[wny-er]

Hi, I am Alexandra... Alex for short.

I've been disabled from and living with bipolar for around 22 years at this point. I cannot work at all because when I do I become totally manic and as everyone knows here that kind of ruins everything. It's only been the last 8 or so years that I have had a functioning life. I find it amusing because most people in my life don't even know I had it and can't figure out why I am disabled.

I feel that people who don't have it just don't understand so I never talk about it with anyone but my psychiatrist. Frankly I am tired of not being understood. I recently read a book that had a link leading here, so here I am. I have not had any support or even known anyone else who has this for a bunch of years now. Just found an offline support group I am going to go check out next week.

Anyway, it would be nice to feel I am not alone anymore and also be somewhere that people don't use the word "bipolar" as an insult.

Thanks for being here!

[simoneadams91]

Hi all, I'm Simone.
This is my first time talking online to other people about my problems, but i didn't know where else to turn to. I've been in in-patient treatment as well as out-patient treatment. both kept me stable for awhile, but I'm always moving around so they couldn't do much i guess. Now, I am student and dealing with this illness has become a little more harder to bare. With the stress of not having a job, no money, and no help from family, it's been one hell of a roll-a-coaster for me. one minute I'm happy, the next I'm ready to jump off a building.
So, for help with my manic-depressive episodes, I'm turning to you all.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by simoneadams91

Hi all, I'm Simone.
This is my first time talking online to other people about my problems, but i didn't know where else to turn to. I've been in in-patient treatment as well as out-patient treatment. both kept me stable for awhile, but I'm always moving around so they couldn't do much i guess. Now, I am student and dealing with this illness has become a little more harder to bare. With the stress of not having a job, no money, and no help from family, it's been one hell of a roll-a-coaster for me. one minute I'm happy, the next I'm ready to jump off a building.
So, for help with my manic-depressive episodes, I'm turning to you all.

Glad you found this forum! I've never done this online either but now one can't shut me up About your BP, are you on any meds? Sometimes the schools will have a health center you can go to. It's so hard to be alone and trying to do everything yourself, even for a person not dealing with an illness. We're here to support you so keep on typing!

[Rose76]

Is there anyone who can say that valproic acid, or Depakote, was of really life-changing value for them?

[Annie Laurie]

Thanks, everyone,

I'm feeling very disconnected. I have phone calls in to two different M.D.s; one is my psych. because I need a change of Rx, I'm sure. I haven't heard back from her so I'm feeling abandoned but that's just me. The other is a referring psych. m.d. for a bp. group. On another day, I called his secretary, and I've heard from neither.

Today is a bit better in that I feel a bit less. On the other hand, I'm not sure if overall it's better not to feel. Could be the Abilify kicking in.

C.S. Lewis says it's better to pity oneself than to pity no one at all. :-)

I agree with that, in truth I do. I had lunch with a couple of people yesterday, one of whom I had known years ago. I hadn't remembered her as being as cruel (not to me -- just in general in talking about people) as she seemed yesterday. She asked about someone we had both known, someone who has mental/emotional issues. I told her that I did know that the person had been struggling with many difficulties, although I hadn't seen her in many years either, but the old friend just wanted to talk about how "crazy" and "weird" she was.

It's a sad world. The old friend wanted to be sure started keeping up again. I certainly don't want to. The thought of friends like that is really depressing.

[simoneadams91]

Originally Posted by porcupine2

Glad you found this forum! I've never done this online either but now one can't shut me up About your BP, are you on any meds? Sometimes the schools will have a health center you can go to. It's so hard to be alone and trying to do everything yourself, even for a person not dealing with an illness. We're here to support you so keep on typing!

Thanks for the welcome . It definitely put a smile on my face. No, I'm currently not on any meds. I haven't been treated for it since October of last year.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Is there anyone who can say that valproic acid, or Depakote, was of really life-changing value for them?

I've only been on depakote, but I put on 40 lbs and started seeing double. We used to joke in therapy cuz we could always tell who recently started on it by the sudden weight gain. "Ah, so they started you on depakote!" It was a horrible experience for me. But then again meds are different for everyone.

[Rose76]

I've been on 2 different mood stabilizers Lamictal and Lithium.

The pdocs have tried those 2 mood stabilizers, but haven't mentioned Depakote.

It's becoming plain to me that I get hypomanic. The cycling through different moods has gotten prominent lately. I already am having visual problems and I really don't want to gain more weight. Everyone is different. But I won't get my hopes up that Depakote could be a magic bullet.

Thank you, Porcupine for the feedback. That's valuable input. I see that Depakote has it's downside. Also, I better understand why pdocs haven't suggested it.

I am interested in learning more about what does bring cycling under control for bipolars. I guess it varies. Mood stabilizers seem to be the mainstay, with other things sometimes added. I'm getting worn out with trying new meds, but if I heard a good testimonial to something, I could feel more hopeful and willing to try it. Maybe someone has found success with some non-med strategy that helps reduce the cycling.

[wny-er]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I've been on 2 different mood stabilizers Lamictal and Lithium.

I am interested in learning more about what does bring cycling under control for bipolars. I guess it varies. Mood stabilizers seem to be the mainstay, with other things sometimes added. I'm getting worn out with trying new meds, but if I heard a good testimonial to something, I could feel more hopeful and willing to try it. Maybe someone has found success with some non-med strategy that helps reduce the cycling.

I take Trileptal (oxcarbazepine). It is the only thing that has worked for me. It was like a miracle drug! I've tried depakote, tegretol, and lithium, none of which helped. The side effects of depakote became unacceptable to me within a month so went off it as soon as possible. Maybe it will work for you though. I supplement the Trileptal with Wellbutrin which I tolerate very well. I have heard a lot of people don't though.

One thing nice about trileptal is that I take all of it at night which gives me a full nights rest that I would not normally have. The bad thing is that I still sometimes feel tired during the day but I will totally take that. It is worth it because since I started it years ago I have not had to be hospitalized at all. I now function and have a full life.

Also, I downloaded "optimism lite" to my computer. It is a free mood chart program that I can keep track of triggers, stay well strategies and symptoms. I print it out and take it in to the therapist as well as my psychiatrist. For me, looking at a chart gives me a better perspective than trying to remember how things are going because if I am fluctuating in moods than my memory perception will be off. It is a great "non-med" strategy that supports what meds can't do.

I don't have anyone personally in my life who can see if I am "off" or not so I have had to find ways of doing it myself. I've had to become proactive in my own health and wellbeing. It seems like you are also doing that and that will benefit you down the line. It is always better to know more and have your research in hand.

Alex

[Starchild3]

Hi! New Here... I just received my official diagnosis yesterday. Started Lamictal today, and can't wait to start feeling better. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety in 2008, although I have had anxiety and OCD tendencies since childhood. I was asked by my husband to see a psychologist and from there was very quickly referred to a psychiatrist which is where I got my bipolar diagnosis. I am still in shock, I was very upset with this diagnosis just because of the stigma.

I am a RN, and have 3 beautiful children. I have been married for 5 yrs but we have separated 3 times and now analyzing everthing, it was due to my manic phase. My career is the only thing that hasn't been affected with my mental health. I can control my emotions very well for 40hrs a week. I hope to find some insight and advise on this board. Thanks for listening

[Rose76]

Alex (wny-er), Thanks for the feedback. I really liked your idea about using the software. I was all set to download it, when I saw that I don't have the right brand of computer. I do use the Psych. Central mood graph with notes, which I like a lot. But it kind of whets my appetite for something I could put more info into. I'm shopping the Net, but I can't afford to pay much. I haven't seen anything free for PC's. I suppose I could start something just on the office software I've got, but there is nothing like a tool designed specific to the job.
Thanks again.

[porcupine2]

I wish I was a computer geek. I just got a new laptop and am having problems just logging in. I hate calling tech support because I never know what the heck they're talking about and then I get flustered. So I'm still using my old PC

[jlock4507]

My name is Jessica, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar II about a week ago. It was hard to hear, but in a way I was glad to find out because now we have more to work with. My physician was trying to treat me for depression, and any ssri she put me on, would make me feel angry, agitated, hostile, just terrible all in all. My symptoms are not really noticeable to people that don't know me. A lot of it, I just feel. The day after I told my husband of 6 years, he told me he wants to leave me. So here I am. Thankful to have you guys to talk to.

[Rose76]

jlock, sorry that you've received that reaction at home. How hurtful. You are doing the responsible things to get a handle on your problem. I think that is greatly furthered by getting diagnosed carefully. Others here can relate to a failure of support where one would most hope to find it. Support is here, though, and much experience to share. Good luck as you work your way toward effective treatment. The med trials can be a trial indeed.

[Annie Laurie]

Hi again, everyone,

I'm looking forward to hearing how everyone responds to Lamictal. I have still not heard from either M.D. I was feeling so terrible that I stopped taking Lexapro (had been taking 20 mg daily) and have interestingly been feeling quite a bit better. This morning I decided I might need to take a bit, so I bit it in approx half (couldn't find my pill cutter) and swallowed that. I'm afraid to take the little bit of Ability because it deadens my feelings so much.

It is good to know that this forum is here. I have noticed that I am eating much more than usual and working especially hard. I think I'm staying rather focused at work. Don't think I'm doing very well, though.

[spartiandbumble]

Hi
I am new and have BP and some other problems. Just recovering from a stay in hospital and looking for support. It is lonely out here!!

[Starchild3]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Hi again, everyone,

I'm looking forward to hearing how everyone responds to Lamictal. I have still not heard from either M.D. I was feeling so terrible that I stopped taking Lexapro (had been taking 20 mg daily) and have interestingly been feeling quite a bit better. This morning I decided I might need to take a bit, so I bit it in approx half (couldn't find my pill cutter) and swallowed that. I'm afraid to take the little bit of Ability because it deadens my feelings so much.

It is good to know that this forum is here. I have noticed that I am eating much more than usual and working especially hard. I think I'm staying rather focused at work. Don't think I'm doing very well, though.

Since I have started on Lamictal I have noticed I am eating more than usual also. Everything I read says weight loss for Lamictal but with my appetite I can't see that being possible. I'm also very intrested in finding how how people fair on this medication.

[Rose76]

I tried Lamictal twice. The second time I stuck with it for months. It didn't seem to have any effect whatsoever on me, good or bad. I was told that the effect would be subtle. Well, it didn't help at all. Didn't seem to bother me though. My weight didn't change. That is a real expensive drug, btw. I guess it must do good for some, or they wouldn't be able to sell it.

[jlock4507]

I just thought I would post again I love PC and everyone here! you guys are all great, and all the support I get here makes me feel really welcome. Thank you all

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Hi again, everyone,

I'm looking forward to hearing how everyone responds to Lamictal..

I've been one of the lucky ones with Lamictal. However the generic I absolutely cannot take and there are many people who have noticed the difference between brand and generic. I take 300 mg per day and it is a godsend.

[Annie Laurie]

Good morning, everyone,

Thanks for all the lovely responses. I feel so much more connected since I've found this forum. The person who told me about Lamictal said it slows down his verbal response time when he's feeling irritable and gives him enough time to consider biting his tongue before saying things he'll regret. I need that. My job requires that I spend quite a bit of one-on-one time with many people -- averaging 150-225) during the day (No, it isn't a customer service job; it's a professional career, but one with no support from anyone in a position to assist me -- replicating my childhood.) Anyway, I think I do amazingly well not to be biting lots of heads off, but when I snap even a bit, I can end up feeling suicidal. Much of the time, I'm in depressed mode (never cry, wish I would), mixed with irratibility and/or panic. I was raped when I was a child (7-8). My mother knew but blamed me -- told me "nice girls didn't do things like that. She also had a "nervous breakdown" and was hospitalized for ECT treatments for many months when I was five. My siblings and I went sent to homes of relatives we didn't know. My father came to see me once and yelled at me then. I was never told anything about why I was abandoned. Believed it was my fault because I was bad. I get triggered into PTSD rape and abandonment issues when I get very stressed and have panic attacks but think I actually am very high functioning. I am a recovering alcoholic/valium users (30 years clean/sober), no longer smoke, but have lost a best friend within the past year. She wouldn't even speak with me about the fact that she was going to stop being my friend after 20+ years. I sensed it was going to happen when she began being very sarcastic with me and I made the attempt to communicate but when she wouldn't discuss things, I let go. I know I'm a difficult person. I feel sad about it, though. I have another longtime friend from whom I am withdrawing also.

The two psychiatrists whom I have called, one the m.d. I had seen regularly during the past decade, haven't returned my calls from the past two weeks. The other is the person with whom one should get in touch to enter a bipolar group. I tried a couple of times to get in touch with him.

I feel a little bit that I'm not worthy of getting help. (Now, I really don't "think" this. It's just a feeling I have -- that one that gets triggered from a long time ago.)

Meanwhile, since I've been taking a bit less antidepressant, I feel significantly better.

I know I need help. I feel AND think I'm on the edge but I don't think it's a good sign that many of my efforts to reach out are meeting with a resounding lack of success. I called a helpline last night and spoke with someone there. I had also received another phone number from them a week or so ago and called that one, only to have reached with that call a FAX line. The people on the helpline were helpful, however, as are all of you. :-)

I can see the humor in all this. It's rather like a Seinfeld show, really.

I'm also afraid of beginning therapy with a new person, but believe I need to find someone I can trust. I don't do well talking with someone who functions only in the Western scientific mode. If the only goal is to return me to functioning well in COLD MATERIAL WORLD REALITY, then I say to hell with it. I struggle every day to find a way to find meaning in this suffering. It's important to me to find someone who can work with me on finding ways to find meaning/transcend this while dealing with only the meds I have to take. If they see it as only about the meds (and I'm afraid my m.d. was rather of the cool, rational type -- not to put too much of a b&w slant on it), then why bother.

I can't remember what I'm talking about. I need help, but I don't want to see someone who will blame me and overmedicate me.

I'm feeling rather desperate.

Annie Laurie

[wny-er]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Alex (wny-er), Thanks for the feedback. I really liked your idea about using the software. I was all set to download it, when I saw that I don't have the right brand of computer. I do use the Psych. Central mood graph with notes, which I like a lot. But it kind of whets my appetite for something I could put more info into. I'm shopping the Net, but I can't afford to pay much. I haven't seen anything free for PC's. I suppose I could start something just on the office software I've got, but there is nothing like a tool designed specific to the job.
Thanks again.

Hi Rose,

Sorry for the late reply, I didn't realize I wouldn't get any updates in my email until I clicked the original response. Just saw this today. Optimism does have a PC version (for a ridiculous price ) but Optimism Lite, the one I have that is free, is not listed for some reason, not sure why. Maybe it is only available through the app store for macs.

I looked around and there are some other good ones but they all cost money, which is a shame. There are, however, a few places you can download one, print it and fill it in yourself. There are 3 specifically but I was just informed I can't post links till I do more posts.

I'm not familiar with the Psych Central one. Anyway, I do hope they come out with something for PCs. I know more people with PCs than Macs. I just recommended it to the new bipolar group I went to but didn't know it was for mac only. Thanks for letting me know. I'll have to let the group leader know so if he mentions it to people he'll know too.

Alex

[Rose76]

I am rapid cycling and it is wearing me down something awful. Any rapid cyclers reading this thread? Any advice on stabilizing. I am dealing with being diagnosed as bipolar and then undiagnosed, and then a repeat of that. I thought rapid cycling was from hour to hour. Now, from my reading, I see that's more a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. Rapid cycling is 2 weeks down, then a week okay. That is what I seem to be dealing with. I wish some pdoc where I go for meds would understand how wearing this is. Probably I have not explained it well enough. I want to get off this Merry- go- round. I am litterally sick to my stomach with the mood swings.

[BamBam83]

People call me Bam. I was diagnosed as bipolar I last April after a manic episode and suicide attempt. I was put on an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. The anti-depressant triggered a psychotic episode and landed me in another psychiatric hospital after a second suicide attempt just 2 months after my first attempt. I believe I have much to learn about this illness. I experience rapid cycling and can only hope that I can shut up long enough to continue to learn and grow with my illness. I suffer from severe paranoia at night. I'm currently on respirdal and depakote and agreeably stable. I worry that the medicine is taking away from my great highs I used to have. I'm currently reading the book "Unquiet Mind" and it's giving me an interesting perspective. Although I don't think my case is as intense as the main character in the book, I feel there are similarities there in actions taken and thoughts expressed. I am on PC to get feedback from others with Bipolar as well as gain some knowledge and recommendations for reading material and blogs. I'm also interested in interacting with some like-minded people as I've felt pretty alone since being diagnosed. There is only one support group that meets in city where I live and next to zero resources. I also write a lot and thought this would be a great place to post some of the poems or other things that I've written but I'm having trouble with that since I haven't been a member for a month yet. I appreciate any feedback or reading recommendations- thanks!

[wny-er]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am rapid cycling and it is wearing me down something awful. Any rapid cyclers reading this thread? Any advice on stabilizing. I am dealing with being diagnosed as bipolar and then undiagnosed, and then a repeat of that. I thought rapid cycling was from hour to hour. Now, from my reading, I see that's more a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. Rapid cycling is 2 weeks down, then a week okay. That is what I seem to be dealing with. I wish some pdoc where I go for meds would understand how wearing this is. Probably I have not explained it well enough. I want to get off this Merry- go- round. I am litterally sick to my stomach with the mood swings.

Hi Rose,

I am also a rapid cycler with mixed episodes. It sounds like you are having mixed episodes. When I was unmedicated my cycling was very fast, like yours. I was also surprised to hear that rapid cycling was "supposed to be a certain way". One thing you need to keep in mind, Bipolar doesn't play by the rules all the time and everyone is different. There are a lot of factors involved including your own chemistry. I personally found the only way to control it is with medication. Borderline has a lot more involved with it than mood swings. Your relationships with other people are more reflective of that.

Do you keep a journal? It might be helpful to log your cycles and how to are feeling to give to your doctor to better explain what you are going through. Has he prescribed any meds yet? If so, maybe they need to be increased. Have you given them enough time to start working?

For me, and i wonder if it is because I am a rapid cycler, I increase and decrease based on the stress in my life. I have been on meds a long time. Recently though, because of increased stress, I asked for it to be increased. I find that is helping a lot. I hate the side effects but I hate the hospital more. Also, again for me, I find an anticonvulsant coupled with an antidepressant to be the best "cocktail". But again, everyone is different as an unfortunate as it is, you have to keep trying till you find what works. Trust me when I say that once you do find the right combination you will feel immensely better.

Hang in there...

Alex