[PromisesToKeep]

I am pissed as hell and I am going to let you know about it. Writing is my outlet when I am stressed and I have a GREAT deal of stress going on right now. My dually diagnosed ex-boyfriend of eight years is lying in the ICU, the ventilator breathing for him, as it has for me. He attempted suicide, as I have done myself so many times before. His family is out of town so they have asked me to step in, intercede and be the Elmer's to hold him together. After my last suicide attempt, only five months ago, I broke up with him as I realized that I wasn't going to get better if he was going to stay sick. It broke my heart to leave but it was him... or my life.

I went to the Condo, it was so trashed that I cried. Pills and beer cans everywhere, toilet tank busted in half, entire place flooded, refrigerator toppled over... it broke my heart. As bad as the wreckage to the property was, I know it is nothing compared to what is going on in his mind.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am waiting for the phone to ring. He woke up or he is dead. Despite my physical pain, I felt compelled to start cleaning the condo. I had to DO something. I feel powerless. I stayed there 15 hours just scrubbing even though I knew that my efforts were futile. I am going to have to get someone in there and probably rip out all the carpet and replace the lower drywall. But I just kept scrubbing. I scrubbed until I ached. I scrubbed until I hurt. I scrubbed until my back was screaming. I scrubbed until I was crying. I scrubbed until I was screaming.

So here I have sat for nearly 30 hours straight with ice packs. I have been writing. I have responded to posts. I have researched information. I have met new friends. I have opened up. I even got PERSONAL in my writing.
There are no support group meetings this weekend. I am isolated by my physical disability and I further injured myself with my ridiculous, irrational scrubbing. This is my only contact with the outside world right now and right now I am not safe alone. So I write. I am thoughtful in my responses and I want to share positive things that will be helpful to others rather than just sit here and whine. I don't want to indulge in self pity as it is counter productive.

I am still new here, I am still just dipping my toes in the water. I am scared to let anyone get too close although I made a huge step last night. But now I am pissed as hell! I responded to a post, "I am bipolar, too!" with three paragraphs and this is the reply that I got.

[daggy]

ms Ptk
hi for starters, I am so sorry you find yourself in such a situation with your b/f and I hope and pray he recovers. It is so very hard when you find yourself so alone and having to take on responsibilities that you hope and never dreamed of having to have to have.
After reading your post the words you typed seemed all too familiar to me about ruining peoples funtime agenda and just trying to get a common sense answer to questions that have life changing effects on the person posting them only to be given a lighthearted brush off when all we wanted was help.
Even though I dont have BPD I have a few friends that have and so over the years have had to educate myself not only on my issues but of my friends as well so I am one whom doesnt need the funtime attitude of others as well. This forum is meant to be for support and a place were sharing is meant to help us grow and survive ( sometimes more then we think )

Anyhow I just hope this lets you know that you are not alone and there is help out here .

[WendyAussie]

Ah Man that sucks. I think it IS a huge thing to have dumped on you, especially as you have serious vulnerabilities yourself. This would be right on the top of the therapist's Life Stress Indicators. This may sound tough, but I would (and I really mean I would, as I am this tough) contact his family and draw some boundary, some line in the sand so that you protect your own physical and mental health. Maybe tell them you can only visit him for a half an hour a day, or every second day, and that you can't be responsible for anything else to do with him. If you don't they'll keep calling on you to do stuff. You also fully have the right to withdraw completely from the situation.

I am both an alcoholic sober in AA 11 years and a Beeper and other illnesses. I know even just as an alcoholic alone, I can't allow myself to be dragged down by people who won't get sober, and where my life is at stake. And the same with mental illness - if others won't seek treatment, I can't allow them to undo all my hard work and again risk my life.

I know I'm tough on this stuff but one thing I've learned through AA and therapy is that I need to be assertive in my life and to have boundaries otherwise people will walk all over me.

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by WendyAussie

Ah Man that sucks. I think it IS a huge thing to have dumped on you, especially as you have serious vulnerabilities yourself. This would be right on the top of the therapist's Life Stress Indicators. This may sound tough, but I would (and I really mean I would, as I am this tough) contact his family and draw some boundary, some line in the sand so that you protect your own physical and mental health. Maybe tell them you can only visit him for a half an hour a day, or every second day, and that you can't be responsible for anything else to do with him. If you don't they'll keep calling on you to do stuff. You also fully have the right to withdraw completely from the situation.

I am both an alcoholic sober in AA 11 years and a Beeper and other illnesses. I know even just as an alcoholic alone, I can't allow myself to be dragged down by people who won't get sober, and where my life is at stake. And the same with mental illness - if others won't seek treatment, I can't allow them to undo all my hard work and again risk my life.

I know I'm tough on this stuff but one thing I've learned through AA and therapy is that I need to be assertive in my life and to have boundaries otherwise people will walk all over me.

Boundaries, check! I am in therapy and utilize Alanon (due to my last eight years) in addition to my NAMI and DBSA groups. I REALLY AM working my recovery, each day, every day. I know how hard it is for me just with BP1 and anxiety disorder to get better. What a nightmare scenario dual diagnosis is. You can't get an accurate diagnosis until you have been clean and sober for six month yet the mood disorder and anxiety dictates that you self-medicate! What a vicious cycle to break! If James survives this hospitalization, I really do not have much hope for him making an honest attempt to recover. Its just too hard for him to live in his own skin.

I am just trying to do the next right thing in front of me and not get too wrapped around the axle with plans on how I will manage this tomorrow or the day after. To be honest, just dealing with the hear and now is just a bit more than I can handle. Anger, Fear, Hurt, Betrayal, Victimized and then here online for my efforts to not whine and just be nice.... publicly criticized and humiliated. I feel more alone now than ever.

[bridgie]

Hi. You have so much on your plate right now. I don't have anywhere as much to deal with as you at the moment. Things with the bf(or is it ex?) Anyway. They are at a maximum crisis situation. The boundaries thing is a great idea. And making sure you are ok is a priority.
And I am sorry you felt humiliated in the other post. Keep writing your experiences and positive things. Try not to let others bring you down. I'm sure it didn't feel good. I agree it should have not got a response like the one you received. We should all be greatful for good responses. But we are all human and all do things dif. Try not to take it to heart. Your posts are there so you can be helped too. Let it out. I know that some people get offended and hurt by responses. If it gets too bad or heated they close the thread. Keeps everyone safe. Sorry I'm not keeping my order. I'm fuzze and not quite awake and want you to know this is a place for help and you are welcome to make long answers. I just always think of this as being a resource and an outlet where some will respond the way we want and some won't and we have to take both without taking too personal. Try not to anyway. We are all human and we do and say things that aren't always appropriate.

[BNLsMOM]

PTK,

I want to thank you for all the honesty you have posted in this thread. You are going through so much right now, yet you still reach out to others, myself included, and help us through our pain.

It is your turn to receive support. You have mine. I have never been in a situation that you are in, but I do have the common understanding of having bipolar and the uncontrollable feelings it makes.

Just keep posting, take care of yourself and above all else, make sure you are safe.

[PT52]

If we can't bare our souls here, we are all lost...

[PromisesToKeep]

Well even after this post, I continued to be scolded and told not to intrude on her thread. I was also publicly chastised by another senior member for telling the first one to go to hell; just 30 minutes after I composed a letter of support and compassion to the second lady to publicly embarrass me!
I figured out how to use the ignore feature
I didn't realize that threads were by invitation only.
In hindsight, the thing that really ticked me off the most was that I was disrespected publicly. Obviously, they can see that I haven't been around long and if they had a problem with ANYTHING that I had done, they could have at least been polite enough to send me a private message. To dress me down, several times, publicly, even after making this post and telling them that I am having a really hard time, she continued in the public forum when I told them they could have gone private. She told me if I want support to start my own thread.
IGNORE!
Vent done.... for the moment anyway....

[Anneinside]

Iwould be very upset to have received such a response, not to mention your current problems. She or he was WRONG. I am glad you started a new thread. Inever would have found you under the other one as I have quit reading it. Best wishes.

[vjdragonfly]

(((PTK))) sorry for what you are going through right now. I hope your ex pulls through ok. I know this must be a very difficult time on you right now.

I'm really sorry for how you were treated on another thread. I can understand how you feel. We are all suffering in one way or another and we are reaching out to people here on pc. I commend you for all the support you offer even when you are going through so much. Unfortunately some people can turn on you even when you are trying to help. It is sad when it happens and I know how it feels when your support is belittled. Just keep on posting PTK and overlook that person because we are not all that way.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, PTK, I don't know what all went on with the postings and stuff--I evidently wasn't in on that thread--but I'm sorry that you went through that. We just don't know what all people are going through sometimes. I'm so sorry to hear about James and all the other problems you are having to deal with...

I do think we ought to be allowed to vent sometimes...and I have done so myself. Then, one time, I told a woman who was getting ready to have ECT to "break a leg," trying to be humorous, thinking about the way theatre people try to wish people luck. She had not had a seizure during the first attempt, so the doctors were trying it again, recognizing that they had not anesthesized her properly. I know, of course, that she should not literally "break a leg." At any rate, I've felt bad about that, thinking I had been insensitive.

I was told on another forum that I did wrong in addressing someone else's issues on a thread, and not talking directly to the original thread beginner....Sigh. We do the best we can.

Hang in there! You know I am on your team.....

[lynn09]

Hello, PTK. I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are dealing with at present, and I know that you must be absolutely emotionally raw right now. But, I'm glad to see that so many of our other PC Family members are here to support you, and to provide whatever comfort and consolation that they can.

I know you haven't been here long, PTK, so I hope you and other newcomers to PC will find these comments helpful. Just as all PC members, PTK, you are perfectly free to start your own threads to express your feelings and seek support from and dialogue with other members relevant to your issues and the topics that you wish to discuss. However, it is not consistent with PC Forums policies to attempt to adversely influence some members' perception of and behavior towards other members.

Responses to other members' threads should be addressed to the thread-starter, not other responders, and relevant to the topic designated by that thread-starter. When you change the focus and intent of a person's thread in your response and subsequently engage in dialogues directly with other responders in that person's thread, you are in essence taking over the thread and making it about your situation and the topics you/they wish to discuss; this is known as “hijacking the thread.

Also, it is not consistent with PC Forums policies to quote out of context and without the author's permission any statement made by another member in another thread or anywhere else.

I think it would be beneficial at this point for everyone to take a deep breath and step back a bit. The exchanges in this thread and those in a related thread started by another member are only serving to create animosity among members and to divide members into armed camps. This is not consistent with the intent of the PC Forums which is to provide a safe haven for everyone to discuss their various issues with empathetic others, and to receive positive support from others in dealing with those issues.

We all are susceptible to being triggered by others and capable of triggering others, so we must do our best to be mutually-respectful, considerate, and patient in our dealings with one another.

Please take very gentle care of yourself, PTK, and make sure you are getting the appropriate support you need both here at PC and in your daily life – and that goes for everyone here, as well. lynn09

[Grkgjohn]

Originally Posted by promisestokeep

i am pissed as hell and i am going to let you know about it. Writing is my outlet when i am stressed and i have a great deal of stress going on right now. My dually diagnosed ex-boyfriend of eight years is lying in the icu, the ventilator breathing for him, as it has for me. He attempted suicide, as i have done myself so many times before. His family is out of town so they have asked me to step in, intercede and be the elmer's to hold him together. After my last suicide attempt, only five months ago, i broke up with him as i realized that i wasn't going to get better if he was going to stay sick. It broke my heart to leave but it was him... Or my life.

I went to the condo, it was so trashed that i cried. Pills and beer cans everywhere, toilet tank busted in half, entire place flooded, refrigerator toppled over... It broke my heart. As bad as the wreckage to the property was, i know it is nothing compared to what is going on in his mind.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am waiting for the phone to ring. He woke up or he is dead. Despite my physical pain, i felt compelled to start cleaning the condo. I had to do something. I feel powerless. I stayed there 15 hours just scrubbing even though i knew that my efforts were futile. I am going to have to get someone in there and probably rip out all the carpet and replace the lower drywall. But i just kept scrubbing. I scrubbed until i ached. I scrubbed until i hurt. I scrubbed until my back was screaming. I scrubbed until i was crying. I scrubbed until i was screaming.

So here i have sat for nearly 30 hours straight with ice packs. I have been writing. I have responded to posts. I have researched information. I have met new friends. I have opened up. I even got personal in my writing.
There are no support group meetings this weekend. I am isolated by my physical disability and i further injured myself with my ridiculous, irrational scrubbing. This is my only contact with the outside world right now and right now i am not safe alone. So i write. I am thoughtful in my responses and i want to share positive things that will be helpful to others rather than just sit here and whine. I don't want to indulge in self pity as it is counter productive.

I am still new here, i am still just dipping my toes in the water. I am scared to let anyone get too close although i made a huge step last night. But now i am pissed as hell! I responded to a post, "i am bipolar, too!" with three paragraphs and this is the reply that i got.

how could you leave him in conditiiiion he was in? I put my wife through hell for 11 years til recently arose out of denial and its no cakewalk for her now. Thank god for a good strong decent woman.

PTK- I am sorry to read about your situation with your ex bf.I hope that he pulls through. As I have posted previously I am very appreciative of how you have gone out of your way to give support & advice to me and share your knowledge & experiences even in the midst of your own crisis.
I am sending that same appreciation to everyone else on here who have reached out & helped me. You all have made such a difference in my life.
I am sending you many hugs and want you to know that I am here for you.

[Grkgjohn]

Looks like honest responses are not tolerated here i will be sur2 to share a stay away note on my facebook pages.

[PromisesToKeep]

However, it is not consistent with PC Forums policies to attempt to adversely influence some members' perception of and behavior towards other members.

Ahhh, yet here is the rub... I never attempted to do such a thing. What I did was attempt to participate in a support forum, which I have no experience with doing save the 100 posts that I have made here. I am learning for the first time how to utilize non-verbal communication in an emotionally charged situation with a lot of people that have their own set of issues and history, resulting in a different perception for each person. Take away the verbal inflections, facial expressions, tone of voice, body language; add in the fact that I am new here and know very few of you well enough to let my guard down enough to even be humorous lest I dare offend someone; and then, maybe, you might understand how I misunderstood the original intent of the thread. The whole experience left me wanting just to delete my posts, my account and get rid of the danged computer, yet too much is riding on this...
it has come to the point where I have to change or die...
I decided to change and its a daily uphill battle, and learning to share myself with others is part of the process. Am I flailing? Absolutely. Do I regret every post I make. You are darned right I do! Am I squirming in discomfort. You betcha! I am sitting here in this crap, suffering silently as always, trying to learn to have the courage to reveal myself. I am going to keep writing, keep posting, keep failing and keep doing that which is uncomfortable until I learn to do it well. Thank you for this post. It really does help to have critics who care enough about you to let you know you are doing something badly. What I want you to understand though is that this whole issue resulted from someone with over 4 years of posts, over 6000 posts, not having the patience to explain the errors of my ways to me as you have. Instead, she chose to humiliate me publicly for trying my best, falling flat on my face and told me to start my own thread if I wanted "support" saying this to someone with a month an 100? Where is the patience? The compassion? The understanding? The support? I am a baby learning to walk and I keep falling but don't scold me for trying! I NEVER at any time, attempted to be duplicitous and that is why I withheld her name rather than posting it in big red letters as my hurt was telling me to.
Please be patient with me. I have no bad intentions at all. I am here because I need to be here but there is also a learning curve that comes along with abandoning old defense mechanisms and having the strength and courage to let someone in.

"Also, it is not consistent with PC Forums policies to quote out of context and without the author's permission any statement made by another member in another thread or anywhere else."

I was VERY angry at being publicly humiliated in HUGE RED LETTERS rather than having someone politely explain this as you have here or even with more sensitivity, privately in a message. I respond very well to constructive criticism and direction without resentment, I even appreciate others who make the effort to redirect my efforts. However, I do not do well with continual public debasement. I told her off for doing so and was informed by another senior member that I wasn't being supportive.
I replied that I was not enjoying a supportive experience.
The 'lady' with the huge red letters (who respond identically to not just one, but two of my posts) replied that this was her thread, if I wanted support to start my own thread. That is exactly what I did. I withheld her name as I was just trying to explain the angst fully without revealing her identity. I have since been edited by a moderator, she privately messaged me and we have communicated in regards to the frustrations that both parties felt.

Thank you very much for having the patience and caring enough to explain the ways of this world to me. This was all a result of my misunderstanding the original intent of the post and attempting to participate. Yet, I do not think that warrants the public whipping I took...

Caution! Work in progress here!!!
Colleen

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by Grkgjohn

how could you leave him in conditiiiion he was in? I put my wife through hell for 11 years til recently arose out of denial and its no cakewalk for her now. Thank god for a good strong decent woman.

Well, thank you for your reply. Obviously, you didn't read the post that I made last night about my last suicide attempt where I knew that I had to change everything if I wanted to live because 30 years of suicide attempts tells me that whatever I am doing, just is not working. How can I carry him when I cannot walk myself and he is not willing to try? Are you proposing that sacrifice myself and any chance that I have to get better and live successfully to continue to submit myself to drunken, vicious attacks; having my home destroyed; waking up to find drug dealers in my house with guns while my child is sleeping in the next room; continual trips to rehabs and psych units with him, only to have him repeat the same behavior the next day. He quit trying and I am too damned tired...

In April, I came home to find him in bed with a crack *****. It broke me. After eight years of Alanon and seven years of psychiatric meds and psych hospitalizations for myself, him losing several jobs only to finally decide to stay unemployed and drain his mother's bank accounts; I realized that it wasn't even safe to have safe to have another intimate encounter with the man that I loved and risk being exposed to a whole host of STDs. I left him that day and that night, once again, I overdosed. Once again, I was discovered where by all rights, I shouldn't have been found. This time was only four days on the ventilator. I had decided that I couldn't make it without him. When I came out of the coma, I had a moment of clarity that I could not make it WITH him.

Yet, here I am, five months later and the ghost of Christmas past has come to haunt me once again. Exactly how much more do you expect me to endure? Not only am I protecting my family, I am also protecting his mother by commanding her to stay in NY where she sought her own refuge from James with her daughter. If she comes back now, it will kill her. How much longer before I deserve parole? Murderers have served less time than me yet every time I manage to escape, I get dragged back in kicking and screaming, having to do the difficult, correct thing in accordance with my own value system... and it comes at too great of a cost. When do I get a chance to learn to care for myself?

What exactly would you suggest I do? I detected some judgment when you asked how I could leave him in that condition. I hope the question wasn't rhetorical and that I didn't waste my time explaining myself to someone who just wants to judge me regardless of what I do. I am at wits end here. I am honestly open to suggestions....

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by PromisesToKeep

What exactly would you suggest I do? I detected some judgment when you asked how I could leave him in that condition..

You did what was best for you and truly I would have done the same thing if I were in your position. It takes a lot of strength to admit when a relationship isn't worth staying in and you should be proud of yourself for not only protecting your mental health, but your physical health as well.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[2plus4equals7]

Promises, you sound very angry. Is anger what you are feeling? I don't know you well but from here it looks like you are looking for somebody here to take your anger out on. That will not help you. In fact you will alienate people who might become your friends.

I realize you have a tremendous amount of pain in your life today but that does not make it okay to just tell people to go to hell.

[PromisesToKeep]

Health update on James:

I visited the ICU this afternoon, washed his face and hands. I put some blistex on his lips as they get very dry when you are being ventilated. I sat by his bed, prayed for him, read him some Psalms and then left. It was all I could do. He is still in a coma, still unresponsive to pain.

Health update on Colleen:
I still haven't been to sleep. I can't hold anything down. I am using my walker poorly and falling a lot. I continue to ice down with my bags of frozen peas.
I managed to line up two emergency appointments for tomorrow, one with the anesthesiologists for pain injections so that I will be able to lay down and perhaps, not fall quiet as often. I called my pdoc at home this evening. I know I am in crisis. I am blessed that I have this gifted, caring professional in my corner. My relationship with him over the last seven years has transcended that of a patient/doctor relationship. I almost dare say that he chose to mentor me, has steered my recovery and strongly has influenced the direction in which I choose to evolve. He does not have any office hours available but agreed to meet with me at the medical library in light of the circumstances. I hung up the phone and cried with gratitude. It has been very rare to encounter ANYBODY in my life that cares enough about me to encourage me to grow and to tell me when I am screwing up. Most people just set up their lawn chairs and wait for the train wreck to happen when I am absolutely clueless that it is coming.
Where is the sense of impending doom when you need it?

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by Grkgjohn

Looks like honest responses are not tolerated here i will be sur2 to share a stay away note on my facebook pages.

Please, give us all a chance. We aren't perfect but we are all trying to get better. If you post negatively about this forum on Facebook, you might be discouraging someone who really wants the support, even when learning how to communicate with each other effectively here takes practice. I believe the benefit will far outweigh the uncomfortable adjustment period.

Hang in there!

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by 2plus4equals7

Promises, you sound very angry. Is anger what you are feeling? I don't know you well but from here it looks like you are looking for somebody here to take your anger out on. That will not help you. In fact you will alienate people who might become your friends.

I realize you have a tremendous amount of pain in your life today but that does not make it okay to just tell people to go to hell.

I feel I very wide range of emotions to be absolutely honest. Immediately upon lashing out in response to publicly debased for attempting to participate in a thread where I misunderstood the intent, I hit the submit button, and immediately regretted it. I admitted that I was in the wrong for doing so. I have already been publicly whipped for doing so. I have already discussed this matter with the moderator. At no time, I had no intention of taking anything out on anyone. HOWEVER, I do take exception, and rightfully so, for being publicly humiliated for misunderstanding the intent of the post. I CANNOT READ MINDS. I appreciate having critics in my life to help guide me but not ones that do so with a bullhorn in the middle of the town square for trying, yet not succeeding. When communicating with a member more junior than I, I must remember that he/she does not have the experience (regardless of how limited) that I have and that I must be kind and patient.
In that spirit, I write to you this explanation. I don't think that either of us handled it very well but I will always look to the more senior member to set the example of behavior that will or will not be tolerated. I don't think either of us were very respectful of the other. She humiliated me, and I lashed out, I asked her to go private, she kept it public,... etc. Both of us got stubborn and both of us failed to be shining examples of recovery.
Yes, I admit it. I am human. I make mistakes. Sometimes but seldomly, my emotions even override my best judgment. Yet at no time, was I ever taking out anything that is happening in my world on anyone in this forum.
Please forgive my lapse of judgment, I will try very hard not to repeat the same mistake. Yet do not mistake my responding to being publicly embarrassed and debased inappropriately (eg losing one's temper) versus being divisive and taking out my personal issues on others. You can easily pull a history of all of my post and you will find that I am constantly seeking to help others whenever I can.
With this being said, does this really need to continue? I have owned my part in this matter, yet it always takes two to tango. I have every right to defend myself when attacked but I didn't manage to walk away from this as the lady I know myself to be.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Grkgjohn

how could you leave him in conditiiiion he was in? I put my wife through hell for 11 years til recently arose out of denial and its no cakewalk for her now. Thank god for a good strong decent woman.

john: I do understand where you're coming from, and also your comment about honest responses. I think the question you asked, "how could you leave him...", while it clearly reflects your opinion, it can come across as judging someone and finding them lacking. It's difficult for all of us to cope, and I admire your wife for sticking it out. I'm assuming your wife doesn't have a mental illness? It becomes a different situation when you have someone struggling with mental illness trying to take care of someone with a mental illness. I would only ask that you try to understand how difficult that can be.

I would also ask that you take time to think through your anger and not condemn this site on facebook. There are many people who don't have someone like your wife to be there for them; there are many people who to feel like there is no hope, and for them, this could be their only chance.

Peace be with you, friend

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by PT52

john: I do understand where you're coming from, and also your comment about honest responses. I think the question you asked, "how could you leave him...", while it clearly reflects your opinion, it can come across as judging someone and finding them lacking. It's difficult for all of us to cope, and I admire your wife for sticking it out. I'm assuming your wife doesn't have a mental illness? It becomes a different situation when you have someone struggling with mental illness trying to take care of someone with a mental illness. I would only ask that you try to understand how difficult that can be.

I would also ask that you take time to think through your anger and not condemn this site on facebook. There are many people who don't have someone like your wife to be there for them; there are many people who to feel like there is no hope, and for them, this could be their only chance.

Peace be with you, friend

Very nicely written and a perfect example of what I have been trying to express regarding how we need to be kind and gentle when we have a new kid in the sandbox, so to speak. It was difficult to read the negative comments or judgmental posts in this thread. Yet, if I am to be valid in my argument about being sensitive to newcomers, I too, must be sensitive.

Therefore, I tried to put my personal feelings aside and tried to understand, rather than being understood, and took the time to fully address the post that they took time to submit. Even though I feel I have no need to justify my decision to disengage from James, I really want EVERYONE who posts in this forum to know that they are welcome as is their feedback, whether I agree with it or not personally. Regardless of who the originator of a thread or the original intent of the thread, I must be pliable enough to understand that each of us comes here with their own perceptions that are colored by our own life experiences.

Case in point... This thread was never about James or the issues that I face regarding him. This was never about facing off with another member of this forum. This was about the frustrations that I feel in learning to communicate effectively in this forum. It is very difficult for me to completely be devoid of the "Intellectual, PTK; always eager to research, educate and encourage" and reveal that there REALLY IS a vulnerable, lonely Colleen here struggling. When I read the title of another thread that said, "I am bipolar, too," my perceptions colored by my intellectual, education oriented self took that as a statement regarding the need to accept our diagnosis as an integral step to treat the illness effectively. It reminded me of some passages that I had read in a book by Mondimore, I referenced his book before posting to the thread and worked really hard to compose a post regarding my own personal experience with acceptance, even including a humorous exchange between my daughter and I. (I thought I had done well to make it about me rather than a book report on Mondimore which would have been much easier for me to do) But I later learned that the thread had never been about acceptance as I perceived it to be. (Damn, I screwed up.... again!) Then I was confronted with issues regarding the intent of the thread 'belonging' to the originator, (Huh? How am I supposed to divine what someone's intention is, especially when I have no previous knowledge of the author) was informed that to submit a thread outside the scope of the thread was a matter of 'hijacking' a thread (wait, I am Hijacking something?? All I am trying to do is participate!! You already lost me way back there somewhere at the original intent!) When I was informed that I was wrong for posting to the thread based on the 'original intent/thread ownership' issue, I felt immediately humiliated lashed out in a moment of anger in response to the manner in which I was criticized and not the fact that I WAS criticized. Admittedly, my response was inappropriate and non-supportive. When it was pointed out that I wasn't being supportive, I shared that I didn't feel I was being supported either. I was again referred to the 'original intent/thread ownership', that the intent of the thread was not support (so what is it doing in the support forum and not 'fun and games' forum if it wasn't intended to be supportive) and told to start my own thread if I want support, so that is exactly what I did! Honestly!!! If you don't want me in your sandbox, I am going to take my toys and go home and play in my own sandbox!!!

C'mon, people! Please, just cut me a bit of slack. I wouldn't be here if I absolutely did not need to be and I am not here as a matter of social networking. I am here because I have got to learn how to open up to others. I am here because everything else that I have done hasn't worked. I am really strong in theory but I have A LOT of trouble applying that theory to my own life. It is much easier for me to care for you than to care for myself. It is much easier to give a hug than receive one. It is much easier for me to be a friend to others rather that have others be a friend to me. Save for this last month, I have never used forums before so these concepts such as "original intent of a thread belonging to the owner of the thread", "thread hijacking"... etc, are just more brick walls that I have to break through to get to the point where I need to be, where I want to be. But you can put up all the brick walls you want because I am just going to break through them, they are just meant to keep others out, and I am tired of being on the outside looking in. I want recovery more than I want anything in my life because if I don't have recovery, I don't have a life... this is not figurative speech. This is a matter of fact. If I don't make the necessary changes and participate in recovery, I will succeed at committing suicide eventually. A friend summed it up nicely when he said, change or die. If I went back and graded all of the posts that were submitted in this thread based on the concept of "original intent belonging to the thread owner," how do you think you did since my intent was "This was about the frustrations that I feel in learning to communicate effectively in this forum"? Were you able to divine my intent? Did you really think this was about James? Did you really think this was high noon at the OK corral? Did you think that I was seeking support in face of a crisis? Based on those rules, maybe you understand how frustrated I feel. For the most part everyone has been very patient with me fumbling about and falling flat on my face and for that, I thank you. Yet, now I feel intimidated to post on someone else's thread, more senior to me at least, in fear of breaking the rules unintentionally unless I know the owner of the thread. What is really discouraging is how do I get to know others unless I dare to make my blunders and fail rather than attempting to try?

And that, my friends, is WHY I AM HERE.

hugs to all (especially the lady with the big red letters),
Colleen

[PT52]

It is much easier to give a hug than receive one.

What is really discouraging is how do I get to know others unless I dare to make my blunders and fail rather than attempting to try?

I would like to put forth a challenge to you, my friend, and you know that it is with empathy and from the perception I've had over the past few days...I remember you saying something to the effect of not being able to write anything short...I actually had an English professor who said the same thing to me. I took it as a challenge and (with a whole lot of editing and struggling), managed to take an exceedingly long paper down to one page without losing any of the intent. So my challenge is: respond to just one post with only one paragraph....and not a super-long paragraph, either...maybe I should include a word count challenge...anyway, see if you can get all the salient points in one brief paragraph. And if you do, I will reward you with a splendid huzzah!