How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

MadyJohannah sorry you are just feeling there. I can sympathize with the feeling. Life is just existing at times. I hope things pick up for you soon.

Lauru I already posted on the thread you started. Again I hope your meds will bring you a good change. I know things have been rough for you quite some time now. If you have to go inpatient I hope your partner will be understanding and want the best for you. I'm glad you are seeking out help. I hope you feel better soon.

This morning I felt anxious because I had promised to go over my parents house and I really didn't want to when it came down to it. I have to fight with myself to go anywhere. I did get out and go like I promised and it was kinda refreshing. My sisters were there too and it was good to all sit down and visit. Overall I feel pretty good about today. My youngest sister is coming over to stay the night tonight. i wish I could say I was looking forward to it, but it means I have to act more enthused then I feel. I just don't have the heart to tell her I don't feel like company. I'll get through it and it probably won't be as bad as I think it will be. I'll have to try and stay up later then I want to, but she is my sis and I love her. Anyway I've rambled on long enough. Hoping everyone else is finding some sort of piece in there day.

Same crap, different day. I am really craving the alcohol, which I know is a bad idea. But somehow, I just don't care. My life sucks.

I feel better than yesterday. Yesterday had a big argument with stepdaughter. She didn't like what I had to say so she called her mother to pick her up. I felt so stressed. I feel releaved actually that she is gone for a while. I don't have to feel I am walking on egg shells. My stepdaughter hates me because her mother hates me. And it makes me so mad that her mother brainwashes her. I also feel sad because my husband won't get to see her until her next visit, if she'll come back. I'm sure she will. She always runs away when she doesn't want to do chores or follow the rules. When she gets in trouble with her mother, she wants to come with us. oh, well.

Vj: How'd the visit go?

Lauru: I know that feeling very well, hate that you were feeling that way, how are you today?

Pearla: Kids can be that way, always looking for the parent who will leave them alnoe the most, dont take it too personal.

Me: Today I feel VERY hungover and am getting ready to do it all over again. There's a festival on the beach this weekend and I am helping a friend serve food at a bar. Being young and kind of cute I get quite a few drinks bought for me. Today I will be serving on my own for awhile...

The crowd and being out makes me very nervous but the alcohol helps, plus my Ativan does too....

Today I am feeling discouraged...not having the willpower to do a full-blown workout so I'm just going to do some stretching. I still feel like a failure though. >.<

I wrote a poem this morning, so that's something, but I'm kind of anxious about the hours of the day. I slept way in, had almost 12 hours of sleep last night, so the morning was basically gone when I got up. But still, there are so many hours left and I don't know what to do with myself. I could read or paint or sculpt or watch some recorded TV, but I'm too intimidated to start anything. At least Cymbalta is keeping me from being depressed. I kind of want to go back to sleep, but I doubt I'm going to be able to sleep very well tonight with all the sleep I've already had. I seriously need a planned schedule of events every day so I don't get so overwhelmed.

Careful Denise... I struggle a bit with the drinking issue even though on my mood charting it is so obviously not helpful. The struggle is not that it's some big problem, but that it is an annoyingly persistant argument with myself. Frustrating.

Today I feel rather unmmotivated. Want to get a haircut. It's right down the road and I'm afraid to even get on the phone to see if they've got some time. Ugh. Also kind of freaked out at some stuff I posted earlier. Then edited out awhile later. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, but try, and then go on and on, and it's probably half-coherent and not even helpful. Good at observing and listening, but when it comes to participating, half the time I'm not sure what I'm saying or how it's coming off, when all I want to do is let them know I'm there and get it. Spending time with some people I know recently, I said something and everyone turned and started on me. Had no idea why what I said was so wrong. And every time I tried to make it right, it apparently just got worse. Still don't know why, but they did tell me to put down the shovel. (Know why on the shovel, not on the wrongness.) Sigh. And double sigh. I'm doing it again...

Let's see what's on this itty bitty list then. Because seriously? This chair has had enough. It's time to get up.

And edited to add: Guilty. So many things I really need to be doing. Even want to be doing! Even little things! And, just can't seem to get there. So... frustrated too I guess. Unmotivated. Guilty. Frustrated. Dash of anxiety. Yup, that about covers it.

I drank again today. I feel horrible, very depressed. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am so scared I can hardly stand it. I am having urges and so far have kept them at bay. I DON'T want to go inpatient. I might have to, but I really don't want to. I need a job for money and for my relationship. I feel awful. I wish I felt nothing at all.

Today, I am feeling overwhelmed with frustration and complete anger and annoyance!!! I fell in love over the weekend...with a boy who is fourteen years old and he is just so, well, I want to keep him. Literally. I have known him for five years and he is absolutely a fantastic kid. If I ever had a kid, he is what I want. He's so smart and funny and everything!!! BUT, there's this problem: He is my sister-in-law's step-nephew. He is visiting his grandma and grandpa, who both treat him like crap. My brother and his wife treat him like crap. He spent thursday and friday night with me and we went to my niece's b-day party yesterday. As soon as I took him back to my brother's, he's being yelled at and embarrassed and treated like he's done something wrong. He wasn't even able to defend himself. They wouldn't let him speak. I can't really do anything because they are his grandparents, but my brother was doing it too. When I said something to my brother about it, I got "Well, you just don't know. You don't have kids, so you don't understand."
He was sitting at the table with his grandmother last night and she told him that they were going to church early today. He asked why and she jumped all over him. Made him go sit by himself and think about his attitude. WTF??? This kid does nothing wrong. He just needs someone to listen to him. He comes from a severly broken home--his mom is an alcoholic and on drugs, his dad is long gone and his stepdad (my sister-in-law's brother) doesn't want to have anything to do with him. When he visits, everyone yells at him constantly and everything is his fault. I truly love this kid and would take him away from everyone if I had the means. However, right now, that can't happen. It SUCKS because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. He is going back home (to Ohio) Saturday and I cry just thinking about it. Facebook is all we have to communicate. Oh, I just don't know what to do. This is so frustrating...

i dont know what to do im sick of life and bipolar.

This is how my day starts after a peaceful nights sleep. I see the sun shining through my curtains in my bedroom? I feel rejuvenated and feel pretty good about myself. I find myself in a much better mood also.

i am glad you started this thred , i am feeling anxious, the weekend is almost over and by tomorrow at 8AM my husband will be at work for the day, and i will be alone with my thoughts. to dragonfly being normal for my kids was always the hardest part. my daughter (19) doesn't want anuything to do with me becasue she thinks bipolar=crazy. and she wont even educated herself about the issue. My son (25)who has a degree in drug and alcohol rehabilitation, and minor in psychology is more understanding, but still gets unset if i'm in a manic state and can't watch my grandson. i hope the addition of prozac helps.

This is really hard, but try not to focus on what you can't do, focus on what you can do, and do that with all your heart and soul. He needs to know someone cares about him unconditionally and the more you focus on being there for him, the better you will feel about yourself. Don't try to change the way adults act towards him, but try to help him find a way to cope with it until he is old enough to make his own choices. Fingers crossed!

wellllll, im feeling pretty pissed at the moment and stretched quite thin, disapointed in my marriage, in relatives and myself.....

Today I am feeling discouraged and a little depressed.

Still can't do things right. There was a recipe contest that my housemate had entered for a kitchen makeover of which I was to do the submitting and I forgot to put down an ingredient in the list of ingredients, but the ingredient and measurement was mentioned in the directions. Probably won't win because I messed up, as usual. When I was manic I felt on top of my game (at least I thought I was). Now I can't remember crap and I'm not focused. These are the times I want to lower my meds, but I would just have to get past the withdrawal symptoms of insomnia. Easier said than done.

Have you ever wanted to run away from yourself?

I ALWAYS want to run away from myself cyber. I'm sure that if you dont win it's not because you missed an ingredient though I know it will feel that way. I am sorry to hear every one is feeling so depressed.

Lauru: I know exactly how you feel. I have been drinking all weekend. Its a hard thing NOT to do as Im staying on the beach with my mom for the weekend to clean out my room and was helping a friend cook at a bar. Being 26 and (according to all the old men) cute everyone buys me drinks. I got so wasted last night and did something I majorly regret.

This morning I was so sui I called the local and national crisis lines just to be treated rudely and hung up on by more than one person. Finally I called the local womens drug/alcohol treatment center and the lady who answered talked to me and listened to me like I was important. She wasnt even a nurse or counselor or anything, just someone who worked there and happened to answer the phone. i dont remember much of the conversation just that I couldnt go inpatient there because they wouldnt let me have my Ativan as its a narcotic and how nice the woman was to just talk to me.

I hope everyone can find a way to make it through the day with the least ammnt of pain possible....

Lauru I know it is hard to resist the alcohol. I'm wishing the best for you and things get better soon.

pearla I'm sorry you are having difficulties with your stepdaughter. I know things can be difficult when a child can pull strings between two different parents.

melissa.recovering sorry to here you are not up to par. Doing even the stretching is even an accomplishment WTG. You are far from being a failure.

thinker22 sorry your day is causing you anxiety. I can understand the feeling of having things I can do, but not up to doing them. I hope you find more comfort in your day tomorrow.

Innerzone I find your posts very insightful and uplifting. I envy how well you are able to respond to others and to myself. Sorry you had the issue with the people you were spending time with. Don't be to hard on yourself. We all say something wrong sometime even though we intend the best. I hope things get better for you.

MadyJohanna I am so sorry for what the boy is going through and your feeling of helplessness. I believe some parents just need to be smacked. I really don't have any advice to offer. Wishing things could be better for you and the child.

crystalrose I know things are hard being bipolar, but we each have to learn how to cope the best we can. My heart goes out to you.

ericmaciasexhausted It's great to hear you are having a good day!!!

paulswife1 sorry to hear you are feeling anxious about being alone with your thoughts, I know how difficult that can be. Yep, being normal for the kids is an almost impossible task. I hate to hear about your daughter. At least your son somewhat understands.

leah0306 I hope your mood improves.

cybermember don't be to hard on yourself, we all make mistakes. I also wish I could run away from myself at times. Hope you feel better soon.

Denise26 I can't believe the reaction you got from the national crisis line. I am proud you sought out help though. I'm glad you finally got hold of someone kind and that would listen to you. I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad. I wish I could reach out and make things better for you.


Today I feel decent I guess. I got the things I had to do done, which I manage to do daily. Anything above and beyond have to doesn't seem to get done. I used to be such a clean freak, now my house needs a major overhauling. I just can't seem to bring myself into taking care of it. I wish I could find the energy and drive I once had. I so feel like I'm faded into the background. A manic spell would almost be welcomed right now. I know I shouldn't wish that but I have sooo much that needs to be done. Oh well, I guess it will be put off yet another day.

Thanks for the advice, PT. I didn't think of that. I was so focused on everyone else and what they were doing. I have never been in this situation before and I guess I was just thinking of trying to "hurt" everyone who hurts him. I know that won't solve the problem, though. I'm just so frustrated with them. I invited him to come and stay this week with us (my sis, younger bro, and I) before he goes back home. I am going to try to plan the holidays so he can come visit again, I just don't want to wait that long to see him again. We will talk more with him about what we can do and maybe he'll see that we're not like everyone else. I know only time will tell, but time can pass so slowly when you're fourteen and right now, he hates everything. Thanks to your advice, I just thought maybe I will get him a new phone so we can talk while he is away, although I would hate to have him hide anything from everyone. But, it may be a good thing. Thanks a bunch. I really needed that !

Awwww, thanks vjdragonfly! It wasn't so terrible really. More uncomfortable and embarrasing. It was more that I completely didn't know how to play my hand/interact. I had inside information (rare occurance) in which I simply couldn't "play along" and any attempts at joining in were just not going over. But I couldn't explain my comments without betraying confidence, even though I was only looking out for their best interest. I should have just shut up. The talk was just playing into a fantasy I'd spent many a long and draining night trying to help this person out of fooling and destroying themselves with. (Note, this is soooo rare for me. No one really talks to me and I end up putting up with ridiculous things when such a thing occurs. I want so badly to help, but people in general avoid me for being "weird". This person confides because they know they can say the very darkest things to me w/o judgement. Guess my perspective on that comes in handy. ) So yeah, the best intentions...

Today... feeling... pretty decent. Woke up full of regret and second-guessing. Wondering when and if so often I should speak and being rather paranoid over many things. Got up and on with it though. Managed to put in a new wireless today!!! I'd put it off, knowing that the endeavor was fraught with ballistic peril. Objects in flight: 4. Major league swearing: 10. Or so. Or more. Believe it or not, I consider that success! No major league meltdown, yea!!! The mere sight of a tangle of wires is very agitating, so I'm oddly proud of myself(!) LOL.

Feeling tired. I got plenty of sleep, but I exercised. Long bike ride. Still, I felt like I could go to bed for a full night at 4pm. But could only rest. My brain is wired on Cymbalta, but it makes me yawn a lot. Weird.

Ok. So is it really so *wrong* that I'm feeling homicidal? No ****. There's this ONE person, in an apt. complex of 30 units. This hag (because I won't call her a lady, and certainly don't want to insult anyone in the animal kingdom...) who yells 24/7. At the grandkids. WHO AREN'T DOING ANYTHING!!! Not only is she majorly triggering, she's just... unbelievable in her annoyance factor! She never ever just STFU!!! It's everything I can do not to go over there and hurt her. BADLY. I want for the kids to run away. They'd be better off! OMG, how I hate this hag. And this from someone who prefers to get along with everyone insofar as it is possible. BF actually yelled out the other day, and he's totally mellow. Frankly, I'm ready to kill her. He suggested we should probably call family services. The kids are always crying, she's always yelling and screaming. I can't take it anymore.
I'd like to think that I cut slack, knowing how sometimes our actions don't reflect what we'd wish of ourselves. I know. I've struggled badly in this way. But this? This is something else altogether.
That's how I'm feeling right now. Frustrated as all get out at this ongoing situation...
Any advice?

Depressed, as usual. Same feelings and thoughts going round and round in my head. Don't know what I'm gonna do. At least I see T this week. It's been so long. I hope I don't go inpatient.