[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by bellearachne

i was diagnosed bipolar about 4 weeks ago after being depressed, borderline, ptsd, ocd. ive been seeing therapists for 10 years and searching for the right meds just as long.

its been a rough four weeks i kinda always though i might be bipolar but have been in denial. more afraid of the stigma than of the disorder. what does it mean? for me? for my soon to be 7 year old son? for my family?

im scared of myself. not of harming others or myself but of not having control of my emotions. of the surges of happiness and depression, of my reactions to it.

i came here to find solutions as im feeling a bit pro-active today. if not solutions maybe reassurances or answers....something...

i hope to get the help i need and to be of some help to others.

thank you for this opportunity

bellearachne

Hi,
I hope things have turned around for you. Seeing this old post from you answered one of my many questions. I wondered if others ppl scare themselves. I guess it's part of the "new" process.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by bipolarchick75

Can anyone tell me how to find benefits for help with my bipolar illness? I can't seem to find the right Dr and keep find off my meds bc of lack of funds

Hi Bipolarchick75,

I have a few suggestions:

contact your local: Department of Mental Health, Department of Human Services, NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Health) and DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). I'm sure one of these agencies can point you in the right direction.

I wish you Peace, Recovery and Wellness,

Coco

[Cocosurviving]

Hi,
My name is Nicole. I live in TN, I'm a Mental Health Social Worker and I have bipolar I.
My BP onset was spring 2011. I was misdiagnosed with depression and then put on the worse medication for a person with BP….an antidepressant—alone. I now have more mania due to the above.

My first month was very rocky. I get so manic that I scare myself. I do not have much depression. Right now my psychiatrist is trying to find the right combination of medications for me.

I’m trying very hard to stay positive. I have found support groups, community programs and started working on my own WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). I’m stuck on “create a crisis plan”. I’m stuck because of fear. The thought of being in-patient terrifies me. I’m still trying to process the fact that I am bipolar. I was correctly diagnosed Aug 1, 2012——so I’m not only new to Psych Central and this Bipolar Forum...I'm REALLY new to being on the opposite side of the table with bipolar (patient).

It’s still hard for me to say it out loud even to myself. I am not ashamed, I’m scared. I have so many fears. This was just not part of my life plan. I was not aware MI ran in my family until Labor Day 2011.

I never throw in the towel and did not plan on doing so at this point in my life. Being apart of an online MH community is part of how I'm going to stay stable. I am not symptom free yet but I soon will be.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by sonotony

Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled with the mental illness of bipolar disorder. I would cycle through high-energy manic phases where I would feel energized, powerful and creative and often go several weeks with only one or two hours of sleep per night and often several days in a row with no sleep at all. This would be followed by many weeks to months of severe dark depression where I would totally lose the will to live. I would completely withdraw from friends, family, work and responsibility and slowly watch my world collapse around me. This would eventually be followed by another manic phase where I would "kick it in gear" and work round-the-clock to try to fix all the problems I caused during my dark depression.
In high school I went from being an honor roll student with leadership positions and a three sport athlete to becoming a drop out my junior year. Despite my self-destructive behavior, I managed to pull myself together - well sort of - After six years and five different colleges, I finally earned my bachelors degree. From there I served as an army officer, earned an MBA from a top ranked school and had a successful, decade-long career in the pharmaceutical industry.
As time passed however, my mental illness grew progressively worse. Manic episodes were no longer euphoric. They were governed by stress, anxiety and irrational behavior that cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars and destruction of several interpersonal relationships. This combined with my severe depression eventually cost me my career, my home and almost my marriage. Depression got so bad that I was no longer able to work. I couldn't think or concentrate on the simplest of tasks like making a basic grocery list. I would stay in bed for days, often sleeping 20 or more hours per day without eating.
During this entire time, not only was I undiagnosed, I was in denial that there was anything wrong with me. When I found myself in a psychiatric ward of a hospital after almost taking my own life, God finally got my attention and brought me to my knees. I finally received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder which was the beginning of self understanding, but far from the end of my journey. In many ways, things became more difficult. In less than two years time I was hospitalized two more times and partially hospitalized another two times while going through more than a dozen psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists as well as over a dozen different medications, most of which left me worse off than if I taken no medication.
All this was going on while I was an active member of my church, serving in the junior high ministry and involved in two small group Bible studies. I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I felt embarrassed, alone and ashamed. I felt like I was a bad Christian for letting fear, depression and anxiety rule my life. I felt like a failure as a husband and father for not being able to take care of my family. I couldn't even take care of myself. When I finally got the courage to reach out to my closest Christian friends, I was met with the bewilderment and confusion. Even those who wanted to help admitted that they didn't understand. It felt like they all looked at me differently after I told them about my mental illness. Some friends asked a lot of questions. I'm sure it was well-intentioned, but it felt like an inquisition where I felt I needed to justify and defend myself.
I have prayed for years now that God heal me and make me whole... that he remove this thorn from my flesh. Despite best efforts from myself and my support team, I have not been made well, but I've learned to accept, at least for now, that God's grace will be sufficient for me.

Sonotony,

I hate that your journey has been so rocky. You have experienced a taste of Hell but yet your still here. You're so strong and that may not have crossed your mind. I've worked in mental health for seven years and I wish I could tell you stigma will go away. I hope you know that those that look down on you, judge you and blame you are misinformed. Real Christians would ask what they can do for you, would seek to learn about your condition with an open mind.

I have struggled with my diagnoses and still do but I was absolutely share about a few things. 1). My bipolar diagnosis is not my fault. Bipolar is genetic for most people and caused by trauma for others. 2). Bipolar is not contagious 3). There is recovery for bipolar disorder.

I encourage you to contact your local NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness, DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and Department of Mental Health. They can let you know about support groups, educational opportunities and other programs to help with your wellness.

I have found Mary Ellen Copeland's WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) to be very helpful.

Wishing you Peace, Recovery and Wellness,

Coco

[MargoMay32]

Hello, I'm Corey and I'm from Idaho. I'm a 21 year old college student who just recently came to understand that she is bipolar. I have a good friend who is and when she started noticing that I did a lot of the same things as her she urged me to just get check out to make sure I was healthy and safe. After a few sitdowns with the Student Health Services on my campus they decided; more like narrowed it down, that I was bipolar, so I'm just began my wonderful andventure on this road, haha.

I'm hoping that being able to do a support system like this and keep up with it will help me to not feel so disconnected from the people around me who don't know that I am bipolar. I do function pretty well in my life but when I do get off my schedule is when I can have my phases that I go through and they last for a pretty long time depending on the trigger.

But I hope you are all very well and good when you get to see this !

[IgnoranceIsBliss:):]

Hello,

I am 20 years old who was just diagnosed with BP 1, I'm in denial about having the illness (even though I know the shoe fits). It's very difficult being a college student and struggling with this illness. No body seems to understand and thats why I found this forum. Any advice is welcome and appreciated!

Thank you

[Reb16]

[QUOTE=Phoenix060912;2547547][FONT=Calibri]Hi, all. My name is Stephanie and I am new to Psych Central. And I am definitely new to the Bipolar Forum. I need to talk about it with someone. I mean, I have with my therapist and doctor, but lately it is not enough. I am a 38 woman who is a high school English teacher by profession. Amazingly, I have been in a wonderful relationship for fifteen years. My wife is my rock. But I need more than one person. Even though people believe I am doing well, I feel as though my world is falling apart. On top of surviving childhood sexual abuse, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I (rapid cycling) with psychotic features ten years ago. The illness has progressively gotten worse over the years to the point that it is “treatment refractory.” I’ve been hospitalized several times, I’ve undergone ECT treatments, I am in individual therapy, and I was in a partial hospitalization program for nine months. I am unable to work now and it sucks. I have too much time alone on my hands. I am loc

[Reb16]

[QUOTE=Cocosurviving;2594054]Hi,
My name is Nicole. I live in TN, I'm a Mental Health Social Worker and I have bipolar I.
My BP onset was spring 2011. I was misdiagnosed with depression and then put on the worse medication for a person with BP .an antidepressant alone. I now have more mania due to the above.

My first month was very rocky. I get so manic that I scare myself. I do not have much depression. Right now my psychiatrist is trying to find the right combination of medications for me.

I m trying very hard to stay positive. I have found support groups, community programs and started working on my own WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). I m stuck on create a crisis plan . I m stuck because of fear. The thought of being in-patient terrifies me. I m still trying to process the fact that I am bipolar. I was correctly diagnosed Aug 1, 2012 so I m not only new to Psych Central and this Bipolar Forum...I'm REALLY new to being on the opposite side of the table with bipolar (patient).

It s still hard for m

[KBee87]

Hi,

I'm still wondering whether I'm in the right place at the moment. I haven't been to my GP yet about my mental health but I'm reasonably sure I am bipolar even though there is this voice inside my head telling me to stop being so damned ridiculous.

I've always been what I just thought was a little left of center to everybody else ... always a bit erratic and generally confused with the way my mind works. When i was 18 i met and fell in love with a boy who was bipolar and I think my tendency to be drawn towards people with mental illnesses has stopped me from recognising my own.

I've been consumed with this one thought for days now ... "I think i'm bipolar". It won't go away and I'm so sure it's right. It makes sense to me. I know what it looks like in other people.

I'm mostly concerned that those who know me won't see it. They'll think I'm being dramatic, stupid... foolish. I'm not an unsuccessful person... I'm productive most of the time and capable with lots of what is thrown my way. The thing is they don't see what I see in me. They don't know how hard I've struggled to regulate my life.

I'm not quite sure this was what I am supposed to write here, haha.

[AuntieD]

Hello, my name is Danielle, and I'm 30 years old (this will be important later). I was diagnosed with borderline BP back in 2007, although we are pretty sure it was onset as a teenager and just pushed aside as "hormones". Since the diagnosis, i've switched medicines, doctors, and therapists. I'm now in a place where i *was* on the right medicine cocktail, (i'll get to the *was* in a second) seeing the right doctor, and enjoying the right therapist.

So, why for the *was*? Well, I got married over a year ago, and my husband and I had wanted to start trying for a family this summer. Like I said, i'm 30 and i want more than 1 child, which means amniocentesis is most definitely in my future. So at the beginning of this year, we decided to slow my meds down in very small steps, since i'm planning on breastfeeding, and potentially not getting back on meds for a very long time. With therapy, i've been doing EXTREMELY well adjusting... until now. Earlier this year, my mother's lung cancer (diagnosed in 2010) was moved to stage 4, and it was decided she would go through extremely aggressive treatment. Well, it wasn't working, and right around the time they discovered that, she came down with pneumonia. two weeks in a hospital, and two weeks in a hospice later, my mother passed away at age 49. She was beyond my best friend. She was my "person" (like they say on TV) that i went to for EVERYTHING. Like we talked every single day, usually multiple times, or just chatting on IM.

At first, i was in "shock" and "denial" and dealing with everything really well. We put off the step down that was to come next in my meds, and then when we resumed, my dr said he wanted to go slower than we were before because of how long grief works in your system. So then, our timeframe became the holidays.

The last few weeks, i've felt extremely lonely. It's not like there are support groups for people who lost a loved one while they were decreasing their mental health meds in order to have a baby. Well, two weeks ago, my dosages were 50 mg of Lamictal and 25 mg of Zoloft - baby doses. My doctor took me off the zoloft completely, and low and behold, there was that depression from the grief, just waiting for me. Now I'm crying all the time, and freaking out. If I go back on the zoloft, that could push back the time frame of us getting pregnant, and right now it's ALL i want. (yes, i know some women get pregnant on medications, but the hubs and i discussed it thoroughly and we want me to be on no meds. My therapist will like it when i see her two times a week i'm sure LOL)

My husband is encouraging me to try more holistic methods before going back on the zoloft - changing my diet, exercising more - but all i want is comfort foods and to lay in bed. As we were chatting today on IM, the statement i made that led me here was:

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE F***ING NORMAL FOR ONCE IN MY G** DAMNED LIFE?!?!
why does everything have to be so f***ing difficult?

I realized that while there isn't a support group out there that caters to the EXACT stage of life i'm going through, there are still plenty of places to get support, outside of therapy. And since i can't go to my BFF (she just got pregnant with her third, due May 4th), or my Sister-In-Law (she just got pregnant with her second, due May 10th - no i'm not even joking), or my other female friends, who aren't even in serious relationships, let alone thinking about children, i started searching for a forum until i found this one.

My apologies for the long-windedness, I tend to word-vomit when I write. Anyways, I'm sure I'll be lurking around and responding to the forum, but I wanted to introduce myself so you know where I'm coming from.

Thanks!

[newhope]

hi you can call me newhope im new here im 48 married for 27 yrs have 3 children 3 grand children my councelors on and off said i was depressed thats all they told me my 19 yr old sons family doc said he was bipolar about 1 yr ago not sure i know the difference between the 2 other then bipolar is up and down i started out like that years ago but every time i went on meds i just was low hopeing to learn and find out more i think now when i look back my dad was bipolar would love some input thanks

[iluvdukie1]

Hey everyone, I just joined the psychcentral community yesterday. I know I am definitely different, and lately I have been noticing that I am CONSTANTLY switching between being depressed and like super happy and irritated and jittery. I think I might have bipolar disorder or cyclothymia, but I may just be over exaggerating. I have taken tons of quizzes and all of them say that I have a mood disorder, but I just have a feeling that I am over exaggerating. I REALLY want to get things figured out, it really hangs over me during the day, the feeling of wondering if something is wrong or not. And I can't tell my parents about it quite yet, they will either ignore me, or make a huge deal out of it. And it is not fun when they make a big deal over stuff, and it may actually be nothing... But I think it is something. I just wish there were a free online psychologist, but of course there aren't any. I just hope I can figure out something soon. Talk to you all later.

[Little Me]

I too am a HS teacher. I had to go on disability last year. It does suck. Hard to go back but we decided if I went back at a normal break in the year (after a vacation or start of a year) it would be easier. Although it's stressful teaching I'm taking 1 class and 1 moment at a time sometimes and it's working. I have great professional support but don't have friend support and it it hard. Not officially diagnosed because I deny my mania and insist it's just me being my energetic full of life self. The past 2 years I've tried many meds and I don't like any of them. Haven't felt heard though or understood so I am going to a new person, colleague of my awesome therapist so I guess I have to trust. Scared of medication that will make me gain weight (happened 1x already) and that caused depression.
Hang in there. I am here too.

[rapid]

Hello, my screen name is "rapid". I was diagnosed with bi polar a few years ago when I was in rehab. I have been on several different medications, therapy group etc. A couple of years ago I stopped taking medication and tried acupuncture. It was awesome but as usual as I got better, I stopped. Every relationship I have had I have destroyed. I am currently destroying my present one and I am really having a hard time. The feeling of everything spiraling and being abandoned and not being heard or having how I feel considered. Now i'm rambling, sorry. I look forward to interacting and maybe finding some sort of peace here

[abipolargirl]

Hi, my name is Amy and I live in NC. I'm 35 years old with four children, four stepchildren, and 1 grandchild. I suffer from Type 1 Bipolar along with other underlying issues. I was diagnosed when I was 19 but can look back and see that I was always different. I knew it and so did everybody else. Looking for friendship, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to without judgment, and just socialization in general.

[BlueInanna]

Hi to you all, and welcome.

[Little Me]

Not sure if I am. So much doubt. Big decision being made Tuesday regarding medications. Anti-depressant (Cymbalta) and Abilify make me feel a little better but upping Abilify gets me going(feeling even better and more energy). I hate it that I might not agree that I'm bi-polar. I won't comply unless I'm in agreement I just know that. I don't want to be too cocky about it either but I know myself better than anyone else.
Scared, because I don't want to be left feeling low just because there is a slight worry about some manic-ness.

[marvelousbedlam]

Wondering if i should talk to my therapists about getting meds for bipolar disorder. Ive had a 2 hour evalutation for my ADHD and depression in which i was told i had bipolar features but was not diagnosed. Once starting the meds for ADHD i no longer seemed to have rapid mood swings and problems with anger so i thought it was fixed. Recently though theyve become less and less supressed. When reading about BPD i feel i am, but wouldnt i already been diagnosed if i was? I really dont like taking meds but my self control isnt enough. I just want to be sure before taking anything.

[AngelV/SDevil]

Originally Posted by rapid

Hello, my screen name is "rapid". I was diagnosed with bi polar a few years ago when I was in rehab. I have been on several different medications, therapy group etc. A couple of years ago I stopped taking medication and tried acupuncture. It was awesome but as usual as I got better, I stopped. Every relationship I have had I have destroyed. I am currently destroying my present one and I am really having a hard time. The feeling of everything spiraling and being abandoned and not being heard or having how I feel considered. Now i'm rambling, sorry. I look forward to interacting and maybe finding some sort of peace here

Hey Rapid I'm new here and I know just how u feel I'm the same way. All I hear is April you need help I don't know rather to speak to u or not u have anger issues. Today u want to be right up under me and NOBODY gets that I CAN'T CONTROL IT. I feel like I'm alone and no one understands they are all so busy telling me I need to help to actually help. I'm on meds but they're not working to well. One day at time is how I cope I can't handle much more than that.

[Elaynal]

I'm Elaynal and I am new as well. I have known about my bipolar for a long time and I treat taking my medications like a holy ritual. lol I know what happens when I don't take them.. I have had many lost relationships. I still experience times of difficulty, depression, hypo-mania, and even manic, in times of stress. I'm hoping to learn about coping skills, others with experience and ways to draw on a group for support. Thanks!

[nagasaki]

Hi there. My name's Lye, and i've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. I haven't been working ever since i had a bad breakdown at work a few months back. Life sucks in general, I'm tired, very tired of it all. and I hope to find answers to my problem before its too late. Just don't know what to feel.

[StrangeOutOfContext]

Hi, I'm Raven. I'm 27, was dx @ 16, but been hearing voices since I was 10.

My job is a Peer Specialist...so I really don't have anyone to talk to...because that person would be me !

Yay.

[Cmw419]

Hi my name is Chris. I am 35 and the mom to two girls. I is used to be a social worker but have been out of work since 2009. I was just dx bipolar I latest episode mixed with psychosis and was hospitalized for a week. I mostly read and only post occasionally.

[chanda101]

Hi, I'm 40. Feeling worthless, hate myself. Actively destroying a good relationship because I'm a paranoid idiot. Don't know how to stop being paranoid. Being paranoid and jealous are two seperate feelings and hard to explain. Tired of having to explain my stupid self. My brain tells me to drive off cliffs. Yeah. I'm loads of fun.....lol hate being told to stop feeling sorry for myself. If I could I would, duh. Nice to meet others possibly in same boat. :-(

[MilitaryMech]

Hello all,

I'm a 32yo WM. Former US Marine (how I picked my name) and now an out of work RN.

I was diagnosed as BPII about this time last year, after attempting suicide.... I've got a REALLY long back story....

I come from a family that has mental illness all over it. Father's side of the family are all raging alcoholics. Mothers side is co-dependent and possibly bi-polar. Father most likely was born with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) as his mother was always drunk. He is a VietNam veteran and has serious untreated PTSD. Did I mention he is a MD?

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but fought the diagnosis. I had my father telling me "You're not crazy" and "You don't need the meds".... Thanks Dad.

I grew up with very few friends, and most of the ones I did have, I fought with and self destructed the friendships.

I joined the USMC because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I thought it would make my father proud of me.... Didn't work. I was "ONLY enlisted" and not worthy of him....

I only dated a few women until I met my wife. She told me she loved me and that was it. I fell madly in love with her.... Not because I actually loved her, but because she loved me. That was something I don't think I ever really experienced before.

My marriage was very much like all of my friendships before. I was very self-destructive and we fought constantly.

Because of her love and understanding, I managed to finish two, four-year "hitches" in the Marines. If not for her, I can honestly say I would have wound up in the "Brig" or dead.... I was NOT a popular person.

I was forced out of the Marines after 8-years, because of my craziness. I couldn't get promoted, and if you don't advance, you're out. I got out and after spending time in the University for Pre-Med, I decided to become a Nurse.

Turns out its a profession I love.... Too bad I can't seem to keep a job. I was just fired Sept. 24th because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I made an off-color joke to the wrong person and was cranky with a patient's daughter.... My fault entirely. This is the 4th job I've lost in the last 5 years.

Back to my marriage.... Sept. 11th last year, I figured out my wife was having an affair with a doctor at work (she is also a Nurse).... a Female Doctor. FML. I loved her, and told her I didn't care. I told her I was willing to "pull a Heinline" and have her Dr. move in with us.... That I could share her.... Yeah, right. She said she was just sick of my craziness and that she had to leave.... With our three sons.

After a month or so of begging and pleading and trying to get her back by any means I could think of, I lost it. One morning, we got into a fight. It started as me trying to keep her quiet but ended up not so good. I guess I just couldn't cope with her leaving.... Yeah, I have issues.

She bolted out of the house. I went to the kitchen and got a 10" carving knife out of the knife block..... I tried to get her to help me kill myself. She just looked at me, horrified. I took the knife and and tried.

Like I said, it should have gone right in.... I should have bled out on the spot. Instead, the knife bent in three places, like an accordion. Someone upstairs likes me.... or doesn't. Just depends on how you look at things.

That bought me a long weekend in the Psych ward.... Always fun to be a patient at the hospital you work at.... I had to tell my story to all the doctors who heard I was there and came to see me.

4 felony charges later, I pled down to one count of misdemeanor "simple battery" and have just over a month left on my probation.

My ex and I are in a nasty divorce. Believe it or not, I'm REALLY worried about her.... I'm afraid she is on drugs. She lies to everyone all the time and drops the kids on me without asking.

Last weekend, I had what I can only describe as a "Panic Attack".... I was anxious, jumpy and felt like my mind was going in a thousand different directions at once. I was cranky and had to keep away from my sons so I wouldn't snap at them. It made me realize just how bad life with me was before I accepted the diagnosis and started taking the medications.... I used to be like this all the time!

More to follow.....