.

My T has been the one rock in this weird year. I have gone to him no matter how crazy I have sounded and he has helped me every time. I highly recommend one.

[WendyAussie]

I too take Lamictal among many drugs - was put on it by desperation from my psych as I became suicidal (again) last year. That was in the latter part of the year and I had a stay ino the psych ward to give the opportunity to go right on the dossge to the theraeutic range. Well, you could blow me down with a feather, the difference it is making in my life. I see the same experience by other Bipolars all around the world. It helps with the low, or depessive past of Bipolar and Lithium helps with the hypomanic/manic side of the illness. I take other psych meds as well.

This thing with Lamictal is life saving for me, but it has also shot up my functionality and given me hope that I may have a viable life. It is that good for me. This is after years of being mis - prescribed asnd nearly dying at my own hand as a result, losing my career, houe, friends and familty due to my illnesses and a grest deal more to boot. So it has turned out to be a great drug for me.

Of cousre there are no magic bullets. I still plunge and when I plunge into major Bipolar depression as well adn Panic and Anxiety, it i very dramatic and very painful and hard to recover from but it's happening less than it did in the past even by a tiny degree at a time.

[sugahorse1]

My depression is the thing I battle with the most, and recently anxiety has become bad too. I have Benzo's I can use as and when I need for anxiety. Not sure the Sodium Valporate is working too well for the depression, but as of today I'm taking a double dose.
I have been getting a bit suicidal, so I really would like these feelings to end

[sugahorse1]

well, now I've decided I just cannot work with this pdoc anymore - she doesn't take me serious enough.

My GP has now referred me to a new pdoc, where I can only get an appointment for 25 August!! Hello!
Anyway, don't have much of an option but to wait, and there are already 4 people ahead of me waiting for a cancellation

Think it's time to try lambigotrine. even if it means being off work for a few days while the meds are changed. I am still cycling quite quickly, and while the depressive spells seems to be much less frequent and shorter in span with more stable periods, the anxiety is picking up, sleep is becoming worse and when the depression hits, it can cripple me. I'm also a lot more aggressive and snappy

[Trippin2.0]

U CAN DO IT SUGA!!!

This is just another hurdle, remember, you told me to break it into chunks? Well please try to do this now, and know that I'll be here cheering you on!!!!

PS...I understand your frustration with the rapid cycling, you're not alone

[sugahorse1]

thanks for the pic, lol! Please know that that jump is probably around 1.5m high! lol
i think i depserately need a horse again. just something that understands.
if you like that, go look at www.callaho.com a stud right here in South Africa (I think mainly the Karoo) We have some quality horses here too.

I feel like i could burst into tears right now. i'm so emotional. i guess i kind of hoped the gp would help more, or point me in more of a direction, or pull rank to get me into the pdoc earlier.

[Trippin2.0]

I know what you mean, it's terrible that you're going through this right now...

You're in my thoughts and prayers sugahorse

Hang in there, and try to find some comfort and calm in the knowledge that's it's temporary, meditation is a good idea. It doesn't have to be anything hectic...
sometimes I close my eyes, picture an old witch's broom sweeping away all the muck in my head, (if this is 2 hard, I leave 1 dominant thought 2 remain) and will different parts of my body to relax, starting with my toes, and working my way up...
Maybe you could give this a try...

Please try to NOT stress about things you have no control over, i.e future pdoc appt. future impression of and future relationship with pdoc. These are unnecessary stressers that are skyrocketing your anxiety... Please try to divert your energy...
Hope you feel better soon.

((((HUGS)))) xoxo

[kadesgirl09]

(((suga))) hope you start to feel better really soon! I understand firing your pdoc as I want to do the same!! He really is good though I just dont think he is good for me. He took me off my anxiety meds I had been on for years which caused me to start drinking way more often and now taking them every so often with out a prescription. Anyways it is very nerve wracking waiting for an appt far in the future. I pray you have peace and calm while you wait.