[Medicated]

I'm discouraged.

The past few years of my life have been ugly when it comes to my bipolar. I've been in the hospital three times, and up and down and all over the place beside that. I'd say I've definitely gotten worse in the past couple years.

I fear that I'm destined for a lifetime of misery, and constant uncontrollable ups and downs which will ruin any chance of a career or family, or whatever aspirations I may have. My worst fear is that someday I'll end up on disability because my illness has gotten so bad that I am completely unable to function.

That's depressing, and sometimes I wonder why I bother fighting. I wonder why I'm trying so hard to get through and move on. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up now and save myself a lifetime of agony and disappointment.

When I shared this thought with my normally cheerful therapist tonight, he suddenly became very serious and asked me if I am "safe," or if I need to go somewhere to be safe. I reassured him that I am, but he still seemed concerned. I've worked with him for over two years, and that is the first time he ever suggested that I might need more immediate help.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what motivates all of you to go on when things get dark and dreary and when the future looks bleak. What is your source of optimism in a life afflicted by bipolar?

[Medicated]

Update: I have 60mg of clonazepam in my hand, and I'm thoroughly tempted to take all of it.

It would be a stupid thing to do, but I want to do it. I hate to make my mom the keeper of of my pills, but I'm not sure I trust myself to be safe with how impulsive I've been feeling.



I think I should just go to bed.

[midnight_soul]

I know exactly how you feel and totally understand what you are saying. These diseases we all have sumed up to one main word--bi polar can makes us feel so ashamed around others that are normal, or seem to be etc. Every day our moods change many times over and over. Like yourself I have been saying why bother this suffer any longer. My furture is already damned. At least that's how I see it. You said you are afraid one day you end up on disability so I can only assume you are working at the moment????? I can't even work at all. Plus, I have tried and tried to get disability with all the embarassing facts from doctors saying I am uncapable of holding a job, plus I have physical disability also I have proff of stating the same thing however, because I stayed at home to mother my children for 7 years of my working life I am told I don't have enough points to earn disability. I am 47 and have worked with the exception of around 9 years total since I was 16. That angers me so much but Im not going into that.

If you do have a job for now cherish it even if you hate it. Feel blessed for every day you are earning money until it may one day stop. I wish I had words of encouragement but i am new here and still trying to cope with my problems. This is a great place, talk to us I promise you will ALWAYS feel at least a little bit better each time you read responses of all the ppl here.

From all of us to you. You are never alone in here.

[midnight_soul]

I failed to comment on your temptation to over medicate. I take those pills myself and I did over medicate on them not long ago. It wasn't a good expierence. I thought I would just pass out peacefully. Instead I woke up with sever stomach cramps and threw up for what seemed to be hours. "After that I felt like I had the worse hang over of my life. I know it's hard and I know you are looking for a way out. I have been doing the same thing but tomarrow I am seeing my shrink of whom I deeply trust. I am terrified of going back into the hospital, but my husband is going in with me to help me tell the truth that will most certainly land me back in the mental hospital. At least it is a good place, nice and cozy seroundings etc, and I have been there enough that many of the staff will know me. If he advises me to go in I will do it so that they can change my meds and keep an eye on me in case things go wrong. I would rather go there then to feel this way day after day after day etc. Please, don't do it. Call your pdoc and make a emergency appointment. I dont know you, but I am a motherly person and I tell you the truth........I care about you with this issue. Please try not to hide any more......if you can make the effort and make that call. You can do it.

[PT52]

Medicated: We didn't get a choice in being bipolar, there are a lot of things that happen that we don't get a say in. I have some major medical issues and I take more meds for them than I do for this. There are many times when I shake my fists at whatever or whoever is in charge of all this, because it isn't fair.

So you want to know what motivates me?
When you say this:

I fear that I'm destined for a lifetime of misery

I know how that feels. But somewhere along the way, I decided that I wasn't going to let myself have a lifetime of misery - that it is in my control. I can't change being BP, I can't change the physical problems I deal with every day and I can't make people around me behave differently. But I can choose to take care of myself.

It doesn't mean that there won't be plenty of times I'm really miserable...today was one of those days when everything made me cry. I guess what it comes down to for me is that I made a promise to myself - that I won't give up on me. Hope that helps.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Medicated

It would be a stupid thing to do, but I want to do it. I hate to make my mom the keeper of of my pills, but I'm not sure I trust myself to be safe with how impulsive I've been feeling.

Medicated I'm concerned as well and perhaps you should consider having your mom keep your medication. Also please don't hesitate to go to the ER.

I know what a struggle this illness can be and you know what it's not fair. You don't deserve to have to struggle or have to be concerned your dreams won't be fulfilled. In saying that there is hope and yes some days seem very hard, but I am soooo glad I wasn't successful in my attempts.

You are being responsible for your mental health by seeing your p-doc and therapist and I hope you start to feel some stability soon. Please keep posting.

[lotusflames]

medicated - please let us know you're ok

[sugahorse1]

HI there Medicated - seems we are in the same boat.
I've tried to take a handful of meds before adn my experiences were much the same as Mightnight Soul described.
The scary thing for me is that I feel that I've tried it once, I was brave (And stupid) enough to, and it seems a lot easier to fall back into that trap again.
Please dont do that. You have proffesionals that want to help you, and have all of us that care deeply for you.

[stinkymojo]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I'm discouraged.

The past few years of my life have been ugly when it comes to my bipolar. I've been in the hospital three times, and up and down and all over the place beside that. I'd say I've definitely gotten worse in the past couple years.

I fear that I'm destined for a lifetime of misery, and constant uncontrollable ups and downs which will ruin any chance of a career or family, or whatever aspirations I may have. My worst fear is that someday I'll end up on disability because my illness has gotten so bad that I am completely unable to function.

That's depressing, and sometimes I wonder why I bother fighting. I wonder why I'm trying so hard to get through and move on. Sometimes I think it would be easier to give up now and save myself a lifetime of agony and disappointment.

When I shared this thought with my normally cheerful therapist tonight, he suddenly became very serious and asked me if I am "safe," or if I need to go somewhere to be safe. I reassured him that I am, but he still seemed concerned. I've worked with him for over two years, and that is the first time he ever suggested that I might need more immediate help.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what motivates all of you to go on when things get dark and dreary and when the future looks bleak. What is your source of optimism in a life afflicted by bipolar?

First, please be safe and call 911 if you are intent on suicide. You CAN get help.

What motivates me is the "what if". Not the what if I never get stable, but the what if I DO get stable! My meds are working better every day but sometimes I get a little worried that I will never hold a job amongst other things. When I get worried, or when I want to check out, or when I think there's no hope, nothing will change, etc, I think "What if I get better and I miss out on finally enjoying my life".

I think, what if I destroy my children, my husband, my mother if I leave them by doing it myself? What if they think it's their fault? I think, what if I miss out on finally getting the farm I've always wanted? What if I never got the chance to really LIVE!

Don't give up hope for the what ifs. Your life can get better - getting worse is not the only potential outcome. When I think back now on all my suicide attempts I'm so grateful that I held in there a little longer. My life has been worth it, even if it hasn't been perfect. The good has far outweighed the bad.

I hope that you can gain just a little hope from my story. I sincerely hope you can choose to feel that the what ifs can be wonderful, but you have to stick around to find out. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Medicated]

Hi everyone. Yes, I'm still alive.

I don't intend to overdose, I was just saying that it's really tempting when I get discouraged.

I have gotten so much worse in the past few years that I deeply fear that this deterioration will be a continuing trend which will ruin me.

I told this to my therapist last night and he was sympathetic, understanding, and encouraging, although also concerned for my safety.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night and told him that I'm tempted to overdose and asked what he recommends. Hopefully he realizes that it won't happen unless I lose control... but I put it out there. Now he knows, and I'll let him decide what he thinks is best.

I still don't think I need to be hospitalized (again). I just need a dose of optimism or something. Sometimes I think it will all work out just fine, but sometimes I wonder who I'm kidding.

Anyway, that's the update. I'll let you know what the psychiatrist says whenever I hear back from him (and he's usually pretty quick about responding).

[sugahorse1]

I'm sure you know from past experiences of feeling this way that the feelings will subside again. You can control the urges (And alternatively you do know how to help yourself)
Thinking of you - keep strong!

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I know exactly how you feel and totally understand what you are saying. These diseases we all have sumed up to one main word--bi polar can makes us feel so ashamed around others that are normal, or seem to be etc. Every day our moods change many times over and over. Like yourself I have been saying why bother this suffer any longer. My furture is already damned. At least that's how I see it. You said you are afraid one day you end up on disability so I can only assume you are working at the moment????? I can't even work at all. Plus, I have tried and tried to get disability with all the embarassing facts from doctors saying I am uncapable of holding a job, plus I have physical disability also I have proff of stating the same thing however, because I stayed at home to mother my children for 7 years of my working life I am told I don't have enough points to earn disability. I am 47 and have worked with the exception of around 9 years total since I was 16. That angers me so much but Im not going into that.

If you do have a job for now cherish it even if you hate it. Feel blessed for every day you are earning money until it may one day stop. I wish I had words of encouragement but i am new here and still trying to cope with my problems. This is a great place, talk to us I promise you will ALWAYS feel at least a little bit better each time you read responses of all the ppl here.

From all of us to you. You are never alone in here.

Well, I'm not actually working. I'm a medical student doing my clinical rotations (working with real patients... for free... no income), but it's been a very bumpy road with two hospitalizations and my faculty constantly encouraging me to just quit. I fear I may never be able to have a career or hold a job if I can't make it through the rest of my schooling.

[BNLsMOM]

I just saw this thread.

I hope that you are feeling more safe right now. I just want to share with you that there is hope. i was in a similar boat as you in the last several years. I was getting more and more depressed, agitated, confused, etc. I finally went seeking help and was so discouraged when I kept getting worse. In the last 14 months, I was hospitalized 4 times. I was told that there were probably no meds that would help me and that I was just going to have to live with it. Finally, my p-nurse found a combo that made me feel a little better with few side effects. (right now I am only dealing with weight gain and a little morning drowsiness) We tweaked doses and I can honestly say that I feel balanced for the first time in years. I am even thinking about going back to school.

There is hope.

[thinker22]

When I have no hope I let others carry my hope for me: my T, my pdoc, and my partner have all told me that I will get better. After 3 years of depression I'm finally on a meds combo that makes me more than functional. So, they were right to hope and I was wrong to give up hope. Now I have proof. Now I can hope for a better future. My brain is not my enemy any more. I have hope for you that you will eventually (hopefully sooner than later) find the right meds to give you a sense of well being like I now have.

Another technique I have when thinking about the future, is what scientific discoveries will I miss if I check out early? We've recently found another planet that could harbor life...the first one ever. How cool is that? I want to be alive when nanotechnology can repair our cells from the inside and we can all add decades to our lifespan. I want to be alive when all the people who were cryogenically frozen are thawed and healed with such nanobots and brought back to life. I want to be alive for when we have a manned space mission to Mars. Or when a trip to the moon is affordable for middle class people (even though I'm below the poverty line, maybe someday I will be able to hold a job that earns me such an income). I want to be alive for when the most elegant equation possible that describes both the behavior of quantum particles and the universe as a whole comes to light. Like when plate techtonics unified all the geological theories that were out there.

There are many other things I could list, but those are a few of the reasons why I keep going, even on bad days. Most importantly, I would never want to leave behind so much guilt and confusion to the people I love, wondering if somehow they could have done something different so I wouldn't have done it. You seem to be a rational person and I'm sure you've thought those thoughts too. I know you will make it, but if you feel unsafe (too impulsive), definitely go to the hospital. You won't regret saving your own life. Why? For as many bad things that may be in the future, there will be at least as many good things. We have to hope against our pessimism sometimes. Why? It isn't the whole truth any more than an optimistic outlook is.

Take care and stay safe.

[Ithurts]

Really good question. The future can be faced with fear or with positive energy. So far I have the fear part down.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm glad you didn't take those pills. If it is seriously that tempting try not to wait till it gets the best of you. I hate to hear that things are getting worse for you, but there has to be the right meds for you. They just haven't found it yet. I guess that is part of what helps get me through, I have hope that things will get better and that they will find the right med combo for me. It helps knowing some have already found it. The other thing that gets me through is my family, I can't do that to them. I hope you can find your strength and what will pull you through. Big hugs to you medicated.

[lonegael]

How are you, medicated? What's up your end of the wood?

[Medicated]

I'm actually doing pretty well. The klonopin makes a big difference. Can't talk now... more later.

[Lilleth]

What motivates me to keep going is that from the age of 16 to around 28 I was on social security in hostels and temporary housing with my 3 children sometimes I had jobs but lost them due to not being able to afford childcare and redundancy. I remember how bad I felt. I used to pray for God to keep me going so that I would be able to keep my children with me. I am in my 50s now and most days I wake up I dread faching another day I dont want to get up but I force myself to as I dont want to lose my job I have been able to work for the last 14 years and keep going. I should not be so depressed as some people say to me what have you got to be depressed about I though you got over that years ago. I have to keep working as the alternative would be much worse.

[Lilleth]

reading what poohbar has written its what kept me going as well know that if I did anything it would be those whom I left behind that would bare the pain. Its hard carrying on but you hve too.

[Medicated]

So I'm drugged up on Klonopin. No longer agitated... instead a little loopy and sleepy, but still able to function if I had to. Not feeling so depressed, either. Hopefully increasing the abilify will be helpful. Next therapy appt is Monday, see the psychiatrist again on Friday. I can make it until then...

Yea, Medicated! It *is* good to not be agitated and not so depressed as well. Titrating the meds seems so slow, but hoping for you that that will be the ticket. Keep us posted, ok?

[Medicated]

I emailed my psychiatrist and he said it should take 3-5 days for the abilify increase to kick in. It's been three days, and I feel a little better, but not cured. I wonder if he should have increased the dose by more than 5mg. I was on 15, but I would have been willing to try 30, especially if it would mean we could stop a couple of my other meds.

I'm still taking the klonopin BID as directed, but I'm ready to stop it. It makes me sleepy during the day, which is hard to work with.... but I'll be a good girl and follow the doc's directions and keep taking it unless he tells me otherwise.

I have so many questions for him... let's hope I can remember them all when I see him on Friday.

[sugahorse1]

I find that Klonopin has been my saving grace - it numbs me and stops the anxiety/aggitation. A much better boat to be in, rather than that deep depression

Glad things are looking up

[WendyAussie]

Hey Medicated. Yes, I agree with others that your immediate priority is your safety. It strikes me that your therapist is a caring, loving and very astute one, as he has had the clarity to see that you are genuinely having thoughts about self harm. Good mental health clincians are hard to come by so I would listen to, and act on his advice. If you need a stay in hospital so be it. I have had four and while they're not pleasant experiences - I mean we are very sick when we are in there, they can be lifesaving and can really boost our mental health.

I know you have fears for the future and I totally understand. I'm an 11 years sober AA member so I can say one of our saying which is "take things one day at a time and try not to project too far into the future". I use a therapy style called ACT and Mindfulness which also helps one keep in the day.

Having said all that, pretty much everything you are concerned about happening to you has happened in my life. I lost a significant career, my house, family and friends who didn't want to stick around with someone with serious mental illness and also family I have had to turn away who won't address their own addiction and mental illnesses. I am now on the Disability Support Pension (Australia). This all happened both because of my illnesses and also gross long-term mis-prescription by psychiatrists.

I am frank with you about what has happened because I have a point to make. And that is that humans are amazingly durable beings and we can adjust to pretty much anything, if we allow ourselves to be flexible and be open to new horizons. My fall has been great - I was in a high status high paying career, and here I am on the pension under the Poverty Line. I must declare that I have recently been awarded insurance claims because I can no longer work in that career and I am buying a small home in another town. That just goes to show that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't always a semi trailer coming your way!! lol

For so long, it's been so bleak, so lonely (still is), no hope, just bleeding the money I had when I had to sell my former home just to live. But am really starting to turn around my attitude. I tried to go back to work last year and had a meltdown and had to resign - my career was a very high pressure one. I still have the intellectual strengths but I cannot handle pressure. I tried to go back to study this year but for various reasons I had to bail. I moved to the town I am in 2 years ago to tap into family - but they have rejected me. All three scenarios left me in deep and dangerous depression - but that's totally understandable.

Now I am going into a totally new phase with new opportunities. I will always be Bipolar and have my other illnesses, but I am still a human being, deserving of love and a robust life, and so do you - whatever path your life takes.